in about 2 weeks YAY.

me and aaron found a place to live today, because we both need to get out of my momma's house and everything and i need to try to live without her, its gonna be very scary but yeah.

only thing about it, is that its a bad place, just up the street is my friends that Aaron hates, since they screwedhim over. so i understand about that, and and and i get to keep my monsters ^_^

so untill then hows are you ppls?

Katarinna

well im not taking that camping trip or any other trip for that matter. I cant stand it anymore. We do things when HE wants to, not when I want to. it has to be done his way. i hate it. and then he tells me, we need time away from each other (not spilting up) and its like, he is trying to get away from me..... i guess its to be expected..... its my life we are talking about here, nothing ever freakin works out for me.

he told me, that if i dont open up to him, he is gonna leave, now what makes him think that if he keeps telling me that, that imma open up to him? he is dead wrong, he cant push me into anything, yeah i dont do much, there isnt a god damn thing wrong with me.

im not just a fixer up project that he can fix, and then break,... what would be the point in that? i mean, what does he think that i am... a broken wreck of a girl? maybe, but i dont need fixing if im just going to be broken again.

yeah i have no faith... in this working out, but hey, live my life and see if you will, he says i dont trust him, maybe its true, i trust him with my life, but my heart, no. and I know its wrong, and it shouldnt be that way, but at this moment it is.

I want to be able to trust him, i want to tell him whats in my heart, on my mind, its just something is stopping me from telling him. Maybe its all the talk about his exs, or his kids, or the constant reminder that things wont work, from my best friend, okay my best friend says things arent going to work, what room does she have to freaking talk, she never keeps a relationship very long and all she wants is sex.

dont get me wrong here folks, I love him with everything i am, i mean im giving up my dreams and everything, for him, (he didnt ask me to, im just doing it) so that he can fullful his. Its not like i can do it all anyway. we talk abou the future, but is it really gonna happen... who is to say, things wont change, if he already wants to get away from me, who knows what will happen.

either way, i open up and he leaves (slime chance that he will stay) or i stay closed, and he leaves, either way, imma get hurt and i just cant risk getting hurt again. I probably wont recover from this one, i barely did the last one, and that took a long time....

sorry just some ramblings, from a confused teenager.

Katarinna

Well im off from owrk today, thank god, i work to dang much. Aaron went to work for a couple hours, as we need the money and everything. anyway, things with Aaron are getting better, we are taking a weekend to our self, the 31st, 1st and the 2nd. For Aarons birthday im taking him camping which he has never been before so it will be a crazy weekend. Besides, Aaron and I need to get away, from work, from home, and just spend some really time together, which we really havent had, ever, without someone being there, or the computer or the cell phone. So that otta be fun. lol

anyway thats it for now, and yes im still alive.

luvs

Katarinna

so i went to a wedding yesterday, my aunts, not mine. it was alright, but i had to wear a skirt and shirt combo thingy, i felt so ew. I missed my jeans so much. I hate girly type crap like that.

i did catch the brides flower thingy. not trying to or anything.

but i woke up this moring depressed for some odd reason, I havent really said anything to Aaron, and I dont know why.

maybe just being at the wedding, just hit me a different way then it would most, because I want to marry Aaron, but I dont want to wait 3 years. if we make it 3 years......

not saying we wont, but come on this is my life we are talking about, nothing ever goes the way i want it. we all know how much a royal screw up I am. im bound to mess it up.

what made him chose me? Im not beautiful, or pretty, or smart. im ugly, stupid and extremely emotional, and suicidal, so why me?

why does he love me so? I dont understand any of this.... maybe thats why im scared to trust him with my heart, not because its been broken plently of times, and is scared being broken again, is that, i dont understand why, he wants me, what does he gain from being with me? what does he see in me? what do i offer him?

i dont know the answers to these questions....but how can i voice them, if im afraid to open my mouth and ask him...

he keeps telling me to tell him whats on my mind, but i wont, not because i dont want to, i just dont want to take that step and let down my ever present gaurd and let him in... i dont want to get hurt again, how can i know that he wont hurt me?

I cant count how many times I heard "i wont hurt you, I promise" and I have gotten hurt, how can I trust those words when they were always lies.

either way, if i dont open up to him, he will leave, and if i do chances are he will leave.

so basicly im in a lose lose placement or so my mind has determed...

its a constant war going on between my head and my heart.

my head is thinking all this crap and my heart is saying, trust him, i will be alright, He wont hurt me.

so how can I tell him, what im thinking if im at war within myself trying to decide what to listen to, my heart, or my head. maybe I will never know... maybe i will find out..

anyway, imma go ttyl

yes im still alive even if i want to die.

okay where is everyone???? my friends???????

someone answer me is anyone out there?

Really pointless line....but a must.

okay well im back from Wyoming. well we got back monday but there was a lot of things going on that day.. i had been fighting with Aaron and everything. but we are okay. we made up that night and yesterday we didnt fight so that was good. lol.

well work is cutting my hours down and i dunno why, i hate it. I like working with Aaron and the others i work with but hell i dont understand alot of things yet, and i get all fustrated on busy days and everything so maybe thats why they are doing it. since the days they cut were the busy days.

so on those days im probably gonna take the car and go put Aaron up at 11:00pm blah it sucks. I had the car most of the day yesterday, which was cool. since my momma doesnt normally let me take the car for any reason because im not on her INS. *Shurgs* i was carefull i know how to drive and everything so. it shouldnt be a problem.

the problem that im having now is that i wont have the money to pay my school and my cell phone and everything imma have to get a better job if me and Aaron are gonna get our own place which we are in Jan. but thats 5 months away. lol.

anyway, i just took an exam for school and I got a C im so dissapointed in my self and i let everyone down... how am i gonna tell Aaron i failed..he believes in me... and i let him down.. i let my momma down, more importantly i let myself down... *Sighs*

thats a bit it for now... I do have to go the next lesson and clean the room while Aaron is at school and momma is at work.

BTW where are my friggen COMMENTS???????
.

Level 23- Close Talker - 76%

Shows: 8
Episodes:0
People: 10
Total : 18

Accepted: 230
Pending: 25
Denied: 47
Total: 302

5799 (+ 3 new)

None

When your inlove always tell the thruth even if it hurts

June 17th- Met Aaron
June 19th - First Kiss with Aaron
June 20th - Starting Dating Aaron
June 26th - Got a job at Taco Bell
July 8-10th - In Wyoming visting Sister
July 31st - Mom's Birthday

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

Katarinna

ok well we made it... yep here in WY. kill me now. 9 hours in a car and for what? NOTHING.

i thought oh hey it will be fun in a new place and all that fun stuff but did It happen? HELL NO. its just as boring as it is back home.. gawd now I wish that i didnt come... its grrrr....

I swear to god..... shoot me.. now...

KK i just wanted to stop by and inform you all that I may or not get on at all this weekend.. remember its my trip to vist me sister and all that oh so fun stuff.

anywho i gotta work tonigt and then im off for 4 days blah. anyway

what has everyone been up to? anyone miss me? i am sorry that i havent been around enough to talk to all of you which saddens me. but your all still my freinds no matter what. some of yu i have phone numbers for and everything and there is always the old email and myspace route. lol.

anyway i will be taking alot of pics on this trip o.o so fair warning. anyway, i will be posting most to myspace and only a couple here not too much hehe.

anyway loves ya

Katarinna

Small update i suppose.

today is my day off. thank god. lol but i have to work tomorrow through monday. you see...

i get tuesdays and thrusdays off, because Aaron has night classes those days, and we work together and everything, he made it that way so that he can stop me from walking out or quitting and everything, he seems to have everything together.

god i love him so much. and its like we known each other forever. but we havent so thats pretty awesome, we get along every well. so thats good.

based on what i have been though and everything its odd, maybe things are finally working for me, and everything, i mean when Aaron came into my life, it was horrible, i didnt do anything, didnt go anywhere, and spent all the time on the computer, but now, i get out more, i have a job, i do alot of different things.

i just love being with him.

anyway i took him to meet my dad the other day..... and my dad likes him. T_T all of my family loves him. its odd, they dun like my sisters husband.

anyway, imma jet and clean the living room and ect.

luva

Katarinna