To tickly everyone's funny bone in this hectic time of year, here are a few Christmas funnies I got in an email. Signs You're Sick of the Holidays 1. You've got red and green bags under your eyes 2. You're serving reindeer pot pie 3. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!" 4. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the butt with your BB gun 5. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you. 6. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photocopies. 7. You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe. 8. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears 9. Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you bastard" 10. Two words: tinsel rash ------------------------------- Wrapping Presents with Dogs Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor. Get tape back from puppy. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth. Open box. Take puppy out of box. Remove tape from older dog's mouth. Take scissors away from puppy. Put present in box. Remove present from puppy's mouth. Put back in box after removing puppy from box. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them. Remove puppy from box and put on lid. Take tape away from older dog. Unroll paper. Take puppy OFF box. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps." Let puppy tear remaining paper. Take puppy off box. Wrap paper around box. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it. Take scissors away from puppy. Take tape older dog is holding. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog and sitting on them again. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot. Take bow from older dog. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away. Clean up mess puppy and older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are. ------------------------------- Office conduct during the Christmas season To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (It runs up an incredible long distance bill) 3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday. ------------------------ CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DYSFUNCTIONAL SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock........... (Better start again) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). ----------------------------- YOU'D BETTER WATCH OUT (sung to the tune of “Santa Claus is coming to town”) You'd better watch out, You'd better not cry, You'd better not pout, I'm telling you why... Santa Claus is tapping your phone! He's bugging your room, He's reading your mail, He's keeping a file And running a tail... Santa Claus is tapping your phone! He hears you in the bedroom, Surveils you out of doors, And if that doesn't get the goods, Then he'll use provocateurs! So... You mustn't assume That you are secure, On Christmas Eve He'll kick in your door... Santa Claus is tapping your phone!
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