I said in my review that a bunch of SQUARE SQUARE TRIANGLE combos with a random Kamehame Ha thrown in for good measure could get a great deal done for you in the game.

Well, before I sent it back (Justin, it's in the mail!), I decided to test it out with just the SQUARE button.

Et, voila.

[video=IyYwxWD_5bIJujLd]

3.5 / 10

Oh, you thought this was over, son?? Get your pringles on because I'm about to murk that curly moustache straight up FROSTY, dog. We talkin' SPOON, you feel me?

I was compiling a list of Lux-Pain gaffes and otherwise humorous sights so that I'd be able to post at least one more blog about the hilarity within the game after I sent it back to Gamespot for the library. Lest you think that I'm beating up on poor old Luxxy, never fear: There will be a video of me defeating the first three fighters in Dragonball Evolution's arcade mode on the hardest difficulty setting... using only the square button. *nod*

NUMBERS GAME

Number of names main character Atsuki Saijo is called: 4

- Atsuki
- Saijo
- Atsuku
- Saijou

...Pick a spelling, dammit.

Number of women of inappropriate age who hit on Atsuki (who is at least both old and young enough to pass for a teenager): 3

- Hirooka, a 42-year-old... um... "husky" woman who is "gaudily dressed" and pretty much qualifies as a cougar. "I'm only 19!" She said, "Stop lyin'!" I says, "I am! Go ask your mother, and with..." Erm... you know the rest.

- Natsuki, the 13-year-old psychic back at FORT who aids you in seeking out the infection in the game. Girl, who the hell says I'm your husband? Who besides you says I'm going to marry you the future? Right now you're ILLEGAL!

- Nami, the somewhat precocious 11-year-old who can "talk" to animals using psychic powers. I'm not so sure "going out on a date" with you is entirely appropriate, especially when I go to school with your sister who is closer to my age. ALSO ILLEGAL!

Number of times Meilin changes the way she talks: 3

- Your first visit to Pumpkin Witch sees Meilin talk to you sort of normal, in that, "Lux-Pain's localization is screwed up" kind of normal.

- After a while, optional visits to Pumpkin Witch sees Meilin talking to you in stereotypical -- and highly offensive -- "Asian" English. "How you doing? How I can help you!?"

- After another mandatory conversation with Meilin, she reverts back to "normal." Way to go, Meilin. Glad to see you re-learned English after forgetting it.

Number of androgynous male characters: One (Atsuki, no less)... because what's an anime-based game without one?

Number of female characters with inappropriately short skirts: At least one... because what's an anime-based game without one?

Number of female characters with abnormally large breasts: One... because what's an anime-based ga- oh, you get the picture.

TOURIST INFO

Where can I get a bite to eat in Kisaragi City?

- "Triple Step" -- a burger joint that serves a three-patty burger. Um, I think you meant "Triple Stack." Or at least something other than "Step." What is this -- a dance studio?

- "Sweet Ring" -- a bakery that specializes in dessert pastries. Protip: Don't put the word "ring" in your bakery's name unless you want to invoke thoughts of White Castle's chicken rings. Can you imagine ordering up a batch of delicious, sugary, frosty fried chicken rings oozing with maple syrup? Eeewwwewewewew...!

Hey! It looks like I can level-up in the game. What are some of the names of the level ranks? Anything cool like "Super Psychic" or "Psych Master" or "Mind Warrior"?

Well, you start the game out as a DIMENTEAR, but you should strive to be a powerful LIKNIGHT or MYSTSYMB. Ultimately you want to reach the awesome order of TRUAWAKEN! But you'll most likely get bored of the game before you're dubbed a VISIBEA, or even a FORINCAR (you know, like Fiat or Ferrari)... Wait, what the hell do these all even mean??!?!?!??!

Yiggidy yo.

So, either tonight or Monday, I should have my Dragonball Evolution review in for the folks at Gamespot to post. The short summary is that you might as well go out and buy Shin Budokai for the PSP, but it's not entirely incompetent if you have a friend to play with and enjoyed the basic fighting engine from that game. It's not very good, though, if you try to break it down. The AI is almost brain-dead (though, again, ideally you're playing against friends and not just the AI), the story mode talking-head cutscenes are absolutely atrocious (if you haven't seen Giant Bomb's quick look of this game, go see it), and it just doesn't feel as "fun". You could do worse than DBE, and I didn't have a terrible time with the game, but I can definitely see someone chucking it out the window. More details in the full review. At least it was better than Lux-Pain...

So anyway, shout out to Edu for emailing in about the 24 tangent I took on my Trilobyte. Pete also talks about television, so if you want to send him Trilobyte mail about his TV shows, go ahead (as long as you make sure to make the subject line directly refer to the television show in question to help other mailbag admins avoid accidentally reading spoilers). Edu, I'll read your e-mail in my next Trilobyte.

Finally, episode 128 is up. Really, really sorry that it took so long. This week has been a mini-hell with taxes and work and Lux-Pain reviewing as well as DBE. But it's up. Yay! DON'T FORGET: If you have a more pretentious term for the phrase "video game", email us and you MIGHT win a prize. This was Supersonic97's request from Episode... 126, I believe? Anyway yeah. mailbag (AT) trigames [DOT] net -- GO. Don't forget your other questions or comments either.

3.5 -- and through all the fun I've been making of this game, it's a little tragic, because I can definitely see an interesting story coming out of Lux-Pain had it been localized competently. My suggestion is that if you speak Japanese, you pick up the Japanese version -- I'm willing to bet that your take on it will improve tremendously. If you like novel-esque adventure games, that is.

Hey look! It's time for some more terrible translation and grammar spot-checking, courtesy of LUX-PAIN. Not unlike an unruly strain of strep throat or a pyramid scheme, it's the gift that keeps on giving. Were I to calculate the number of localization gaffes per hour, it'd probably be somewhere around 10 per. I've plucked a select few for your eyes' enjoyment, with consultation and advice from the revered staff at Quality Assurance Community College.

• talke (Dr. Spellcheck says, "talk")
• centrall (Dr. Spellcheck says, "central")
• You outta' watch it yourself (Dean Compound-Word III, Esq. says, "You oughta watch it yourself")
• I ate his mind (????? - The entire staff is baffled.)
• The internet was cancelled one year ago (Wait -- you mean the entire internet?)
• Not at all. This c|ass is on goes well. (Prof. English says, "Not at all. This c|ass is going well.")
• It makes happy to hear that. (Prof. English says, "It makes me happy to hear that.")
• afterall (Dean Compound-Word III, Esq. says, "after all")
• Seeing such joy is what is to some people (????? - Yet again the entire staff is baffled.)
• imbiciles (Dr. Spellcheck says, "imbeciles")
• aluring (Dr. Spellcheck says, "Alluring" and passes out after seeing it appear three more times in a row, misspelled as such)

Disorder! Disorder! Disorder! Did you know that The Bird Is The Word?

Pete said he'd give away prizes to people who emailed in, so I'm taking him at his word. Last time, edubuccaneer was the only soul awesome enough to email in about strategy versus tactics (edu, please let me know if Pete contacted you). This time, your task is to come up with a really pretentious, superficial "new name" for the term "videogame" so that supersonic97 can pronounce it in peace (no, supersonic, I don't think you qualify for this "contest" since uh... you're the central force behind it). Or just send us some other type of question or comment. Like, about birds, bees and caterpillars. Or lions. Or rare steak. *shrug*

mailbag [at] trigames [dot] net

A short list of misspelled words, or misuses of punctuation and grammar, found while talking to schoolmates and other people in LUX-PAIN (with the correct spelling / grammar / use of punctuation in parentheses):

• oppinion (opinion)
• Burse Office (Nurse's Office)
• noone (no one)
• auther (author)
• enterance (entrance)
• rationaly (rationally)
• kood (mood)
• existance (existence)
• this town and it's people (this town and its people)
• their's no relation (there's no relation)
• your's (yours)
• wanna', gonna', gotta', gotten' (wanna, gonna, gotta and gotten)
• You take finish mine (You take mine / you finish mine)

This is fantastic.

Following is a Gmail chat I had with the Antipode about this poignant "conversation" I had with police officer Mako Ando, of LUX-PAIN. If only all police officers spoke like 15 year old girls. I put "conversation" in quotes because she's the only one talking. (Note: All misuse of punctuation is represented as it exists in the game.)

/*convo begin*/

Chup: Ok, and now, a reading from the book of LUX-PAIN...

"OK, I'm gonna' get pumped!"

A woman was screaming at the evening sea.
It was Mako Ando.

She finishes screaming and walks toward Atsuki, looking satisfied.

"Wow, you surprised me!"
"I didn't realize. . ."
"I, uh, actually, uh, was trying to pump myself up. . ."
"We keep meeting today!"
"So, do you come to this hill often?"
"I love this hill."
"Yui & I would cut c|ass to eat lunch here in school."
"But don't tell anyone!"
"We had so much fun."
"I have fun now too. I'm so happy to live in this city."
"It's my favorite city ever!"
"Ah, this is the kind of thing couples talk about."

Antipode: !?

Chup: "But I love it, so I wanna protect it."
"This town, and it's people."
"OK, back to work for me!"
"See you!"

[And for some reason, I am awarded 500 experience points.]

Antipode: !?

Chup: For what? FOR WHAT? WHAT DID I DO!?

Antipode: Endured that conversation

Chup: LOL

/*convo end*/

Because, really, we all need to scream, "I'm gonna' get pumped" at the evening sea once in awhile.

As I play LUX-PAIN for the Nintendo DS for the Gamespot review, I come across nonsensical lines of dialog and happenings around town thanks to shoddy translation and quite possibly shoddy source material. Here is the first edition of the poorly-translated dialog and random events around town within the world of LUX-PAIN. (Every quote is represented as it exists in the game; in other words, I have not misspelled anything accidentally.) Feel free to say, "Um, what?" (Did I copy and paste this from my last blog? What, are you crazy? ...Yes, of course I did.)

- One buxom character tells me about how she witnessed an attempted stabbing and subsequently ran away. This character is a cop.

- I click through about twenty lines of dialog -- more like monologue -- about sitting down with one character to eat the multitude of cakes she bought her friend who can't eat them because he's resting in the hospital. This has nothing to do with anything.

- From a history teacher: "Did you know Yung proposed graduating c|ass? To those who say their's no relation, there is."

- From the operator of YUZI, the Internet Cafe in town (you've seen this in a previous post): "What do you do to be cute? Oh well then, my customers are pathetic."

- From the girl back at headquarters who scans the town for emotional energy: "I'm working on it MAX-POWER!"

Terrific. Just terrific.

As I play LUX-PAIN for the Nintendo DS for the Gamespot review, I come across nonsensical lines of dialog and forum posts found at a Net Cafe in the game thanks to shoddy translation and quite possibly shoddy source material. Here is the first edition of the wonderful forum posts found within the world of LUX-PAIN. Feel free to say, "Um, what?"

In reference to the main character, found on a message board:
"He's a guy, better than average looking. I'm disappointed-LOL. It's not definite though a strong possibility."

In reference to speculation on why there have been group suicides, found on a message board:
Subject: Think Rationally

"They didn't commit suicide for those major causes, I think it was more personal, like TV has been boring."

In reference to a particularly violent and paranoid store owner who treats customers poorly, found on a message board:
"I can't help it. He would even attack a customer when he's covered with mud."

In reference to the fictional videogame, Nosferatu, in a message board topic asking what the game was like:
"I was novice-hunted. There was a symbol says "Devil" on him."

A message board topic about murders the year before, titled "Last Year's Murders"

first post

"The stabber reminded me of last year's murders. I think he'll do the same thing as last year. What do you all think?"(Shan)

second post, Subject: "who are you?"

"You better watch your mouth damn it!
I did like the guy ahead of me for his cleverness." (Leo)

third post, Subject: "Each individual?"

"Even if he's a murderer? I cannot relate to that idea." (Lapis)