Over the weekend, I victoriously completed a 6-player game of RISK in only 5 turns.

I took Australia on my 2nd turn. North America succumbed to my will on the 4th. And that was all I needed.

On my 5th turn, I began a sequence of...

1. turn in RISK cards
2. stack armies near weakest opponent
3. conquer opponent
4. steal opponent's cards (no sets had been turned in yet so every player had 4 cards to donate to my noble conquistador cause)
5. rinse and repeat

Total time to play a game that normally takes several hours: just under 30 minutes.

Yes, it's true. Your humble hero has reached the top. There is no place to go from here but down. The remainder of my life will be nothing but a series of relative low points. Crap.

REWIND TWO WEEKS
I make an observation about the number of kickass movies we've seen. She jokingly(?) hints that I have a growing debt to repay in the form of rom-coms and chick flicks.

FAST FORWARD TO YESTERDAY
She suggests we go see Ninja Assassin this weekend.

So the Mariners have signed Chone Figgens to a 4 year deal, which means Adrian Beltre won't be re-signed.

Figgens brings to the team Gold Glove caliber defense and is a very good leadoff hitter. Trouble is, we already had a Gold Glover at 3B in Beltre. And we already have the best leadoff hitter in baseball in Ichiro.

So the positives of Figgens over Beltre were things we weren't in need of. The negative is we've lost one of only two hitters on the team that anyone would ever describe as a power hitter (the other, Russell Branyan, is also potentially going to walk away via free agency).

But wait... Bavasi is gone, and Jack Z actually has a history of being a competent General Manager. There MUST be a method to his madness. If he's willingly sacrificing power at this position, might I expect a power bat in the coming weeks? Would I be crazy to hope for... dare I suggest... Jason Bay coming home to the Northwest?

Right place, right time. That's where and when I was. It was perfect.

Glass door. Me approaching from one side (to exit). A man approaching from the other (to enter). Man was in a hurry. I saw he was in a hurry and slowed my pace slightly to allow him to reach and pass through the door first. Man apparently did not realize he had to pull the door open from his side. Man tried to push while maintaining his hurried pace. Man's face hit glass hard. Thanks to me being in the right place at the right time, my mind has been burned with a vivid image of the man's face squished up against the glass.

Right place, right time.

A pair of Mormon missionaries just dropped by. I decided not to shoo them away. I figure they get enough door slams that maybe a few minutes of conversation would make their day, so we had a pleasant little chat.

Anyhoo, you know how they wear name tags that say "Elder _____"? Well, the name of one of the dudes was... Elder. Yes. Elder. The name tag said Elder Elder. This amused me.

You know those grand concert halls (for opera, symphonies, ballet, etc.)? You know those elevated box seats along the walls where, traditionally, the upper crust of society would sit looking down upon the commoners on the floor of the auditorium? Well, I scored me a couple prime box seats for an evening performance this Saturday by the Symphony.

Time to put on some fancy duds, shine my shoes, hook the arm of a classy lady through mine, and hobnob with the snooty set.

What the ****? What the ****?!?

I'm riding on my scooter, doing about 40 mph with traffic, when... get this... a ****ing BEE flies into my ****ing HELMET and ****ing stings me in my ****ing ear!

What the ****?!?

I was swerving in my lane, riding with one hand while my other hand is jammed up into my helmet trying to dig the little ****er out of my ****ing helmet. It's in my ear! There's a ****ing bee in my ear!

How? How the **** does this happen? What are the odds?!? ****! ****, I say!

So I'm in sitting on my scooter, stopped at a traffic light. Up alongside my left, pulls the most ridiculous looking Honda. Hatchback, rear spoiler, low suspension, gaudy paint job, the works. Mr. Jackass, sitting in the driver's seat, proceeds to rev the engine. In the passenger seat sat Ms. Airhead (who I assumed to be Mr. Jackass' girlfriend). Ms. Airhead rolls down her window, leans out, and makes some sort of loud, incoherent "woo" sound.

Light turns green.

Mr. Jackass gives it the gas. Sound of screeching tires. Honda makes funny lurching movement forward about 30 feet... then stops. Mr. Jackass apparently doesn't quite know how to drive stick.

I calmly drive by to the next light.

Waiting at the next light, they again pull up alongside me. Mr. Jackass doesn't rev his engine. Ms. Airhead has rolled up her window. I rev MY engine... then turn right.

What the **** is this? Since when are cartoons tearjerkers? I'm sitting in a theater watching a cartoon, wearing large ridiculous-looking 3D glasses... and I get a lump in my throat? My eyes start to water? **** you, Pixar.

So yeah... go see Up, if you haven't already.

Last night, I took part in the first beta episode of 1 vs 100 on Live. That game is great! Very addictive. I found myself yelling at the tv a few times when the One was asked to choose Money or the Mob. "Mob! Pick Mob you son of a ****! Don't be a coward!"

As it is still in beta, there were some quirks here and there that still need to be worked out...

• I was kicked back to the lobby once between rounds.
• See way too many duplicate avatars standing side by side.
• The livehost missed some of his cues.

There were also some clowns who purposefully did bad at the game just so they could see their name on the mid-round leaderboards. How does that work, you ask? There are mid round leaders for a variety of categories, one of which is average answer time. So some **** were sitting there pounding X as fast as they could for every question just to get a quick answer regardless of whether it was the correct one.

The game's strongest point is the questions, which is a good thing for a trivia game. I really liked the way they threw in a the occasional trick question. Example:

At what temperature does water freeze? Easy right? Well, almost half the people got it wrong. The first answer that appeared was 32 deg C. People saw the 32 and quickly answered to get the time bonus. As soon as that answer popped up, I just laughed in anticipation of the number of people who fell for it.