When I was about twelve, I had a dream to become a film actress. I had never gotten much of a chance to prove my ability, but I knew deep inside me, I had the heart of an actor. Even if no one else in the world knew I could act, I did. I had the passion, the guts, and the skills. I was ready for any role they could throw at me. ...But alas, reality soon got in the way, and I decided it was a much too competitive field for someone like me. Then when I was about fifteen, I had another dream- to become a nature photographer. It was the perfect job in my mind. I could do something I loved without having to go to a full-blown, four-year university. But then I looked into an art school and every spark of hope and ambition I had was snuffed out. It was all way over my head, not to mention way out of my financial range. Being there made me feel like a fool- and that was just during the tour. There was no way I was going to make myself go through that every day. So then later on it hits me- why not work with animals? ...Which brings me to where I'm at today. One thought was to become a zookeeper, but then I'd need a bachelor's degree in zoology. It's not so much that I don't want to do the work, I just don't want to have to go off to a university to do it- not now at least. Thinking about which direction my life's heading has been the source of many sleepless nights for me. Just two years ago I dreamt about what I was going to be when I "grow up," thinking I had all the time in the world to figure out how to do it. Then I graduated, and suddenly everyone's asking me what I'm going to do now. Now- what a terrifying word. I spent so much of my life fighting childhood, I didn't realize I didn't have to anymore. There's so much pressure on me right now from friends and relatives to get out there and start my career, I feel guilty for not doing it yet. But it's all so new to me, and the fact of the matter is I'm not ready. And even if I were, I still don't know what I want to do yet. I shouldn't be feeling this kind of pressure at seventeen. I just want to enjoy what's left of my youth. *Sigh* Sometimes I mull it over so much I make myself physically sick. ...I guess I wrote that one more for myself than anyone else. Sometimes I just need to stop listening to people and let my heart guide me.

You ever have an embarrassing moment that doesn't become embarrassing until something dons on you later? A couple years ago, I went to this homecoming dance with a good guy friend of mine. He got me a corsage, but I hadn't thought to get him a boutonniere (it was my first dance, so it never occured to me). We went with a group of people to dinner and a movie prior to the dance, and I can remember a few times over the course of the evening him remarking that he was the only one in the group without a boutonniere. Afterwards, I started to feel bad about not getting him one, so I called him up the next day to apologize... only I couldn't for the life of me remember what that thing was called. I improvised and used a word I thought was close enough. He seemed a bit confused at first, but eventually we worked it out and got the word straight. He said he didn't remember complaining about his lack of boutonniere and apologized for making me think that I had to apologize. Later on, I decided to look up the meaning of the word I had used in the dictionary. I about fell over from both laughter and embarrasment. I had meant to apologize for not getting him a boutonniere, but instead I had apologized for not getting a boudoir- a woman's bedroom! I only hope he didn't know what that word meant at the time. :oops:

I didn't do much today, just stayed in and relaxed. I subscribe to Netflix, and Finding Forrester came today. I hadn't seen it since it first came out, so it was almost like watching it for the first time. If you haven't seen it, I'd recommend it. In a lot of ways, it reminds me of Good Will Hunting. Later on, I watched a bit of Nick at Nite. I had been anticipating the 2 a.m. showing of Three's Company, but for some reason Roseanne was in its place. I hope its just a weekend thing. I'd hate to see Three's Company brought back only to be dropped again in a few days' time. Wow, it's nearly 7 a.m. Can you believe I'm still up? I have very odd hours. I don't know why I keep falling into this sleep pattern. Maybe I'm subconsiously doing this so I can get more time to myself. There's just something so... insprational about the night. I've gotten some of my best writing just sitting in bed, gazing out at the moon. I used to stay up this late all the time with my best friend. We used to have slumber parties at each other's houses all the time. I can remember one time we completely lost track of time playing with our Beanie Babies. We had assumed it was no later than one or two when her dad walked in, wondering what we were still doing up. We asked him what he meant and he informed us that it was 6:30. Boy how time flies when you're having fun... Sometimes I long to have those years back. People always used to tell me to cherish my youth, for I'll never get it back. I never did fully understand that. In my mind, nothing was worse than being a child- and moreover, being treated like a child. ...But now, I'm starting to see the bigger picture. I'm just glad I came to this relaization while I'm still young. From now on, I'll take nothing for granted.

Sporadically, over the past week or so, I've been working on Chopin's Nocturne No. 20. Today, I finally finished it! It's quite a beautiful peice, really. If you've ever seen The Pianist with Adrien Brody, it's the song he's playing at the very begining as war starts to break out. There's still quite a few kinks I have to work out before I can play it flawlessly, but at least I have it memorized now. That's how I learn music- a combination of sheet music, midi files, and memorization. Basically, I have to hear the song in my head before I'm able to work it out on the keyboard. Then after I memorize it, and it gets stored away somewhere in my brain until I lose intrest or forget to practice it, and then it becomes lost and I have to relearn it. I can never seem to keep a very large database of songs in my head. I guess maybe I'm too restless. I find a song I really like, learn it, obsess over it (for lack of a better phrase), and then I move on to something else. If I could just remember to practice all the songs I know every two or three days and keep sharp with new songs, I could prevent all those songs from getting lost. Unfortunately, this takes a lot of time and discipline. Oh well, enough of my rambling. It's extremely late, and I must get some sleep.

Hi, all. I've decided to start a blog in hopes of advancing levels more quickly... and also for fun, I guess. As you can see, I've added a new banner featuring Casanova, Lucy, Oliver, Sunny, and Willie. I also put up a picture of myself. I'm really not photogenic, but this was the best current one I could find. Well, ok, it's a year old, but that's close enough. :)