Normally I hate poetry, but the creative urge forced me to write this.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the king's horses and all of his men
Had a huge breakfast that morning

Thank you! :P

*bows*

Ah, there's nothing like Gamespot-Fuse-Is-Broken season, when some of us stop using Fuse and some of us cleverer ones use the others' absence to make our place in the Most Active Users List. Obviously I am in the former category, so I decided to write a blog.

Let's try to answer the most important question mankind could ever ask: "If you eat really spicy curry, can it burn through your internal organs?" The answer is no unless you bought that curry from Bangladesh. So after that, the second most important question, this one from the gamers. Wait, there's more than one.

What did the big three do after E3?


Why, Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft sat down for dinner together at separate tables of course! This is a tradition that dates to when gangs danced with each other before having a gunfight, like in West Side Story. Anyway, the real reason they were there was to take each other's ideas and pretend they were their own, and then discuss their golf game in between themselves.

Sony discussed how the seventh generation had gone for them. They had not done badly, managing to sell 75 million PS3s, but there was frustration over the fact that there were entire warehouses full of T-Shirsts with the words 'Sony Seventh Gen Champions,' printed on them, which would now be difficult to sell. An idea was put forward to unpick the lettering and hand-stitch onto it, "Sony Win Eighth Gen," but this idea was sensibly put on hold just in case.

Microsoft's execs were out of practice. In between an awkward awfully protracted silence, someone scratched his nose. An afternoon round of cakes and tea, however, roused them enough to write, "Well, at least we beat Sony by a hair," on a small piece of paper. A hologram of the bald guy who runs Microsoft came and shouted something unprintable at them, so they cut that out and wrote, "Whoever wrote that is fired. And now, we're removing everything we said about the Xbox One at E3. No online check-in, used game trouble or that jazz."

Nintendo had comfortably been the leading force in the seventh gen, but had already released the Wii U, a.k.a the actual seventh gen console from them. Which was a dangerous move, since it resulted in them competing with themselves, their 3DS and Wii. Very dangerous. Life threatening, sticking-your-head-out-of-the-window-of-a-speeding-car dangerous. In the end, Wii U let its older brothers take the stage, leading many to believe it didn't really exist, but was another awful film idea by Alex Cox. One of the employees was still sobbing that the clickable analog sticks had been revealed before their dramatic unveiling. "I had such a good slogan for the unveiling, 'Presenting.... CLICKABLE ANALOGS!' See what I did there? I came up with that myself. And now it's ruined," he pouted. A brave dev stood up and said unless Nintendo could guarantee piracy control on the 3DS he wouldn't develop any more games for him (this, unlike everything else in this blog, actually happened). In response, Iwata snapped that they should make better games for their consoles to sell (this is also really true). The inevitable food fight broke out (this has a possibility of being true).

Why did Don Mattrick leave Microsoft for Zynga of all things?

Now, now, Steve, take it easy

Don "Diabolus" Mattrick left Micrsoft and joined Zynga to take over the world, obviously. I hired, at great expense, my doppelganger to interview him. There had been changes in him. First of all, he was in a ludicrous black cape suit with his underpants on the outside and a huge collar. He spun around slowly in his rotating chair, stroking a hideous cat in his lap. His mouth was filled with marbles to give him a villain's voice. "Yes, I'm taking over the world," he said, with a cut-throat gesture. "We've actually mean experimenting on a new Facebook game to release and crush all the other multinationals through our microtransactions. It costs you $0.01 to buy a brick! No way they can compete with that," he warbled, cackling diabolically but being interrupted in between as he choked on one of the marbles.

So who'll win the eighth gen?

Let's discuss each of the contestants in detail.

•     Sony

                          Potential winners. Sony have the one thing Microsoft and Nintendo do not: an excess of games with anime art styles, which people like me just cannot resist. Also, they have the backing of being more freedom-giving than Microsoft and Nintendo, so you can actually import unlocalized games from Japan with anime art styles. While God of War is a horrible franchise, it still makes them BIG BUCKS. Their new console also costs a hundred dollars less than Microsoft's, which is a huge plus point. And if they are in need of applause, all Kaz Hirai has to do is say, "Riiiiidge Racer!" and a massive flood of people (three - his immediate family) will cheer for him. The PSP is more of a visual novel reader than a gaming handheld in Japan, so it makes them tons of money, however much people moan and groan that it's a dead console. Also, they are ending this generation on a high with games like The Last of Us.

However, they will probably not win. Piracy is rampant on their consoles. The problem with their most hyped exclusives is that their titles render them unable to have sequels. "The Last of Us 2" ... sounds stupid, see? Also, only people like me buy their games with anime art styles. A lot of great Sony handheld games (coughfinalfantasytype0cough) are not localized by lazy publishers.

•     Nintendo

                      Potential winners. They have won the last gens in both consoles and handhelds and have the two best selling franchises ever, Mario and Pokemon, to their name. The 3DS is also doing very well for them currently and fan's campaigns for localizations for games on their consoles actually worked (Thank you, Operation Starfall!). The Wii U is also the cheapest console of the lot - it costs $350 for the 32GB one and $300 for the 8GB one. Cheaper consoles have several times in the past been Nintendo's winning move.

However, they will probably not win. This is the second time in the new decade Iwata has to shake his head sadly and say, "It's all my fault," because the Wii U isn't selling. They did that before, and had to cut the 3DS's price by almost a hundred dollars. But this time, they say it's difficult to cut the Wii U's price, which goes against them. The Wii U has been out for a year, but it still hasn't gotten all the attention because mostly it's just a late seventh gen console receiving the same multiplats as the PS3 and X360. They are extremely tight with their region locking which causes bitterness. Some hyped 3DS games, like Beyond the Labyrinth, were not localized. Also, in the past, Nintendo has to work in dark places. Love hotels and those machines that have you press your thumb on them then tell you if your spouse is right for you or not, causing 53% of the total divorces in the history of makind up to 2010, when people realized these devices lied.

• Microsoft

                     Potential winners. They are the least likely to go out of business out of all three, since there are still people who use Internet Explorer (I've seen them in the wild). They also managed to beat Sony in the seventh gen. They have proved that you can make lots of money off a guy wearing a futuristic paper bag (read: green-orange helmet) and the X360 got lots of great shmups nobody bought.

However, they will probably not win. The extreme policies that made Xbox One owners-to-be virtual prisoners caused a bad taste in everyone's mouth. There was no ice cream or chocolate to pass around so that bad taste stayed even after these were removed. Also, the Xbox One will only be available in 21 countries, whereas the PS4 will be available in every country including the currently uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands.

Will Sega ever make consoles again?

Ah, Sega, where art thou? MAKING GAMES FOR NINTENDO? But in ancient times, Sega were Nintendo's biggest rival. They never beat Nintendo fully, but they came pretty close with the Genesis and were even in the lead will it for a while until Donkey Kong swung in and saved Nintendo. Sega were finally removed from the competition after their Saturn and Dreamcast (a great console, by the way, but it went the same way the Wii U is going now) didn't do well against the formidable PlayStation brand. But fans needn't mumble about life being unfair and shuffle home to be depressed. See, SNK, former console manufacturers themselves, have made a small venture back into the console industry with the Neo Geo X, but they have a long way to go if they are going to become a major contender again. That is, if they intend to do so at all.

As for Sega, they can motivate their employees to come up with new ideas for a console that will finally achieve Sonic's lifelong dream of beating Mario and whoever the hell is Sony's mascot right now, (I hope it isn't Kratos like everyone is thinking, because he's the worst choice for a mascot) by showing a video montage of awesome old Genesis games, old Sega employees celebrating at being in the lead over the SNES, then crying and hugging as they watch their ultimate collapse in the console market. The montage would have sad yet ultimately inspiring music playing with it and some scenes of Sega employees jumping and throwing confetti everywhere would be in slow motion before blurring and fading out to make them more moving.

So, I hope I managed to answer all the possible questions anyone had about E3. Now I'll scram. :)

My exam results came. I got 915/1050, which makes 87%, but since I was hoping for 90% I'm pretty unhappy with it.

Apparently the bastards (can we swear on GameSpot now? Oh yay :D) didn't like my English and Urdu papers very much, right, even though I was expecting to get 70/75 in them. The examiner must have been on crack I tell you. Well, I got full marks in Mathematics and Physics, that's something I guess.

Also, let's talk about my PS2. Which I'm still playing. And I'm happy with it. Yeah, I totally don't need a seventh gen console. I think I'll have a PS3 or Vita by 2027 though. One thing, Devil May Cry 3: Special Edition has now become my favourite PS2 game. It's just so awesome. I love it. Resident Evil 4 is now at number two.

You deserve it, mate

I'm currently trying to finish Prince of Persia: Warrior Within (PS2) after starting it and deleting my saves so many times. It's a good game, but I dislike one thing about it: there's almost no music at all. When there is, it's great, since it's rock and rock is THE music, but the fact that music rarely plays during combat and there are only about three whole tracks in the entire game, is disappointing. And the mid-fight one-liners are laughably bad. Still, I'm enjoying it. Good action game

Also, I'm playing Scarface: The World is Yours again. It's a great game. Far better than GTA. People were raving about how you could lock onto body parts in GTAIV or deal drugs in GTA Chinatown Wars when it's all been done before and better here. Best licensed game ever, best open-world game ever, and it beats GTA and the other stuff by a million miles.

Anyway, that's about it. 

Yes, you read that right. I absolutely hate it. Almost as much as I hate God of War. Almost, since God of War is the lowest level of suck. But more than anything... Animal Crossing scares the hell out of me.

I mean, you play a schizophrenic miniature drunk who thinks animals can talk. I despise the titchy red nose he had in Wild World for the Nintendo DS (the only Animal Crossing game I played.. for a while), and I don't like how the animals speak. "Zapazazapazazaza..." It gives me these weird distortions in my head. The only other time I get these is while changing my Persona in Persona 3, so I shut my eyes every time I do that. Sadly I can't make myself deaf everytime these animals speak and I don't lower the volume because I'm intent on hating it.

Much scarier than it looks, I tell you

I mean, am I the only one who finds the rotating cylindrical world scary as hell? People used to be scared that the world was flat so they'd fall off the edge. I'm scared that it's cylindrical, right, so I'll fall off completely when the gravity lessens, since it's non existent anyway.

Didn't anyone doubt that taxi driver at all? Why the hell does he ask you so many questions? I found him creepy and wished that he would die a gruesome death by slipping in the rain he loves talking about so much, then whining 'yar har har' until his heart gives out. :twisted:

I also found it really scary that the character's schizophrenia is never mentioned at all, and he keeps on living in this world until his death in the asylum. That is why everyone says Animal Crossing never ends, like they say that it won't stop in The Ring.

Also, how come he manages to carry so many bells? I'll pay you a million bells if you can give me an answer to that I'm satisfied with. Everyone is going, "I'll buy it for 10,2749 Bells," "I'll buy it for Hell's Bells," as if it's normal. And the sound of bells is never heard in the game during a transaction, which is extra creepy and confirms the guy's schizophrenia.

There's something about turnips, I dunno much, everyone loves turnips in this world, and I can't figure out why the hell why, I can';t bear turnips and neither should anyone else, which further adds to the creepiness since turnips hurt nice for everyone here.

So you can see that I won't be buying Animal Crossing: New Leaf because these games really scare me. It may look like a something cute game, but in reality it's horror game that transcends ordinary scares, bringing with it a whole new level of evil, and everyone knows how adept the Japanese are at psychological horror. They really nailed it this time.

And Tom Nook... need I say more?

After waiting for an eternity and a half, I got Class of Heroes 2 because I loved the original Class of Heroes, and therefore decided to tell everyone what I thought of it, not that anyone cares because I doubt anyone but the ones hardcore to the max will even care about this.

I lost sleep playing this, I tell you, so here's what I think of it so far:

It's very similar to the original Class of Heroes (think 'Etrian Odyssey goes to academy and becomes much better', since this is better than Etrian Odyssey in every way because I saw so and I have the final word here!), but there are some changes, namely:

- Gaijinworks were better localizationers than Atlus, so the 'pow!' and 'swoosh!' in battles is in English this time

- The 2D graphics are better

- It's much, much cuter

- There's more focus on the characters and story than in the original Class of Heroes

- Olive (the human girl you meet at the start, I'll add) is cute. Did I say that already?

- The dungeons are more complex, not as square-by-square as the original game

Hand-holding in this game is pretty much non-existent. Unlike the original game, which was unbeatably hard already, this game doesn't even have lessons where you learn about fighting and stuff. You're thrust straight into quests and requests with no tutorial of any sort. The digital manual is on the Gaijinworks website, so if you're getting this game read this first or this game will be most likely unplayable for you. 

http://www.gaijinworks.com/game-help/class-of-heroes-2/class-of-heroes-2-game-manual/

The gameplay is pretty much identical to the original game. The Valkyrie race has been removed ( :cry: ) and replaced with Celestians, which are basically the same thing, and of course I made myself a Celestian :D The races have different affinity for each other - gnomes get along with everyone except Diablos who don't get along with anyone except themselves - which is explained in the manual so you have to take this into account when arranging your party. Only then can you actually survive in the dungeons.

So all in all, it's cute, funny, and fun for hardcore, hardcore to the max gamers. And all in all it's another brick in the wall... of the PSP's awesomeness! :P I don't think a lot of people will buy this, but if you're interested and have the patience of a ninja then definitely do. With all the effort Gaijinworks and MonkeyPaw put into its localization it definitely deserves it.

Remember when I said the only thing I didn't have to do with Valkyria Chronicles 2 was that I hadn't read the Aliasse's Blue Flame manga?

No, of course you don't.

But anyway... every once in a while I search Valkyria Chronicles 2 on Google. Partly to find new fan art, and partly to flip the middle finger to anyone b****ing about my lovely game.

And I found that the Aliasse's Blue Flame manga has been translated.

I'm exceedingly happy.

:D

So this is good news for any Valkyria Chronicles fan.

The real ones anyway, not those pesky stuck up bass tards who are still whining desperately that Valkyria Chronicles 2 should have been on the PS3, or that its story is not good, or that its graphics aren't, or this, or that... To me, people like that are honestly the lowest forms of life. Lower than prokaryotes.

So a few fan arts of Aliasse to redeem an otherwise utter failure of a blog...

I guess that's it.

Goodbye.

Let's think, and do a serious blog for once.

I am not going to talk about stuff like, 'GameSpot's reviewers are so harsh - So-and-so game deserves a better score!' That's been talked about enough and it's quite possible that while I get away with criticizing a certain reviewer on Fuse, it'd be much more moderation-prone to post a blog saying how I have to cry myself to sleep regularly because that certain reviewer gave Persona 2: Innocent Sin a 5.0. :P

One of my favourite things about GameSpot is that you can post user reviews for almost any game, whether GameSpot reviewed it or not, whether it's well-known or not. The review system got an overhaul before I started reviewing, making it more 'compact' and allowing scores only in increments of 0.5 and getting rid of the silly system of rating things like graphics, gameplay and value separately.

In an effort to improve the quality of user reviews Gamespot has an emblem for the Top 100 and Top 500 User Reviewers and it really worked! The users nominated there (by the users - this is democracy) really did write excellent reviews. Yet one thing I keep noticing is that even the reviewers who later went on to achieve greatness, like benleslie5 in my opinion, were at the start very enthusiastic and .... um...

Over time, our reviews tend to get longer, more descriptive and more harsh.

When I started reviewing, I had so many exclamation marks in my review for English of the Dead that when I look back on it, I think, "Was I high?" Then as I started to review more regularly I became 'that' kind of reviewer, the kind that isn't out to make friends, makes some people emotionally shattered by giving the game they loved a low score, though like the GameSpot reviewers, I wasn't always harsh. My review of Scarface: The World is Yours  is probably the one I'm most proud of. When a game deserves a perfect score, it gets it.

A lot of people think that to be a respectable reviewer, you have to be a robotic, mention-by-way-of-example kind of person and you can never give a game a perfect score 'because nothing is perfect.'  Of course nothing is perfect, but even the 'harsh' GameSpot reviewers give a game a 10 if it's close to perfection. I was like that too, and I did the unforgiveable - I gave Valkyria Chronicles 2 a 9.5 instead of the 10 it so deserved. (I eventually did change my score to 10 :P) As for being serious in a review, Alex Navarro categorically proved that you can be funny and still give an excellent review. And humorous reviewers are always more popular anyway, or Destructoid would have gone bust long ago :P

There's an in-between which is the right way to review a game. Have an appropriate dose of humour (if the game is really bad, have an excess), give the game the score you truly feel it deserves and divide your review into the parts you're going to describe: gameplay, story, graphics, sound and presentation. There's no clear boundary between these parts but describing each of these things in turn is easier on the reader's mind.

So my point is, if you're a new reviewer and feel you're not good enough, or you look back on your old reviews and are embarassed, a lot of people are like that. The one uniting factor among all us reviewers is Street Cleaning Simulator :lol:

My life is back on track after my exams ended. I am much happier and less serious now, and I have all day to spend gaming or on Fuse. My damaged sense of humour is getting even more damaged trying to repair itself, and FINALLY Black Rock Shooter for the PSP got released on the PSN.

New games:

I finally got my grubby hands on Black Rock Shooter!

The character voices are in Japanese, but the menus and subtitles are in English. It's weird they spent a year and a half localizing it and in the end translated only the text but I guess they know only Japanophiles will buy games like this now. The graphics are good though they could have been better, the music and gameplay are excellent and from the first mission this game had that certain endearing nostalgic quality that I associate with early PS2 games. All in all it's awesome and anyone with a PSP should get it.

I also got these games, all for the PSP. I got Gun Showdown from my friend who's been bastardized by the Xbox 360 and no longer cares for such good consoles as the PSP. Ain't I cruel to people who are nice to me?

All of them are great except Strikers 1945 (my review) and Cho Aniki Zero is just decent. Cho Aniki Zero is a creepy game so avoid it if you're not a bullet hell fan. By the way, Disgaea Infinite and Metal Gear Solid: Digital Graphic Novel are visual novels, since of course the traditional novel is outdated (JK). Technology :P I've had Persona 2 for a quite a while actually, so it isn't actually 'new' but I only started playing it for real yesterday and besides, I wanted to fill out the space. :P

I also got Ace Combat: Assault Horizon Legacy for the 3DS.

Old games:

These are the games I've already played, that I busy myself in:

Yeah, I love my PSP. :P I haven't finished Persona 3 Portable yet but it's already become one of my favourite PSP games.

Movies:

I had planned to watch all the CGI game based movies I could find for a while, and gladly all of them were good. I haven't watched Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, and that's next on my list.

Apart from this I watched the only two Pakistani movies that were famous internationally.

Khuda Kay Liye is about how extremists present their own interpretation of Islam causing the religion to be thought of as a 'give yourself suffering, no joy' religion by many and the mistaken perceptions Americans and Muslims had of each other after 9/11. Bol is about a man who wants a son but after many daughters, gets a transgendered son instead due to which he makes his whole family suffer. Both of them are excellent films, though Khuda Kay Liye is better and is one of my favourite films :D

So, this is what I've spent all the past ten days doing. What about you guys? What have you been up to?

Isn't it kind of sad that I'm calling myself a savage? But after a month and a half, oh a whole month and a Goddamn half, that's how I feel. I have kept my sanity by allowing myself to go somewhat dotty - even more than I used to be.

Let me explain for those of you who aren't on Fuse. I had my final exams, and only my English exam is left (which is pathetically easy) so I'm back three days ahead of 15th April as I originally planned. After this it's goodbye to school - OH WAIT IT'S GOODBYE TO SCHOOL! :shock: :D

My crazier-than-usual attitude is attributed to me recently becoming a fan of the Sex Pistols. "Anarchy in the UK" and "God Save the Queen" are pretty awesome songs. Maybe you should give them a listen.

I plan to game a lot the rest of the month, because Black Rock Shooter is finally - FINALLY - after a year and a half's waiting getting released in English on April 23. Thank you NIS America. I wuv you :D

And Class of Heroes 2 got released on March 26. I also plan to get Elminage Original (because it's a grindfest waste-your-time dungeon crawler RPG :P).

But I have to go back and finish Persona 3 Portable and Phantasy Star Portable 2. I've shelved Legend of Heroes: Trails in the Sky - it's simply taking too long to beat. Maybe in my summer holidays.

Now time for a smiley attack.

:cry: -> :( -> :| -> :) -> :D -> :lol:

Yippy yappy yoo.

OK I be good now - sugar rush has worn off :P

I'll be on GameSpot more often now. Honest :) God bless all of you.

... is never, NEVER sing about being on the highway to hell and then die of alcohol poisoning soon after.

:|

Also, the farther you go into this blog the crazier it gets so if you haven't brought a snorkel, take a deep breath.

Next gen consoles will offer unprecedented gameplay, says EA

Oh, oh! I can't wait. It makes me want to throw off my shackles and whoop like a madman. Then I come back to my senses and chain myself back to my study desk. Because this is EA we're talking about. And EA are awful hypocrites. Tell you the truth, I don't care about unprecedented gameplay anymore; I just want games to be simpler and more fun. Like they used to be in the old days - even licensed games were great on the PS1.

*silence*

Sony are doing the right thing

Yes, Sony are allowing used games on the PS4... I think. The truth is, I have the attention span of a... wait, Fuse is working again isn't it? It's harder for me to have the patience to read a GameSpot article anymore than it is for you to kiss your elbow. See? You can't do it.

This just in! Lara Croft has crash-landed on a mysterious island...

The Tomb Raider reboot got an 8.5 on GameSpot, which is the equivalent of 285% on any other gaming site. What the game doesn't mention is that since she is a compulsive vegetarian, our heroine had to survive by eating pages of the developer's diary saying she was going to be raped. Thus he was able to deny it and say that all the fans claiming he had said so had problems of a possibly psychotic nature.

Mario to take up swearing

 (His shoes are still coloured, notice that?)

Even horror stories have to have funny points sometimes. Between the sex and violence (respectively) in God of War and Halo, Mario has been like a vegetarian but to make him more appealing to hardcore gamers (whatever that means) Nintendo will teach him how to swear. Last time I saw him he was facing a life-size poster of Bowser. "You are a bad man," he was saying with difficulty, his face redder than his hat. "You are a very... bad man."

Kratos' letter to a psychologist

Detectives in the gaming world have found that Kratos' anger management classes have been an utter failure. When they pieced together a torn-up page covered in blood and other stuff that out of respect to the chiddlers I will not mention directly, it said:

Dear Doctor,
Im not so strawng in Inglish so -- , I;m having some help; so-and-so god is in charge of spelling, so-and-so god in the punju - punctua - punchycun - all them little dots and splices and what have you, and so-and-so god is in charge of licking the stamp.
IM ANGRY BLA BLA BLA SPARTAAAAAANS WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION

I can't fathom how detectives traced ownership - "Look Watson, you can see a possible bit of thumbprint on this piece of paper. We have a partial fingerprint to work on."

Japanese game is a success. What do you know?

"[insert Japanese game name here] isn't getting localized." No sentence to me seems more capable of causing eternal misery and everlasting unhappiness. With the possible exception of, "Honey, I'm in love with your younger sister." Happily Ni No Kuni got a 9 on Gamespot, meaning it did the imposibble.

But somehow, thank those bastards because of whom Valkyria Chronicles III wasn't localized and some of us stayed awake until 4 am cutting our forearms and singing, "I Will Survive." Because they showed you the true value of Japanese games... and friendship! :D

The predictable....

Valkyria Chronicles fan art.

Our boy Welkin is growing up :P They look so cute together *watery eyes*

Sorry if I bored anyone, but I did try my best to bore everyone *cackles madly* :lol: