Vegasius Interruptus

You know, I was halfway through a blog on my antics in Las Vegas over last weekend – then suddenly everyone took it upon themselves to annoy me all at once. So here's a blog of **** I hate instead.

1) Constant Mucus 'sounds' – Let's get the really gross one out of the way. There are people out there who, through lack of tact or manners in general, don't find it the least bit rude to sound like they're about to hock a giant loogie out in front of you. You all know this noise – wherein some jackhat sucks their nose clean through their throat, giving them the options of either spit or swallow. Let me tell you something : whatever choice they make, everyone loses.

2) People who speak endlessly and yet say nothing. This happens a lot with people who are the 'know it all' types. No matter what you've done or achieved in life – they've already done it, and by god, they did it better than you. Which is fine, except they don't shut up about it – and indeed, thoroughly prove themselves total morons in the process when it becomes apparent they've no clue about what they're speaking. There's an old saying with a lot of variations but all means the same : "Better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and prove it" – Sage wisdom. Unfortunately, those to whom it would apply are far too insipid to ever figure that out.

3) The refusal to eat anywhere that doesn't have 'fried chicken strips' on the menu. My experience with this is mostly with women – as they tend to be pickier about what they eat, which is fine to an extent. I also know for a fact that there are men out there that act the same way, though they tend to be more rural, redneck types that fear all things different.. for example I have a coworker, who somehow manages to keep his job that refers to 'sushi' as "fish bait". Which is disrespectful in all sorts of ways, and when he makes this little joke of his I want to choke his squishy neck with my bare hands. I get irritated when people want to go out to eat, they talk a big game and we all go out, then ONE person has to have a ***** fest about how they don't eat Italian, or seafood, or sushi, or whatever and we all end up being dressed up really nice for IHOP. I stay away from restaurants that rely on pictures on the menu. (Unless I am really drunk, of course)

4) Women who speak to other adults as if they were speaking to one of their children. I say women here because to date, I have never seen a guy do this. I work around a lot of women who all have young children, and the majority of them are in a constant state of 'kid mode'. This annoys the ever living **** out of me. In particular, I was in a meeting with our lawyers, and one of our admins was taking notes. There was a pretty bad typo in the paperwork we were going over, and the admin who coincidentally had typed it all up, instead of saying something like "I'll fix that in the next draft" instead pipes up and says : "Uh-OH! I made an oopsies!" The lawyers both looked at me with eyebrows raised as I covered my eyes with the edge of my hand and looked down in shame. The typical conversations with these people however are frequently inundated with things like "ooh! I gotsta go potty!", "time for nye-nye!", or some other ridiculous kid-safe phrase. You are an adult; you are speaking to another adult. Follow suit or shut the hell up - I don't need you to censor yourself, nor do I care about your bodily functions or your fatigue level. Most of all though, don't speak to me as if I was a toddler.

5) In the same vein as the above item – people, that is ANYONE, men and women alike – who get into this weird 'child worship' thing. My monthly schedule is semi planned out for me by people who manipulate it around school schedules. We usually have a big meeting in August wherein the company puts us up in a nice hotel somewhere for a weekend and the days are spent in a conference room outlining goals for the following year. Thanks to the powers that be, that meeting has been moved to November, essentially giving us about a month to get the groundwork laid for 2011. Why? Because August is when school starts. Why not in September? Because that's when football starts. (more on that stupidity in a minute) So why not October? Because there are a lot of school bake sales that month with Halloween themes. ****. I get that everyone wants to be a good parent and all that bs… but don't bring it to work, and certainly don't plot out your company's business plan around your kid's school schedule. Oh, and while I'm on the subject, NO, I do not want to buy any crap from your kid. Leave your sales magazine at home with your personal life.

6) Sports obsession. All week I've had football brought up to me in every conversation I've found myself in. I have spent the majority of my life making fun of this sport, and the people who play it – from the middle school kids all the way up to the pro's and the aging retired bastards that cling to their endorsements like a shunned stalker. Since being out of college, I am no longer in a position to make fun of players directly to their faces anymore, as unlike in High School and College; I am not around them anymore. However, the fans swarm in herds of stupidity. Not that I go out of my way to seek them out and berate them for whatever they find interesting, ultimately I don't care – It's only when I get verbally called out because of my disinterest in it. Football fans are particularly rabid if they discover someone does not share their love of watching large gorilla-men in tight pants jump on top of each other, and will be alarmingly aggressive. It is no secret that I don't care for most sports as I simply find them boring to watch, and yet, every year – these people's minds lose this information and come back telling me to wear a jersey on Friday to show my support for my favorite team (which had BETTER be theirs if I know what's good for me) The very idea that I don't own any jerseys, nor any sportswear for that matter is completely foreign to them, so much so that others are brought in to point and wonder what planet I'm from. How could I *not* have a wall adorned with autographed jerseys and sports paraphernalia? The over the top drama in which this whole thing plays out is just enough to make me snap, which I often do, I'll then begin picking them apart one by one using only their irrational hard-on for football until they go away. If you want me to watch football – leave the score up, and keep the camera on the cheerleaders at all times. Until that happens, leave me alone.

7) Shenmue III and its insistence on not ever existing. What? Not everything I hate is people related, just 99.999% I can't quite fully explain this one, I played the first one, and I really enjoyed it despite its flaws, and it ended on a cliff hanger. The story desperately wants to be epic but the pace of the game was so painfully slow it's hard to push through for the casual gamer. Skip ahead some years later and I played through part 2 on the Xbox. I was finally going to get the end of the story! Or so I thought. Instead, I was left with yet another cliffhanger – it has been many years since then, and there's no rumor of finally finishing the damn story, not even a pamphlet summary floating around. So I guess really what I'm hating here is cliffhanger endings. It's arrogant of anyone to think whatever they do will warrant sequels, and while I'm not against having an epic overarching storyline across a series of books, games or movies, Each one should still have a self-contained narrative, with defined and achievable goals. The epic story line should remain in the background and not take center stage until the final act, basically – in a series of three for example, the first two should hint at things, but not give enough information to seem important, the third should pull it altogether and give the observer a big "wow" moment that can make you look back and see it all happening under your nose for the big finale. The carrot, not the stick. Bam.

8) Camping. I seriously hate camping; I don't care for being one with the bushes and squirrels or whatever. I have camped quite a bit in my life, each experience having its ups and downs – when I was a kid I loved it. I liked the idea of building a campsite from scratch – in my mind the goal was to make it as much like home as possible using whatever was available. The term "roughing it" was lost on me. Somehow I always ended up sleeping on a rock or a branch or root, or something – regardless of how well I cleared the area for the tent, or sleeping bag on the several occasions where the tent turned out to be a rolled up tarp or just the tent and no poles. My last camping trip I went on was my sophomore year in college with my girlfriend and her family. I bought the biggest tent I could find, the biggest self-inflating air mattress I could find, and basically built a house in the woods. Alas, for all my preparations, the lack of a/c and privacy combined with the fact that there is no way for me to be comfortable in a tent, tracking dirt everywhere and the lack of a shower or proper plumbing settled – furthered by aches and pains that a 19 year old shouldn't have settled it for me: That was the last time I would camp. Nowadays when I say I'm going camping, I mean I had to settle for a holiday inn.

9) Shopping. Like most guys, my method of shopping is extremely precise – when I go into a store, I don't 'browse' – I know exactly what I want and go grab it from the shelf and make my way to the cashier. This works great in stores like Best Buy, however shopping for clothes is annoying because you have to sort through shirts trying to find your size, pants too – and god help you if you, like me, have to buy a lot of dress clothes – then there's a salesman and a tailor following you around extending the process by an hour. I know you can buy things off the rack, which I also do, but having nice, tailored clothing is a good thing to have in your wardrobe when you need to appear professional. However, in these instances I at least know HOW to shop for these items. Grocery shopping however is something I consistently fail at – no matter how often I go into a store, it is always a maze to me, I can't ever find anything easily, the best I can do is wander aimlessly and hope I stumble across whatever I'm looking for. Even with my best effort, I can spend hundreds on groceries and upon filling my kitchen with everything – it still looks bare. Being the quintessential bachelor that I am, I've never really figured out what "kitchen essentials" are. I've seen them – my parents always have a full pantry, and by all logic I should be able to maintain that as well, since I'm only one person and barely ever eat at home. Yet somehow, my cupboards remain bare 95% of the time, which sends me back to the grocery store and the cycle continues. I hate all things there, so let's wrap this up with number 10.

10) People who write checks at the checkout line. OH you know who you are, you usually middle aged to elderly lady. Paying for your six cans of cat food and Metamucil with your 9 coupons and quietly waiting with your blank check laid out in front of you. I see you there, that smug look on your face as if your check is announcing a high status in society, which it in fact did back when you were a teenager… roughly 1920 to 1930 – you could use this time to at least write out the date and the name of the store… you could sign it. Anything to expedite what I know is going to be a painful process of waiting for you to get your way with your no doubt expired coupons from 1987 so Mr. Mittens can have his dinner. Mr. Mittens who may or may not be dead for the last decade. **** you, Mr. Mittens.:evil:

It's ******* HOT

I'm not going to bother with pictures – I can't ever get them to look right.

I live in Texas. It is HOT in Texas, especially during August. Typically, I can handle it, my encounters with this ungodly heat are limited to the brief moments between leaving a building and the sprint to my car where I immediately crank the a/c up to 11. I have grown up in a family that keeps the a/c on year 'round. We don't open windows in my family, nor do we bother with fans, we turn that thermostat down to 65 and leave it there, in the winter, it might get up to 70 – but usually not. Perhaps we are descended from Eskimos, I don't know – it's anyone's guess.

Now that you've a bit of context, let me tell you about the end of the world, and the hell that does indeed exist. Oh yes friends... there is a hell, and it was temporarily located in my condo. Last Monday I came home early from work, I did my dutiful adult responsibility thing and got groceries, something I can't STAND doing I might add, but I'll save that for an upcoming blog where I add to my list of things I wouldn't mind rolling up in a carpet and throwing over a bridge. It was, as you may have picked up on earlier, HOT outside. I dragged my 5 or 6 small bags of various edibles up to my door, opened it, and I was hit with the wall of refreshing frigid air that I have so come to love when I get home. After putting away my items and shaking my head at how alarmingly bare my kitchen still seemed regardless of my recent purchases, I decided to get dinner going. Nothing fancy, I just marinated a steak and chopped up some veggies for a little stir fry. I hit the living room and prepared to watch Judge Judy lay down the law. (There is NOTHING on TV at 5pm. I swear it's a conspiracy) Anyway, about 6:30 I started getting hungry and decided it was time to throw my delicious steak onto the grill so off I went. The kitchen filled with steam as the veggies hit the wok and I threw in some choice spices and a couple of peppers, the grill was generating it's own heat and it was HOT in that damn kitchen. You know that saying, "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen" ? Well I did. Guess what? It was hot in the living room too. The living room has nothing in it that can generate heat, so this was quite perplexing. I held my hand up to the a/c vent… luke warm air. I ran to the a/c system hidden away in its own closet in a hallway, It was sounding a lot louder than usual – coupled with a sound that no household appliance should make unless you keep a rock grinder in your linen closet or a cement mixer in your pantry. I shut it off and hoped for the best, thinking it just needed to "rest" – I don't know why that made sense to me at the time, but it did. So I ate my dinner, and went to turn it back on. It came on, sounded normal and the air was cold again.. sort of. That what I convinced myself of anyhow, and it wasn't warm like before, so I was thinking PROBLEM SOLVED! I r SMRT! I closed the door and again went to handle the dishes - then came the odd noises and out came the warm air. My a/c was officially deceased.

I don't know if anyone here has ever had the distinct pleasure of dealing with this sort of situation, but there is a period of denial, followed by what I can only describe as irrational reasoning. My house was approaching 80 degrees, sped up by my stir frying and steak grilling earlier. It was too late to call anyone to come out and take a look, so I was stuck. I convinced myself I could handle it, took a shower and got ready for bed. When I got out, it didn't seem too bad. "I can do this!" I thought to myself – how foolish. As I got in bed kicking my blanket off knowing full well it wouldn't be needed – I started rationalizing that I could live like this for awhile, I don't NEED a/c! It's like camping! Who doesn't like camping? I love camping! I haven't camped in years! Yeah! Camping! Woo!

I *hate* camping. I'm not an outdoorsy kind of dude. I am not one with nature, and I have no desire to be. (Yet another topic for a later blog, obviously.)

I woke up very early the next morning, the air was thick and sticky.. pretty much like being in a tent in August. I wet a towel and chugged a lot of ice water, patting myself down trying to stay cool – I was sweating profusely at this point and realized that there was no way I'm going to be able to live like this. I am 100% "city boy" – you can call me sissified all you want, and I won't care because I'll be comfy. I called my office and left a message informing my boss that Satan was holding me prisoner in my own home and was not sure if and when I'd escape. I then set about researching different a/c repair companies, and got a rude awakening into the world of air conditioning repair and replacement.

Repair Guy: "Well I got up on the roof, the motor in your condenser unit is shot and it needs to be replaced."

Me: Umm… okay – let's do it. How much is that?

RG: "The motors for those things usually run around 6 or 7 hundred."

Me: Ouch. Very very ouch.. I guess go ahead and install it then. (I hope you accept bits of string as payment… said a voice in my head)

RG: "I'd be happy to do that for you, but there's another issue here, your condenser and, your whole a/c system is pretty old, they don't make these anymore, so it's kind of hard to track parts down. I doubt I could find one before next week – and I can't promise it won't be more.

Me: (You're about to sell me something, aren't you, you smarmy bastard?) So it's old – but it's fine right? It just needs a new motor.. thingy … and then I can have air?

RG: "No, no… look here"

It is at this point he takes me to my a/c in the hallway where it has been opened up. He points out leaks, and failing wiring that is well over a decade old and most likely a fire hazard, rotting insulation that has long since stopped doing its job and then, to make his point, he touches the cap of his pen to a metal pipe, melting it.

RG: "That pipe should be ice cold, it's where the freon runs through the system.

Me: (Great. I'm going to burn to death by heat or in literal flames.. here comes the sales pitch, I better sound like I know what I'm talking about so he doesn't try to screw me) Okay – so…. I just need a new motor for the condensifiermabob and a new, non-melty pipemojingy? That's it right? (Nailed it!)

RG: Sir – You really should look into getting a new air system.

Me: (****!!!!) How much does that cost? (I better hit him with my bargaining skills) I'm not paying more than 20 dollars. (AWW YEAH)

RG: Well, I can email you an official quote once I get back to my office where I've got a price sheet… but it's going to be in the range of $7500 or so.

Me: (brain hemorrhages….now) …… I'll give you 50.

RG: I'll just email you the quote.

Me: 18 dollars and a new pair of socks. Final offer.

RG: That's… that's not even… You know what? I'll just go ahead and get that email to you as soon as possible.

So more or less, that's how the first meeting went. By the end of Tuesday, I had wussed out and taken up residence at my parent's house who fortunately have spare bedrooms. Over the next two days I had 4 other companies come and look, they all had the consensus that my air conditioning does indeed need to be replaced, and that basically, spending anymoney on repairs would be a waste.The prices given to me went as high as $9600 which made me cry openly on the techs shoulder, leaving a little wet sad face stain on his sleeve. Ultimately I did find a company that DIDN'T jerk me around, the guy came in, didn't try to sell me on anything, gave me straight, no nonsense answers and came in a good 100 bucks cheaper than the lowest bid. He and his team came out Monday of this week, and I had a/c by Monday night. They even upgraded my thermostat for me from the old-timey dial, apparently not really used since the late 1800s to a fancy digital model that I had to spend an hour and a half reading instructions to figure it out, a direct violation of the man code, but it had to be done.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be turning 29 – I had party #1 last night, I'm sure tonight will be interesting as well. I've spent the majority of the day in recovery mode, I discovered that if I am intoxicated enough, I think I can dance like Usher. (Not even close) I'll have to curb any compulsions to do that ever again. Getting older has never bothered me like it does a lot of other people. I sort of enjoy it to be honest – a little older, a little wiser, you still make mistakes but you've attained the ability to actually learn from them, and possibly my favorite is watching the teens and the early 20-somethings do the same stupid crap I used to do, and laugh at how ridiculous it actually is. In gaming terms, I'd equate it to watching a newb struggle through an early level that you've mastered, and the sly grin you get reveling in that knowledge. You're still you, just an older, smarter version. There are those unfortunates out there that seem to go in reverse, that is, defying logic and somehow becoming less intelligent - and god knows I work with a lot of them. They apparently exist as an anamoly specifically put here to annoy me.Some people talk about getting old like any minute past 30, you will collapse into a wrinkly bag of dust and leftover Viagra… I've never understood that, why not just enjoy yourself? It's a waste of time not to, and complaining about it doesn't help anything. Make jokes about it if you have to, whatever helps you cope – you might actually laugh, and really, isn't that the point?

Rapid fire blogging because why the hell not!? That's why.

It has been awhile since my last blog wherein I painstakingly detailed my new gamertags and made it perfectly clear that my self-worth is invariably determined by the number of friends I have online. In hindsight, I suppose this was a poor choice to judge myself by as I have maxed out at three. Therefore, my ego shall henceforth be fueled by a steady diet of alcohol and delusions of grandeur... So basically the same as I've always been… but maybe slightly more so.

In June, I upgraded from my iPhone to the HTC Evo, and I don't regret it one little bit. I have not had one single dropped call unlike AT&T, which didn't seem to think making calls on a phone was that important. Also I'm convinced there is a tiny race of hyper intelligent bunnies living within it, which do my bidding with little more than a thought. This can also be a side effect of the aforementioned diet of alcohol. Also I heart the large touch screen and hidef camera.

Another upgrade within that same time frame, I have at last ditched Vista for Windows 7. I did a fresh install which meant I lost a lot of things that I always forget to back up, nothing life altering… I will have to start Dragon Age: Origins over as I forgot to backup my save… but that game severely drags for me in a lot of parts for some reason, so when I go back, hopefully it will be with renewed interest, which has happened before with other games. One major benefit of these two simultaneous upgrades was the fact that I didn't have any reason to re install iTunes, which I loathe entirely, along with the majority of Apple's products.

Let's see – I continue to work around a pack of mouth breathing ingrates with all the brain power of an empty jar of mayonnaise between them. So that's fun. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, wow – I can't believe how incredibly intelligent I am! I must have an IQ of well over 500, that's like 2 and a half Steven Hawkings! Wow indeed! Then I realize my surroundings - and worse, I realize that if anything, I am in all likelihood becoming dumber-er by the day simply by being there. Naturally, I find this extremely depressing, and start considering ways I'd like to die. So far my favorite is in a zero gravity no holds barred orgy to the death with the victorias secret models.

Father's day came and went – I didn't receive any cards, for which I am extremely thankful, and hope to keep it that way as long as possible, if not forever. I did grill some steaks for my dad and grandfather though while they sat around and watched sports and smoked cigars. I'm not terribly interested in either, but hey it was fun regardless.

Gaming has been slow going – if I play anything, it has been on my PS3… although I've been giving Dragon Quest VIII another go, one of a couple of RPG holdovers that were never completed – since I don't have any new games to keep me distracted, it's easier for me to sit and enjoy it rather than trying to hurry up and finish so I can get to the next game. Not to say that I don't have a purchase list, Red Dead Redemption for the 360 being at the top. However I'm holding out, as I've a ton of games that have gone unfinished on all of my game systems, and I need to get through at least SOME of these before I go throwing money at new shinys. The self control I am displaying here by the way is nothing less than epic.

Thoughts on E3: I'm quite a bit underwhelmed this year. Nothing I saw or read said to me "oh man I can't WAIT for that!" At worst, there's usually at LEAST one title that makes me salivate in anticipation for its release, alas, it is not so this year. All this motion control noise – I just don't know about it. It all looks and feels too gimmicky to me… the Sony 'Move' I guess looks the best to me since it seems to be the most accurate, but that's not saying much. Maybe I'm just too old, but standing in my living room waiving my arms around in a sporadic manner feels ridiculous to me. Of the many things I don't want a girl to catch me doing, that is definitely in the top five. Possibly the top three. I'll skip over MS' bs theatrics with the Star Wars title. I guess the big show was the 3DS… but as I observe this on a 2D screen, it's sort of hard for me to be impacted by something I can't see in its entirety. I'll check out a store demo whenever it comes out and decide if it's really worth it, and then weigh that against available titles. I doubt I'll buy it before late next year.

Speaking of being old, I realized a couple weeks ago that all our summer interns call me 'sir' out of what I assume to be fear. I was amused by this until I had one of those epiphanies where you're like "waaaait a minute…" I realized that some of them are ridiculously attractive girls in their early 20's. I don't want THEM to fear me, or even be respectful! I want them to be flirty, damnit. Then my little black heart shrank a little bit more, and I'm that much closer to stealing the **** out of xmas.

Intern. Me.

Hello everyone,

I'll just make this short and sweet, If you will note to the right of the page, I have fresh new tags on my xbox live (currently in it's 1 month free trial gold) as well as on PSN. (currently in it's forever trial of free)I've re-added those of you I already had friended on my other one - so you can delete 'Valek1394' - for it isofficially abandoned, much like my shady, shady past. (Aquitted!)

For any of you who wish to add me, pleasedo, asI gauge my own self-worth via the number of friends I have online and I like to feel super popular. Chicks dig popular online guys! Or that's what I hear.

Xbox Live : Aaron L Martin

PSN : Aaron_L_Martin

No they are not at all creative - but it's awkward being almost 30 and having to explain an online name that has it's origins sometime back when I was in like 5th grade. :P

Gamer : Valek - isn't that the name of that vampire guy in that John Carpenter movie?
Me: Umm- yeah... ish.. but really I had it before that movie, see there was this book and-
Gamer : Dude, vampires are gay and not gay in the homosexual way.. gay in the...the gayglittery way. Whichever insults the shiny vampire movies and not the orientation. That one.
Me : No, I totally agree, see because the name was a surname for this character in some book I read in elementary school, itactually had nothing to do with vampires,and I really liked the nameso I started using it for all my gaming char-
Gamer : You know what?I don't care anymore.
Me : ... For the record that movie wasn't bad for a vampire flick, and I'm against anything that makes Harry Potter look hardcore.
Gamer : Whatever TwlightGirlie02. Let me know when you graduate high school and I'll send you 3 bucks.
Me : **MURDEROUS RAGE** :evil:

No witty italicized subtitle today, kids. It's ALL business this week.

I'm going to be honest with you guys here; this blog may or may not make any sense. I think it conveys my views on the topic, I can't honestly tell if I'm just reading the words and my brain is quietly filling in the blanks for me, or I manage to get my opinion across - but I wrote this while still drunk on very little sleep and next to no food - which is not a situation that is very conducive to moments of clarity. Which is why I write like I'm actually talking out loud and there are something like 800 paragraphs. In any case, it seems to be mostly sound as far as grammar and spelling go, although at one point I skew off on a short story about a girl who wants to race cars and then I pretty much accuse EA of being cash grubbing meth addicts.

Enjoy!

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So, EA. I always knew it would end like this: Me whining about some stupid decision you make, and you never knowing who I am. You're just like all the others! Including Elizabeth Hurley, Scarlett Johansson, Pre-Preggo'd Jessica Alba, Pre-Beckam'd Posh Spice for about 9 weeks a few years ago, and more recently, Meagan Fox. Why won't any of you learn!?

So this year's "let's see what we can get away with" ploy from EA is "Project Ten Dollar" – I can't fully comprehend the reasoning behind this without making the assumption of blind greed. Maybe that is preachy, or anti-capitalist, or… or some other more appropriate word on my part, but here's the thing: As I understand it, this is to deter not just piracy, but the used game market as well. I'm sorry, what? Look, I am not Gamestop's #1 fan by a long shot. I loathe having to go there hoping they'll have some game I've been looking for and fight off magazine subscription pushers and pre-sale artists. It always strikes me as odd that a lot of the people that work there are younger people, almost assuredly gamers themselves and should know better than to try that kind of bul….

ANYWAYS, we're talking about EA. Focus, damnit.

Okay, deter piracy, gotcha. I admit, I don't know what the solution is here – and I don't think there is any real way around it. The more blocks these companies put up, the bigger the collective middle finger of the pirate community gives. The average paying customer suffers in the middle, jumping through hoops to use a product that has been acquired legally. There will always be jackasses, EA. You're in a digital medium and it is an unfortunate side of it. Get over it.

This not so subtle jab at the used game market though is something I find quite alarming. Used games got me through college… (also a lot of booze) the sale of my PS2 and my games helped me pay for some of my ridiculous tuition. Not MUCH mind you, but back then when I found a dollar bill in a drawer or a pair of pants; that was a life altering event. I can't imagine that EA's production plans included the thoughts of what happens to their games after they leave their warehouses. Do they assume that each game will be purchased and that will be the end of the line? You make a copy of a game, you sell it to retailers for X, the retailers sell it for Y, the end. The money is made, the transaction is done. That disc has now served its full purpose and is now in the hands of a gamer. If the game sells well, retailers will re-order, the cycle begins anew, and EA can now begin on the 90th Sims expansion pack, or incremental upgrade to the players sock colors for Madden 2011. What happens to that game after the gamer purchases it is not any of their concern.

So now the gamer has decided that his copy of Need For Speed : OuttaIdeas has become old news. Time for new blood! New blood costs money, and depending on the gamer, that money may not be particularly plentiful, or they're just thrifty. Economy is down – being cheap is trendy. To the used game store! So the game gets traded in for, let's call it 20 bucks. Gamest……. The UNNAMED shop puts it back on the shelves and labels it used for 30 dollars. Enter another gamer. She has the intense desire for high rates of movement, but has no idea what to get. "I have just the game for you!" says the well informed and not at all pushy salesman… Customer Service Representative.. whatever they're calling themselves these days.

He begins to ring up Need for Speed : OuttaIdeas, and offer a magazine subscription, she is ready to pay her $30 and ignore any further offers, when in stomps an EA special operative. "You must pay $60.00 for this game!" He states rather matter-of-factly, his lazy eye, red from EA mandated meth injections hidden by dark tinted sunglasses.

"This is a USED game!" exclaims the magazine salesman with every ounce of insincere excitement in his filthy, filthy body. "Plus, you can totally get this magazine and we can reserve you a copy of "Generic Sport Franchise Game + Year" he adds meekly, having sapped all his strength on the used game line.

The EA special ops man appears taken aback momentarily, "This stuff is way awesome" he whispers to himself while observing his hand. "I'm sorry, what? Kind of spaced out there for a second, sounded intense though… Anyhow.. ma'am you can't have that game unless you pay full price."

"But it's used, why would I pay full price when it's a second hand purchase?" she replies.

"FINE." Says the special ops man. "I don't have time for you and your insane circular logic, I am SUPER hungry and I'm getting a little hyper so I need to get some fourth meal and a mountain dew in me stat. You pay your $30 bucks for your smelly game, and I'm going to come by your place later and get the other $30 from you. Deal?"

"NO. I'm not paying full price, forget it. I don't even want the game anymore, I'll get something else."

"Wait wait wait! How about $20? C'mon baby I need my fix!"

"Oh my god, what is wrong with you?" she says, tears welling in her eyes from genuine alarm and a building desire to flee.

"Okay! I'll come by later and we'll make it an even $10 and we're square, you don't pay full price and I get another $10 bucks off that game. Cool?"

No, EA. It is NOT cool. What they want here is to "drive" the market to purchase only new games. I get it, more money in their pockets… but this is not the solution. Locking out a chunk of the game because you don't have the one-time use code seems completely unethical to me. They're looking to get paid every time each game changes hands, until the middleman gets cut out completely. Right now I think they're just trying this out on a few titles and it's locking out just multiplayer/online aspects and DLC. Its current form doesn't affect me because I hate playing online, and it's mostly on their sports games, which they want everyone to re-buy every year anyway. My concern is what it will mutate to. Suppose this begins to apply to all their games? What if it cuts out not just the multiplayer, but a chunk of the main game itself? Maybe not that extreme, but there's potential for some serious consumer screwing here – especially if it spreads. Before you know it, game rentals are a thing of the past, Gamefly has flown out the window, and then all we can do is wait for price drops.

I suppose it's not all bad. EA would have to up its quality control if they want gamers to keep dropping cash on them for new games.

Aside from that, I am rather shocked that a LOT of gamers seem to back this up. "Oh they're just protecting their IP!" – their "IP" is NOT in any danger. They made a game, they sold the game. Their part is done. "Yeah this will help stamp out those dirty pirates!" – NO. No it will not. There are way more pirates than there are game companies, and they will always be a step ahead, because they're a hive mind that is constantly working on perfecting its methods and/or destroying cheetos.It is a basic fundamental truth. I'm not saying give up the fight, but don't screw over the one's that paid their money. It's disheartening to see so many acquiesce to this so willingly. Like EA is perusing blog comments and saying "Ah they AGREE! They will make a fine addition to our army of darkness! Bring EA the goat skull filled with infant blood! We thirst!"

Whatever, I for one do not submit to our new overlords.

Wherein you will find things that I hate.

Sometimes, you just have to blow off steam, and occasionally there is one thing in particular that is setting you off and you can rant for an hour and still have plenty more to say about it. Other times, there is a large selection of things that are pressing your various buttons and the best you can do is make a list. This is one of those times, and a lot of them are work related, or more specifically co-worker related. You see, I work around what can only be described as idiots….really, really lazy idiots. Each day is like bearing witness to a magnificent opera of stupidity. A train wreck comprised of moronic behavior and ridiculous conversations that can't possibly have any real value to anyone smarter than the average pickle. The worst part is that I am the sole audience member to this misguided farce and there's no real way to describe it in words. Also, it's entirely possible that perhaps I've said some of these before, but I can't be bothered to look back through my own blog to see what I have and haven't ****ed about in previous entries, so I'll probably end up repeating myself. I apologize in advance.

1) People who repeat themselves. This is here ironically for the most part and you shouldn't think too much into it.

2) Those who can't respect another's personal space… perhaps this is more of a cultural thing – I'm an American and I know we tend to be pretty picky about 'space' whereas in other parts of the world it's not a big deal at all. So, really – this is directed at the people who should KNOW better, but due to complete lack of manners or just an awkward understanding of what is socially acceptable. I work with a couple of people like this… they lean in over my shoulder too look at my screen… their arm casually draped over the back of my chair, their face inches from mine – I can hear their breathing – the slight grunt as they hold themselves doubled over to look at my screen as if it is imperative that they read for themselves what I'd be happy to relay to them in conversation that does not require the awkward, and occasionally downright disgusting closeness. In fact, I'd prefer just copying and pasting it to an email and let them read it for themselves. In their office. Far away from me.

3) People who smack their gum. This sort of goes with the above item. I don't mind chewing gum – it cuts down on bad breath, and I'm ALL for that. (More on that in a minute) HOWEVER, is it really necessary to keep loudly popping it within your mouth? The constant clicking noise created from the tiny air bubbles forming and consequently popping in the globule that you are rolling around in your mouth is not at all charming. This, combined with the above is enough to just make me snap.

4) Halitosis. There's no nice way to tell someone their breath is similar to a stagnant pool of rhino piss. Bad breath is one of my biggest pet peeves, whether the cause is truly halitosis, or simple laziness in the morning and not brushing your teeth – this is easily dealt with via gum, altoids, mouthwash, tic tacs, mentos, or any one of the other thousands of products developed for this one specific purpose. If you're too lazy to deal with it, then leaning in over my chair for some issue you claim is work related is well beyond your scope of comprehension and actual ability in terms of productivity. Your plants are dying in Farmville, kindly **** off and tend to them and leave me alone.

5) People who want to talk to me about religion. Don't. Just don't. Don't argue with me how evolution is just a theory – don't print out Wikipedia articles that support your views and shut out scientific ones. You believe whatever you want to believe whether it's Jesus playing drums on a t-rex or a flying spaghetti monster - and I will not interfere, mostly because I just don't care – and I expect the same courtesy. If you push me, you will not like what I have to say. You will be insulted, and I still will not care. There are two things that should never be discussed in mixed company, money and religion.

6) People who discuss money. As I said above, this is one of the two things that should never be mentioned in mixed company, and even amongst friends it can still come off as rude and pretentious. If you want to go and talk about all your millions of dollars, that is your prerogative… but in my experience, if you have money, you don't talk about it… there are any number of reasons for this, but I feel one the most prudent is simple courtesy – you must bear in mind that there are many people that are not as fortunate as your bad, financially savvy self, perhaps they've lost their job, or they're living paycheck to paycheck struggling to keep their lights on. Likely, they're like most average citizens and have a job, and make enough to live on, but still must move within their own budgets… and occasionally there might just be someone that actually knows what you are trying to talk about, and has called your bs out already in their head, but they won't say anything because – well it's rude to talk about money. You never know - Rubbing your wealth, or all your super awesome investments in anyone's face is a pretty **** move, and while it may make you feel impressive, it's not. It's something more along the lines of fishing for compliments which is obnoxious. Oddly enough, there is a flip side to this coin… you can yell from the rooftops that you're broke as a joke and that is somehow okay. Weird. In any case, If you want to show off, I suggest you play Monopoly or go to Vegas.

7) Apple. I have a problem with Jobs stubborn refusal to allow flash content on the iphone. I partly understand the reasoning since Apple is all about their proprietary blah blah blah and don't want anything 'extra' installed that might usurp use over native programs whether by force, or simply because it's superior… ahem… *cough*Googlevoice*cough* – but why couldn't they just make an 'app for that'? I don't care how 'antiquated' he says it is – it's still a massive part of the internet, HTML5 or whatever is not widely used yet, next gen or not. If you invent the car, you don't ban the horse and buggy right away because it's old technology. I bought my iPhone roughly 18 months ago. My contract is up in October or November, and I will be leaving it behind. It was a great phone for awhile, but the tech coming out of Apple is like blood from a stone. You get a drop every now and then, but man – it's just not enough, especially when other phones are leaving it in the dust…. Meanwhile HTC is throwing out the Evo, which is any tech junkies wet dream. There is no way in hell Apple will put that much tech into one phone when it can milk it out over several generations. I know people that have bought all 3 versions of the iPhone for the latest and greatest – how ridiculous is that? You drop hundreds of bucks on a phone that sports a few minor upgrades from your last one, never mind the monthly bill. That is NUTS. I've bought one, and the last 3 or 4 months has been excruciating for me. I like my phone – but it's limitations are becoming increasingly apparent, magnified by its ever weakening battery and the dropped calls, slow network – yeah. When my contract is up, my apple affair will end. I seriously do not like Apple products.

8) Blatant laziness. I cannot stand people who manipulate and BS their way through every day, and really do nothing but sit on facebook the entire time… worse is seeing them rewarded for it. It tells me that the people in charge are just as lazy as the ones holding them up and eventually it will all fall to me as it always inevitably does. It's always me quietly working in the background, forced to take up the slack while these "managers" reap the benefits. I am very vocal about my feelings on this to my manager, and he is aware of this situation, but does nothing outside of telling me that I'm intimidating the other managers. Manager. They love saying that word – like the more they say it somehow makes them more authoritative. The majority of these people just arbitrarily stuck it on their business cards, and took themselves seriously. Corporate America, folks. This is where common sense comes to die. I no longer make efforts to hide my disdain for the majority of my coworkers; they make their false smiles which earns nothing from me beyond a silent and minimal acknowledgement. You want smiles and pleasant fuzzy feelings? Go watch Sesame Street. I'm an accountant.

9) Anyone who complains about their situation, but does nothing to even ATTEMPT to change it. Obviously, not everything is in your control, and maybe there's nothing you can do, at least as far as you know – but why not try anyway? If you're not happy with something, then do something about it. If nothing comes of it, then at least you can say you've made an attempt and that's better than just blindly accepting whatever it is and sticking yourself in the endless catch-22 that's making you miserable in the first place. Max out your options… THEN you can ***ch. The obvious exceptions are when doing anything will result in your immediate injury and/or death of course… but how many of you are currently being held captive by pirates? Yeah thought so.

10) People who repeat themselves. This is here ironically for the most part and you shouldn't think too much into it. Also, 10 is a good number to stop on.

So on Saturday I reinstalled an old favorite of mine, 'Evil Genius' … it was a repurchase really – I randomly came across it on Steam for 10 bucks and figured what the hell. As flawed as this game is on a technical level, it's still every bit as enjoyable as I remember. It's one of those games that I truly wish there would have been a sequel to as it would have had an excellent foundation to build and improve on. In the same vein as 'Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines' developer Troika (sp?) This company too, I believe closed its doors not long after this game shipped. It functions with one official patch and a few fan patches that have various tweaks and modifications for purposes of balance. As it stands, sure there's a plot, and a story to follow – but really it's all about building your secret *pinky to chin* underground lair. *eyebrow raise*

Upgrading minions and setting the hallways with ridiculous and increasingly complex traps amidst a huge assortment of various rooms, each with a nefarious purpose brings a sly grin to my face. Good times.

As a side note - Monster Hunter Tri has my attention - I don't have a wii, but after I hear a bit more from others I may just make the jump. Which of course paves the way for other wii titles I may have missed out on and I can finally catch up.

hehe... wii.

Incoherent ramblings and never fulfilled promises of clarity

Pictured: Complex inner workings of the human mind

As no doubt most of you have realized by now, there's only two or three marbles rolling around in my brain case. However, every now and then they'll clack together and spark what I like to call a "thought" – whether or not it makes any sense is left to chance of course, but, being a gamer, I like to play the odds. That said here are some odds and ends, in no particular order, from the last couple of weeks:

Deus Ex: Human Revolution : Oh yeah, that just happened. I wrote out the title of an FPS.

In the future, dramatic removal of sunglasses will be automated.

Obviously, there isn't too much that can be said about this game, at least from my own standing. I will say this though : I am intrigued. (This also may be a sign of the Apocalypse) I say this because its predecessor, specifically the first game, was one of the few FPS' where the story managed to hook me in, then combined with it's RPG elements carried it through for me. All the conspiracies you can think of, wrapped up into an exceptionally written plot. It had its issues, a lot I think were pushing the last legs of the aging Unreal engine, but I had little trouble overlooking a lot of its shortcomings thanks to the story and the fun little upgrades available to J.C. Denton. The second game didn't do it for me – plus at the time I believe my attentions were devoted elsewhere, if not university coursework, then certainly to the consumption of what had to have been illegal amounts of alcohol in most countries. In any case, the recent trailer has done its job and gotten my attention.

God of War III: in mah pants/killin' kilt.

One of these is not like the others.

Kratos is by far one of the most awesome gaming characters in recent history, if not all time. As far as I'm concerned anyway…. He's the perfect tragic anti-hero, fueled by rage and vengeance which just brings a twisted smile to my face. I have always been drawn to games that don't make me play the goody-two-shoes, always do the right thing, scout of undeterred honor at all times type of character. They're so vanilla, it's boring. That's not to say that I want the good guy who's sole characteristic is being an moody emo bi*** either. I'm looking at you at least one character in every jRPG ever. Kratos is all badittude and blood and he's got his reasons, right or wrong be damned – and I for one friggin' love it, and I can't wait to see the conclusion. I'll be grabbing this game up as soon as I wrap up my replays of the first two.

On a side note, I think one of my favorites, aside from Kratos, is probably Kain from the Legacy of Kain series. He was a spoiled nobleman turned vampire that decided it was more fun to go just lord it over everyone rather than being someone else's puppet, and eventually developed himself into a pretty crafty string puller over the course of his history.

What do you mean I'm not a playable character anymore!?

Mass Effect 2: A little less sex scene, a lot less drive around on a blank planet.

All ur base r belong to us! lolz! ahahaha... no seriously - you're #%&@ed.

Typically, I want to complete games to 100%. That is, I want to see everything a game has to offer. The last decade of gaming has made this sort of desire alarmingly futile. Which really, isn't so bad – in terms of replay you could always go back and find something new, and I guess that's the point. I never completed Mass Effect, and it was partly because I became so intensely annoyed at the optional side quests in my foolish attempt to 100% the game. I really need to learn to try for that extra crap on a second play through, but man, old habits die hard. However, I'm feeling partly motivated, since I know that my Commander Shepard will carry forward into the next game. This sort of element thrills me just as it did back in my Quest for Glory days.

Xbox Live Gamer tag: Ashes to ashes and…something something about dust.

I feel this image speaks for itself.

I have not turned on my Xbox in months, closer to a year, which is long enough to declare it legally dead. My gold membership expired, and the PS3 has garnered my favors since I bought it. I think I have resolved to abandon my current gamer tag, I don't know what is going on in any of my game saves, and frankly, I don't really care. Whatever attachments I had have long since disappeared, and god knows I hate my achievement score which in no way represents my true gaming habits. Now that I know what to do and not do when putting a game into one of these systems, especially crappy ones that just make me wince when I see them listed under my name... like 'Iron Man – 10%' - *shudder* I can manage things a little better this time around. So, my plan is to start anew. Hopefully you guys will add me back under whatever my new tag will be when I get around to rejoining the world of online gaming.

Spring Cleaning: Sometimes you just gotta throw some **** away.

Maid to please! See? It's a PUN!

It turns out I have a lot of crap that has been accumulated over the last decade or so that I neither want, nor even like. Over the last several weeks, I have been going on a rampage through my condo. When you're going through all your stuff, it can be hard to make a decision about keeping something or getting rid of it – I don't like a lot of clutter personally, less and less really as time goes on – but when I do find myself facing this, my general rule of thumb is : if I have no sentimental attachment to it, i.e. my grandfathers old paints, or something else with some actual value to it – then the next question is, have I even THOUGHT about this thing in the last year? If not, trash. That method easily rids me of 95% of the various odds and ends. On the larger side of things, so far I have given away a bed, two nightstands, an armoire, a desk, 2 SDTVs, a stereo, 3 bookcases, a breakfast table and it's 4 chairs, a microwave and I'm still not done unloading furniture, the living room will be last, but probably the most important. Most of this has gone or will to charity, but I've given some to a friend who just got a new apartment and I've left my entire DVD collection with family members as I have made a permanent and snobby switch to blu-ray. As all these various things have been cleared out of my home, I am going back through with a vengeance, scrubbing every nook and cranny. I bought a pressure steamer… gun… thing… which I am using to sterilize pretty much the entirety of the place along with a ton of other cleaning supplies. Once I am done I plan on getting fresh paint throughout, and there are a couple of small renovations I want done, but probably not viable until next year… in the meantime maybe some updated light fixtures and replacing the carpet in the rooms I didn't already change to hardwood. After that, I'll slowly start refurnishing, likely turning my guest room into more of an office with a sleeper sofa instead of a bed, and generally just buying newer, nicer stuff to replace this junk I've been carting around with me since I moved out of my parents house a decade ago when I was 18, and this stuff was dated then, so – yeah… it's time.

To be fair, I started out with some planks of wood on cinderblocks and green and blue blow up furniture in an efficiency apartment with one small window nailed shut that faced a wall, so comparatively, it's not THAT bad. Incidentally, one of those cinderblocks was still in the storage closet under the stairs. I did not bother donating that particular item.

un-pwnt.

How to succeed in the corporate world / a blog I wrote when I should have been working
*edited as it's previous incarnation was not kid friendly and was spaced poorly.*

Having subdued my baser instincts and not killed my aforementioned neighbors, due mostly to my inability to harness the power of mind bullets, (That's telekinesis, Kyle) I've directed my attentions back toDragon Age: Origins.

However – since I'm taking my sweet time playing that game because of all the free time I *don't* have – I've instead chosen to compile for you a few tips from my forthcoming book that's sure to be a bestseller (coming soon to a bookstore near you!)"How to slack off and still look really,reallysuper Busy!" although to be fair, in Europe and parts of Canada for no real reason, I've decided to give it a regional title of "Chameleon Slacker : America's Favorite Superhero"

Here I come to save the... ZZZzzzzz

#1)Coffee. You must never be without it. Like a towel in The Hitchhikers Guide, this is your go to defense and, in some extreme cases, offense. For it is an excellent weapon in a pinch. Caught wandering aimlessly? You're just going to get some coffee. Caught staring into space? The coffee was hot and you needed to wait for it to cool down. Need to get out of a meeting? Go make a fresh pot of coffee, which not only excuses you from at least the first part of the meeting, but also your co-workers will see you as a hero, and worship accordingly.

apply to face and flee!

#2)Doing actual work. Now I know what you're thinking… "Madness! That is the exact opposite of slacking! You've lost your mind! I've been scammed! I demand money back!" Hear me out, dear reader. I'm not saying do ALL your work – now THAT would be madness. No, this is your failsafe. A security net, and the backbone of looking super busy! By simply doing a fraction of your actual work, then leaving it on your screen or on your desk, you have now created the illusion of productivity. Tada! Using this in tandem with #1 will further enhance this method, at which point opening and closing various spreadsheets, and rearranging papers on your desk is all that is necessary to maintain this illusion. However it should be noted that it will begin to weaken after a period of time at which point is highly recommended to add a bit more completion to your work load for the day. You are still doing minimal amounts of labor, thus extending your leisure. Give a little, take a lot. Now yer 'Amur-cuhn!' **** yeah.

pictured: **** yeah.

#3)Internet Tabs. This one is a no brainer to anyone who makes any use of the internet in pretty much any form. Keep all your favorite sites open, with one business-y looking/related site, minimize on that tab – and presto! Gamespot, Gmail, and Facebook are incognito! As an aside, it's probably a good idea to keep a separate window open with ALL business related sites on each tab. Once again, this gives the illusion of productivity, and makes a great "screen saver" while you're up getting coffee. Again, the effect can be enhanced with spreadsheets and randomly rearranging various papers on your desk.

busy busy busy! ........where is that three of hearts!?

#4)Have strong opinions. Nothing says "I know exactly what is going on" like saying "I knowexactlywhat is going on!" Particularly when spoken with an air of implied authority. Also, if you happen to say this with a cup of coffee in your hand, you're on your way to a sweet promotion. (most likely) Naturally, you will probably not really know, or care, about what is going on. Fortunately, neither does anyone else. The key is being able to sell your opinion like you're channeling Billy Mays selling celebrities-turned-hookers on the cheap. In short, you have to be the best b.s. artist in the land. Whoever sells best gets taken the most seriously, which consequently will force lesser employees to shy away from you in fear. This makes your illusion of productivity all the more secure! Use caution with this tactic however, you may scare away the little fish, but it brings in the sharks. Managers will now have their eye on you, not because they see promise – but because they will through this veil of lies you've wrapped yourself in. How do you think they got to be managers? They will either embrace you as one of their own, or destroy you. However, DON'T PANIC (yet) you've still got good ol' coffee at your side. Guess who else likes coffee? Managers. They wander around endlessly with their silver mugs with the company logo emblazoned on the side, refill after refill, day after day. Time to roll out the big guns:

"I'm not opinionated, I'm just always RIGHT!"

(too soon?)

#5)Small talk. Best done over coffee, (naturally) getting these higher ups to talk about something they like, be it sports, or cars, or computers, or their cat, whatever… is like a free ticket to an hour or more of day dreaming time. Zoning out while someone drones on about their hobby is something humans are particularly adept at. We subconsciously go deaf and blind, and yet the brain retains all function and gives us the appearance of being completely enthralled with whatever is being said or done. This likely goes back to the caveman days when sitting around the fire while Zog tries to talk about his recent and unsuccessful wooly mammoth hunt using a series of grunts and fist pumps. Having dutifully listened, and thus thrown them off your trail of laziness and procrastination - you may now return to your desk where you may go back to #1.

Repeat this process until you own the company.

Can you say "Mister Rogers?" Sure - I knew you could.


Hi Neighbor!

It's so nice to meet you - I can't quite express how excited I am to have a new aquaintence in my life.I think you will love living in this little community, it's very quiet and peaceful. I know I enjoy coming home after a long day of work and settling into my favorite chair for some soothing relaxation. What's that? Oh you don't have a job? Well you certainly can't blame yourself, the economy is weak and you obviously had enough to purchase the condominium next to mine so - oh I see you used money from your recent divorce from your husband. Well neighbor I'm sorry to hear that, but from lemons comes lemonade, I'm sure after some time by yourself you will recover and come out strong--- Ah, thismust beyour.. son? Boyfriend. I see. Well neighbor, I'm glad that you were able to recover so quickly and I'm sure someone new will- You've been dating since before the divorce? Goodness me, neighbor... well - I don't know your situation, and your business is your own - I am not here to judge you, neighbor. I bid you a fine evening and a peaceful respite.

--

Hi there Neighbor!

Haha, I must tell you there neighbor, you have quite the social life! I beg you to note that the palace walls are indeed thin. Your new sound system sounds fantastic though! I bet that set you back a hefty sum! It will probably take some time to pay that gadget off, eh? Oh - your alimony more than covers it I see. Well that must be great! Unfortunately, I, like so many others must work from early morning hours to the early evening. It's silly I know... living to work. How is your boyfriend? .........Which one? I wasn't aware there were multiple - I'm afraid I didn't catch his name as he brushed past us. He looked as if in his early 20's with fairly long black hair? Ah,is this your father? Your other boyfriend... You know what? perhaps it's best I stay away from this subject. Anyhow neighbor, I must be on my way - things to do you know. Have a pleasant evening!

--

Greetings Neighbor,

Some weeks ago I informed you of the thin walls between our respective residences. I know you are enjoying your new home, and I hate to be the crotchetyoldman next door... although you are in your mid 40's and I am 28... I am begging you, please, neighbor - can we come to an agreement? Please just keep the noise to a minimum late at night during the week? Our own Home Owners Association actually has a noise ordinance posted at our mail center - there's lots of information there actually, neighbor. I suggest you take a look, there are maid services, dry cleaning services, things for sale, all sorts of community postings, just something to muse over when next you check your mail! I bid you goodnight, neighbor!

--

Hello Neighbor,

Perhaps you noticed that while you were watching Transformers Revenge of the Fallen last night, I assume with your youthful boyfriend, unless your older benefactor is simply hard of hearing… that you had to keep adjusting your volume. You did?Haha, indeed - the reason for that is that you had already been watching your movie so loudly that I could hear it quite clearly myself, to the point that pictures were falling off of my wall. It was like I was there. I wished to return the favor by turning up MY sound system - which you probably noticed can go quite a bit louder than yours, I'm sure you're suprised to discover this but you wouldn't have ever known had I not tried to make the point that I. Can. HEAR. EVERYTHING. YOU. DO. Demonstrated by the fact that you too can hear everything I do, should I be careless enough to raise my voice to something more appropriate for a public sporting event, or my music to something more appropriate for an angst ridden teen that ran away from home and is now living in a shed in the woods behind his house. Pouting. Haha, but I digress. Farewell neighbor.

--

Good evening Neighbor!

What a suprise I should run into you! How am I doing? Well, to be honest I'm quite tired - it seems to me that you did not quite take to heart the information imparted when last we spoke. In the months since you moved in, I have actually lost quite a bit of sleep, you see. Not all your fault of course - I am by nature a very light sleeper, so I am easily awoken by the sounds of explosions from action movies,or tremors caused by endless salsa music and large groups of people speaking very, very loudly in a futile attempt to speak over the music. What's that? Oh of course I'm not blaming you for my slipping work performance, how could I, a simple being, every accuse you, a cultured and finely aged debutanteof sucha faux pas. You, beingfar more sophisticated than I,are quite incapable of such an atrocity, ofthat I am sure. I am out of line, it must betheexhaustion.I pray you will forgive me in time.So long, neighbor… I go now to drown in my shame.

--

Hi Neighbor,

What a suprise to hear from you! To what do I owe this monumental occasion? A security guard? I am shocked. SHOCKED, madam! Surelyyour constant noisehas not attracted the attentions of an onsite authority figure? *GASP* Do you mean to insinuate that *I*, a lowly being, having naught but a sophomoric grasp of language and a crude idea of proper manner would contact and send such a beast!? Well, I just don't know what to say. I am saddened and bewildered by your accusations, but I understand why you must think this way - for how could you bring such doom upon yourself simply by playing your music so loudly at the very reasonable hour of 4 in the morning. Alas, the best advice I can give is to perhaps curtail your listening and viewing habits to a quieter level that no one will know. I am sorry I cannot be of further help to you, but I wish you the best. I must be off to work now, for it is now seven in the morning. I trust you will enjoy the rest of your party without the looming presence of someone trying to sleep nearby. Good day to you, Neighbor.

--

Why hello again, dear neighbor, what can I do for you this fine.... morning. At 3am? Policemen you say? HERE?Oh my! Why for have they come?Noisepollution? Disturbing the peace!?Surely not! Why as I told you when you moved in,this is a veryquiet and peaceful community!Do they mean to imply that this has changed since then!? I, kind neighbor,standaghast at these accusations. Oh I see,you again think it was I who called these ruffians to your door?Certainly you don't believe I could use a device as complicated as a phone?Haha!A phone! Indeed! Oh you wish to contact the owner of my condominium? He will not be pleased to be contacted at this hour, but I can see you will not budge on this point. Please allow me to write the number down for you.... There you are, dear neighbor. I do hope that this can be resolved to your liking. Icertainly do not wish you to think ill of me for disturbing your constant partying.In fact, I implore you - call this man post haste! For he isa man of high calibur and intelligence. He will not stand for this outrage that I have brought on you. I will stand here and take my punishment, even if it means I must leave this place that I have called my home for so long. The crushing depression should please you as you observe it's effect wash over me like a cold tide on a chilly winter eve.

*Seconds later....* Excuse me neighbor, my phone is ringing. It would be quite rude not to answer it at such an hour, for surely any matter that requires a phone call at 3am is a pressing one!



Hey b****, guess what? I ****ing own this place and I'm not going anywhere. You've played your crappy music LOUDLY almost every night for the last 4 months. I stayed quiet in the beginning, I politely informed you that it was disturbing me, I tried to reason with you, asking youto relegate your louderget togethers to the weekend -I pointed you to the neighborhood ordinances,andasked you once more after that.I even called security to try to get to you shut the **** up, and - while I *didn't* call the police, SOMEONE sure as hell did, so that means I'm not the only one you're pissing off. Oh, andanother thing, tell whichever boyfriend of yours that makes all the noise when you two are ****ing that he sounds ridiculous. Like a ghost from scooby doo or a cheap halloween sound effect cd. Finally, I have one last piece of advice: Shut up and **** OFF, neighbor. *click*

*doorslam*

blissful silence.