Okay, I mentioned that someone ripped me off by creating the series Valentine, but one only needs to be a fan of Greek Mythology to see a decent TV-Series where the former gods are impersonating mortals in the present. However, this one hits a bit closer to home, after the movie House of Wax came out, I kind of wrote a follow-up short-story with CSIs to the scene cataloguing the bodies there, and I'll be danged if CSI the series didn't jump on that idea last Thursday. I'm serious, where does a struggling writer go to complain when his ideas are being ripped off...

I recently was lucky enough to find a copy of the 1958 cult classic Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman on DVD, which to me is a miracle, because when it comes to DVD, new movies and even classic TV series seem to dominate over rarely seen movies that have not been seen in over twenty years. Here's a list of just a few of the movies I'm still waiting to see released on DVD:

The Bermuda Depths (1978) - the first movie ever made by Connie Selleca, aka "the turtle movie with the girl of the glowing eyes." The movie is sort of a cult favorite; fans have been demanding it on DVD for years

Curse of the Black Widow (1977) - sort of a "Night Stalker" knock-off starring Donna Mills as a girl who turns into a giant spider who mates and kills

Thirty Foot Bride of Candy Rock (1959) - the only movie Lou Costello made without Bud Abbott, Dorothy Provine is a hoot emoting Allison Hayes

The Jayne Mansfield Story (1980) - Loni Anderson and Arnold Schwarzeneggar as the parents of Mariska Hargitay who could do the DVD Commentary if this ever finally reaches DVD

Ghost of Flight 401 (1978) - Ernest Borgnine stars in this movie loosely based on the true accounts of a tale that became an urban legend

The Legend of Lizzie Borden (1975) - Elizabeth Montgomery starred in this rarely seen movie on the New england spinster exonerated on the murders of her father and step-mother

The Art of Love (1965) - Dick Van Dyke and James Garner star in the romantic dark comedy directed by Carl Reiner

Village of the Giants (1963) - the teenage progeny of several big stars starred in this goofy fantasy filmed on the modern Ghost Whisperer sets

Desire (1982) TV-vampire thriller starring David Naughton from An American Werewolf In London and Barbera Stock from Spenser For Hire

Transylvania Twist (1989) - the very first horror spoof made starring homages to every horror movie ever made plus includes the last film footage filmed of Boris Karloff

I've often said, that if anyone were trully telepathic and could look inside my head that it would look like a TV flipping channels. Between endless episodes of The Benny Hill Show, The Munsters, Hogan's Heroes, Bewitched and others, I'm often imagining....

1. Dark Shadows - Now into its thirty-third season and still most of the prime cast, the series includes the children of the characters all grown up now. Current storyline involves Angelique's daughter Sara (Sara Michelle Gellar, the third actress in the role)

2. Eight Simple Rules - In this version, Bridget (Kaley Cuoco) only pretends to be stupid as she hides a life as a costumed crimefighter (that's "superhero" for you chronicly comic deprived) while Kerry (Amy Davidson) struggles to bust her identity

3. Grounded For Life - In this version, Lily Finnerty (Lynsey Bartilson) conceals a life of mysticism and witchcraft from her parents as she builds a fortune she hides from them

4. According To Jim - In this version, I play Jim married to Cheryl (Courtney Thorne Smith) and I'm not a contractor but a writer and paranormal researcher

5. The Beverly Hillbillies - Picks up where the series left off with Jeff Foxworthy as Jed, Ashton Kitcher as Jethro, Mila Kunis as Elly Mae and Kelsey Grammer as Drysdale

6. Britney - Britney Spears plays the demi-god great-granddaughter of a daughter of Aphrodite and lives on Earth using her godly powers as a costumed crimefighter (again, that's "superhero" for you chronicly comic deprived). The first season ended with her nemesis played by Lindsay Lohan, a daughter of Poseidon, releasing her cousin, played by Christina Aguilera from the Underworld.

7. The Suite Life - My version focuses more adventures around Maddie (Ashley Tisdale) and how she percieves London (Brenda Song)

8. Haunted Lives - Melissa Joan Hart hosts this series visiting haunted locations and often joined by TAPS, Patrick Burns and Yvette Fielding

9. Montana Jones - Montana Jones (Renee O'Connor) travels the world battling ghosts to collect artifacts and treasure in this series that combines Indiana Jones, Lara Croft and National Treasure

10. Immortal - Roy Dotrice plays Zeus masquerading as a mortal man posing as the patriarch of a wealthy American family in Olympia, Washington - actually the Olympian gods living on Earth - think of it as the mythological version of Dynasty

I just recieved the new fall preview issue, and all I can say is it looks like the weakest season yet. I'm pretty much just looking forward to my shows coming back. Anyway, here's my yearly review:

Shows Worth Looking Into
Gary Unmarried, Worst Week

Shows I'm Really Going To Miss
According to Jim, Bionic Woman, Saving Grace, Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Hannah Montana

Shows Looking Forward To Returning
Lost, Army Wives, CSI, Ghost Whisperer, Bones, Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Ghost Hunters, Smallville, Monster Quest, Most Haunted

Shows I Can't Believe They're Back
Family Guy, Cory in the House, King of the Hill, Till Death

Shows I Can't Believe They Ruined With An Extra Host
American Idol

In a previous blog, I listed the TV Series that make me laugh, as a sort of sequel, I list a few of the moments that made me laugh:

Hogan's Heroes - Burkhalter and company curse the US Air Force as Klink fiddles the USAF theme ignorant of their arrival. Hogan's quip is priceless

Big Bang Theory - Rajesh wanders off silently alone intimidated by a girl then quietly wanders back into the background to take an ad off a bulletin board for help talking to girls

Arrested Developement - Any of Michael's strained looks over the confused complacency of his vacuous family

Eight Simple Rules/Married with Children - Any of Bridget's/Kelly's strained efforts to form a coherent thought

Drew Carey Show - Wick asking for a demonstration of Drew's "shrinking machine" upon sight of a giant Buzz Beer bottle and mini-Mimi

Married With Children - Al and Jefferson's efforts to be macho blowing up in their faces

Beverly Hillbilles - Granny "rassling" the Boston Strong Girl

The Benny Hill Show - Benny's scared/worried looks of the oddball events and occurences in his world

CSI - Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman looking over Nick's shoulder as an experiment results in an explosion.

1. Horror Movie Stars (Christopher Lee is the only one still alive...)

2. Comedy Teams (like Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello....)

3. Sitcom Theme Songs

4. End Credits That I Can Read

5. Classic TV Reruns

6. Made for TV Movies (Once in a while, a good one popped up....)

7. Short On-Coming Features Before the Movies at the Theaters (they've got commercials now!)

8. Regular TV Seasons (I have to wait till January for Lost and American Idol?)

9. Reality-free TV

10. Decent Cable Rates (If I'm paying $60 a month, internet, phone service, a cell phone and a personal assistant better come with it!)

A while back, I tried to start a few fake Hollywood rumors mixed in with some real ones. I am now here to do it again:

Paris Hilton is moving to Eithiopeia in order to discover their secret for losing weight

The 2008 season of CSI will include a Bones crossover.

Hugh Jackman is in talks to star in a big budget version of Hogan's Heroes that will focus more on action but remain faithful to the series

Melissa Joan Hart is planning to jump start her career by appearing in Playboy

Britney Spears is getting her own TV series playing a struggling pop star with Teri Polo as her mother

Jason Bateman and his co-stars will be returning in a big budget Arrested Development movie with popular celebs playing the extended Bluth and Funke family

Clint Eastwood is the illegitimate son of Stan Laurel

David Lettermen is retiring from late-night; his chosen successor: Jerry Seinfeld

Owen Wilson is starring in a big budget Greatest American Hero movie with Mitch Pileggi as the FBI Agent

Everytime Lost stars a new season, a Hawaiian shaman has to exorcise the area they will be filming

Brendan Fraser turned down the Nicolas Cage role in National Treasure

Kelly Clarkson has an identical twin brother who fills in for her when she can't make appearances

Michelle Ryan was paid a huge settlement to walk away from The Bionic Woman so NBC could cancel it

Justin Guarini has given up his singing career for comedy and acting

Simon Cowell is the illegimate child of Benny Hill

The High Cardinals of the Vatican tape every episode of Saving Grace

Zac Efron got his start acting in Pampers commercials

Billy Ray Cyrus has a secret dream of doing Opera

Shannen Doherty is returning to TV in a horror series developed by Sam Raimi

An upcoming Star Trek movie will have buried references to both the Stargate and Battlestar Galactica TV series

Cole and Dylan Sprouse saved the hotel set from The Suite Life of Zach and Cody when it was cancelled to have a real hotel built around it.

Has anyone ever really noticed of how lower class people are depicted or not depicted in TV and the movies? Have you ever noticed that no one on TV has a home that looks real or a realistic job? I mean, Roseanne in the Eighties came close to a family struggling to get by, "Should we get brakes for the car or DJ to the dentist?" but they still managed to live in a house with a second story to it and a basement. If you look at the rest of TV, every other family is talking about "belt tightening" and "cutting back," but they still manage to live in mansion-sized homes and bring home groceries on a weekly basis. Why can't we see a TV series in a real neighborhood: no second story homes on the block, a crawlspace under the floor, no garage, the laundry room is off the car port, the house is scattered with toys and dust in crevices, dad doesn't work in an office or company nor owns his business and mom and the neighborhood ladies balance jobs and favors with each other transporting each others kids for extra cash. I noticed this first in the Scream movies as Ghostface had plenty of places of hide and jump out from because his victims lived in huge homes with myriad halls. My Lord, in my neighborhood, his choice would be the bathroom that hasn't been cleaned correctly in over a year or the closet stuffed with junk or pushing all the boxes out from under the bed or risking the thick insulation of the attic. Trust me, no one is going to see any real homes on Army Wives, Ghost Whisperer or Desperate Housewives, but more on Wife Swap and maybe on Ghost Hunters.

I was watching this show on TruTV called "America's Dumbest Criminals" where celebs like Todd Bridges, Tonya Harding and Danny Bonaduce riff and remark on wierdos in crime footage. There's some weird people out there, and I got to thinking, what sort of things do cops say when they pull over celebrities, and it got me into my current blog:

Said to Mark Hamill: "You know this isn't a land speeder, right?"

Said to Dominic Monaghan: "You know we move slower here off the island, right?"

Said to Reese Witherspoon: "For America's sweetheart, you sure have a foul mouth!"

Said to Adam Savage: "So, what kind of myth are you busting now?"

Said to Lindsay Lohan: "Can you pull your sweater back on, ma'am?"

Said to Eric Estrada: "Didn't learn anything playing Ponch all those years, huh?"

Said to Charlie Sheen: "No, sir, I don't need a beer, and I don't think you do either!"

Said to William Shatner: "We prefer much less than warp speed here, sir."

Said To George Eads: "Just because you play a cop on TV doesn't give you the right to drive like one."

Said to Paris Hilton: "Oh-no, you again!!"

Has anyone ever noticed that ever generation, we had a TV father that almost everyone looked up to or wanted as their father? During the 50s, it was Robert Young on Father Knows Best, and during the 60s, we had kids looking forward to the advice of Ward Cleaver. In the 70s, we all wanted Mike and Carol Brady as parents and then Howard and Marion Cunningham for the 80s. In the 90s, Cliff Huxtable was the lenient father we liked, but who should be the father for the Millenium? Bill Engvall from The Bill Engvall Show on TBS or Robby Ray with the pop star daughter on Disney Channel. Personally, I think I'm going to forever look back on Andy Taylor, Herman Munster and Rob Petrie