No, I lied. This blog is about me again. :|

Cheer up... after all, most, if not all, of my blog entries are about me. :|

Let's begin talking about me. >>

Tomorrow signals the start of the new semester in school, and it looks like my schedule is packed even tighter now - school ends at either 5 or 6pm every week day. And I'm supposed to take up another co-curricular activity- so much for free time.

Before the holidays started, I already had a long to-do list waiting to be cleared - consisting mostly of completing games, programming and studying. Unfortunately, I didn't quite finish what I set out to do at all - not even 50% in my opinion... >>

Let's see why:

Gaming Goals:

• Complete Command & Conquer 3 - DONE
• Complete Supreme Commander - DONE
• Complete Starcraft - DONE
• Complete Starcraft: Brood War - DONE
• Complete Diablo (including Spawn) - DONE
• Complete Neverwinter Nights 2 - INCOMPLETE
• Complete Bioshock - INCOMPLETE
• Complete Half Life 2 Episode 1 - DONE
• Complete Half Life 2 Episode 2 - NOT EVEN STARTED!
• Complete Portal - DONE
• Complete World in Conflict - NOT EVEN STARTED
• Complete Ninja Gaiden Sigma- INCOMPLETE

Programming Goals

• Update all programming tools - DONE
• Complete website design - DONE
• Complete website structure plans- DONE
• Complete website authentication system- DONE
• Complete website polling system - NOT EVEN STARTED
• Complete website PM system - NOT EVEN STARTED
• Complete website administration pages - NOT EVEN STARTED

Studying Goals

• Complete studying the syllabus for the entire semester in advance - INCOMPLETE
• Complete refreshing myself with Visual Basic (I hate this language > >) - INCOMPLETE
• Complete learning Adobe Illustrator CS3 (I suck at this > >) - NOT EVEN STARTED
• Complete online assessment in advance - NOT EVEN STARTED
• Complete refreshing myself with various networking technologies - INCOMPLETE

Other Goals

• Make 5 signatures - DONE
• Make 5 drawgins - INCOMPLETE
• Make a new profile banner - NOT EVEN STARTED
• Learn 5 new songs (on guitar) - INCOMPLETE
• Compose 5 poems - INCOMPLETE
• Lose 10kg > > Don't ask - INCOMPLETE
• Rectify computer network problems - DONE
• Make new data backups - DONE
• Get handphone repaired - NOT EVEN STARTED
• Get... someone back > > - What do you think?

Ok that's enough lists for today. >>

I really didn't complete a lot of goals... > > And... I'm not posting as much in GS again... or at least in RC... for one reason > > Don't think anyone knows >>

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WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MAY BE CONSIDERED TO CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR PORTAL. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

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By the way, before I move on, does any one agree with me that the credits song for Portal is happy yet sad, full of irony and satire and contains quite a lot of subliminal messages? Go search for the lyrics if you must, I will not post them here so as not to spoil the game. Looks like I really am addicted to the song (I have listened to itfor more than ahundred times in the span of 24 hours? Maybe less?)- it's a break from my usual cl4ssical and death metal music...

But I really wonder about the messages behind the song...

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END OF SPOILERS

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Now for part 2.

I believe most of you know I have this tendency to give misleading names when it comes to blog titles... Say, for example, the 'Wall of Text', 'Episode III' and some other advertising gimmick. On the other hand, some are really direct - say 'Where are you?' and that entry concerning the bankruptcy issue. Keeping in line with that tradition, this blog will do both! :o

I have already typed quite a bit about things concerning me, so I'm done making it a misnomer. But to make it also true, well - obviously I have to write something about YOU, the reader of my blog.

Seriously, I notice that most blogs people write are about themselves (including mine) and I thought that it's time to give readers some consideration. After all - who's obliged to read, let alone comment, in one's blog? Especially if that blog is about you and not that reader thousands of miles away who has absolutely nothing to do with you in real life or not.

Let's start - I realise I don't know even the names of some people here - sure of course I remember Justin, Craig, Andi, David, etc. But some posters - even regular ones - I don't know a thing about them other than 1) usernames, 2) if they post in OT. :|

I think it's time to change that. I shouldn't be so self-centered - I should get to know my blog readers and friends - of course not only by name :| But any information they'd like to share... Say for instance, their likes and dislikes, location (I messed up the states of a lot of people > >)... habits... anything to do with them. If you want, you can think of it as a re-introduction... a more in depth one?

If you're really clueless as what to share... well, here are some suggestions:

• Name
• Location
• Occupation
• Likes
• Dislikes
• Hobbies
• 5-10 adjectives to describe yourself?

Of course, if you'd prefer to keep certain information private - I respect that decision. :) But I do hope to know you people better...

Go ahead, what are you waiting for? :P

EDIT: Please tell me if I haven't been commenting in your blog... apparently quite a few of your blogs don't show up in my updates... I apologise if I've missed them

The sirens are wailing. The sirens are wailing. The sirens are wailing. The sirens are wailing. The sirens are gone. The skies darken. A gargantuan mass looms not far. A mass of twisted metal, blackened and scarred by erosion of blade and bone. Deep bellows drown the screams and shattering glass. Heaving structures bow at its arrival. Yellow ash. Then, descending from the craft gliding as a dove does land, a heavily armored figure sets foot on the cobble paved road. It faces the direct end of the road and gazes at the surroundings without turning its head, swirling mist forming around the gold plates engraved so dear with fine long strokes indicating its history. Like a hero cast in stone. 'Burn it,' a deep tone sounds off the cast metal. Cylindrical pylons at the craft's sides rotate slowly as the shifting gears moan their work, with the occasional one screaming from the torture of both weight and heat – the leaping flames boast the temperature of suns and threaten with death who dares challenge them. Ravenous for more fuel and about to engulf the place, but they were stopped. 'Someone is here.' Immediately a figure emerges from the haze, landing on knee and foot as the earth beneath splits from the pressure. It rises, revealing its slender silhouette. 'Leave. You have no business here.' It reveals a glistening line of silver, half tucked in a sheath hidden by its cloak. 'You know It no longer exists. You bond yourself to nothing.' 'Leave. Now.' 'You know It was toppled and taken down, never to rise again.' 'It is none of your concern. If you want to keep that chest of gold, you had better return to where you come from.' 'You tempt Artemis' judgment?' In an instant the silver now glistens against the gold, the pure against the royal. 'No one courts Neveron's Guard.' Black wisps leak through gaps in the armor. A stroke lightens and emits a pulse of light. The craft disappears, as does the figure. The street is as it was before.

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Review For those who are are wondering what this has to do with the 'something I have been hoping to find out' for just about the entire week, it really helps if you analyse somewhat and don't simply read the passage as it is :P But if you really can't bring yourself to it - there's a spoiler.

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SPOILER

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Q: First thing, the sirens. Why is the same line repeated multiple times? A: If you have heard those war sirens before, you shoul know they usually wail in high and low pitches alternately (or at least they do over here). But still the sound is continuous. The main reason why it's repeated is to signify that people have had multiple warnings to evacuate before the craft came. Q: What on earth is that strange craft? It makes no sense having a giant and damaged piece of metal floating? A: In terms of the story, it's a warship - I think most of us got that. But look a level beyond - the scars signify the casualties wars have caused and the razed territories, while the fact that it is still up and flying allures to how wars do not stop despite the heavy losses sustained. Q: The figure coming down from the craft - you called 'it' an 'it' but not a him or her? What's with the fancy set of armor? A: I'm sure you know they often say war takes away conscience and the humanity in people. Same thing applies here. The armor basically is part of a theme - it shows that this character is of esteemed background. 'A hero cast in stone' - the 'armor' weighs the figure down... again look one level further - the antics and customs of royalty and the like are restrictive. It can also be interpreted as to show the lack of emotion in the character. Q: Okay I get those. But how do those pylons house such flames? You said the temperature of the SUN, you know. A: Technology. Notice the difference between the high-tech craft and the not-so-modern armor? Compare that to the real world - military research tends to be focussed much more on (albeit usually in secrecy) and during war you notice a stark contrast between the technology of war machinery and the technology present in civilians' lives. The temperatures and flames reflect the strong desire to conquer more. Q: The other character looks like a loser. A simple cloak and a silver sword? Hahahahaha! A: That's not a question. > > Basically represents the humble. Gold is favored compared to silver and people flaunt their assets - like in the passage the first character boasts its golden armor. It also emerges from the haze and has a 'slender silhouette' - meaning it usually isn't noticed at all. Think about that in real life. Q: What are they talking about? I don't understand? A: That will be revealed in another episode ;) Q: Huh? What happened in the end? A: The first character is not of the flesh - the black wisps can be thought of as its blood. Wisps aren't corporeal - compare that to how people who boast power tend to be unable to backup their arrogance. There are 'gaps in the armor' - gaps in what people say? And it dies - killed by the other character. Just in case you haven't realised. Q: What about the pulse of light? A: With respect to the story, it is basically a distress signal. Notice that nothing was mentioned about the craft retrieving the body or helping the character? In real life, typically two things can happen to those wielding power when they pass away. One, they leave behind a legacy and are mourned. Two, people do not care at all. The dead figure apparently did not have the support of its kind when it was attacked... and killed. Q: How come things return to normal? A: What is 'normal'? In the context of the passage, you can say that fights and deaths are common in the event of war - although most of the time no one notices unless it's a huge scale battle or some important people are involved. Again, the same thing applies to this short prose. It suggests that things are always happening around us, but we fail to notice them. And even if we do notice them, we may end up completely forgetting.

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END OF SPOILER

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Just curious, should I write more of this?

It has been about one month since I returned to GameSpot... and after some posting both in the forums and in blogs for the first few days... I realised I completely forgot about a lot of people... (Sorry really :() Add that to a lot of regulars (when I was still around in the beginning of the year) having disappeared and a lot of new users... > > Well... on the bright side, in 1 month I've managed to remember everyone again :) (although unfortunately that includes some people whose blogs I won't be commenting in as... well you know my policy > >) And say... a lot of people have changed, some for the better, some unfortunately for the other way round... I'm guessing most of these changes are due to changes in people's individual lives - again some are doing better than others. Then I'm also reminded of the few UCBs and external forums I'm members of... quite a few of which I was/am a moderator... and I really find it well... awkward > > Awkward in the sense I haven't posted in these boards for months... and for those in which I hold positions... it's like I don't deserve it > > If you get what I mean... In any case... I apologise for the inconvenience and trouble caused... And... one last thing. I noted a lot of regular blog commenters disappeared entirely... regular as in... not for my blog... but for others' as well. Sure, some of them have left GameSpot... but quite a few still post... so I'm wondering... Where are you?

Alright... I got my results for the current semester. [spoiler] Personal Development - A Computer Organization & System - Distinction Digital Media Design - Distinction Object-Oriented Programming - Distinction Database Fundamentals - Distinction Computing Mathematics | - Distinction Communication Skills I - Distinction Object-Oriented Programming Project - A [/spoiler] Hope I'm not seen as bragging about my results... > > In all seriousness, right now I'm in a fix on how to get my classmates to relax about their results... which aren't exactly what they hoped for. I believe some of you know I have Asperger's - that already makes it harder for me to comfort them without seeming offensive and arrogant... In fact right now I tend to avoid speaking to most of them for the fear of giving them the impression of either... or even worse - both. I myself find it hard most of the time to 'feel' with or for people... or when I do feel... I find it hard to convey it. Say for example if a friend is having his birthday - do I just say 'Happy Birthday! :D ^ ^' and stuff like that? To me it seems very... common and shallow - well if the other party feels it - good, but if it comes across as one of those 'congratulating for the sake of congratulating' messages - what's the point in it? In that case - maybe you're better off not even wishing a thing. The same goes for others' misfortunes. If something not so nice happens to someone - I often find myself in a quandary how to help them out... or console them or whatever. I say, in the end it comes up to how much you can phrase your words in ways that will be interpreted as intended. But sometimes, that is hard too. One example: Your classmate seems to be struggling in homework. Do you offer your help? Given that if you do, there's a chance he rejects it and says that you're being arrogant - belittling him as though he is helpless and can't help himself. If you don't, there's a chance he ends up saying you're selfish for not offering your help and simply watching as he struggles by himself. What would you do? Note: that situation has happened to me before... and yes I've done both and got both results. Tell me - what am I to do? > > Thanks a lot.

Alright... Looks like GameSpot isn't doing the slightest bit of coverage with regards to the ongoing GCA (Games Convention Asia) in Singapore this year. For those of you in Singapore, admission is FREE and it's great - do spare the time during this weekend to go check out the various games they have out on show there. For those of you elsewhere... well, I've decided to do a little report on the event.

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WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS A LOT OF PHOTOS (SO IT MAY AND WILL TAKE A RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME TO LOAD AND POSSIBLY GAME SPOILERS. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK

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Also, I apologise for the poor image quality - the first time I'm using a camera... and the camera in this case is the one in my phone, which is a mealsy 2.0 megapixel one. :( Without further ado, let's begin on the GCA itself. This event, as I expected, is not as huge as other conventions like E3, GDC Lepzig, TGS and PAX. However, it still has a sizeable amount of exhibitors (slightly over 50 I believe), with some of the big names you'd expect, for example EA and Blizzard. Most of the other exhibitors were local and/or regional firms promoting their various games (there are a LOT of Southeast Asian MMOs around, like Maple Story and Audition). There're freebies (although not much in my opinion) which comprise mainly of posters and brochures, although Asiasoft provides discs of their already F2P MMO games as well. Be advised though that the queue for the latter gets ridiculously long - do go early if you do not wish to wait for an hour or more. Completion of some 'quests' in the convention also allows you to receive another goody bag from Razer. The first booth we saw was... the EA booth, and they had quite a number of titles to show including playable demos of The Sims 2 Bon Voyage, SimCity Societies, NBA Live 08, FIFA Online, FIFA 08, Need For Speed ProStreet and the surprise Crysis! :D The EA booth Playable X360 version of Mercs 2 World In Flames... It seems like the game is bugged? The player was moving extremely fast at times... Demos of EA's FIFA and NBA games were around and popular. NHL and NFL are more or less unheard of, or unpopular at best here, thus their absence in the GCA (and usually in shops too). The EA guys were kind enough to provide us a 2 v 2 match against them in FIFA (a Korean build too apparently) and we won 3-2 using Manchester United. They chose Brazil. Warhammer Online... To be honest the game was hard to get into - movement was only allowed via the WSAD and arrow keys and I couldn't even get my character to attack a hostile enemy. :( Maybe I should've checked some in-game help... but I was not really into the game anyway. Say what are those two consoles? Seem familiar? :P Right, Nintendo was showing off their legacy consoles in addition to the Wii and various Wii games - however the Wii doesn't seem to be doing well locally. The DS Lite, however, remains the biggest seller (as a console) here... Posters describing the various Nintendo consoles... (They even had posters of famous franchises like Mario, Donkey Kong and of course Link from the Legend of Zelda series) Interestingly... my very own school (Nanyang Polytechnic) developed some game as well - a racing one to be exact. Sure the graphics weren't that good, but the sound effects, vibration and even smoke effects were great! (Yes you get actual smoke coming out from below the seat when you brake suddenly or drift.) My friends tried it - and it was fun alright, although handling was said to be rather difficult. Tournaments... tournaments... and even more tournaments... Games from Quake 4, DOA, Counter-Strike: Source, DotA (a popular Warcraft 3 mod), PGR3 and more. Speaking of which, there was a contest for anyone to take on Singapore's top Quake 4 player in a deathmatch with winning conditions being 15 kills. Unfortunately only one person managed to kill him once the entire day - other than that he had 0 deaths - looks like no one's taking home the Razer Death Adder, Tarantula and Mantis prizes. :( Playing Project Gotham Racing (PGR) 3 on the X360 The Quake 4 Contest described earlier. The pictured player is RocketBoy, or the person contestants are supposed to beat (just for 1 round) to claim the prizes. Colin McRae DiRT - Doesn't look that impressive in real life I would say. The Blizzard booth was interestingly empty although the area rented was considerably large. The only things on show were old TBC trailers and a couple of cosplayers (they were playing some elven mages I believe). This came as a surprise - I think I may have missed something here. The Sony booth was the biggest in the convention - but also the least crowded. Most of the games shown are old releases such as Tekken 5. They have good deals on the PS2, PS3 and PSP though - S$799 for a PS3 and 1 game or S$865 for a PS3 and 2 games. There's also a couple of PS2 and PSP bundles with prices around S$250. Do visit this booth if you're interested in getting any of the Sony platforms. Lair... Visually stunning... but, as many reviews have toted, extremely fustrating controls. The most I saw anyone last playing it was about 10 to 15 minutes - that should give you a clue on how bad that is. AMD (yes don't ask me what the CPU manufacturer is doing in a gaming convention) had a booth too, tied together with Gigabyte showing off their latest products. The machines were running GRAW2 (or so I am led to believe). However, it is interesting to note that it seems they intentionally covered/removed hardware details on the various hardware components in their rigs (the cases were made of transparent plastic). Furthermore, there were playable demos of Guitar Hero II as well - guess they're trying to promote that game here (it's quite hard to find it, especially those sets which come with the guitar controller). Pity there wasn't any Guitar Hero III or Rock Band... :( Now what you've all been waiting for... Crysis! Lots of images - I got to play it for about an entire hour :P Oh - and the computers there were running it at 640 * 480 minimum (all low settings)... trying to turn on maximum settings would crash them in under 5 minutes. Despite the low settings, however, the game tended to crash often - EA employees were constantly having to attend to the 3 computers showcasing the game as the game would freeze unexpectedly every 30-45 minutes. It may be due to the hardware (oh and they were running it on Vista with DirectX 10) and I honestly hope that is the case. The screen turns red when you get hit by enemies and your visions blurs slightly... The graphics as expected, are of great quality (at low settings they're comparable to Half-Life 2's medium settings) and the enemies are intelligent. As other press releases have revealed, the game allows you to switch your suit to various uses for instance, armor and invisibility modes. The latter, however, uses up a great deal of suit energy and can't last even 10 seconds. I generally preferred to leave it to armor or in a few cases speed mode - the others were not that useful in the demonstration level. Last but not least - it is least advisable to play this game the 'charging in, guns ablazin' manner like you may do for a lot of shooters. It is almost inevitable that one of the enemy will call for a huge number of reinforcements - playing cautiously is rewarded in the game. Also, for Singaporeans, this game will be released on November 16 this year. Last but not least, there're also stage performances and the usual presence of showgirls - most of them are tied to smaller local firms though, so don't expect anything of that sort from exhibitors like Sony, Electronic Arts and Blizzard - although the employees there are friendly and approachable too.

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That pretty much sums up my experience today regarding the GCA - overall it's a rewarding experience and a great show especially being the first one in Asia (correct me on this one). :P Sure it is nowhere as large as events like TGS, but given the tight schedule of squeezing so many events in a few months and the rather abrupt announcement of this one - you will appreciate the essence that is gaming together with others yourself. :)

What's wrong with this post?

I didn't comment in any of your blogs for more than a week. I do not apologize. It does not matter if you do not comment in this blog either. Back to the topic, and in brief: I am dead spiritually. I am dead emotionally. I am dead mentally. I will be dead physically. End of this blog.

First and foremost, my apologies to all for not reading or commenting in many of your blogs in the last two weeks or so. The only reasons I can give are pretty much excuses, but in the end it's really just my preoccupation with school and my lack of interest in GameSpot. :( Maybe you people should try to get my interest level up and running again... :D

In case any of you are curious, I'm currently in a course for Multimedia and Infocomm Technology (basically a branch of IT) in Nanyang Polytechnic. In the first week, there was a lot of tension between me and the c.lass because I did not get along well with them, but things seem to have improved since. Although well, I still prefer to be alone at times.

Oh yes, while I'm still at this - it's pretty curious that you GSers are more keen in getting the c.lass contact timetable and contact information than the c.lass itself. Yeah, those on my WLM (WINDOWS LIVE MESSENGER I DO NOT WANT TO REPEAT THIS AGAIN) contact list, you know who you are. Since all those who asked were males, I guess they're looking for... 'stalkees' >>

@jake, Canuck, slinky I may have something of interest for you people...PM/IM me about it if you are curious. But there is one condition - Stop saying that I like someone here. You know who I'm referring to. > > And if I see so much as that person's name > > you can pretty much forget it > >.

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WARNING: Long read

But I think most of you already know that my blogs tend to be long - maybe you'll just read some of it... maybe you will read all - well, I don't know... but, it's up to you really.

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Now, about the title of this blog.

It is a reference to people's stands when it comes to honesty, or, simply put - lying and putting up fronts.

Everyone knows it is generally wrong to lie - but when it comes to white lies - people are divided. Some people say it's acceptable because you're not spoiling others' moods, while others argue that a white lie is a lie nonetheless and is wrong.

A few of you know I have Asperger's Syndrome... so I find it difficult to lie even if it is at the expense of the feelings of others. But, my thoughts are... why lie? You're not doing any good to yourself, and you're not doing any good to the person(s) you lie to, when they find out it's all a mask. It's probably worse if the person can tell you are lying... and it might cause relationships to get strained.

Imagine that you are in the intensive-care unit of a hospital and have been there for a number of days. You do not feel like you are recovering at all. Would you believe your family members if they say you'll be fine? Or would you rather ask for the truth - even if it means knowing that you will die? I mean, if you're going to pass, you probably want to make some arrangements or ammendments... I don't know what exactly what you will do, but you get the general idea. Furthermore, I doubt your mind will be at rest if you keep worrying if you are being told the truth - and if you do pass, you probably won't do so in peace either. Does any of that sound like what you want? Why lie then?

Now for another scenario. Imagine you have completed a piece of work - be it an essay, poem, signature, drawing, or whatever else. You are not entirely proud of it - you think you could've done better in some areas. But anyway, you still put it up somewhere for people to comment on it. Would you prefer people to all go 'wow', 'amazing', and the like? Or would you rather have their honest comments? Yeah some comments are going to be very harsh, but then, that's reality isn't it? Would you prefer a few genuine 'you could work on so and so' or numerous praises, all faux?

Some of you may face the same thing - you find yourself giving a lot of 'false comments' You probably are bugged about it by your conscience at times, but you assure yourself by saying it's the best thing you can do. My question is, is it really the best?

I've read a lot of blogs too in my entire GS life, so the above has to be true - especially when word gets to me that certain users don't get along with certain other users. I find it ironic and hypocritical that in many cases, both parties know that they dislike each other - but in blogs or threads - they are all '^_^' ':D' 'hugs' 'cookies for you' and all. In private conversations without the other party - they will be badmouthing the others and everyone will be in agreement. Maybe some agree just to be accepted - and I pity the other party who believes that that person is a friend to him/her.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you:

The true faux. Or the faux truth.

No not literally... you... literal-minded people. > > I'm not planning to commit suicide or anything like that. If you thought I was, well, be happy. >>

Rather, this title is more about "I'm killing my reputation"... but that sounds incorrect, because I don't have a name to myself anyway. What do you call it... image? Status? I think the most technically correct would be 'destroying the impression you have of me'.

But then again, for the older visitors to my blog, I've already done that a few times. Same to those closer to me (you know who you are... or do you?)

As a warning, this blog is going to be a long read. It's going to be a wall of text (and blank lines). A real wall of text this time. Really, I'm not bluffing you.

First of all, a refresher course on certain... things about me.

1. I am a misanthrope. (That means I hate humans.)
2. I have multiple personalities. (That means I lead multiple lives.)
3. I am elitist. (That means I believe people perceived to be superior should dominate over others.)
4. I am arrogant. (That means I look down on people.)
5. I am perfectionist. (That means I have zero tolerance of imperfection.)
6. I am a moral relativist. (That means I judge the morality of things relatve to context.)

Got all of that in your head?

If you have, good or you, proceed. If you haven't, then don't bother reading anymore.

Now for the hard, bizzare, and offensive part. You have been warned.

 

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Admit it. You fear Me. Your fear yourself. You hate yourself. You spend day and night wondering why all of this has happened to you. Or, in a more proactive manner, you wonder why you allowed all of this to happen to you. You wonder why you started it in the first place.

You fell for a mortal. You fell for a human. You paid the price when that person failed you. You then endarkened yourself, or so say the people who refuse admit it be enlightenment. You played with your body, you played with your heart, you played with your mind, you played with your soul. You erased everything that you used to believe in, you abandoned all the values and morals you once held so tightly.

You replaced them. Replaced them with a new set of darker, more sinister and corrupt thoughts. You reversed the positives and negatives and then re-assumed them otherwise. White becomes black becomes white becomes all irrelevant. Experimentation and tests concluded that your new mentality, your new outlook to life, was a success, relative to its own beliefs.

You looked in the mirror and were horrified at the abomination you had created. You foresaw the coming of it all, and the end result. Whatever left unscathed could not accept it. It was to be purged, cleansed and reverted to its original form.

So you sought to judge yourself. Not once, not twice, but many times. On certain occassions, you were weak and could not do it. On other occassions, your mortal weakness showed in your failure to succeed. One of those failures ended up costing you.

But that was good. It was good alright. You loved to see yourself in pain. You loved to suffer. You were determined to make it a heaven of a hell for you and those around you. Part of you wanted to stop it, part of you wanted to further it.

Then you saw opportunity. Get released, and then execute it on a mass scale. And that exactly you did. You lay low and disappeared for close to two years. And that was when you re-surfaced.

This time audacity was the key. You challenged them all to prove you wrong, and all of them failed. But it was kind of expected. They're worthless humans after all. Never will a mortal measure up to a greater being. Even if they got you, they would never get Me.

I represent the purest form of chaos, evil and hatred. I am unaffected, indifferent, to others. Like Death said, 'For what do we care for these mortals?', extend it to all forms of being. That is I. Unfazed and untouched by anything or anyone.

You planned to great details its execution. But it turned out that you got caught. There was opportunity to include the newcomers into the plan. But you didn't. You simply allowed yourself to be taken and bound again. You failed once again.

I wonder what foolishness is in human logic that they strive for things impossible to achieve. What does a battle matter if you have lost the war? I crushed the opposition. Yet you struggled to evade everything, trying to escape from reality. You attribute it to hope. But hope is simply an excuse to cling on to your desires. Hope is emotion. And emotions are ultimately negative.

That period, many ties were severed and relations strained. People started to diss you. That was what you wanted but you simply could not accept. Weakness of the will. You thought if you regretted it. Part of you did, but part of you enjoyed it.

You cannot defeat one who burns more intensely in pain, and scoffs all the more at joy. Such a quality pushes you forward, pushes you to the frontlines. It is a type professed as a godsend by some, and by others it is a source of decry.

And so time passed. Until now, you are being torn apart by yourself. It is a wonder, the extreme opposites of one's needs and wants always exist in the first place, although in the end usually one side wins. If neither wins, it is then either a state of civil war or the achievement of Ultima. But a mortal will always remain a mortal - one cannot and will never ascend by himself.

Your flesh is dying slowly but surely, and you know it. You resent it. You resent loss of yourself - loss in a particular sense that is. There are two options. You can continue waging the war within and eventually kill yourself of all sense and knowledge, in the process killing your existence. Or you can opt to let one side win. But which side will it be?

Will you regret again? Definitely. What one does not have, one will yearn for.

The juncture is where you're at again. You know you want something. You know you want someone. But at the same time, you want nothing. You want to degenerate. You want to be scoffed at, scorned at, cursed at. You want to be hated.

You cannot have both - you have to choose one. But you can't decide because you are weak. You have neither strength nor will. Face it - you're a mortal. You're just as worthless as the other scum. One to be discriminated against.

This entry will bewilder some. It will have certain effects on some people, but the most affected will be yourself. But should you care? Especially about others? Or yourself? What about mortals should be given consideration? Fear not the ones who can only take flesh or the soul, but fear instead those who can take your existence whenever they wish.

Such evil the world has not known. You have hid it from them for months - but why hide? Is it something to be ashamed of? Is it something that you are afraid of? You wanted it, didn't you? You wanted the publicity, the negativity of it all. You're so cold yet you're burning. The warmth and placid you've shown was all for the sake of yourself..

You and your fears. Your shames. Your woes. All weaknesses - weaknesses you refuse to correct. That is reason to blame yourself. A twisted thought thinks itself straight.  Fix your perception and see for yourself. And you will agree you're a mere speck of dust.

You have always known it.

Admit it.

---

That's about it for now. I don't know if it's a blessing or not if you understood. But I cannot be bothered anyway. Maybe it's time I take it out on you people.

Since this is going to be a wall of text, why are you here?

 *chases you readers away*

Alright, here comes the great wall of text which is going to be about... well, my home.

Without further ado...

Let us enter the derelict ramshackle of a place.

Turning to our left, we see... cobweb-covered and dust-coated furniture.

All of a sudden, you hear the whirr of a fan. As you turn to its direction, you are greeted by broken-down electronics. Looks like the previous occupant was an undeground hacker.

You also wonder what in the world a guitar is doing next to those strange equipment. Perhaps it's not just an ordinary guitar. But anyway, you continue left...

There's a television... but wait... something else catches your eye!

What might this bizarre looking piece of metal be? Something looking like a strange remote control is placed next to it. Heck, it's best not to play with it just in case it's a trap...

A poorly-lit room resembling a kitchen is on your right. Rags are hanging from some sticks. The rags are all torn and tattered. You try turning the tap, only to hear some squeaking and gurgling. Disgusted, you turn back to where you came from.

Whoever inhabited this room was probably the head of the group of past occupants. The bed is pretty big. 

Apparently you're at the resting place of this den. Place is crowded with 2 beds. Probably illegal immigrants, you think.

Voodoo dolls! The shelf is full of them! Minatures of all sorts of people, some of which you know are now deceased. So you've found the culprit! You open the cupboard nearby and gasp in horror as it is also filled with hundreds of them! Horrified, you leave the room.

This room looks pretty ordinary, other than the fact that it seems to have been left untouched for years... On the desk is some strange screen. You shudder.

 

On one of the shelves in the same room, you come across boxes and boxes of witchcraft-related content. There are pictures of demons and ghosts on quite a few of them. Really a bad idea to touch any of them.

 

Turning a little more to your right, you see 3 structures. They look familiar, but you don't recall any of them. Maybe this place is cursed, and its effects are building on you!

You hear the sound of approaching footsteps. Not wishing to be caught, you immediately take off, and outside the door you see only one possible path to take - the one to the road.

But suddenly, for an instant, everything goes fizzy. And then back to normal again. Probably just your imagination. 

Everything seems ghastly white and over-brightened. Guess what? You can't feel yourself now. You've become a victim youself.