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There are lots of things that I'm generally pissed off about. Like how we elected a man as our president who, even with millions of dollars, couldn't find oil in Texas, or that I'm still not convinced that its Chicken in the Chicken Chow Main. But in the reality of a world where people get mad at celebrities that don't want to have babies, I have to go off and play some games to release some stress. So it really pisses me off when I can't sit down and play a game that doesn't do something stupid that twenty thousand games before it haven't done as well. So here, for my viewing pleasure are 20 things that just piss me off about games:
1. The fact that any super secret soldier can have 15 lights on him, and still be "invisible" at night. Agreed, it looks cool, but unless the enemy isn't expecting to be attacked by a Christmas tree, I think that we can leave all of the Halogens at home.
2. The first person to come up with a game that has a mascot that jumps around on mushrooms, shoots fireballs from their mouth to rescue a princess from an evil turtle is considered "a genius" not "a possible crack addict".
3. Why is it that every soldier can carry 15 different types of guns, ammo for all of them, a PDA, a backpack, two tickets to Monday Night Football, a few keycards for doors, and still jump around like Jackie Chan? No wonder you're the hero, you can carry the entire US arsenal on your back. Hey here's a tip: Put all that crap down and just punch the daemons of hell to death.
4. In the advent of next generation games that can faithfully reproduce the snot flying off the nose of a German soldier with complete historical accuracy, why am I still playing Role-playing games where the good guys stand on one side, the bad guys stand on the other, and they take turns beating on each other? Imagine if wars were fought this way. Most of the soldiers would die of old age before they ever got to their turn.
5. From my own survey, the average mental age of an MMO player seems to be about 12 years old. I swear, if another matureless brat follows me around for half an hour telling me how great my Night Elf's "obobs" are, I'm going to test my real life PVP skills on them.
6. How long is it going to take before developers realize that movie to game adaptations, well, suck. What I would suggest is that they take all the movie to game adaptations, incase them in a hard plastic, and sell them as $45 commemorative coasters. People who liked the move (which was good) will by the coasters, and they won't feel compelled to play the game (which sucked).
7. When did the Sonic the Hedgehog game Series turn into a game Armada? In the past year there's been, I think at least 50 Sonic games released and/or re-released. Give the poor guy a break. He runs really fast, he jumps on stuff, gets missiles, spikes and all sorts of "owie"-inducing things thrown at him. Let him have a vacation where he just sits in a lawn chair, drinks margaritas, and watches Tails work his ass of taking down Dr. Robotnik.
8. Stop turning stuff into mascots for games. It is official, every noun in the known universe has been a character in a game. Mushrooms? Check. Rat? Check. Weasel? Check. A pile of poop with corn for teeth? Check. Mark my words, one day you'll be playing a game as a Vienna Sausage.
9. Rainbow Six 3. Shouldn't that be Rainbow 18?
10. Why do zombies come out of rooms that I've already been in, that are in a car on the end of a train that's moving. Where the hell are they coming from? Scotty beaming them in?
11. Criminals must be the source of Extra-dimensional travel. That's the only reason I can see being able to fit 12 behind a cash register.
12. People need to stop making "Retro gaming" out to be some sort of noble cause. First of all, its not feeding Africa. Second, the only reason you're playing Centipede instead of Halo is that the Xbox won't make long distance calls.
13. What is it with Health Packs? They're in every game now, even car games. The only reason you need to put an Ace Bandage on your car is if your a redneck and need something to hold your bumper on for your big date tonight.
14. Does anyone besides me not get Pro Wrestling games? Let me get this straight: You're a person pretending to be a character that represents a person that is pretending to be a character that pretends to fight. I hope that I'm missing something.
15. NASCAR games. Really, how many times do you have to go around the track before you realize "Hey, I could be stabbing my eyes out with hot pokers right now." Sure it'd hurt, but at least you'd have a better story for work the next morning than "I sat on my ass at home alone and drove a pretend car around a pretend track for 2 hours."
16. What the hell is a "Realistic Damage Model"? And how would you make a car game with Unrealistic Damage Models? One car hits another car and they turn into 15,000 ping-pong balls?
17. People that insist on telling me about a gaming experience. If I wanted to know how you got the Ice Sword of Gibraltar from the Holy Fire Caverns when you were only level 12 and you forgot to restock your arrows, then I'd ask you to shoot me, because I'd never ever want to know that.
18. The main character can be beaten up, thrown around, blown up, shot, and stabbed, and somehow live, yet his girlfriend can be stabbed once, and she dies instantly.
19. When after twenty minutes of playing a new game, I realize I've just been swindled out of fifty dollars by an impressive Ad campaign.
20. Every soldier in every game can pitch like Nolan Ryan. Hurtling a grenade at 30 miles per hour over 300 yards? No problem! The man shouldn't be fighting in a war, he should be pitching for the Mets.
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