I am SICK and tired of having things I would do called "creepy" or "stalkerish". Our society seems obsessed with these things. If you ask a friend for a girl's number, you can always hear someone whisper "stalker" in the background. If you add someone on msn, it's "creepy". If you think about someone alot it's freaky, creepy, scary, and so on.

I mean, what the heck? Like, are we not allowed to be interested in the opposite sex anymore, or what? What are you supposed to do, completely avoid someone and hope it somehow just works out? If you think someone will be somewhere there's nothing wrong with showing up and hoping to run into them! It's harmless I tells ya!! Watch, I'll bet you just said "stalker" under your breath! Get over it!

Ahh... the more the rejection sinks in, the easier it is to let go and go back to not being crazy.  I gotta say, this is the best I've felt since February 11th! 

p.s.  I suppose one might now ask, "what in the HELL happened to you on the 12th!?"

I KNOW you're the one that put snakes in my house.

Epiphanies for all! Ok, here's how it works, at least in my mind. I have this image in my mind of the PERFECT girl for me, and when I think I find that person in the real world, I go nuts. The truth is, she doesn't exist in the real world. I am simply looking for a girl that fits the description best, but that girl that I always think of, and dream of, isn't real, she's an abstract concept, she's like a perfect circle.

I just thought that was a sobering thought.

The Revolution launch is going to kick butt! Look at the 360's launch games, they had no killer ap; no Halo, no Metal Gear, no Mario, no Zelda, no Half Life 3 or what have you...nothing, except PDZ and Kameo (which aren't exactly killer aps). Now look at the Rev's probable key launch games: Mario 128, Smash Bros., and Metroid Prime 3!! Any one of those could easily be a killer ap for a Nintendo console's Christmas season, but we are going to have all three of them as launch games at once! It is going to be nuts!

Add to that the hype of Revolution compatibility with the new Zelda, plus the Virtual Console, free online play, 3rd party games, and a cheap price, and what you've got is Microsoft and Sony licking Nintendo's balls....BOTH of them!

p.s. and let's not forget that revolutionary controller!

I am depressed about liking a girl that is just unattainable.  However, even though it feels like no one understands how I feel, the more I talk to people about this kind of thing, the more I learn that everyone knows how I feel.  I, we, are not alone in regards to being afraid of being alone.

Let's start by trying to find doubts, and question reality...

If I am wrong about reality sometimes, maybe I am wrong all the time. But no, even if I think I see something, I can always check and correct myself, I couldn't be wrong all the time.

Maybe it's like I'm in a dream...no, even in dreams, some things are always true, for example, I am always in the dream, and two and two still make four, so those things are still true.

Ah ha! I've got it. Maybe I'm a brain floating in a jar and there's a mad scientist sending electrical signals into my brain, making me think I am seeing this and feeling things that I'm not. Suppose he is confusing me about everything, even the simplest truths that I believe. Suppose everything I think, including 2+2=4, is false, since I am being fooled by this evil sorceror / mad scientist and being made to think it's true when it isn't.

Let's try and get out of this hell now...

To find what's real, lets throw away anything we're not sure of, and make a clean, fresh foundation to build correct beliefs on. I don't know for sure that I'm typing this, that I go to school, that my friends are real, etc. Lets just throw all that out. Anything that can be questioned, just forget about it. What's left? Nothing?

There is one thing left: I exist. No matter how hard I try, I can't even question it. If I think, I must be, even if I'm wrong about everything, and nothing is what it seems, and I'm all confused, at least there's a ME to be confused.

Now, I (which I can't deny exists) have the idea of "perfect" in my mind. Something greater can't come from something lesser. The idea of perfect certainly didn't come from me since I am far from perfect, I don't even know if I'm typing this for goodness sakes! So...the idea of perfect must come from something that is perfect. So there is something out there that is perfect: all powerful, all knowing, all good, etc. The only one by definition to fit that description would be what we call "God".

So there is a God which has given me the idea of perfect, like someone putting a stamp on their creation. OK, now if he has the attributes of perfect, he must be all good. And one that is all good wouldn't allow me to be constantly confused in a hell of illusions. Therefore, the world is real. If I am wrong about some things, I can find that out and correct myself.

Ok, back to game stuff for a bit!
I am convinced that Sony is FULL of crap when it comes to this PS3 delay. I'm sick of being lied to.

I don't buy Sony's explanation for the delay at all. The final dev kits won't be out till summer, they knew all along they'd never be releasing in spring. Furthermore, they insisted up till the last minute that it was on schedule to come out this spring, knowing full well that it simply wasn't ready.

Why didn't they just say it would be available "soon" or something to keep anticipation up without technically lying? And while I'm ranting, you know where I think Kutaragi can put his 1080p-on-two-screens-simultaneously-at-120-fps!

And wipe that stupid smile off your face when you tell me blatant lies! This is just like when he compared the amount of dot products per second the PS3 could compute vs. the 360. He included both the gpu and cpu for the PS3 statistic, while only counting the cpu for the 360 statistic!!! GRR!

It has now been one whole month since all this crap began.  Since February 14th I have puked from just thinking about things, had some serious multiple personality problems (think Golem when he talks to himself), broke down (does that mean cry?) from watching video game footage, have wanted to die, have repeatedly been convinced not to leave the house by my family, you name it.

But the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up, the wind's at my back now.  I've been stressed out before, I guess what makes this particular episode special is that I've been MUCH more open about it.

I seriously have been recovering though.  This stress was inevitable, and now it's out of the way.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I am strengthened by my faith, by my loving family, and by my precious friends.  I have come out of this stronger than I went in.

I wish I could say half the crap I've been going through in this blog. Problem is it gets pretty nuts and more than a little embarassing. Needless to say I am slowly recovering, but I really hit rock bottom the other day.
But there is one thing I've learned through all this - open up to people. You have no idea how nice people are to you once they realize how much you are struggling. Everyone I know is all like "hang in there" "Im praying for you" "just take it easy buddy" all that stuff. And you'd better believe they'd give me the last pepsi if there was only one left, since afterall, I'm crazy! Why, if I don't get that pepsi I might go and take my life afterall! Here's an example of an msn convo with someone who normally doesn't give a crap about me:

jerk: sup man?
me: oh, ups and downs buddy
jerk: oh ya? busy these days huh?
me: well, to be honest, I am struggling in every area of my life, I just want to kill myself right now
former-jerk: holy s**t man! That's horrible to hear! Just hang in there old friend....maybe you should take some time off school or something...is there anything I can do to help?

That's pretty much my life right now. Don't get me wrong, I don't make crap up to get attention, I really am losing it, I'm just saying it's nice to see how people change when you open up a bit.

note- I'm not saying everyone that cares about me used to be a jerk!  Just that some people who didn't give a fiddler's fart are suddenly my best friends.