1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is, like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and
going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness
of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch
up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

* two Italian men and one Italian woman
* two French men and one French woman
* two German men and one German woman
* two Greek men and one Greek woman
* two English men and one English woman
* two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
* two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
* two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
* two American men and one American woman
* two Irish men and one Irish woman

_____________________________________

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/ convenience store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
* The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, all the sales she's missing, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The American woman, meanwhile, watches the men fart and scratch.
* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied, because at least the English aren't having any fun.

1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action.
They'll still be there when he is dead.

2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?

3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.

4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast or other location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.

5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.

6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.

7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.

8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.

9. I will wear _white_ clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as black.

10. If I can't avoid wearing black all the time, and acting wierd, I will go to bars which cater to that sort of clientele. It would make it more difficult for the hero to pick me out of the crowd.

11. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?

12. I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centiuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.

13. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.

14. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.

15. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That would goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.

16. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grows older and they will become whiny and disobedient.

17. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.

18. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.

19. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.

20. I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.

21. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his friends.

22. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.

23. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have express consent from me.

24. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.

25. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I.......am......Dra. ....cu.....la."

26. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.

27. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile.

28. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.

29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.

30. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.

31. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.

32. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.

33. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.

34. I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.

35. I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably...

36. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.

37. I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive drugs.

38. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.

39. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.

40. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teacher at the all-girls school first.

41. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.

42. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.

43. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.

44. All future concubines will be stripped searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.

45. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.

46. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.

47. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi.

47a. And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice).

48. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtably be ways to destroy me.

49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.

50. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.

51. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.

52. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.

53. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify.

54. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.

55. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.

56. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy me.

57. More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around.

58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it.

59. I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a usefull skill.

60. As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos clothing.

61. I will make lots of long term investments.

61a. With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood, or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonalds instead of bothering the hero's womenfolk.

62. While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heros.

63. As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.

64. I will not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.

65. If I find out that there is a "Vampire Slayer" living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages confered by that particular location.

66. When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs.

67. I will put on lots of makeup and fur, and howl at the moon every once in a while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably enable me to get away with a silver bullet or two.

68. I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good source of income, and I don't have to worry much about the possibility of something going wrong.

If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
If you are headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances.
If you are not big enough to lose you are too small to win.
If you are not enjoying your work, you should either change your attitude, or change your job. (Leo Tolstoy)
If you are not fired with enthusiasm, then you will be fired with enthusiasm. (Vince Lombardi)
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.
If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. (Chinese Proverb)
If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, you are all right.
If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation. (Jiddu Krishnamurti 1895-1986)
If you believe everything you read, don't read (chinese proverb)
If you came and you found a strange man teaching your kids to punch each other, or trying to sell them all kinds of products, you'd kick him right out of the house, but here you are; you come in and the TV is on, and you don't think twice about it. (Jerome Singer)
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you can keep your head while all about are losing theirs and blaming it on you - perhaps you have underestimated the seriousness of the situation.
If you can laugh with a person, you can work with a person.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying? (Shantideva)
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
If you can't be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.
If you can't control the wind, adjust your sail.
If you can't convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman)
If you can't dance, don't blame the dance floor.
If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century.
If you can't say something nice, become a reporter.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep. (Dale Carnegie)
If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles in the backside, you wouldn't be able to sit down for two weeks.
If you decide not to choose then you've already made the wrong choice!
If you depend on others to make you happy, you will be endlessly disappointed.
If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you had done it. (Ashleigh Brilliant)
If you don't have time to do it right, you must have time to do it over.
If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere. (Henry Kissinger)
If you don't know where you're going how do you expect to get there.
If you don't like something about yourself, change it. If you can't change it, accept it. (Ted Shackelford)
If you don't like the road you're walking, pave another one. (Dolly Parton)
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
If you don't love, you can't live; if you don't live, you can't love. (Jason Benson)
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
If you don't want your children to hear what you're saying, pretend you're speaking directly to them.
If you do your best, don't mind the rest. (Irish Proverb)
If you drop a white glove into the mud, the glove will get muddy but the mud will never get glovey.
If you ever need a helping hand, there is one at the end of your arm.
If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail.
If you find a four-leaf clover, it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
If you follow in others footsteps you will never leave yours behind.
If you gave me something I need more than you do, you've given me a gift; If you've given me something you need more than I do, you've gifted me with love.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
If you give 100%, God will make up the difference!
If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere. (Zig Zigler)
If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple.
But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. (George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950)
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead, and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart. (Arab proverb)
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. (Bette Davis)
If you haven't all the things that you want, be thankful for all the things that you don't have that you didn't want.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

If you have the desire, you are halfway there. (E. Crique)
If you have time to worry, you have time to pray.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
If you judge people, you will have no time to love them.
If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places. (Andrew Mason)
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you. (Winnie the Pooh)
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you love something set it free....If it comes back to you it is yours, if it doesn't than it was never meant to be.
If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.
If you only have the Word, you will dry up. If you only have the Spirit, you will blow up. But if you you have the Word and the Spirit, you will go up and grow up.
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
If you receive something that says "Send this to all your friends", please consider me not your friend.
If your vision doesn't scare you, then both your vision and your God are too small. (Brother Andrew)
If you set the example, you won't need to set many rules. (Mama Zigler)
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. (Andrew A. Rooney)
If you step in a puddle, don't blame the puddle.
If you still have the courage after loosing all , you can be rest assured that you have not lost everything.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. (Mark Twain)
If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur. ( Red Adair, when asked what his fee was for extinguishing oil well fires after the Gulf war.)
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think you are getting too much government these days, just be happy that you're not getting all you are paying for.
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito. (Bette Reeves)
If you treat a man as he is, he will remain as he is; if you treat him as he ought to be and could be, he will become as he ought to be and could be. (Goethe)
If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If you wait to have kids until you can afford them, you probably never will.
If you want a thing well done, do it yourself. (Charles Haddon Spurgeon)
If you want breakfast in bed, then start sleeping in the kitchen.
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. (Abigail Van Buren)
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody. (Chinese proverb)
If you want something done, ask someone who is busy!
If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road. (Charles Farr)
If you want to be well liked never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy. (Robert Marlowe)
If you want to play, practice.
If you want to win, practice harder.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?
And why are you waiting? (Stephen Levine)
If you will always insist that you are right, people will think that there is something wrong with you. (Melchor F. Cichon)
If you wish your merit to be known, acknowledge that of other people. (Oriental Proverb)
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

College

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in ****s whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.

This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into ****one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended ****s in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before **** Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exsts between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

------------------------

The Secret of Antigravity...

Q: If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet, But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

A: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of - starship and off aliens crash on top of them.

And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device. One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to temperamental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?

I offer a modest proposal: We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the Laundromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use T-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

AND THE RESPONSE TO THIS from a fan of the experimental scientific method: This is a clear case of the difference between theoretical and experimental science. Experimental science demonstrates that nature does not "resolve" paradoxes, it simply prevents them from arising in the first place. In this case, that prevention was apparently caused by an old scientific axiom -- the act of performing an experiment may invalidate its outcome. The most well known example of this is the Heisenberg uncertainty principle from physics. Recognizing that something similar might be going on, the suggested experiment was performed 100 times using 100 volunteer experimenters, 100 slices of buttered bread, and 100 (uncooperative) cats. Results are summarized below:

* 51 cases reported that the cat escaped prior to being configured for the experiment.

* 24 cases reported that the cat delivered sufficient damage to the bread holding apparatus that the experiment could not be performed.

* 23 cases reported that the cat delivered sufficient damage to the experimenter that the experiment could not be performed.

* 1 case reported that the bread revolved around the cat until the butter side was face down on the cat's belly, at which point the cat landed on its feet and the bread landed butter side down.

* Two cases failed to report their results, but the labs in which the experiments were planned to take place are now rubble. In both cases, bloody cat prints were seen leading away from the epicenter of the devastation.

* Zero cases reported any observable antigravity.

Although results are preliminary, we believe the cat-butter paradox is prevented from ever happening by what we have tentatively called "the certainty principle" -- that any cat facing this experiment is certain to be an unwilling participant.

Disclaimer: No actual cats were injured in the course of these experiments. Alas, the same cannot be said for bread (or experimenters).

---------------------

More Food Fun

Facts about the Human Body

As you age, your eye color gets lighter.

There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children (some of the bones fuse together as a child grows).

The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.

It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest.

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.

There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Animal Kingdom".

Life expectancy for Russian men has actually gone down over the past 40 years. A Russian male born today can expect to live an average 58 years.

In 1985, the most popular waist size for men's pants was 32. In 2003, it's 36.

Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.

In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.

Newest trend in the Netherlands: Tiny jewels implanted directly into the eye.

A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet.

Jeffrey and Sheryl McGowen in Houston turned to vitro fertilization. Two eggs were implanted in Sheryl's womb, and both of them split. Sheryl gave birth to two sets of identical twins at once.

In 1991, the average bra size in the United States was 34B. Today it's 36C.

The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old.

Every year, 2700 surgical patients go home from the hospital with metal tools, sponges, and other objects left inside them. In 2000, 57 people died as a result of these mistakes.

We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.

Pain is measured in units of "dols". The instrument used to measure pain is a "dolorimeter".

The Amish a diet high in meat, dairy, refined sugars and calories. Yet obesity is virtually unknown among them. The difference is since they have no TVs, cars or powered machines, they spend their time in manual labor.

As of January 1, 2004, the population of the United States increases by one person every 12 seconds. There is a birth every eight seconds, an immigrant is added every 25 seconds, but a death every 13 seconds.

Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day.

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

A baby is born without kneecaps. They appear between age 2 and 6.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

The arteries and veins surrounding the brain stem called the "circle of Willis" looks like a stick person with a large head.

Brushing your teeth regularly has been shown to prevent heart disease.

A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

Men get hiccups more often than women.

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

The average person laughs 15 times a day.

------------------------

Fun With Food

The Office Game

One Point

* Run one lap around the office at top speed.
* Ignore the first five people who say "Good morning" to you.
* Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
* To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
* Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
* Walk sideways to the photocopier.
* While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three Points

* Say to your boss, "I like your ****" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
* Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
* Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
* Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
* Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five Points

* At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
* Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
* For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
* Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
* After every sentence, say "Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
* While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
* In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
* At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
* In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10 am slot: "See how I look in tights." (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
* Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
* Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
* Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
* Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
* Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
* Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
* Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
* Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
* During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
* Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

-------------------------------

Actual Country-Western Song Titles

(At least 180 real song titles, in alphabetical order.)

80 Proof Bottle Of Tear Stopper

All I Want From You

All My Exes Live In Texas

Am I Double Parked By The Curbstone Of Your Heart?

At The Gas Station Of Love, I Got The Self Service Pump

Bubba Shot The Jukebox

Cow Cow Boogie

Did I Shave My Legs For This? (By Deana Carter)

Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You

Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Yo-Mind (By Tammy Wynette)

Don't Squeeze My Sharmon

Don't Strike A Match To The Book Of Love

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Get The Hammer Mama, There's A Head On Papa's Fly (Now That's The Best One Yet)

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

Go Back To Texas And Cheesey French Fry Lake

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

Her Only Bad Habit Is Me

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

Hold On To Your Men, 'Cause She's Single Again

How Can I Get Over You If You Won't Get Out From Under Me?

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Don't Do Floors

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade

I Gave Her The Ring, And She Gave Me The Finger

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You

I Got The Hungries For Your Love, And I'm Waitin' In Your Welfare Line

I Got Through Everything But The Door

I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming

I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine.

I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up

I Sat Down On A Bear Trap (Just This Morning)

I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin Better

I Wanna Whip Your Cow

I Want A Beer As Cold As My Ex-Wife's Heart

I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me

I Was Looking Back To See If You Were Looking Back To See If I Was Looking Back To See If You Were Looking Back At Me

I Went Back To My Fourth Wife For The Third Time And Gave Her A Second Chance To Make A First ****Fool Out Of Me (By Rev. Billy C. Wirtz)

I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I Would Kiss You Through The Screen Door But It'd Strain Our Love

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'd Like To Check You For Ticks

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Thru You

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

I'd Like You A Whole Lot Better If We Slept Together

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing

I'd Rather Pass A Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If I Had A Nose Full Of Nickels, I'd Sneeze Them All Atchoo

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out By Now.

If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen The Train

If The Jukebox Took Teardrops

If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me

If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure

If You Can't Feel It, It Ain't There

If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It

If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

If You Really Loved Me, You'd Leave

If You See Me Gettin' Smaller, It's Cause I'm Leavin' You

I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him

I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

I'll Tennessee You In My Dreams

I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home

I'm Gonna Put A Aar In The Back Of My Car And Drive Myself To Drink (From The Album "Fear Of Fryin'" By "Eggs Over Easy")

I'm Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail

I'm Quittin' Wild Turkey Cold Turkey

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

I'm Under The Table Over You

It Ain't Love, But It Ain't Bad

It Ain't Easy Being Easy

It Only Takes One Bar (To Make A Prison)

It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long

It's Not The High Cost Of Living, It's The Cost Of Living High

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I've Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I've Got $5 And It's Saturday Night

I've Got The Cob, If You've Got The Corn

Jim, I Wore A Tie Today

Lay Something On My Bed Besides A Blanket

Make Me Late For Work Today

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Baby's Head)

Mommy, Can I Still Call Him Daddy?

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

My Phone Ain't Been Ringing, So I Guess It Wasn't You

My Red Neck, My White Socks, And My Blue Ribbon Beer

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Nashville Rash

Occasional Wife

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

Our Love Is Illegal, Cause Our Names Ain't The Same

Overlonely And Underkissed

Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill

Phantom Of The Opry

Pick Me Up On Your Way Down

Please Bypass This Heart.

Poultry Promenade

Queen Of My Doublewide Trailer

Redneck Martians Stole My Baby

Refried Dreams

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas

She's Actin' Single... I'm Drinkin' Doubles

She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

She's Got The Rhythm (And I Got The Blues)

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You

The Bridge Washed Out And I Can't Swim And My Baby's On The Other Side

The Last Word In 'Lonesome' Is 'Me'

The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)

The Pint Of No Return

There Ain't Enough Room In My Fruit Of The Looms To Hold All My Lovin' For You

There's A Tear In My Beer

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out

Tight Fittin' Jeans

Touch Me With More Than Your Hands

Trainwreck Of Emotion

Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother (By Jerry Jeff Walker)

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

Waitin' In Your Welfare Line

What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made A Loser Out Of Me

When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass?

Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?

Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?

Why Did You Leave The One You Left Me For?

Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw? (By Jimmy Buffett On "All The Great Hits")

Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?

Yard Sale

You Can Lock Me Up In Jail & Throw Away The Key, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breaking Out (By Randy Scruggs)

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

You Stuck My Heart In An Old Tin Can And Shot It Off A Log

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life

You're A Cross I Can't Bear

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns

You're A Hangnail On My Heart And I'm Gonna Cut You Off

You're A Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch

You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation

You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face? (By The Louvin Brothers)

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

Save me, Jeebus!

I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

I don't hate your mother, I just won't be sad when she dies.

Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene'.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!

Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!

Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

God bless those pagans.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!

(Did anybody miss me?..........I didn't think so!)

A Spot of British Humor

As reported in the newpaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

For the Geeks

* There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
* If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
* I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
* My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
* Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
* In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
* Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk
* I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
* The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX
* A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
* Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
* A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
* The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
* UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
* Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
* C://dos
C://dos.run
run.dos.run
* You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
* JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
* 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
* Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive
* How do I set a laser printer to stun?
* There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
* Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
* It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
* Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
* The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
* Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
* The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
* If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won't mar the furniture
* COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
* Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
* LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
* The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
* Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
* Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
* boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
* We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
* Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
* If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBO
* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
* Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
* Unrecognized input, get out of the ****br /> * Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
* WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER
* Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
* Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression
* Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is "c:> hack into fbi"
* BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
* I survived an NT installation
* The name is Baud……James Baud
* My new car runs at 56Kbps
* Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
* File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
* Cannot read data, leech the next boy's paper? (Y/N)
* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
* Windows: Just another pane in the glass
* Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
* RAM disk is not an installation procedure
* Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
* The truth is out there…anybody got the URL?
* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
* E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage
* Help! I'm modeming… and I can't hang up!!!
* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
* Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
* Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the 'OK' button to continue
* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
* Press every key to continue
* Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where's that 'any key'..
* Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
* Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
* To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so
* (001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
* Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
* (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
* Computers can never replace human stupidity
* A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
* (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
* Bugs come in through open Windows
* Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
* Unix is user friendly…its just selective about who its friends are
* Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
* Bell Labs Unix — Reach out and grep someone.
* To err is human…to really foul up requires the root password.
* Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
* FUBAR - where Geeks go for a drink
* I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore
* Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
* Black holes are where God divided by zero
* Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
* Thank god, my baby just compiled
* Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
* Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously
* Zap! And there was the blue screen !
* Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :-)
* MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
* A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them
* PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
* 1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
* 1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
* Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
* If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
* A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
* "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
* Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
* Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
* Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
* Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
* Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
* Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
* Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
* All computers run at the same speed… with the power off
* You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
* Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
* Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
* Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
* Shut up, or i'll flush you out
* Cron : Enter cron command Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
* We are experiencing system trouble — do not adjust your terminal
* You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
* I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
* Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
* Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
* If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question
* Having soundcards is nice… having embedded sound in web pages is not
* My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
* You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
* Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
* I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998 )
* Ah, young webmaster… java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
* What color do you want that database?
* C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them
* As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
* earth is 98% full … please delete anyone you can
* A typical yahoo chat room: "A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out.."
* When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop
* Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
* Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
* NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
* Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
* NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
* ****An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
* How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
* Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT
* root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is 'a_49qwXk'
* New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
* Quake and uptime do not like each other
* Unix…best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
* As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria — Final Fantasy VIII
* Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft…and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
* Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
* Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
* How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!
* God is real, unless declared integer
* I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
* Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
* It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
* Please help - firewall burnt down - lost packet - reward $$$
* If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
* Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
* Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
* Norton: Incoming virus - (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
* I had a dream… and there were 1's and 0's everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
* You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
* C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void

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