Next Chaplin movie.

This one is 1936's Modern Times (8.5 stars, #60 on IMDb's Top 250 List, #78 on AFI's 100 Years 100 Movies, #33 on AFI's 100 Years 100 Laughs), written, directed, and starring Charlie Chaplin with Paulette Goddard (they were briefly married after this movie).

This is an interesting one, because I've seen this classified as a silent movie. It's not a silent movie. There are chunks of it that are in silence, but it's not a silent movie. There is no actually spoken dialog, but it is not a silent movie. Get my point?

It's about a factory worker (the Tramp, the last time the Tramp actually appears, 22 years after his introduction) who has a nervous breakdown at work. He's sent to a hospital, but when he gets out, he's unemployed. He's later arrested as a Communist (20 years before the Red Scare) because he was waving a red flag at a Communist demonstration (the flag fell off a truck, and he was trying to give it back to the owner of the truck). In jail, he mistakes cocaine for salt, and, in his delirious state, he inadvertently foils a jailbreak. He's declared a hero and released. But, he has problems coping with the outside world. Meeting a young gamine (a homeless young woman) helps him. The two fall in love and start living together. But, the Tramp is constantly in and out of jail. At the end, the young gamine gets a job as a dancer at a restaurant and gets her boss to hire the Tramp as a singing waiter (which is when you actually hear Chaplin's voice for the first time, singing a gibberish song). But, the two have to go on the lam because she's wanted by the law for stealing a loaf of bread and escaping police custody. The Tramp and the Gamine walk into the sunrise, after the Tramp advises her to "Smile."

As I've repeatedly said, this isn't a silent movie. Here's why:

Throughout the first scenes, when the Tramp is in the factory, there is actual dialog. Not between two people or anything. But, there is spoken word. The spoken word is through the use of technology: the factory owner appears in a video phone, telling the Tramp to get back to work. A record plays with instructions on how to use an automatic feeder. A radio plays in the warden's office. Finally, at the end, Chaplin sings. Does that sound like a silent movie to you?

One of the themes in this movie is the reliance of technology and the struggles against it. The Tramp is out of place with modern technology, just as Chaplin was reluctant to use the new modern technology—sound films. Chaplin believed that his Tramp character would be lost if the character was ever heard. He feared that some of the Tramp's romance and mysticism would be destroyed if he ever spoke. Chaplin also worried if his movies would translate to non-English countries.

(Side note: This is what I think is so awesome about silent movies. They transcend languages. Except for the interface titles, which are always written in the language of the country, you can understand what's going on without them.)

This is the only movie where the Tramp is heard, in a gibberish song, and then the character was officially retired (although the Jewish Barber in The Great Dictator is a Tramp-like character.)

The references to drug use in the prison was very daring for its time. The Production Code was in full gear at this time, and that blatant of drug use was a no-no. But, Chaplin got away with it.

My two favorite scenes in this movie are the scene where you hear Chaplin's voice for the first time (the song is so much fun) and the scene where Chaplin skates around the top floor of a department store blindfolded, barely managing to avoid a huge hole in the floor every time. It's an incredible feat of athleticism. I'm very sure, with Chaplin's known perfection, that there was actually a huge hole in the floor, and if he would have missed his mark—even roller skating—by an inch, he would have either been killed or severely injured. (Although I'm pretty sure Chaplin could see through his blindfold.)

I like this movie a lot, although I don't think it's nearly as good as City Lights and The Great Dictator. There are some awesome things in it, and the story is good. But, it would have been better if the only voice you hear was the Little Tramp's.

Till next time.

Kat

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers around the world:

1. Man wanted to work in dynamite factor. Must be willing to travel.
2. 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
3. Washing machine: free to good home.
4. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
5. Great Dames for sale.
6. Lost Cocktail
7. Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
8. German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
9. Free ducks. You catch.
10. 1 man, 7 woman hot tub--$850/offer.
11. Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
12. Snow blower for sale.. only used on snowy days.
13. 2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15.
14. For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
15. Shakespeare's Pizza--Free Chopsticks
16. Hummels--largest selection ever. "If it's in stock, we have it!"
17. Georgia peaches, California grown--89 cents lb."
18. Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7-$9 per hour.
19. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated
20. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
21. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome--Free Sample!
22. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
23. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
24. This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
25. Wanted: Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers.
26. Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
27. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
28. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
29. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
30. Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
31. Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.
32. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
33. Dinner Special--Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
34. Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required.
35. His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55.
36. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
37. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
38. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
39. We'll move you worldwide throughout the country.
40. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
41. Tattoos done while you wait.
42. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
43. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
44. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
45. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
46. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
47. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
48. Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes.
49. TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets.
50. This house has been fully insulted.
51. Man, honest. Will take anything.
52. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
53. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
54. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
55. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
56. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
57. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
58. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
59. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
60. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
61. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
62. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
63. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00

Till next one.

Kat

Another installment of the Things People Said. This one is church bulletin quotations.

1. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't like you.

2. Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church.

3. Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

5. O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation.

6. After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor.

7. Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

10. Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.

11. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

12. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

13. There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow.

14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

15. Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping.

16. Marriage: An Institution to be Endured)
(The subject of a sermon that should have read "An Institution to Endure")

17. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

18. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

19. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

20. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

21. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

22. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

23. The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

25. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

26. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

27. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

28. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

29. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

30. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

31. Women's S.E.W. (Stitching and Encouraging Women)

32. He came down and saved my soup.

Church Anecdote:

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

Then, he sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River'."

Till the next one.

Kat

Since I'm on a Charlie Chaplin kick, I thought I'd include his biopic. This is the 1992 biopic about the life of Charlie Chaplin, Chaplin (7.3 stars), starring Robert Downey Jr., Dan Aykroyd, Anthony Hopkins, Moira Kelly, and Kevin Kline. Unsurprisingly, it's about the life of Charlie Chaplin (which I just said), based on Chaplin's autobiography and Chaplin: His Life and Art by David Robinson. It's directed by Sir Richard Attenborough.

It does have a framing device: in the early 1960s, an elder Chaplin (Downey Jr.) meets with the ghost writer of his autobiography (Hopkins, in the only fictional role in this movie) in Switzerland to discuss his life. His life is in a series of flashbacks, largely chronological. Not a lot of attention is paid to Chaplin's movies. Only 9 out of Chaplin's 86 movies as an actor (73 as a director) are shown in a way that can be identified. And, even the first movie that shows the Little Tramp, Chaplin's iconic character, isn't exactly the same in this movie. See, the first movie that Chaplin wears the iconic outfit and can be considered the first Little Tramp movie is 1914's Kid Auto Races at Venice. This biopic says that the first movie the Little Tramp was a character in was a wedding picture. In reality, this 1914 movie has nothing whatsoever to do with a wedding. But, what's depicted in the biopic and recreated by Downey Jr. is funnier than the real 1914 movie.

The other movies that are at all identifiable are:

1917's The Immigrant (Edna Purviance, played by Penelope Ann Miller, eating)
1918's Shoulder Arms (Downey Jr. walking around in a tree trunk outfit)
1921's The Kid (and only the editing of the movie, since Chaplin in reality had to basically kidnap this movie in order to edit it so his first ex-wife and her lawyers couldn't get their hands on it.)
1925's The Gold Rush (And the only one actually mentioned by name in the dialogue. Downey Jr. recreates the dance of the dinner rolls at a dinner with Kevin Dunn's J. Edgar Hoover, he recreates the teeter-totter cabin, and he examines the dinner shoe.)
1930's City Lights (but only exploring how a blind woman would think that the Little Tramp is a millionaire without using sound. Answer: by hearing a car door shut and thinking it's the Little Tramp.)
1936's Modern Times (but only during Chaplin's scoring of it.)
1940's The Great Dictator (Downey Jr. recreates the Jewish Barber's speech at the end. Actually, compared to every other movie identified, this is the one that gets the most attention.)
1952's Limelight (but only the premiere of it.)

By the way, out of Chaplin's 86 movies as an actor, 71 were completed before he was 30 years old. And he was hired by Mack Sennett when he was 24 years old. So, 71 movies in 6 years. Man, they cranked movies out during movies' infancy!

Mostly, this movie covers Chaplin's affairs. He was married 4 times, all but one of his wives were considered underage. The movie's premise is that he was constantly looking for his first love, who rejected his proposal of marriage, and she passed away before Chaplin got big in the movies. The movie all but states that he finally found the love that he was looking for in his last wife, Oona O'Neill Chaplin. Moira Kelly plays both his first love and his last love.

Another premise the movie has is Chaplin's struggle with the concept of having money while everyone else around him was struggling. This concept is also evident in his movies. Chaplin was a multi-millionaire who was smart enough to sell off his stocks in 1928, a year before the stock market crashed. He was doing great financially, while he saw ordinary people that he identified with lose everything. He was one of the richest, most powerfully men in Hollywood at that time, and his best known character was a homeless, poverty-stricken Tramp.

Another premise of the movie is the idea that you can't go home again. Chaplin didn't know his father—Charles Spencer Chaplin Sr. left the family when Chaplin was three years old, and didn't have much contact with his son after he left. Chaplin did know what happened to his father, a singer. He died of cirrhosis when Chaplin was 12. Chaplin lived with his mother, Hanna (who is played by Chaplin's daughter Geraldine Chaplin in this biopic), an actress who was once upstaged by her younger son, and his older stepbrother (later his manager) Sid Chaplin.

However, Hanna struggled from mental illness, and she lived in and out of the asylum. When she was in the asylum, the two boys went to live at the workhouse.

In the movie, Chaplin goes back to London for the premiere of The Kid in 1921, and he wanders through the streets that he used to live on. It's pretty sad. He criticizes himself that he couldn't deal with his mother—he just threw money at her.

In addition, Chaplin never became a U.S. citizen, which was one of the causes of his downfall. Also, J. Edgar Hoover hated Chaplin, illegally spying on him throughout the '20s, '30s, and '40s. Chaplin's FBI file is almost 2,000 pages long, most of which is concocted fallacies. However, his downfall started coming when Joan Barry, a wannabe actress, lied and said that he was the father of their baby. They had had an affair, but Barry was insane. By the time she conceived, Chaplin had ended their affair. Blood tests proved that he wasn't the kid's father, but blood tests were inadmissible in California courts at that time. He was ordered to pay child support for Barry's daughter. In 1952, Chaplin left for the London premiere of Limelight, and Hoover revoked his re-entry permit. His wife, Oona, renounced her American citizenship, and they settled in Switzerland, only returning to the United States one more time—in 1972 when he received an Honorary Oscar.

Even in death (1977), Chaplin couldn't rest. About 4 months after his death, Chaplin's body was stolen in an attempt to exhort money from the family. The robbers were captured, and the body was found 11 weeks after it was stolen. He is now interred under 6 feet of concrete.

(People are nuts.)

I mentioned some of the things that Robert Downey Jr. recreated in this movie. On the DVD special features, director Richard Attenborough claims that there is no footage of the real Charlie Chaplin in this movie. He must not have seen this movie very recently, because, other than The Great Dictator's speech, which begins in color and ends in black and white, all of the black and white footage in this movie is Chaplin. Although Downey Jr., who was in his late 20s at the time of filming, looks like Chaplin (especially when he puts the makeup on), he's not identical. Downey Jr. is taller, and his shoulders are broader. The two men have vastly different smiles. You can tell the difference.

However, Robert Downey Jr. is incredible in this movie. There criticisms that the movie is too glossy (it is) and superficial, and I'll agree with those criticisms. But, RDJ is absolutely awesome as Charlie Chaplin, and he's pretty much universally praised for this role. He got his first Academy Award nomination for this part.

Also, I saw an interview with him about 5 years ago, when the first Iron Man movie came out. He said that it was in the late 1980s and early 1990s when he started taking drugs. But, he was sober making this movie, due to the athletic stuff he had to do. It's also one of his favorite movies that he's done.

When I first watched this movie, Charlie Chaplin was just a name to me. I didn't grow up watching silent movies. Dad doesn't like movies, and Mom pretty much likes movies that she watched as a teenager. The movie came out when I was 14, and I was intrigued because even at that time, I liked Robert Downey Jr. (Soapdish, Weird Science, and I'd seen an edited version of Less Than Zero in school.) He was the reason I first watched this movie when it came out on video.

And I was intrigued with Charlie Chaplin because of this movie. As I said, before watching this movie, Charlie Chaplin was just a name. After watching this movie, I started trying to watch various Chaplin movies.

Is it a glossy, superficial look on Chaplin's life? Absolutely. Things are compressed, and it sounds like Chaplin's real life was a lot more turbulent than the movie depicts. However, it did cause me to get interested in Chaplin's movies.

Till next time.

Kat

I love Charlie Chaplin. I've always been a movie fan, but when I started expanding my interests, and going more to classical movies, I quickly discovered Charlie Chaplin films. I quickly fell in love his character, the Little Tramp. I also really liked him. How he was able to use his body so well to convey physical comedy, pantomime, drama. You don't need the interface titles, and he doesn't use that many of them. You get the story by just watching him.

I liked that.

This one is my favorite of the Little Tramp movies (although I don't know if it's my favorite Chaplin movie or if The Great Dictator is.) It's 1931's City Lights (8.6 stars, #46 on IMDb's Top 250 List, #11 on AFI's 100 Greatest Movies, and #1 on AFI's Top 10 Genres "Romantic Comedy," #33 on AFI's 100 Years 100 Cheers, #38 on AFI's 100 Heroes and Villains—hero, #10 on AFI's 100 Years 100 Passions, #38 on AFI's 100 Years 100 Laughs) In this one, the Little Tramp falls in love with a blind flower girl (Virginia Cherrill) who needs an operation to gain her sight. She thinks the Tramp is a millionaire, and he's more than happy to play along. Especially after he befriends a drunk millionaire who forgets who the Tramp is when he's sober. Seeing that the Tramp can't rely on the millionaire to help him help the blind girl, the Tramp decides to help her himself, including getting into a boxing match. At the end, through a series of unfortunate circumstances, the Tramp goes to jail after he gives all his money to the girl for her operation. After he gets out of jail, the Tramp goes by a flower shop where the now ex-blind girl works at. The ex-blind girl initially laughs at his appearance, but recognizes him at the touch of his hand. The last lines are beautiful: the Tramp asks "Can you see?" The girl says, "Yes, I can see now." It's beautiful. And, the ending is traditional Chaplin—very bittersweet. You don't know if there's going to be a happy ending. You hope so, but it's doubtful.

Watching this movie now, I'm struck how risqué the opening scene was for 1931. In the course of 3 minutes, the Tramp gets his pants caught on a sword and struggles to free them while the National Anthem plays, he uses a statue to thumb his nose at everything. In addition, this was a silent movie after sound started. For a long time, this was the last true silent movie until Mel Brooks did a tribute to one in the 1970s, called Silent Movie. Then, you have 2011's The Artist, which is a silent movie.

However, I call this a silent movie, and it is. There is no spoken dialogue. But, Chaplin does use sound, particularly music and sound effects, which he came up with. The first scene, at the statue dedication, the people "talk." They're gibberish sounds, sounding like music. It's actually Chaplin talking through a reed instrument.

Chaplin was an amazing filmmaker. When he got control of his own movies, there was no one else like him. Buster Keaton, his nearest rival, was amazing at coming up with physical stunts, and Chaplin used physical stunts and comedy as well. But, he was also incredible at the dramatic moments. As I said, Chaplin movies traditionally end ambiguously, and this one is no exception. He didn't like to give happy endings.

Chaplin was a known perfectionist, and known as kind of a difficult filmmaker. This movie was his longest in production. Although it only shot for 3 months, Chaplin was 3 years producing it. He kept getting pressure from the studios to make a "talkie," but it would be another 5 years before he made his first movie with actual voice elements and another 10 years before his character would be allowed to say anything other than gibberish. Just because he didn't want to make a talkie.

As I said, Chaplin was an amazing filmmaker. He knew music—he composed the background music—he knew dance (he has that beautiful ballet with the balloon globe in The Great Dictator. The boxing scene in this movie is very much like a dance as well. He wrote, directed, and produced his movies, pretty much from the time he came up with the character of the Tramp to his last ones, well into the 1950s. And, obviously, was someone who could get away with having a silent movie at a time when everyone was going takie.

Great movie.

Kat

This one will be short. It's Patient Charts. The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts. (Also, I should say that I doubt "Dr. Blank," who is listed twice on here, is real. I'm sure the doctor's name was listed on the sheet, but this website changed it so no one could be identified.)

Patients' Sing-In Complaints:

1. "Diarear."
2. "Sore trout."

Doctors' Comments on Patient Charts

1. "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
3. "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
4. "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
5. "Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
6. "The patient refused an autopsy."
7. "The patient has no past history of suicides."
8. "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
9. "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
10. "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
11. "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
12. "She is numb from her toes down."
13. "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
14. "The skin was moist and dry."
15. "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
16. "Patient was alert and unresponsive."
17. "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
18. "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
19. "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
20. "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
21. "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
22. "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
23. "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
24. "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
25. "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
26. "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
27. "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
28. "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

Till next time

Kat

Continuing with these, since they seem to be popular. This one is resume quotations. All spelling errors and punctuating errors are not mine. Also, items #39 and #40 under "resumes" were written all in capital letters. After typing them out, I didn't like how it looked. So, imagine them all in caps, OK? (And good luck with #40!) And my favorite is #53.

Resumes:

1. I am very detail-oreinted.

2. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

3. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

4. I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

5. Served as assistant sore manager.

6. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

7. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

8. Special skills: Thyping.

9. Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

10. I can play well with others.

11. I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing.

12. Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.

13. My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.

14. I eat computers for lunch.

15. I have used lots of software appilcations.

16. Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.

17. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

18. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

19. Previous experience: Self-employed--fiasco.

20. I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis.

21. I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation.

22. Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.

23. I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food.

24. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word "paranoia." I prefer to elaborate privately.

25. Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state.

26. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

27. I love dancing and throwing parties.

28. I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute.

29. I am a rabid typist.

30. Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.

31. Special Skills: Speak English.

32. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

33. Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

34. Work Experience: College, August 1880-May 1984.

35. Experience with: LBM-compatible computers.

36. Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward.

37. Typing Speed: 756 wpm.

38. Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.

39. Once focused on an objective, I believe myself to have an undying lust for success with accuracy and effeciency.

40. At one point during [John Doe's] 28 years on this planet, he was in an automobile accident; which put a few years therapy, some "rollercoaster" emotional soul journeys, and a wicked job resume, which most employers would frown upon, around his present identity... ten years "in the running." However, given the present cash flow, VIA, the American government, consistency, both physically and emotionally, have been realized and touched upon over the past few years. All in all, my relationship with social security benefits is growing near end in response to my accumulated work history. Hence, I see urgency, closure, some fear, strong desire, and maturity all woven into this expression of me, the employee to you, the employer.

41. Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

42. Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

43. My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

44. Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.

45. Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!

46. I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.

47. Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company.

48. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

49. Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

50. Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30.

51. Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places.

52. Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

53. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

54. Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.

Cover Letters:

1. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

2. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

3. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

4. Please disregard the attached resume--it is terribly out of date.

5. It's best for employers that I not work with people.

6. Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

7. If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

8. My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job"--and I like your company in particular.

9. You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

10. I am sicking and entry-level position.

11. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

12. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

13. I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy.

14. Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house.

15. I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so.

16. I need just enough money to have pizza every night.

17. My compensation should be at least equal to my age.

18. I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C+++ and HTML experience.

19. My primary goal is to be recognized.

20. Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me.

21. My salary requirement is $34 per year.

22. I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.

23. I am superior to anyone else you could hire.

24. I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.

25. Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However...

26. I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment.

27. I worked here full-time there.

28. I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one.

29. You are privileged to receive my resume.

Till next time.

Kat

This is my favorite Marx Brothers movie.

This one is 1933's Duck Soup (8.1 stars, #60 on AFI's 100 Years 100 Movies, #5 on AFI's 100 Years 100 Laughs, ), starring all four Marx Brothers again, although this one would be the last to include Zeppo.

In this one, Groucho has been appointed leader of a small, bankrupt European nation (Freedonia) by a wealthy woman. Neighboring Sylvania is trying to take over Freedonia. At the end of this movie, the two nations are at work, although they end up just hurling fruit at each other.

This movie is famous for its mirror scene between Groucho and Harpo. In it, Harpo mimics Groucho's movements, even absurd movements, to perfection. Although it's not the first movie to use this sort of scene, it's the most famous. In more recent years, any mirror scene between two actors are referring to this movie (I remember an X-Files episode that used a mirror scene like this.)

It's also famous for being an early movie criticizing dictatorships, particularly those in Germany and Italy. In fact, it was banned in Italy, because Mussolini thought they were criticizing him. The Brothers weren't, necessarily. They were poking fun at dictatorships in general (really, Groucho Marx said that they were "four Jews trying to get a laugh.") Groucho is singing a song about how he was going to eliminate random freedoms, and the people are cheering him on.

Just think—at the time this movie was released, that satire on politics was seen as "dated."

Rumor has it that this movie was a box-office flop. It wasn't. It didn't do as well as the previous year's Horse Feathers did, but it wasn't a flop. It received lukewarm reviews at the time of release, and it's been said that some people didn't understand the cynical look of government. We have to remember that this was a Depression-era audience. Now, it's viewed as a brilliant satire of government.

There are a lot of hilarious things in it, and lots of targets are satirized.

Great movie. I recommend it.

Till next time.

Kat

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

1. Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

2. Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

3. Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
(The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.)

4. Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

5. Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

6. Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er... his face."

7. Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

8. Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

9. Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

10. Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

11. Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

12. Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "What disco am I at?"

13. Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because he brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

14. Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

15. Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

16. Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

17. Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

18. Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

19. Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

20. Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

21. Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

22. Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

23. Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

24. Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

25. Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

26. Lawyer: "Were you present in the court this morning when you were sworn in?"

27. Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

28. Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

29. Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

30. Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

31. Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

32. Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

33. Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

34. Lawyer (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question): "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

35. Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

36. Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

37. Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question."
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question."
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

38. Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

39. Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."

40. Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

41. Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it."

42. Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

43. Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

44. Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

45. Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

46. The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

47. Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

48. Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

49. Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. OK? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

50. Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter?"
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

51. Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

52. Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases, he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

53. Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and the next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

54. Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

55. Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observer with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on... what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

56. Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

57. Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

58. Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

59. Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

60. Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronounciate his words."

Till next time.

Kat

My second favorite Marx Brothers movie.

This one is 1932's Horse Feathers (7.7 stars, #65 on AFI's 100 Years 100 Laughs), starring all four Marx Brothers again (this one has Zeppo has Groucho's son!)

It's about an incompetent college president (Groucho) who is facing yet another losing football season. So, he decides to hire two ringers (professional players) to play on the college football team. Through a series of misunderstandings, he hires two bumbling idiots (Chico and Harpo). Groucho also must deal with his son, who is in love with the college widow.

Part of this movie is spoofing the college widow that was part of nearly every college during the '20s and the early '30s. She was a young woman who either stays in college, hoping to find a husband (occasionally still referred to as a young woman getting her M.R.S.) or she is the wife or girlfriend of a college professor who is dallying around with a young college student. It's sort of a dead genre now, but it was a very identifiable fixture of college movies at that time.

It's a testimony to the Marx Brothers' chaos that this element is still funny. Although this is the only movie that modern audiences will probably ever see of that element.

But, college widows will occasionally referenced still today with young females. When I went to college, I was constantly asked—to the point where it really stopped being funny—if I was going for my M.R.S. Most of these people asking me that had never seen a Marx Brothers movie. But, it's the same type of reference.

One of the things that tickle me the most about this movie is in the first 5 minutes. Groucho starts singing "I'm Against It!" ("Whatever it is, I'm against it!") I work in a university. That seems to be the theme song of a lot of professors. Whatever it is, I'm against it! This ranges from email exchanges (one professor I work with makes it a point of pride that he doesn't know how to check his email.) to curriculum changes (it doesn't matter if it will make their lives' easier, they're against it!) to assessment. Any change in policy, they're against it! They have to put something new in their syllabus, they're against it! Nice to know things don't change in 80 years.

One thing that hasn't changed and still holds up today is eligibility in college sports. Occasionally, you'll hear about a college team that has eligibility problems with their athletes. It also features one of the funniest and best football sequences at the end of it, where all four brothers get in on the action.

This movie is just chaos, but I see a lot of true-to-life things in it.

Great movie.

Till next time.

Kat