I've been ranting to my mom about my friend troubles a lot lately, mainly about my worries that my friend clings to me so steadfastly that no one actually knows who I am, they just know her and apply her to me.

Plus I'm PMS-ing, so I get all weepy and pathetic-looking every time I mention it.

My mom suggested that I go to a therapist so I can vent about everything, because sometimes it's good to have objective advice on things like that.

I don't really think it's necessary, but I don't know. I've just completely run out of the energy and initiative to continue my life like this. Every day it's the same- avoid friend, cringe when friend catches up and embarasses me, try to talk to my classmates so that maybe they'll see me for who I actually am, hope I'm not being the annoying over-talkative third wheel in the process.

I have to do a group project over break. I picked the people I'm most amicable with. But we're not actually friends. So I don't have their phone numbers or email addresses or anything. I managed to get one person's before the spring break started today, but I feel like I was probably really rude in doing so. I can just see this whole thing going to an awkward uncomfortable hell, and fast.

I'm so frustrated that absolutely nothing has an easy way out right now. I can't even get through my piano lessons this week. And I'm so preoccupied that I keep thinking I should've quit piano years ago, I've continously wanted to quit, I've never gotten any happiness out of it, I'm just not a musical person....

Then I get back to the "every choice I've made has been the wrong one and a major waste of my time" thing and start crying again. Ugh. Even I'm sick of myself.

I just want to get in a car (learn to drive first lol), take off, drive across the country, and never come back to this version of my life.

Maybe I can run forever, like Forrest Gump. I don't have enough money to go very far, but maybe people would give me stuff once I turned into some sort of legendary runner figure. :P

This is going to start to seem like a really b!tchy blog... I can't help it though, the only other one I have is my LiveJournal, and the certain friend I've come to rant about reads that one.

It's the same person as last time, the one I really don't want to be friends with anymore. So today I was talking about how cool it must've been for the guy named Narcissus to get the word "narcissistic" coined after him. Just a word describing you completely. So I was like, "That would be so cool if our last names were words like that."

My other friend, the one I still like, goes "you want to be vain?"

Me: "No, it wouldn't mean the exact same thing as narcissistic, it would be a definition of your personality."

So the friend I don't like goes "okay well yours is just 'I like TV.'"

Gee, great. Way to oversimplify my life. Yeah, I like TV and I talk about it a lot, because we have NOTHING ELSE IN COMMON and I'm trying to stick to topics that keep the peace!!!!! It really made me angry, because here I've been her friend since high school started, and she doesn't know a thing about me. It's like she doesn't even care.

Which I could pretty much guess, since I have tons of songs I've tried to play for her because I KNOW she would like them, but she never listens. Then like a month later someone else will have played her the song and she'll like, be in love with it. Way to underappreciate.

She didn't give me the chance to say what her "-istic" word would've meant, but if I could've said something, I would've had her down to a T.

"That means being overtly, excessively, unnecessarily, and annoying self-depricating; completely ignoring that there is a bright side to life and instead trying desperately to wrench some 'deeper meaning' out of emo, the very genre that lacks it the most."

I could've gone on, but that's all I could do in two seconds worth of thought.

Seriously, she's been insanely "ugh my life is crap I should just give up now" lately. And no matter what we say, she won't even try to listen to us (remember what I said about underappreciation)? She also claims she's a "true emo," and all of the people who dress in black and spike their hair are complete posers. So she tries to show her emo-ness every day by making us sit through endless Tori Amos and Damien Rice songs. Which we do. (But yet she won't even pay attention to our stuff)

She also likes to lip-synch to the songs and try to be really, really, really freaking dramatic, which just results in her looking like she's having an orgasm at the lunch table and gets all of us around her a lot of weird looks.

You've had to have heard of this. If you play the entire album "Dark Side of the Moon" while watching The Wizard of Oz muted, the CD will narrate the movie for you.

There are hundreds of moments where the songs match up with what's going on in the movie... here's a link to the clips of the four creepiest. ;)

http://www.rollingstone.com/rockdaily/index.php/2007/03/20/video-mashup-dark-side-of-oz/

OMG Scrubs.

I simply have to talk about this episode with someone.

Problem is, I only know one other person who watches the show.

And I've been asking him if he's seen the previous night's episode for the last two weeks.

At this rate, he's going to think I'm really annoying.

But that episode was so... talk-about-able!!!!!

I need to get more friends with good taste in TV shows.

So today my teacher went over birth control in Biology class.

She was telling us the failure rate for each method, and for one of them, she counted out how many people were in the class and then used that percentage to count off and make every fifth person or so stand up.

Those people were supposed to represent all the women who used that form of birth control and still got pregnant.

The funny part though was that every fifth person in the class just happened to be the honors-student type people, with the best grades, least likely to do that kind of thing, etc.

So really, worst example ever. :P

I know this isn't exactly a nice thing to think, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I don't like one of my friends at all.

All last year she seemed pretty normal. But this year, she's progressively gotten weirder and weirder. And seeing as she follows me everywhere and today she even literally clung to me, people are beggining to think I'm a freak for being friends with a freak.

That's the associative property of high school cliques, I'm afraid.

She's even started to speak for me to people, revealing stuff about myself that I've told her in confidence. I can't even trust her with information anymore.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe the only reason I hang out with her is because I also hang out with another really good friend of hers, so we just sort of form this trio.

But what she doesn't seem to understand is that sure, this is her senior year, so if she does anything weird now, she's going to college in a few months anyway and gets a clean slate.

I, on the other hand, have to deal with one more year of this crap. I already hate school enough and just want to get it over with, but it's going to be even worse if I have to answer to everything freakish she's ever done for a whole entire year more.

I'm not saying I just want to be like everyone else and forget about unique people. Exactly the opposite. I want people to see me and make their judgements about me based on who I am, not on who this girl who's always talking to me is.

Does this make any sense?

I go to an all-girls school. We've had a few male teachers, but right now there's only one because the others got fired.

So in class, we were talking about something, and our teacher made a comment that he was the male teacher who'd been at the school the longest.

Only he didn't say it that way.

What he actually said was: "Well, I am the longest male here."

For the rest of the class I stared at nothing but the floor, thinking nothing but "Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh..."

lmao.

Apparently Kalua before bed is NOT a good idea. Because I had a really weird dream, one of those ones that sets your gag reflex off.

The weird thing is, I feel like I dreamt this two nights ago, not last night... but if that was the case, something I saw yesterday would've definately triggered a memory of it. But nothing did. I guess I have no concept of time in relation to gross dreams.

I've made a playlist on my iPod for traveling- ie driving along, looking at the scenary, watching the sunrise... happy stuff.

It has 24 songs... does anyone have suggestions for what I could put in as the 25th?