First, the joke:

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

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I was watching 'Saving Grace' again for Deuce's benefit...he loves to see another bulldog on television. That made me decide to post a few pics of him. He loves to pose fora camera, take long naps, and is devoted to his ball... He snores, farts and sheds enough hair every day to fill a grocery bag, but I love him anyway!

Just received in an e-mail from a friend:

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,
and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a
whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo......just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking
sales guy had told me last year,..... that in ONE YEAR
these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo.... it's been a year! I told him. There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
... He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
I bet he felt like an idiot.

My daughter has called in hysterics again.

This time, she needs me to come and bring the spare key to unlock her car. I could have sent AAA, but she was close by and the spare was handy. What the heck? It happens to the best of us, right?

Wrong.

I arrive and she has the key in her hand, still sobbing. "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door-unlocker thingie." And will they have batteries to fit this at that auto part store? she points.(less than 100 yards away).

I took the key and manually unlocked the door, to her complete astonishment. Sending her to the auto parts place for a fresh battery for her 'remote thingie', I headed back home, marveling that such a smart kid can go from 0 to stupid so fast.

I do not make this crap up, I swear.

In other news, Deuce adored 'Saving Grace'. He never took his eyes off Grace's bulldog. And they really do burp like that.

Also, am I the only one experiencing typing dyslexia? I can spell, I swear, but my fingers just refuse to go in the order my brain tells them to. It's driving me crazy.

Fellow fans of 'Army Wives', we need to tell Pamela where her husband, Chase, is. I saw him last night on Spike TV. He's in downtown Pittsburgh, robbing a bank with his fellow Iraq veterans. She's gonna wish she had slept with Scott after all.

Seriously, Jeremy Davidson, who plays Chase Moran on Army Wives, is also in what looks to be a decent 8 hour mini-series Called 'The Kill Point'. It reminded me a bit of 'The Nine', and if I don't get the outcome of this particular bank robbery story I may give my television to the Salvation Army in total frustration (fat chance!).

He plays a character called 'Mr. Rabbit', and I was interested to note that he kept the beard he grew for his Delta Force mission in Iraq on Army Wives for this series.

Is this info worth a blog post? You betcha booties.The way my memory is going downhill, I felt like a miracle had occurred when I recognized an actor and didn't have to run and search IMDb to figure out what show or movie I recognized him from.

Happy Monday.

Today, the 20 year old numbnuts son of mine made me mad. (What's new, right?) This was over the house phone, since his credit sucks and he can't get a cell phone of his own. He keeps taking the portable phone outside, and leaving it there (drugs really ARE bad for you). I have replaced them about 4 times over the years, and when I saw him heading out the door today, I cautioned him about leaving the phone in the house. Out he went, phone and all. Just as I was about to make an a** of myself and go wrestle him for it, my eyes fell on the Vonage modem :twisted: I feel better already. Just hope I can recall where I hid the cable when I am ready for him to have phone priviledges again! And maybe the drug thing will work in my favor this time, he's killed far too many brain cells to know anything remotely technical...like figure out how Vonage works.

Note to self: Revenge can be good for your blood pressure.

Note to others: Birth control pills are small, take two.

It's the phone call you dread.

You are sound asleep, and the phone rings. When you answer, the person on the other end of the line is incoherent. I mean, not a single word can be understood thru the tears. But you bolt upright in bed, because you know it's your child, and something is obviously wrong.

All I could hear was the sound of her screams. You know what I was thinking. Her car was smashed. Her BODY was smashed. Someone else's child was smashed. I owed the city for a power pole.

I got her calm enough to pronounce words clearly. And she got her story out. That's when I decided to strangle her the instant I set eyes upon her.

A SPEEDING TICKET. All the hysterics were over a speeding ticket.

My little darling had been caught doing 74 in a 50. She wasn't injured. She was crying over the FINE!

"Mom, will you pay the ticket?"

Me: Nope.

Her: Can I ask my grandmother to pay the ticket?

Me: Not if you want to live.

Her: But MOM, it's $180.00!! (No mention of how my insurance will skyrocket.)

Me: No. You have to go to court and pay the ticket.

Her: Go to court? But he said I didn't have to appear in court.

Me: I say you have to appear.

Her: Why? This is YOUR fault!!

Me: Huh? This is my fault HOW?

Her: You bought me a RED car.

I know I love her. But some days it's harder than others. And why, you ask, was she speeding? She had to attend Saturday School for being tardy to an elective summer class. And she was running late.

I am such a terrible parent. I gave my daughter a red car. Oh, the shame of it all!

Now, go look in on your sleeping toddler and think about what you have to look forward to. This is my GOOD child....

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what
she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

There needs to be a vaccine invented for this crap!

Yesterday, I discovered yet again, that stupidity cannot be eradicated.

I live in a small southern town, and all cliches aside, I have come to believe that the majority of the idiots in the world live in a 10 mile radius of my house...and at least one lives under my own roof.

Occasionally, just for giggles, I enter a fast food drive thru knowing in advance that I will wait for the cashier to give me the total and flash a $20.00 bill. Then, after that gets punched into the computer, I dig up the change. I have yet to encounter a single employee under the age of oh, say 30, that can do the math in his or her head and hand me the correct amount of paper money. But yesterday took the prize as far as I am concerned. My little bulldog has an extreme fondness for chicken McNuggets...so I dropped by to get him a few. Deuce (the bulldog) needs to watch his manly figure, so I didn't want too many. I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at
the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"
was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. Thank God I don't have to make my living teaching high school math.

The stupid factor wasn't thru with me for the day, however. I sent my idiot son to the vet with the bulldog to get his allergy shot. When they arrived home, I heard the most horrible screeching sound as they came in the door. All I could think as I ran down the steps was that Deuce had sunk his teeth into a squirrel or rabbit and it was squealing. But when I reached the kitchen I discovered with horror that the sound was coming from my own dog. Seems my 20 year old resident dumbass had left the dog in a black car with the windows rolled up in 97 degree heat for about 15 minutes while he did God-knows-what. Bulldogs can overheat in minutes, and my poor babys tongue was nearly black...clearly he was dying. I got him cooled off only by pouring several pitchers of cold water over him and encouraging him to drink. It took about an hour, but the dog was saved. I mopped the kitchen floor with the son.

I'd write more, but Deuce and I need to run outside and see how the son is coping in his 2nd hour of being locked in the same car. He only has 3 hours to go, and then I figure he and Deuce will be even. After all, we need to let him out in time to get to his shift at the local Burger King.

Gee, my first blog post. What in the world could I say to interest you guys? While I work my way up to baring my soul here, perhaps a bit of humor will do in the meanwhile: (This happened near where I live)

MASTERCARD WEDDING

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about
A recent wedding that took place at Clemson University .
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage
With a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank
Everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to
Thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
Envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his
Bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired
A private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching
The guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning;
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately
After finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the
Charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making
The bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends:
$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui :
$8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the
Bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's

MASTERCARD!

'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a
Jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your a** tomorrow......