8) :) :D :lol: :lol: A BLOKE had just finished reading a book called....Man Of The House. Pumped up from the read he stormed into the kitchen and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face,he shouted:  "From now on. I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!   "I want you to prepare me a goument meal tonight and I expect a sumptuous dessert after-wards. Then, after dinner, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. And when I've finished my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"    His wife replied:   "I'd say the funeral director." :lol:

Chemical  Analysis

8):lol::D:)

Element         :  Woman

Element         :  WO2

Discoverer     :  Adam

Atomic Mass :   Accepted as 180lb but known to from 100 lb to 550 lbs

Physical  Properties

(1).  Surface  usually  covered  with  a  painted  film

(2).  Boils  at  nothing  and  freezes  without  reason

(3).  Melts  if  given  special  treatment

(4).  Bitter  if  incorrectly  used

(5).  Found  in  various  states  ranging  from  virgin  metal  to  common  ore

(6).  Yields  to  pressure  applied  to  correct  points

 Chemical  Properties

(1). Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and  precious  stones

(2). Absorbs  great  quantities  of  expensive  substances

(3). May  explode  without  prior  warning  and  for  no  know  reason

(4). Insoluble  in  liquids  but  activity  greatly  increased  by  saturation  in  alcohol

(5). Most  powerful  money  reducing  agent  known  to  man

Common  Uses

(1). Highly  ornamental  especially  in  sports  cars

(2). Can  be  a  great  aid  to  relaxation

Tests

(1). Pure  speciman  turns  rosy  pink  when  discovered  in  natural  state

(2). Turns  green  when  placed  beside  better  specimen

Hazards

(1). Highly  dangerous  except  in  experienced  hands

(2). Illegal  to  possess  more  then  one

8):):D:lol::lol::lol:

Ingredients

(1)   Fur-lined mixing bowl

(2)  Firm banana

(3) Two Laughing eyes

(4) Two well shaped legs

(5) Two loving arms

(6) Two firm milk  containers

(7) Two nuts.

Method

A.   Look  into  laughing  eyes

B.   Spread  well  shaped  legs

C.   Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger.

D.  Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm banana

E.  Add firm banana to fur-lined mixing bowl gently, work in and out until well creamed. For best results continue to knead milk containers.

F.  As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur-lined mixing bowl, cover with nuts, sigh with relief. Leave to soak.  (Preferably not overnight.)

G.  The cake is cooked when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat method or change mixing bowls.

H.   If in unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash utensils carefully after use.

NOTE.

Do not lick mixing bowl after banana softens.

If cake  ' rises ' , leave town as soon as possible.8):lol:

Seven  wise  men  made  up  their  minds  to  make  a  fanny  of  their  own  design. The First  was  a  carpenter  full  of  wit  with  a  mallet  and  a  chisel  he  made  a  slit. The Second  was  a  blacksmith  blacker  then  coal  with  a  mallet  and  hammer  he  made  a  hole.  The  Third  was  a  tailor  long  and  thin  with  a  piece  of  red  bibbon  he  lined  it  within.  The  Forth  was  a  furrier  big  and  stout  with  the  fur  of  a  cat  he  lined  it  without.  The  Fifth  was  a  fisherman  old  and  bent  with  a  rotten  old  herring  he  gave  it  a  scent. The  Sixth  was  a  pracher  with  a  B.A.  degree  he  blessed  it  stroked  it  and  said  it  could  pee.  The  Seventh  was  a  rabbi  a  mean  little  runt  he  fu***d  it  and  blessed  it  and  called  it  a  c**t.

8):):D:lol: A  young  man  on  a  flight  to  EAST  MIDLANDS  AIRPORT  was  suddenly  taken  short,  he  was  standing  outside  the  "GENTS"  in  a  very  uncomfortable  state  when  the  air-hostess  noticed  his  plight,  she  suggested  that  he  should  go  into  the  "LADIES"  which  was  unoccupied  but  gave  him  a  WARNING  not  to  touch  any  of  the  buttons  on  the  wall  which  were  marked  BW, WA, PP, and  ATR,  When  he  had  finished  his  function  his  curiosity  got  the  better  of  him  and  he  pushed  the  first  button  "BW"  where  upon  a  spray  of  warm  water  washed  his  bottom.  He  thought  this  was  great  so  he  pushed  the  second  button  "WA".  The  result  was  a  stream  of  warm  air  to  dry  his  bottom  off.  He  was  really  enjoying  this  so  he  pushed  the  third  button  "PP"  to  find  at  his  amazement  a  big  powder-puff  powdering  his  bottom.  He  was  thinking  how  well  british  airways  looked  after  their  lady  passengers  when  he  pressed  the  fourth  button  "ATR".  Few  days  later  he  woke  up  in  is  local  hospital  and  asked  the  nurse  what  had  happened,  she  said, "you  were  in  the  ladies  on  a  boeing  747  and  pushed  the  button  marked  "ATR".  This  is  an  automatic  Tampax  Remover.  you're  penis  is  under  the  pillow  and  you're  testicles  are  in  the  bucket  at  the  side  of  the  bed".  :o:?

I  am  BLACK

I  was  born  BLACK.

When  I  go  out  in  the  sun, I  am  still  BLACK.

When  I  am  sick,  I  am  still  BLACK.

When  I  am  Dying,   I  am  BLACK.

You  are  WHITE.

You  are  born  PINK.

When  you  go  out  in  the  sun, you  turn  RED.

Then  you go BROWN.

When you get sick, you turn WHITE.

When  you  are Dying,  you  turn  GREY.

When  they  bury  you, you  are  PURPLE.

And  you've  got  the  flipping Nerve to  call  me  COLOURED.

Don't just read about it. Do some bloody thing about it. DO IT TODAY Because you might not be able to do it tomorrow  Like  I  was saying    It  was  late  one  night   the  moon  shone  Bright  I  WAS  Passing  by the   cemetery     CEMETERY   when  a  touch  on  the   cheek      left   me  feeling  weak  that  when  I   met   VAMPIRE  Mary      Eye's    of  RED  Lips  of    Blue  a  laugh  like  gargling  water I CAR'NT  RESIST A Passionate  kiss     I'm in Love with the VAMPIRE'S  Daughter  I said with  a  grin  your  looking  thin   Will   you   parden  my intrusions I  said  with  a  grin    your  looking  thin    you could  do  with  a  BLOOD TRANSFUSION   

A journalist and a programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The journalist leans over to the programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The journalist persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer,you pay me £5. Then, you ask me a question. If I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £5." Again, the programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The journalist by now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5 and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £50!" This catches the programmer's attention and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The journalist asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a £5 bill and hands it to the journalist. Now, it's the programmer's turn. He asks the journalist, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The journalist looks at him, puzzled. He takes out his lap top computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends email to all of his colleagues -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the programmer and hands him £50. The programmer politely takes the £50 and turns away, to try to get back to sleep. The journalist, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks,"Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the journalist £5 and turns away, to get back to sleep. 

Well.... I  went out to day to do some shopping, like you  do you know, once a week to do the big shop. Get everything in food wise, and I thought to myself like you do!!! Why not treat  yourself to a new Game. I thought for a moment.....what a good ider why don't you get yourself the Oblivion.....So  I did. So when I got home I loaded the game onto my computer and I've only just now stoped for a break, I look  at the time and saw that it was 03:00hrs in the morning so I've only been playing the game flat out for 11hrs  ZZzzzzz! But what a Mega Awesome Game it is to Play Love it.

8) I  think  gamespot  as  caused  a bit  of  a  Stir  what  with the Emblem's  being  taken  away  is there a  reason  for  it  I  ask  myself......:-  Well  yes  there  is,  these  emblems  were  removed  because  of  abuse  of  Reader  Review  System  and  Plagiarism.  But  there  again  there  seem's  to  be a  lot  of  members  that   have  missed  out.  Will  they  be  coming  back  I   hear  myself  saying.......Well  to  be  honest  I  am  not  too  sure  at  this  given  time. May  be  they  will  be  making  some  new  reviewers  badger's  soon  do  you  think,  lets  hope  so  to  replace  the  one's  that  have  been  taken  a way!  We  shall  see.