Bianca's 100% right, and it's refreshing to see someone finally understand this. Do people really think it's so simple to just "be confident"? I don't choose not to be confident, I'm just not confident. It's like telling someone who just lost their entire family in an air crash to "be happy". I've tried to be confident my entire life. I suspect it's due to lack of self-esteem. I've tried everything....CBT, exposure therapy, exercising every day and taking care of myself and my appearance, hypnotization, volunteering, meds....nothing has worked. I've been doing this for 18 years and the best thing I've found that helps is chugging a few shots of vodka before I head out for the day.
Lack of the big C seems to be the ultimate cardinal sin. You can be anything--arrogant, conceited, even abusive, and these are all tolerable. But no confidence.....no dice no matter how much other good things you have going on. I lack confidence to such a degree that simply interacting with people is difficult. Women are a laughable prospect at this point. I'm not yet giving up but am coming to peace with the notion that I may very well be alone for the rest of my life. But that's not a choice that I'm willingly making, despite what some people believe. I do try. My social ineptitude has led me to the brink of suicide a few times because I've tried so many things and am finding it's hopeless. It is incredibly, INCREDIBLY difficult to see people around you starting and progressing in relationships (especially people that are over a decade younger) while I struggle to maintain a simple conversation.
Confidence is not a matter of choice in the slightest. It is a manifestation in one's personality that grows and builds from and upon positive, reinforcing experiences, just like everything we go through in life holds a very relevant impact on who we become. And those who lack those experiences in some way end up with no feeling of worth and hence no confidence. One can choose actions to help raise their esteem and therefor increase their confidence level (being great at what you do, having success at talking to women), but it's a gradual growing process and not a flip of the light switch brought on through sheer willpower.
Many would probably laugh if they saw me try to approach a woman. They are not only disinterested, some are outright hostile and even greet me with mockery. And every single one of them removes themselves from my presence ASAP. This, unfortunately, has turned me towards misogynism and just not giving a f*ck anymore. I understand this stems from my own personal failings and am projecting self-loathing onto the object of my incompetence, but can't help it. After you keep trying and trying, frustration blossoms into extreme anger and rage at the lack of success. Actually, one of the few things that gives me confidence is anger, because I disregard and don't care what happens to me when angry. At times like these I find women become very interested. But I don't think that's true confidence, just not caring.
I don't care about pouring out my soul on this forum in such an emo, sob story, feel sorry for myself fashion (I really don't feel sorry for myself, just stating facts). I know no one one here personally and don't care if people roll their eyes and dismiss me as a loser which I'm sure many will. Perhaps. In the realm of social aptitude I can see no other fitting definition and would have to agree. In the end, I'm getting to be OK with being alone, though I intensely miss and crave physical intimacy.
So to those of you who can't understand how someone can't be confident, stop and think about this. People don't choose to be unconfident any more than they choose their gender. It's something that comes from "dysfunctional" development and experiences.
Log in to comment