Bathrooms in general drive me nuts. Just the fact that I have to go at all is a nuisance; I mean seriously, who designed this body? You'd think an Omniscient, Omnipotent Being would be able to create a more efficient digestive system for Its supposedly greatest creation. Even the DeLorean had Mr. Fusion, all I've got is Mr. Intestine.
Mr. Fusion: More efficient than you AND powers a Flux Capacitor
I need to stop whatever I'm doing a dozen times a day between eating, urinating, and pooping. Don't get me wrong, eating has its benefits, but those benefits end pretty much as soon as the food leaves my mouth; hopefully on its way to my stomach. Then you add other people to the mix - whether it's a public bathroom or your own toilet that guests are using - and it's just a recipe for disaster.
For one thing, I've never understood why men almost always wash their hands after they take a leak. Think about it: In the morning you wake up and take a shower, dry off, maybe put on a little baby powder or something, pull on your underwear or panties (don't judge me) and pants, and head off. Basically, your man parts are protected from any external interference until you need to hit the head. Once you do, you go into the bathroom and aim your man parts (or woman parts; you ladies are tricky, I've come to find out). Aiming usually requires at least one hand, possibly two; in which case, wow, I'm impressed. Anyway, if you don't wash your hands first you've just contaminated the Captain. Whatever doorknobs you've touched, hands you've shaken, documents you've exchanged, or phones you've picked up: Your Wee Man is now tainted. If you wash your hands when you first go into the bathroom, though, then He stays pristine for what could - in theory - be forever.
Speaking of phones: They're gross. Did you know cell phones have more germs than the average toilet seat? All that contact with your sweaty, germy hands and face, and then we store it in a nice, warm place; like our pocket. It's much harder to put a toilet seat in your pocket. It's even worse, though, when you combine bathrooms with phones. I don't know if I've sat down to take a dump in a public bathroom this year without someone in another stall tapping away, texting on their phone.
If only there was some way to close it using the power of my mind
Sure, you don't wipe your butt with the phone, at least I hope not, but think about it:
- You push open the door or turn the knob to get into the bathroom
- you push open the stall door
- then turn around and latch it behind you.
The second you touch that latch, you have also touched the fecal-ridden hands of every human being that has ever unlatched that stall before you. After you close that latch, you sit down and defecate (defecate is such a fun word), take out your cell phone, and merrily text away to your BFF that "LOL UNIFOC TDTM!" Finishing your business, you close you phone, wipe up, help further contaminate the latch by opening the stall, wash up in the sink, and head out. You're clean! Ah, but then you take out your filthy phone - that you used on the toilet - and contaminate yourself all over again!
I don't want you to misunderstand, though, that only the filthy people infuriate me. There's a whole rainbow of disgustingly clean people out there, too. I must have waited five minutes for one guy to wash his hands. I'm not sure what he was doing in there before me, but rest assured I was so confident that his hands were clean I would have eaten my next meal out of his them if he'd asked.
Then you've got the people that stand in front of the mirror decide to groom themselves like a cat. That makes sense at home, but in a busy public restroom? Do you really need to comb your hair at the rest stop on a highway? And why are you carrying a comb, exactly; is this the '80's? At any moment you're going to pull a handkerchief out of your pocket to blow your nose, I know it! Seriously, though, you look good enough to drive the remaining two hours to Mom's house, you don't need to show me how pretty you are before you buy your value meal and head back to your car.
But hey, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the weirdo because I don't wipe my boogers on the bathroom stall. It could be that only freaks zip up their pants before turning to face away from the urinal. Am I not supposed to knock before trying to enter the bathroom? Because I seem to be the only one.
This image has nothing to do with this entry, but isn't it cute?
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