Just with any review I'd do nowadays. There's just one rule, two if you'd count the rule where I am not allowed to cuss like a drunken redneck. Anyway, that rule is. No love for hype. In other words, and more simple words; No positivity.

I'm still serious here and there, and when there's enough goodies to say "Buy it", then I'd say "buy it". I'm no professional reviewer, I'm a professional game breaker. But keep in mind, your stubborn little mind, that it's no positivity. Only. The. Bad. Bits. And. Humor. Mkay.

"Bring Down the Sky DLC"

The price, to begin with.

Basicly, you pay roughly 2 bucks for 90 minutes of gameplay. And if you're skilled at Mass Effect, where you'd be able to move around your character, yap like an interviewer and gloat at all the fancy ladies that walk around... You'd soon enough discover than 90 minutes actually feels like a kick in the sack.

In my case, I went through the DLC within half an hour. Great way to start it. And end it after half the time it took the shrink to consider Jack Nicholson insane.

Have you ever raced a race where the finish line would be six yards away from the starting line and everyone seemed to look like I was the idiot of saying "Isn't it supposed to lie a helluva' lot further away?"...?

Everytime I seem to question the fact that it's supposed to be 90 minutes long, every fanboy from New York to Alberquerque looks at me as if I'm asking a whole ****ing game. "It's a few bucks dude! It's bang for your buck!".

C'mon you hypocritical fanboys, if Mass Effect DLC is supposed to give me "More bang for my buck", then I'd say it's a s***ty little rubber duck slowly defloating with an airhole right at the dark spot. Hillary Clinton letting loose a tip of gas. A baby burp after twohundred of slaps on the red-slapped back of the thing.

This DLC brings a new statement, point and consideration to the words: "Short", "Overvalued" and "Timing".

The timing is comparable to beating a dead horse with a pixie-stick. Overvalued is 400MS Points for something that lasts as long as Chris Farley's hunger strike. Short is for something that nails it straight on the head of being the shortest bit of DLC ever made.

I knew that I shouldn't expect much. But they really, really, and I mean REALLY had to make it THIS shallow? Bring Down Some Entertainment, cause this is a re-run of half of the side-missions I completed in the main game itself already.

But enough about how short it is, which is... Pretty goddamn short. The DLC itself... It's shallow and still 90 minutes long? Well, the planet is under siege by an amazing number of THREE fire-power things, with THREE bases filled with enemies. Basicly, that's the main mission.

Shut those things down before the astroid, which you're on, hits the planet, which it's aiming for. Well, if you're guessing how big this astroid is. It's the size of a goddamn rock you pick up from the roadside. And you can imagine, it takes a five minute drive to walk past all three of 'em.

What has BioWare done to stop us from running through this mission within 10 minutes?

Oh, they just placed three heavy armored and at-a-distance-covered turrets that fire 2 RPG's per second, at the first rocket-thing. Then five at the second, including Anti-Vehicle-Bombs, that will slow you down and get you killed instantly if you let your jackasses of a bunch of allies walk into them.

... And then there's seven at the third. They can kill you within 8 hits.

So, they made in insanely hard for us to move from location to location. Okidoki. I played it on Hardcore from the first two turrets, then switched to easy as those damn things kept shredding me. And still I managed to do it within 30 minutes. The shutting down procedure is a one-minute job.

Run in, kill all ten dudes with guns. Pull a switch. Listen to some broad. Go to the next. Repeat three times.

Then it's a simple boss-fight in a bigger underground base with a huge tree in the middle. Holy. ****ing. Crap. The actually spend some time creating the boss lair? Impossible? Well, infact it's still an repeated area as both sides(front, and back) are exactly the same.

Save the hostages, and finí.

Oh, and there's one, tiny, little excuse of an side-question aswell. Save the missing engineers. Christ, if locating an X-on-the-map's supposed to be the big thing, then scrap me from the Entertainment list.

The only thing you do is go from location to location, on an floating rock that generally looks exactly the same at every turn, that has been made insanely hard by placing those damn turrets all over the place. And you fight some strange 4-eyed dudes you call "Batarians", with strange 4-eyes ant eaters that attack you on command and make some strange sound as if a baby is getting strangled.

Seems like humans pissed them off sometime ago, but then again, we hate eachother already. Can you blame them Batarians from hating us too?

I'll say it without further notice: Don't buy it unless you're an achievement whore craving for 50G. I wouldn't even suggest this for the Mass Effect fan, it's nothing different than you've done in the side-missions. Honestly.

Y'know, isn't that title just spewing "I R Smartass"? I love it. It even rhymes. And goddamnit, I've been using "Damn" too many times. So, damn "damn" and I'll just take the rooftop exit and silently talk crap about our beloved big man in the sky while shaking my fist.

So, for the first time in history it's "Care". But who gives a damn? That's five times damn, including this one. Yes!

To finally charish the point that I'm done introducing...something, I'll cut to the chase. During the time my PC was gone, I just kept myself busy with doing a little test. One guy told me to stop using the phrase "...In real life" as I'm sitting on my couch, there's no "alternative" life to be found there.

Basicly, I tried to get as many people to respond to some of the average PC phrases. And it's actually a list. And yes, I actually said ALL of these things, to either a friend or a random fella', over Xbox LIVE, on Call of Duty 4. The goal was the response, wether they would accept or say "The hell!?".

"We got raped" - Basicly means "We got owned, big time". Some questioned it... Understandable... Even felt weird saying it.
"...In real life" - Everyone just went along with it. As if I was talking from outterspace.
"Pwn'd!" - I didn't even know how to say it so I went with "Pooowwnnn'd". Everyone yelled along with me. Guuurrreeaaaattt....
"Youtube" - There's VH1, MTV etc... I kept referring music with "Jootchoobuh". No-one found it strange.
"Jeff Gerstmann" - Got more "I know him!" than when I asked "Jeff Bridges".
"IGN" - Everyone knows about IGN... But Call of Duty 4 players in particular.
"Gamespot" - Inmediate counterquestion: "Do you have one?"
"MMORPG" - I actually spelled it out, M-M-O-R-P-G. World of Warcraft is what everyone has nowadays... I shall now prenounce it as "Meh-mor-per-ger".
"LOL" - I said it once at the end of a match, then akward silence followed. 'Nuff said.
"Blog" - I specifically said "I am sooo gonna blog about this", then the discussion of wether I used Blogspot or Blogger started. Christ.

My final test was how many times I could say "Damn" before someone would yell "Shut the **** up!". So, everytime I died I yelled "Damnit!", "Damn!" or "Goddamnit!". 21 deaths later, everyone was cussing as if there was a redneck convention around the corner. Not at me, tough. They were shouting at every death they got aswell. Timing for a Borat "Niiiiccceeee!"

The conclusion?

The conclusion falls: We've nerd-i-fied the online gaming community. Mission Success.
Positive responses: All aside from "LOL" and "Raped".
Negative responses: None. Just awkard moments.

I should've tried this ages ago, man.

After two weeks, I finally got my PC back. Since I'm the installer, I couldn't risk it fixing it.

So... Send it to the same guy who plugged all the hardware into the black cube of massive CPU power. He gave me a nice little status report, showing me how good I can care for my equipment.

- 650$ Nvidia 8800GT 500MB: Fried.
- Onboard IBM motherboard with IntelInside Chipset worth a few hundred bucks: Fried.
- Extra set of silent 200kW Fans he build in for me; 150$ - Jammed.

So, all in all. I only managed to kill three parts. Four, if I'd include screwing Windows XP over.

I installed Windows XP myself, for this single time. And made damn sure my external 400GB HDD was seperate from the main C: driver. But, after doing that... I kinda littered all required documents and stuff all over the 400GB(D/) and the 46GB(C/) hard drives.

Which caused the boot program, Windows to cause... well, in the Army they'd call it "An Unstable Situation". I'd call it "Pushing the **** into the fan yourself". And as soon as I started to overclock Crysis on the unlocked Very High settings(I wanted to see how far I could push it).

The thing became a powersink, and the fans didn't work properly anymore. The thing heated up, started to smell like molten plastic. Give me the blue screen of death multiple times. And then, a day later - Finally deciding to die on me.

That's the conclusion I pulled after the dude told me that I overheated the thing badly by turning the thing into the biggest power draining machine you can find on the northern tip of Manhattan. I still have to recieve the power bill of March, but looking at a half-blackened fan of a Nvidia 8800GT, I'd say we're talking around the average what Paris Hilton uses to dry her hair.

Good thing I paid 50 bucks extra for five years of insured and free repairs.

And damn, I must be good if I'm capable of screwing a 1000$+ computer over within two months. Not only did I fry three components, I also killed Windows XP while I was at it. Note to public: Never set an Internet Engineer loose on a mission to install Windows XP, and overclock several games.

Edit: Seems what I did to kill XP, protected my 400GB HDD afterall. Even after this punishment, I still have ALL my files eft unharmed on the 400GB HDD. Victory!

Like promised... I would get back at it as soon as I got bored from it. And it's been like five days since I bought it. Not too shabby for an online-focused game. And since I only got to expirience Online Coop just once, with Thorpe89. The only guy who has the EU version out of 89 friends on my friends list(I call it the list of "Whom I Shall Annoy").

Since that was also the first time I actually played the story... I expected a helluva' lot more from that jackass I need to consider my AI Partner.

All in all... I'll just have to note that I'm now yanking the bad stuff up from the deep, based on the single player experience.

Army of Two.

Considering the hype, it's worth an hefty crackdown. Especially after how many times Electronic Arts had to calm the crowd with a nice "OKAY! IT IS DELAYED! NOW SHUT THE **** UP AND GO HOME PEOPLE!". This game is far from perfect, and I mean far. Like I said yesterday and also in the blog before yesterday's one; These games are God. Promised more than they can make true.

And Army of Two... Yeah... What can I say, dude...

Say, I can easily sum it up for you by saying; Take your girlfriend, or if you're single... Your parents/friends out for a nice dinner at an Olive Garden. Rack up a bill of 65 dollar(...which is faster if you'd bring her/it/him to a 7/11, but hell.). Then, yell that it's enough, pay the cheque and run away.

That experience will last you five hours of akwardness, strange conversations you'd normally not even discuss outside of the bedroom/dungeon, more peeks at the clock than you've ever done before and inside-your-mind "I wish I could've hung you up by your hair..." thoughts.

Army of Two is similiar on any point. It's around the five hours long. Elliot Salem talks in the way that made me say "What the?" atloud. Halfway through the most levels, you'd beg for a chopper to pick you up. And inside your mind, you'd love to punish Rios for his dumbassery and suicidal lifest.yle.

Now to the specific points;

Graphics: While they're overall, great... The cutscenes are superb. But what caught my eye was the ALL characters either seem to sweat like a fat lady on a uphill biking session, or they are natuarlly very glossy. The game also loves to trow sunlight at you at blinding sense.

The final mission, Miami. Yes. That is not a spoiler. The game itself spoils that for you from the beginning. Ignorant story reader. The mission is set in a destroyed Miami, flooded by a hurricane that was category F5 when it struck. For some reason, the sun shines while it's raining like hell.

And with shines, I mean... It's just bright as hell. Even animated rays are added through windows. The game was giving the impression of a destroyed and ****ed over Miami. But at the same time the developers tried to give the "... Don't worry. Look at the sun. That thing isn't gonna kill us for another 25 years."

Not to mention, the animations of walking characters in cutscenes look like they have somesort of strange disease that almost makes you giggle out of misery.

Story: The concept is what made it interesting. It just afterall, seems to be a conspiracy theory from one of those 9-11/Iraq Conspiracy Theorists. The US Army is about to get replaced by Soldiers of Fortune. They do the nasty s**t for us, and at the same time they do it better than the Army.

The SSC is specialized in these dudes. And tries to go for playin' Monopoly with that Drill Chief from Full Metal Jacket. Neither the good guys or the bad guys are good enough to be interesting.

Infact, if you ask me... It was better to give all characters but Salem and Rios T-shirts with text in huge black letters;

"I WILL EITHER DIE OR STAB BACKS!".

Characters: ... Since they are such a handfull of douches. I honor them their own specific category. Elliot Salem is the supposed to be younger guy. Aimed to look like 25. Aimed to act like 5. Tyson Rios is the hardass guy, who walked straight from The Conspiracy of the US convention. He's aimed to look 40. Probally aimed to act like 85, counting mental speed; 105.

The next time I hear somebody say "Bro" with the sound as if the dude's been on MySpace for the past sixteen years... Someone will die.

Oh, and conspracy theories are for us geeks. Not for the warmongers. Aren't soldiers supposed to think with their trigger finger? I have yelled "Get your head out of your ass Rios" tons of times.

AI: Since I played the Single Player campaign most, this is gonna get heavy... IGN already mentioned that Rios' AI isn't that good. But hotdamn! He's the crappiest partner I have been teamed up with in a long time. I like to charge and die. Rios then has to drag my lazy ass from the floor, out of the heat and revive me.

9 out of 10 times, he drags my body to safety but exposes himself. Thus getting shot. Thus not being able of helping me. And then by the time I've heard "Elliot, I cant take it no more!" ten times, he finally dies so I can restart and do it well this time.

He's... Alright at shooting now and then, and running into bullets is his favorite thing. Y'know.

Enemy AI: This one is so evil it also deserves it's own category.

All I can say is; The AI's got somesort of super telescopic sight eyes, and sniper gun-like shotguns/AR's. They can manage to hit me most of the time when blind firing. Other than that, they are useless barricades. They run from barrier, to barrier. They only take cover and blindfire until I'm finally there to murder them. Their predetermined survival instincts include; Take cover. Blindfire at 85% accuracy. Die.

... No, really. They are God, Allah and Zen at shooting. They are Crap, Junk and Milk at everything else.

Voice Acting: Seperate category on my request... Can I slap Salem's voice actor? Please? I'll pay five bucks for it. Oh, make it twenty if I can slap the scriptwriter while were at it.

Sound: Good... But by the time you've finished your first campaign runthrough, I was jamming the menu music with The Stones' Start Me Up. The gunsounds are horrible. They are all the same. Each category has either just one, or when you're lucky, two sounds for guns. All AR's are the same, there's two for SMG's and Pistols. All snipers sound the same. Shotguns too. Blablabla.

Gameplay: Almost thought that I forgot about it, eh? No.

The game brings new stuff to the table. You need eachother, for once. But to keep it short, it feels restricted. You can only do coop stuff at pre-selected points. I'll rephrase it to make it hurt EA: The game only allows you to use eachother at preset points. That counts for all 2-player jobs.

It's shorter than Call of Duty 4. It's got some of the most linear "Follow Arrow and Succeed" gameplay with "Kill everything that moves" in the meantime.

None of the guns actually shoot like they should. None of the guns are accurate but the sniper rifles. And EVERY SINGLE GUN has an akward rate of fire that just doesnt make any sense. A bullet sprayer like the P90 shoots as slow as the M16A1(SYSTEM-S).

I guess in the end Army of Two delivered something new, but failed to make it work. They seemed to take the time, but still didn't create it as they told us it would. They had all oppertunity to make so much more out of it. So... Much... More...

And Gen_Warbuff was right. There is a s***load wrong with this game, a s***load. This game's got so many flaws that it's got it's own bad-stuff review. I just point out the bad stuff. Only the bad stuff. ONLY. THE. BAD. STUFF. And I've got a blog the length of a $4.99 Readers Digest!

And I agree with the scores most reviewers have given; IGN gave it a 7.9 and GameTrailers a 7.1. I completely agree.

G.S: Delayed until the day Wii games won't get priority, AKA - Never.
BDR: 7.0

The blog that lives up in the spirit of slamdunking the good bits of the game, and brooming the bad bits back together. Starting off with a good counterargument brought by nweasel on Assassin's Creed. The game brings new stuff to the table. True. Lemme break it to shards; In my case, once I was halfway through - It felt like it was copied from the stoneage.

But, I can go on and on about how much I didn't like Assassin's Creed in the long run...

I've got three games to crack down on. I'm shoving the good bits aside, and break down on how much bad stuff there is in a game that's supposed to be God. Starting with:

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.

I shall not shove three massive good points of Call of Duty 4 aside. Which are;

A - The gunplay in this game is beyond perfect. It's almost as if you are shooting an rifle in real. I've tried alot of rifles on gun ranges, and this game gets as close as it can at simulating a gun.
B - The game's online is twice as good as Halo 3. It's got weapon customization, everything from basic Death Match to Sabotage. And it also has the old school hyper-active ragdoll & gun-pick up from older FPS games. Along with Hardcore Deatchmatch, which is twice as difficult as a normal Deathmatch(no HUD, more damaging weapons and friendly fire on).
C - While the game's shorter than short. I've never played something so intense, and so chaotic in my life. That's why the sudden ending feels like a pimp slap with a yell "SEEEQUEEEELLLLL!".

But, right now... Bashing time. With the first thing anyone just can't like; The short single player.
It's 6-8 hours long. With two factions. SAS and USMC. While the USMC, like usual... Has to wave the flag of "WE SHALL WIN!". The SAS is the crapsweeper on the background. I actually liked that the Brittish weren't set in such a stereotypical light.

But there's two things about them SAS-er's that just made me wonder wether they ran off from Drug Rehab;

Price's 'stache which is so stolen from 1911 Captains.
The team's temper. *picks up a cellphone, and headshots the guy sitting in a chair*. Hah. Stereotypes.

The USMC on the other hand. Well, the game simulates a great deal of how we're doing in Iraq. Which goes completely head on into the stoneold promise that every single developer would let Americans win. Cause we havn't won a single damn war since the Normandy Breakout.

Okay, so the SAS are pictured as a bunch of hotheaded dudes who apperiantly disgust the idea of a razor, or being in 2008. The USMC gets an ACCESS DENIED on winning another war. And there's no happy ever after in this game either.

7 hours of "JACKSON! GET YOUR ASS UP ON THE HILL!". 7 hours of endless 'staches. 7 hours of pure golden dialogue by cheesy Brits. And the best annoying dialogue during one mission. Yes, that can be achieved. "We've got a runner. Hotdamn! You gonna get him? Nice. Is shot! We've got a runner. Gun ready! Hotdamn!".

The Multiplayer should go on without much words. The balancing is so well done, that when you start, you already have some of the finest weapons. There are no big and major advantages and such when you improve ranks. Tons of guns you can unlock. And the killing spree's are rewarded like they should.

Aside from the game being so damn short, and the ending being so... Well, not to make a spoiler - Harsh. The game can't be cracked down on. It's hype was paying off.

This is a sad day for me, Infinity Ward has beaten me.

G.S: 9.0
BDR: 9.5

Oi, Suzy!

Crysis.

Another shooter.

The complete opposite of Call of Duty 4. The game focuses on SP, as it should. I won't go on and on about the graphics. We all know, they are the best you can get. I know. You know. We all know. So, skipping all the good bits. Straight to the bad.

The game's plot's kinda shabby. You're going in with the USMC, Navy Seals, a bunch of badass dudes in high-tech suits, half of the US F-16's and a crapload of aircraft carriers. You've got half of the US Army standing right outside of Korea.

What does the enemy have? ... Yakkie-sakkie, rusty Anti-Air platoons and a bunch of AK's.

While you're bulldozing the Koreans with all force you can imagine. The balancing is done with seventeen elephants standing in for the US side, and a small monkey filling in for the Koreans. What did Crytek do to fix this issue? Well, your Nanosuit's aborbs bullets like a sponge and you bleed like a slit wrist.

Yah, Fission Mailed!

Okay, since you're basicly God. Your PC ain't. It will cough up blood. And if you'd like a PC that doesn't suffer from the inhumane treatment of Crysis; You'll have to sell your soul on eBay will you waste a buck on a cube with green plates in it.

What else can I say about this game that isn't good? Tons. First off; I lol'd the first time I saw Psycho. He's the worst, and crappiest immitation of a Brit I've seen in my life. It's so underpreformed that it's priceless and you wanna snatch a bag of popcorn while you're at it. Second is; The way Crysis uses it's surroundings. Crytek had all oppertunity to give the game some more travelling.

Instead, they marked everything off with a road-to-road connection as if you're on the Interstate System here in the U.S.

The third is: Vehicles.

The way Crysis portray's vehicles is a pile of C4, gasoline and matches on four wheels. If your last resort would've been speeding away from the scene. You're better off chucking a grenade between your feet. They handle pretty well, tough. But collision detection and worst of all damage-systems, they are to say the least - ****ed up. Have you ever driven a vehicle that is seen as a bulletsponge with a nuclear bomb as engine? The thing says boom after five seconds of bullets.

Fourth is: AI.

Maybe it's just to giggle around with the Koreans. But I'll bet they aren't a bunch of dumb****s who thought they walked into the Cookie store but ended up in the Army. They run around like headless chickens, take cover behind destroyed objects and flee at walking speed.

Better yet, I can easily say that the AI of the actual chickens in the game is better than the AI of the Koreans.

Fifth is: Story and Freedom.

While you're getting the hang of the game, you're given just about as much freedom as you get in GTA. By the time you actually play like it should be played; Your freedom is taken away like a crying child from his mother. By the time you run into the alien-thing-dudes, you'll walk linear paths even a blind man can't get lost on.

The multiplayer is pure carnage. But misses Team Deathmatch. I've managed to make a Team Deathmatch by screwing the idea of Power Struggle over and yank out the DM element from that. Sadly, the Crytek crew didn't felt like completing a two hour job.

All in all, it's storyline is pretty long. Not all that long, but long enough to be forgivable when it ends. Freedom gets taken hostage after you run into the squid-thing-alien-somethings. The AI takes the meaning from "Dumbass" and merges it with Retard in a negative way. And the MP is half finished.

Crytek is forgiven thanks to the Sandbox 2 Editor that allows us to solve the problems ourselfs, tough. I'm not too lazy to fix their issues.

G.S: 9.5
BDR: 9.0

Army of Two.

I uhh... Managed to buy an NTSC region copy, which is perfectly normal. But for some reason it's got (EU) at the end and disallows me to play with no-one else but Europeans. Called EA and they didn't even knew what I was talking about.

I already went through the single player story three times now. And I'm gonna exchange it for Rainbow Six Vegas 2 at the end of the month. Since they don't want to give me my cash back, the only thing I can do is exchange it for something that isn't flawed, restriced and something that doesn't make me feel like EA's trying to re-create Nazi Germany with locale's and regions.

Expect me to get back at it as soon as I'm tired of it. That'll be... Tuesday.

G.S: Delayed 'til Kingdom Come...
BDR: Dissapointed in EA's masterpiece...phailure...middle-something.

Six games. Six times mass advertising. Six times "... If you don't see, I will be execute.". If there's something I won't do anymore, it's promote games that are half good. GameSpot nowaday posts up scores that don't fit with the review. Or sometimes the whole review sounds like "Uhh... Microsoft just delivered the cash, I think we'll have to do a good word now, eh?".

Assassin's Creed.

I did this one the other day, and I'm doing it again. I have a hard time understanding how this game is better than Mass Effect(which is in the long run, worthy of it's 8.5). Better yet, I almost have the urge to call Kevin VanOrd a knucklehead for tagging this game off with the most original line I've heard in a review, ever.

"This is an experience you will talk about with your friends and family, for a long time".

Sorry, but after five hours into the game. I felt like SELLING it to my friends and family for a budget price. Ubisoft has repeated the progress of five hour missions, twenty times. Repetive? Strangely enough, Kevin never mentioned the game to be so linear you'd have a hard time not to beat the living **** out of every single civillian just to entertain yourself.

I won't deny that the concept of this game is gold. But it ain't. Why? If Ubisoft wasn't such a backtracking fool for saying that quicktime events and the repeating of every single task equals awesomeness... I would've given them my Hell inspired soul for creating Rainbow Six Vegas 2. And my unwashed ten year old socks for pushing out Assassin's Creed while it's half done.

And since I dragged Mass Effect into this somewhat-of-a-review already, I might aswell finish with it. If I finally get to kill my target. After tons of repeated crappy tasks. After hours of dull half-thought out and under educated dialogue. After days of running from guards who got the hots for me cause I went 4MPH on my horse...

I stab the son of a ***** in his neck, and the moron's gonna spill out his life story as if I got the Discovery Channel Documentary Crew with me. Is this Mass Effect with a touch of FISSION MAILED? Button torture... Repeated tasks... Sloppy dialogue... Life stories at the touch of a button...

It's Assmassings Effect.

Oh, and since this whole blog is against hype fuelled games. Go ahead and disagree. I quite frankly don't care. And the reason for that is; All these games are "You hate it. Or you love it.". Opinion sounds very O.J Simpson, so I'll just keep it with that.

G.S - 9.0
BDR - 7.5

Mass Effect.

Since we're already discussing Mass Effect...

Mass Effect was one of the biggest games of '07. And became THE biggest after they had to spill that there was a hot, sweaty, long, boob-filled sex scene included. Well, those stiffies of the gamers were soon to be snapped when it turned out to be side-boob and bare ass for exactly half a second.

While I was pumped for this game since E3 '07, I fell in love with the Mass Effect GameFaqs board, that place was the best ever after the announcement of a porn moment in a video game. But back to the game. It's pro's are fresh dialogue, nice and good looking characters(You will actually care if one decides to go suicidal instead of laugh).

Graphically, like Assassin's Creed. Above good-looking. Altough, the requires a few seconds for the texture layers to pop.

... The bad is what actually made the game.

It's RPG > Action. The game's action part feels like "... Dude, what the hell?". This is one of the crappiest, overvalued, and biggest abuse of a game engine I've seen in my life. The action in action has been taken up the backdoor if you know what I mean...

They really ****ed it up. They really made it feel like you'd miss the endless talking to characters that have too much backstory. The gunplay feels like you're shooting dudes with a SuperSoaker XXL Watergun. Remember that water pistol thing from Dead Rising? That's how the combat feels.

... But the horrible has yet to come. The driving. The Mako drives like a fat midget on a lawnmower with three wheels. No offense to the obese, short people and the lawn mower fan club. What makes it even worse is that you'll have to drive through endless amounts of similiar looking rocks.

Have you heard enough about the craptastic combat? Yes? Well, there's more. But I'll leave that to you.

The backstory the game gives you feels like it's yelling "DID YOU READ THE PROLOGUE BOOKLET!? NO? GO AND BUY IT FROM EBAY YOU CASUAL F***!". Need some explaining...? The little Codex feature the game gives, sort-of a backstory. It's a small cellphone like thing.

...Why is it so hostile then? That's because if you open the damn thing, the goddamn game trows a Readers' Digest in your face. I've never seen so many letters in a single feature of a game, in my life. It's like they crammed Wikipedia in that damn thing. The AI in the game is about as smart as the rotten apple of a dead tree in the Chernobyl Blast Site area. Like you're commanding two halfassed drooldispensers you call allies.

Kevin VanOrd was wrong giving Assassin's Creed a 9.0. He was right giving this one a 8.5. Luckily, the most you'll do is yap and yap with every thing that has a heartbeat. The combat is (thank God!) somewhat rare and short nevertheless.

G.S: 8.5
BDR: 8.5

Halo 3.

To start Halo 3 off before my house gets raided by pissed off fanboys... I will feed you today. I will feed the Halo 3 Fanboys with hate and rage and the urge to kill me. It's the damn truth. This game did jack**** to get the amount of love from EVERY single reviewer.

Gunplay - The guns feel like Fisher Price toys, and the balancing has been done with a 400 pound dude sitting on one side, and a loaf of lightweight bread on the other. No gun feels like a gun. There's not a single, damn gun that feels like it kills people. What has the Halo Community thought of to fix that "Craptastic Gunnies!" problem?

... 'Nade spamming. Grenades, grenades and grenades. Trow two, and shoot to kill. It's something you see EVERYONE do. Fission Mailed at "revolution at gunplay".

AI - The enemies all love to climb on everything to become exposed to every shot that can be fired. That's considered "Taking cover". The so called load of crap that when a Brute gets killed, the horde of jackasses we call Grunts scatter. Dude, I don't even HAVE TO kill the Brute, they'll scatter nevertheless. Suicide bomber Grunts make Middle East Suicide Bombers look pros and they all shoot like they have got an attention span of a squirrel.

The allied AI is just too stupid for words. They charge into every thing that shoots or explodes, they are as helpfull as your apendix, just causes problems. And whenever they take the turret, they are the best of the best. But as soon as they die, it's back to St00pid Village for them. But since the AI in Halo is like a recurring disease, it's been crap since the start.

Graphics - ... Like the 90 other top notch graphic quality games that came out last year. Who the hell said this is a revolution?

Story - Strangely enough, this is the day when Half Life Episode 2's horror elements and Full Metal Jacket's "Run into the bullets boys!" st.yle of finishing a fight. You'll have to play both Halo Combat Evolved and Halo 2 if you'd like to understand a damn thing of it.

Finishing the fight, with misplaced and unwanted horror elements. Strange revenge st.yled story. And the most annoying characters I've ever seen in a cast. The only two I respected were the black guy who looked like the Chief from Predator and Master Chief.

Oh, and since we're cracking down on characters. Tell the voice actor of Jack Carver from Far Cry never to do any Halo games in his career. When I heard Master Chiefs cheesy voice, it reminded me of Kane in Command & Conquer 3. It's identical to Jack Carver's voice, but that dude was a seriously bad ass guy. When I try to imagine the guy behind the mask, I think of a 15 year old in a lumberjack shirt.

While the game remains to scream "I R SERIOUUUSSSS DUDE IN HELMUTT!". I just wonder "... Ran out of money for decent voice acting?". I'm skipping the sound and multiplayer. As the sound was superb, and the multiplayer felt like the balancing of a brick and a feather.

The thing is; The game's getting phraised for being a revolution in FPS territory. C'mon, there's only 600 other titles that share the same spot. They're just not that rich to mass promote to get the attention of two billion fanboys.

G.S: 9.5
BDR: 8.0

Ahhh... There's nothing better than the smell of crushed hopes, angry brains and lots of craptrowing in the mornin'. Next time I'm doing Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, Crysis and Army of Two(if GS doesn't delay the review for two weeks like ALL others).

Well, today I spend eight hours finishing both maps. And dumping them on a USB stick before my PC would crap out on me. Again. Actually, the Frozen level is done since that one requires less detail since it's mostly burning rubble nevertheless.

But there's a drawback when I let my friend test it. He's got the same PC as I got, guess how I became such a techie-geek out of nowhere, I copied his set up. So, I broke my somewhat stable internet connection and hooked it up to my new PC and played a 1-on-1 on Vigilantes Frozen.

We were on a mission to break the map. The first thing I noticed is that I forgot ALL blocking walls. Y'know, the invincible walls that keep players from getting out of the area. Well, I only placed them on the highway in the middle and the new bridge on the south. So he managed to swim away from the map within the first minute.

Second issue was lighting. For some reason, the shades would appear as if it is bright sunny. While there's a pack of clouds that can even hold Rosie O'Donnell and enough snow blocking Sun Rays. Soon would appear that from reading through the help system on the editor a bit, that all uses of the SunRayFactor don't work. So, even at night you'd get strange shades n' all.

Third was, none of the fires can kill you. Y'know, fire's kinda... hot and should hurt. On Vigilantes, you can magically use them as cover.

Fourth was, there's over 200 vehicles on the map. Only 60 of them can be driven. Can you tell an pick up apart from a pick up?

Fifth was, akward smoke. Some were black, some were gray.

Sixth was, punishing driving while the maps made for driving. Small and sharp 90 degree turns with unbreakable objects placed RIGHT after the turn. Kinda forgot that these are the times that detail can richochet right back at ya'.

Seventh was, breakable houses would cause MASSIVE lag cause of the interior. The interior can't be broken, the exterior(the house basicly) can't detect collision with items that are placed inside the meshes of the house. So you'd get a 2 second lag, plus the assplosion of a house. Best of all, which is also the reason why I won't fix this one... Once the thing blows, the parts go everywhere. I was on the other side of the map as a piece of roof strikes my car.

The last, but the most important. Number 8.

The snow, plus the high-end particle effects, plus deep draw distance(which I tried to hide a bit with thick fog to get better preformance), plus 7000 brushes... It's IMPOSSIBLE to get more than 19 FPS out of it. My friend plays at Very High settings, and he's got dips to 8FPS. And not getting more than 18FPS.

I play at High settings(Got XP), and I get dips to 12FPS and the most is 40(when I stare at the damn floor, that is.).

Now here's why I wrote this blog:

Since this map is a slideshow to play... What about this for a change, I put it up for download. Give a feedback e-mail adress and let players play and find out what they found out for the sake of the whole thing? And with that, what kind of set ups they have to play with.

I'm now doing all I can to get a better preformance out of it, like turning the fog up a notch, setting the snow down a notch and letting the game not draw fires and smoke until you're less than 700 yards away from it.

So, the icebreaker; Anyone who has Crysis, and can play online... Up for beta testing a map? (Yes, Homes225. I am indeed looking at you. I will put my Uncle Sam hat and finger-point down once you accept or reject.)

The title works perfectly with what I did out of pure agression that magically fixed my computer. I didn't smack the thing(ala Xbox 360 #5), and neither did I kick the thing off a table(ala Xbox 360 #7). I smacked my fists on the table, after I turned it off. I try it one more time and it just boots Windows as if nothing were wrong.

... Tough I did get the "Windows Recovered from a serious issue, system has created a backview file" thing.

Nevertheless, I took the oppertunity and tried World in Conflict, which I bought a few days ago. According to Jason O'Campo. One of the few veteran reviewers I kept trust in after Jeff's dismission. He also left, along with Ryan, Alex and Tim after Jeff got fired. Seems like all reviewers I kept fate in left, along with the honesty of GameSpot(tough Tracy wasn't a reviewer, he was like Jeff was "Couchsitter" at OTS... He's there for the hell of it. And we love it.).

... Before I sink into the corruption from the inside out, back to World in Conflict. Like Jason said, it's easy to lose track of time while you're playing. I nailed the 6 hours even before I reached the sixth mission. And then I played Multiplayer for another hour.

What really got me with this game is it's fake, yet so true storyline. The USSR and the USA did point fingers at eachother during the 80's, and if it weren't for the fall of the Iron Curtain, World War 3 could've started even before Bush Sr. could send everything to the Oil Fields in Iraq in 1990.

The story feels simple. And with most war games, it should be. Why? If you're trying to pull an BioShock on something as simple as "There's two power greedy countries facin' eachother...". The only backstory that could've been the reason for either one to invade would be the USSR almost curing cancer, and the US sending people into space.

While the game's an RTS, with the cutscenes I felt like "Dude... Shouldn't I be there?", but nevertheless... The game's completely awesome. I adore the freedom the game gives, especially when it comes to attacking. No economy building, no waiting for upgrades... It's as soon as you can airdrop the units, the biggest weapons with legs' n' wheels are deployed.

And with that, the carnage of destroying an entire map of it's scenery is already easy with just the standard units. Try to rack up enough points so you can turn the tide in an match... How? Well, after enough killing. You can set an nuclear warhead to aim for the enemy.

And I swear to God, even with the crazy(yet impressive) AI, when you put them to agressive and create a 8-on-8 with 15 AI and just you... Carpet bombs, nuclear bombs, Daisy bombs... It's the tool of turning the tide in a match that barely can end. Not to mention that the AI will drop carpet bombs after a while of carnage.

Since I barely play PC games online, I did an 8-on-8 with 15 AI. All set to agressive. Me on USA, versus the USSR. On a map that is called Hometown. After countless of killing, I recieved enough points for an nuclear attack. I directed it to the middle of the map, where USSR was dominating, along with half of my AI buddies battling on the fields.

I sorta whiped enough units out to make the AI retreat and managed to whipe out just about any allied vehicle in the vicinity. And with that attack, we lost since I blew our team to bits and pieces. With the recovering points for units, it all soon enough started rolling again. But the remaning USSR forces were strong enough to take our last two controlled points over

A story so simple that it's almost perfect, nicely balanced unit types, sometimes feels so Call of Duty-like that it could be an FPS, AI-on-AI-with-player, player-vs-player, custom mods enabled and map editor downloadable from the official site.

I'd say I've found something that will keep my mind off Command & Conquer for a long while. And I've managed to get my PC workin' again. One helluva' day.

Everywhere I go, and there's the word game related to it. There's the endless row of questions, endless. And they all are alike. Wether it's "Should I get this game, or not?" or "... Is it worth it?", it's always repeated so many times it actually does get on your nerves. With a crapload of sarcasm here and there, and alot of "MEH OPIONION!" all over the place, let's start with 10.

10. Should I get Assassin's Creed?

No-one can deny that the game recieved too much hype. Too much for it's own good. Why? Cause of hype, you get dissapointments. You're told too much, which turns out to be mediocre. While I can't deny, Assassin's Creed is both good in putting ass in a popular title twice, and being a great game.

Someone needs to hand me the evil "Bwah bwah bwahh..." tune now, cause here's the epic ending of the goodness. Unless you're digging the repeat-the-same-tasks over 20 times before you're through the game, it's the ultimate choice. While they aren't a true pain in the ass, at a time in the game, you'll say to yourself "Dude... I'm an ASSASSIN. From a huge corporation! Send some moron to do the thieving for me, and let a little beggar spy on those dudes, okay!?"...

Not to mention, when you finally get to kill your target. Soon it'll all be a big regret... Why? Because all "victims" as you can nearly call 'em, they spray out their entire life's story at a blink of the eye as if you've got the Discovery Channel crew standing behind you. And since you basicly slit their troats, I would've loved an option for "Stab with Pointy Thing 1 like an mentally disturbed mass-murderer, and end the conversation with Dull Fella' 2.".

To close bashing the Creed, I'm not from Israel, let alone I know a damn thing about that place during the 1191 time period... But can someone explain the sudden change of mood of ALL guards when I go faster than 2MPH on my damn horse? And I would've liked it if we had an option "Boot 3MPH Sign".

Maybe I'm too harsh(Oh, call me an jerk for bashing on this mighty game. I honestly felt depressed that I spend 60 bucks on it, refer to "OPINION!" on the top), but this game's got a serious side of "You either LOVE it, or HATE it.". Conclusion, rent. D'oh.

Oh, and futuristic gameplay doesn't mix at all with Ye Olde 1100's gameplay. It might work, but it's got some strange side effects.

9. Is buying the 40GB version of the PS3 an ideal choice?

Sony really poked a dead horse on this one. No backwards compatibilty, 40GB HDD(not 60) and you only get one controller and no specific games in the package. Consider it the Xbox 360 CORE of the SONY market. Just spend that extra money, and you'll be better off.

If you're either cheap or missing the cash. You are the most stubborn fella I can know if you put through buying a 40GB, and if you miss the monies... I'd suggest you'd save up for a while longer.

8. Master Chief v.s Soap McTavish.

Yes, this one is difficult enough. And I'll awnser it with the awnser nearly 200 Call of Duty 4 players gave aswell; Spongebob Squarepants has more manlyhood than both.

7. Kane & Lynch: Dead Men, how bad can it be?

It's horrible for one thing; You get a flawed version of the 1995 movie HEAT, which was an masterpiece. It's downright crap as the publisher started bribing reviewers for a good number. It's flatout **** for being advertised on every sole spot(even I as an Full Access Subscriber got them damn things), hoping for it to sound good. It's the biggest utter failure for screwing EVERY SINGLE THING UP they promised.

And mentioning Jeff Gerstmann would lower my credibility, so; This is the utter crap we got dished infront of our faces that caused the gaming world to rock on it's feet as an editor refused to stick to the Golden Bribery Rule and got fired.

... But other than that, the game isn't half bad. I rented it for the PC, which was cheapest of all. I'd give it a 4.5, perhaps higher since I kinda blurred out and went to play something different after half an hour.

6. Racism in Resident Evil 5.

It's easy. Biggest number of humans are white. And a handfull of jackasses managed to let the black community hate us forever because of the senseless killing and slavery around 200 years back. While I'm all for slapping racists with machete's, I can't seem to live with the little fact:

Moving down, plowing down, chainsawing down, shotgunning down and pwning of Spanish(overall, caucasians) = OK.
Doing that in an African country, doesn't matter wether you're picking Congo or South Africa... You're the biggest evil son of a ***** for making the black community, which was considered a minority by slave-traders over 200 years ago, a bunch of dudes with crosshairs on their asses.

If Capcom would've chosen an Asian country; They were commies.
If Capcom would've chosen an North American country; They were kicking below the belt.
If Capcom would've chosen an South American country; They were being random.
If Capcom would've chosen an European country; They would've been tagged off with a "Recycles Items :)" sticker.
If Capcom would've chosen an Australian country; The aboriginals will invade China.
If Capcom would've chosen an African country; They're racists.

I hope I wasn't racist during this one, it just seems to amaze me that we're still considered bastards if we'd pick an African setting. Wait for Far Cry 2, guys. Wait for Far Cry 2.

5. How come the Wii's dominating the market?

Little remote controls that are child friendly that can propel through LCD screens at 45MPH has a huge entertainment value.

4. Should I buy Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare?

I'm a core single player dude. Well, whenever I'm not wrapping off the nice paper around the core, which is in this case; Multiplayer. I'll keep this one short, for once. If you don't have PSN or Xbox LIVE, or the PC with internet connection that can run the game; Buy a box of Hot Pockets instead and keep yourself entertained for an even longer time.

Otherwise, I should torture you for not buying this piece of "GOOOOOOO VIOLENCE!" goodness.

3. Is an Xbox 360 a good alternative to an PS3?

For now, yes. Future-wise. I'd say you're better of spending 300 bucks extra. The Xbox 360 now has better games, and you can play 'em for as long as you'd like - If you're willing to pay the monthly fee of Xbox Live Gold, the points to download stuff and the thought of having to pay for 80x80 pictures.

And if you're not willing to pay, it's all fine. The Red Ring of Doom will say hello wether you spend all your cash or not. And if you pay, you're getting the same issues as you'd have without Xbox Live, oh and with Xbox Live you can expect SERIOUS preformance issues. The whole deal hasn't been fixed since Christmas.

... Free PS3 online.

Not trying to sound like a fanboy, if you're up for lots of games. Pick a 360. It comes at the cost of having a failure rate that WILL kill your console sometime. The PS3 is a wise decision if you love movies, or don't feel like spending anymore on additional costs, after you bought the machine that allows you to play games.

Oh... And BluRay.

What the hell, it's too difficult not trying to promote both, dude just get a Wii and let it fly through your TV. That's entertainment.

2. Are the console wars actually contributing to the rivalry issue between Nintendo, Microsoft and SONY?

.. The only thing they contributed to it all is that they've set a new standard of stupidity.

1. What is the meaning of life?

Why did I put this one up? Well, try to stay under the 10 if you try to count all "What is the meaning of life" blogs of the past two weeks.

The true meaning of life is that you try and try to decode the meaning of life. And fail, fail and fail. Over and over. So many times that you get depressed and mentally sick of the thought "WHAT IS IT!?!?". So the meaning of life would be "Feel miserable and drink lots of Feel Good Juice with 80% alcohol.", or maybe the meaning of life is to die cause of an alcohol poisoning in the liver.

Yes, that's it.

Yes. And I have a picture of the not-so-blue-screen of death. But for some reason my camera is playing the hard-to-coöperate idiot. I'd love to update this blog with the less-colored-version of PC death picture, I think if I put new batteries in the thing it'll let me upload.

Anyway, I've gotten six blue screens of death in a row. All within a time period of five hours. After the first time I saw the blue screen, I wondered "...What did I do? Ah well, happens to any PC sometime.", about four blue screens later, I said to myself "Since I'm such a overly-positive hippie, I'll remain on the side of 'It happens'.". After the sixth, I stood up and yelled "Monopolize this, Microsoft!" and snapped the XP Disk which I used to install Windows XP with over a month ago, in half.

The, for the seventh time in five hours, I rebooted my PC. And a minute later, I could begin doing whatever I was doing. Again. So, since I figured I was trying to save a dying breed, I connected six USB's to the PC and dumped EVERYTHING I had on the PC on all USB's.

Four are 2GB large, one is 1GB and the other is 512MB. Just enough to cram all my music, Drive or Die files, save games of Crysis, Oblivion, World in Conflict(I barely played it as I bought it just today) and Command & Conquer 3 and some important back ups for instance Windows and not-so-important-but-are-for-me, the backups of the Crysis map I'm making.

As soon as I was done with the process of saving me matey's and yelling "Jump ship, laddies!"... The whole system froze, and since I CTRL+ALT+DEL'd as soon as the PC started, to keep an eye on the preformance... I saw the green line, which was at 3.8Ghz, just freefall to 1, before freezing and giving me the blue screen for the final time.

Then it was the time for something I have seen many times before. In the listing on the blue screen of death, there were six processes that failed 100%. One of which was worth a "Are you ****ing KIDDING ME!?":

Processes Failed, prepare for Save Mode Boot:

* 000.008910 WIN32x.sys.

Uhh Its a PC dude

If you're not an lifeless nerd like I am, I'll have to explain that WIN32x.sys means Windows XP as a whole. The entire deal. So if that fails, you're having quite an issue.

And ooohhh... I was having quite an issue, infact I still have. I restarted the thing, knowing if I restart it, this is the last I'll see of Windows XP on this computer for now.

I restarted and it gave me the usual black screen as if you'd want to install Windows on a brand new computer. It asked me for the disk to install a Windows version. In short; any bit of a trace of what was Windows XP I have had on my PC, is gone.

Now, I'm currently taking out the 400GB HDD I had in, cause I had a little safety trick when I installed Windows XP. I have two HDD's, the stock one which is 19GB and the 400GB add-on. I named the 19GB one the Main C:/ disk. andcreated and installed all Windows files on C:/. When selecting additional Hard drives, I selected the 400GB one as D:/, and the DVD-RW as E:/(which is usually an USB stick). As soon as that was done, I moved ALL my Windows files to D:/, and left C:/ with two files.

One WordPad file named "Screw you", with a nice welcome message for hackers reading "Daylight rocks, basements and permanent assprints in seats suck. Basicly, you do too then.", and an Notepad file named "Phailing Virus for Dummies" with inside "J00 sooxxx.".

Since the main one was C:/, and if HDD's crash, it's the main one that nails it. So, with all hope intact I'm currently undoing it from it's screws, and yanking out the wires. Then it's a matter of putting it in the PC of a friend o' mine, and see wether it's fried or alive.

I'm kinda happy that anything besides of the functionality of the PC, still is in perfect shape. Since the GFX Card, Nvidia 8800GT and the processor Intel Core 2 QuadCore 6600 costed me so much, I handed my soul to Satan for it.

Final comments: Life. Is. The. Biggest. *****. And my killcount currently hold FOUR PC's. Now racking up a loss of nearly 2500$ in software and hardware, if the entire PC would've nailed it - It would've topped the 3400$ with ease.