I already have friends from HS, close friends. why take the risk? derekjeter2005

Because you don't gain anything from not taking risks, coming out of a risk unscathed inherently gives you even more confidence, and there isn't really anything to loose. You can't expect everyone to like you.

That was some of the best advice I have ever gotten on the internet. But I honestly feel the same as this guy. I have been a loner for most of my life, and I haven't had many friends. I always thought that college would be a place for me to turn a new leaf and make friendships. It's been two years, and I can't believe I'm in the same rut that I was when I graduated high school. I will say that it's much easer to talk to people in college then it was in high school. But it's my obsessive paranoia of rejection that keeps me from wanting to meet more people. I'm almost scared to go up to a stranger to talk with them and petrified if I see someone I knew in high school; just because it brings back so many unwanted memories. I can talk and have a conversation fine but eventually you start to question if you're doing something right or you're just not right in the head. Perhaps if I change the lifestyle that I'm living now then maybe I can change. The saying old habits die hard come to mind. Thanks Derek for posting this, it let me get some quality advice and gave me a lot of peace knowing that I'm not alone. smartgrunt

Start small. Talk to people who have to be nice to you like waitresses or something. Take incremental baby steps outside your comfort zone and it wont be such a big challenge.

I mean if girls can't see by my actions trying to get to the top and make a lot of money that I have confidence in myself then I don't know what to say, I guess they're just not very good at judging confidence. and by your definition personality traits are not personality traits. they're just states of mind influenced by family, pop culture and media. honestly if no one ever told you to socialize or put you in a social environment, you'd think it was normal to be alone. Thomas Hobbes was correct in saying that human beings are worlds unto themselves. Really why is anyone even here at gamespot? just think about it... derekjeter2005

I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality?derekjeter2005

its just not natural to start acting like something you're not. and why do people put so much into "growing a pair and putting on a false personna to score"? I'll never understand it :(derekjeter2005

I don't really see valuing confidence as shallow per se, but I do believe that there are other aspects to a person that hold more value. Shallow in relation more like it. I have tried to love myself my entire life. For as long as I can remember, believe me I've tried man. I try daily. Positive affirmations, therapy, meds, exercise, you name it. I'm coming to the realization that this is who I am, and why pretend to be someone I'm not? Because obviously I cannot and have a very hard time functioning in a world where that one thing, confidence, is an absolute necessity.

So I continue to struggle because the lack of it is destroying my life.

Rekunta

But people aren't going to invest their time into discovering what valuable aspects you have if you give them the impression that you don't have any. Things like meds and self affirmations can only trick you into having confidence. You don't need to pretend, you need to start creating some real reasons to feel better about yourself. Like I said to biggest_loser, a hobby is a good way to do this. Something like learning an instrument. If you set yourself a goal like learning a particular song and you achieve it - then you feel good don't you? It's something you can take pride in. A lot of girls like musicians anyway, so it will aid you in the competition.

By the way, lacking confidence is not just 'who you are'. It's not a personality trait. It's a state of mind influenced by anxiety, and it can be changed.