Well ever since my beloved Azure darling got banned, my life hasn't been going easy. Not sure what's been going on with me but I haven't been acting like myself. Which I am sure he would agree if he could post a comment to my blog. :|I have been doing nothing but thinking lately and I have nothing. Perhaps it's just a phase I'll soon get out of, but I have been totally snapping at people and I don't even need a reason to. It'll just come out of nowhere and then I'll find myself in the worst mood ever. Full of anger, hurt, loneliness...etc. I just get waves after waves of these emotions and I can't seem to rise above them. Heck, I even snapped at Tom the other night. :? And I never done that before, he was even shocked about it. So I'm not sure what triggered it or why it happened.

But on another note, I have been being woken up by nightmares. I really don't want to post them on here since they are very personal and dark. So I'll just inform you that my mother is mostly involved in them. And if you don't know, my mother was murdered when I was 3 years old infront of me. So that plays a big part of these demons I have. Demons I don't think I will ever be able to escape. But my Tom darling has been helping me cope with them. He really is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Well I'm ending that right now. Tears are bout to form and I don't feel like crying.

Lastly, I got past level 20 and am on level 21 now. So yay for that. Just wish Tom was here.

My Azure darling got banned!! :cry: I thought I'd make a blog since I keep getting messages asking if he's really banned or not. :cry: And yes he is!! I don't even know where to begin. All I can say is that gamespot is a lot less bright without my Azure darling!! Most of you shouldknow by now, that Azure and I met over Gamespot and we are dating!! I'm not even sure if I'm going to stay on gamespot since my darling isn't here. It just won't be the same without him. He's what brightened up my day on here. We talk over MSN all the time so it's not like we won't be talking. And we're not splitting up or anything. We're still going strong. ^.^ Nothing gamespot can do will ever break me and my Azure darling up!! We love eachother and will always be together!! :oops:

But I will miss him on here terribly!! :cry:

Well I am sure most of you know that today is Tom's 17th Birthday!!! :D And I have been excited all day for it too!! ^.^ It is the anniversarythat my beloved was born and I couldn't be happier!! :D He is my everything and I want to wish him a Happy Birthday!! Mwuah! :oops:

Him and I just got througha rough patch and I want him to know that I don't want to be with anyone else but him! My Tom darling is the most amazing person ever to me. ^.^ And nothing can change that!! :D I love him to pieces!! :oops: And for his birthday I sent him two shirts and a card!! I put kisses in the card...^.^ Just put lipstick on and kissed inside the card!! Lol. :oops: I also wrote him a acouple poems. :D I could probably have edited them a little more but I didn't have time too. xD So here they are. :D

~Angel of Light~

When darkness falls, my hand will be there
you needn't worry, or havest a care
my arms will protect you, my warm embrace
my soul a pillow, to protect your sweet face
when in my control, no evil shall fall you
my heart be your shield, my love is true
take my hand, and escape your fears
in my arms, there will be no more tears
while some abandon and others neglect
your life is mine, and i will protect
my back will never turn or grow weary
my light give you vision, you will see clearly
that i will be your angel of light
take my hand and together, we shall survive the night.

~A Love So True~

i've never known feelings to run so deep
how every thought of you my heart skips a beat
your eyes so kind, patient and blue
my mind can't help but think of you
every second with you passes by so fast
it feels like i've known you for years gone past
my world collapses when you're not here
and has quickly become my epitomy of fear
we've only just begun, and yet me you manage to astound
you know what i'm thinking without me making a sound
i've dreamt of perfection so many times before
you've exceeded my dreams and still so much more to explore
i've never smiled the way i have with you
a love like this could only be true
i've been broken and beaten, over and again
and my only escape used to be this paper and pen
but now that i've met you, my world has shifted
and quickly now, my burden has been lifted
the only thing i ask of you, is let me repay,
repay you for everything, every word, every day
my days have never felt so complete as they do now
loving you is effortless, honest, and forever i vow
that never will i strain, hurt or abandon
because now my heart has been taken.

Happy Birthday Tom! I love you so very much!

I dont know whats been wrong with me lately. I've just been feeling so low and not wanting to get out of bed really. Just lying there until I start to feel sick and then i would get up. I feel myself slipping more and more into this depression. And I feel helpless to resist. I know what's happening, I've been through something similiar to this before. So I should be able to stop myself from falling completely to the shadows, right? But what if the shadows seem welcoming this time? What if I don't want to stop from completely losing myself?

It's to the point where I like the feeling of being broken and empty. It's all I've ever felt throughout my life. So it feels like home. It's hard to explain, but I feel comfortable here, in the shadows.

So what I'm saying is that I need to be pulled out of the shadows because I don't have the strength or the will. The shadows have me enthralled and I cannot break the spell it has over me.

But also at the same time, I feel like something has a hold on my heart. Pulling it down, weighing it down until it gets too hard to bare. And it just makes me want to rip it out of my chest and be gone with it. It's even hard to breathe sometimes, I get this clenching feeling in my throat. It sickens me how weak I can get so quickly sometimes.

And lastly, this weakness of mine is taking over. I find myself starting to cry for no reason at all. Just like out of nowhere the tears will come and take me over. This overwhelming feeling of loneliness and emptiness is unbearable anymore. And yet, I love the feeling when I cry. I try to hide this weakness from Tom. Because I'm afraid of how he'll react when he sees me like this. Which is stupid because I know he loves me and would do anything for me. Plus it's not like he hasn't seen me weak before.

What I'm trying to say is, this darkness is taking over me and I'm not sure I can get through it on my own anymore. I feel weak to resist and just wanting to give up until I'm completely consumed. This heartache is killing me. I need you Tom. I really do. You're my strength and without you I'm nothing but a broken girl.

Today is my and Tom's Three month anniversary!! :D And it has been three awesome months with him!! ^.^

He really completes me!! Just like we were made for eachother!! :D ^.^ I don't even know where to begin, there's just so much Tom contributes to my life. He makes me stronger than I ever was before. I know I always tell him that I'm weak and he argues with me that I'm a strong woman to have gone through all that i have and come out alright. And that may be true, but with him by my side I feel stronger. Like I can get through anything if he's by my side. ^.^ Because I know he'll always be there for me and knowing that he will be there makes me so happy and content with everything. He truly is amazing. :)

Having Tom by my side is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!! It truly is. He has changed my life for the better since we've been together. Always cheering me on and standing by my side, holding me up when I feel weak.And not only that but I can tell him anything and not worry about him seeing me differently, or judging me for that matter. I know I had a fewissues where it wasreally hard for me to tell him something but he was patient with me and waited till I was ready to tell him, not pressuring me. And I liked that a lot. :)

I can really see myself with him for the rest of my life. We make such a great team together it's unreal. ^.^ I keep thinking back to when I first fell for him and boy did I fall for him. xD His personality alone is what firstdrawn me to him. He always puts a smile on my face, from the very beginning and even now he does. :D I am so happy that Ihave him!! And it's the greatestgift of all to be loved by the person you love!! Andknow that love is true and not tainted. I couldn't ask for anyonebetter than him because there is no one out there better or no one else that Iwant for that matter. I just want him!! Forever and always.

You really have no idea Tom how much I love and care for you babe. But I plan to show and express my love for you each and everyday that we're together!! :oops: I love you so much Thomas Daniel Miles!! The keeper of my heart!!

My Knight in Shining Armor!! :oops:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The tears
Have came and gone
The words from your heart
Have touched me deeper then ever
Loving you for these three months
Has been greater then ever
Knowing these days are just the beginning
Of our lives together
Knowing that you'll love me
fromthis dayto forever
Has changed my life
And gave me a feeling of doing better
The feeling of being with you
Is like know other
Knowing that this feeling is right
Hits me deep inside
Telling you I love you will never
Come to a stop
Nor will the beat of my heart
These three months have been the greatest
Times of my life
And so will the days ahead
As our hearts grow more and more in love
As each day goes by
Loving you more then what you can see
I promise to always be by your side though this
ALways and forever

Happy Mother's Day Everyone

[(Very Personal Blog)] It's about my mother - Pamela Trputec


Even though she wasn't with me for that long before she passed away, I was onlythree years old when she was killed. I think about her a lot. She went through a lot of hard times in her life and she is resting in peace right now. There's so much I never got to do with her, like other kids got to do with their mothers. But she's a part of me, and no one can take that away.

I can't help but wish that she was there while I was growing up though. I mean it's normal to want a mother and father...I never had either of them while I was growing up. But my mother is what I wanted most. And to know that you'll never have her, it just kills you inside. It did me anyway, everyday it did.:( Like when we would have parent teacher night at school and I was the only one in my school without a mother and father, it really made me feel alone. And to be honest, I was always alone growing up.:? Even now, I'm mostly alone. I've created this barrier around me...and only a selective view can get past.

I don't know much about my mother, besides that she was in a really bad abusive relationship before he killed her. And the things he would do to her makes me sick to my stomach to even think about right now.

All I want is for my mother to walk through that door and tell me it was one huge nightmare. That it was just a bad dream. And all I want is to be able to hug my mother, tell her I love her and watch her smile as she hugs me back. That's it, that's all I want. But, that'll never happen. :cry:

What I do know about my mother is that she was full of life and always loved to laugh. And she had one awesome laugh too!! ^.^ I also have my mothers eyes!! I know my mother isn't with me, but in my heart she is, and that will never change. I do have one memory of my mother, where she took me sled riding and was dragging me all around the yard in my pink sled...xD That is the only other memory I have of her besides her death. And I will hold onto that memory for all time.

All I want to say is that I love you mother and I miss you so very much. And Happy Mother's Day.

Well it has been a while since I last posted a blog. To be honest I just kept putting it off. :? I started a few but ended up deleting them. But here it goes. I shall post a blog finally. xD

Some New Things:
1. I had a job interview this past monday and I really liked the place. Probably the best place where I got interviewed at, so I really would love it if I got this job!! :D
2. My wisdom teeth hole thingys are healing really nicely. No infection. So that's really good.
3. Me and my therapist are kinda not seeing eye to eye at the moment on a few topics. But other than that, everything is fine with her. Getting some things out in the open that I haven't before in my next appointment so I hope she's ready. :?
4. Took my cousin Jordan out to eat a few nights ago, so that was really nice. I love spending time with her. She's been busy with softball practice and volleyball practice so I haven't seen much of her lately.
5. Got the cell phone bill back and my gram wasn't happy that an extra 25 dollars was on it. Lol. Because I was texting Tom...xD But apparantly she got this bill a few weeks ago just forgot to confront me about it. Lol.

And here goes my interesting saturday....:lol:

I woke up later than what I was supposed to, so I was running a little late. :? What was I running late for you ask?? To get the car from my gram so I can go to Ohio and take Cheyenne (an awesome 13 year old girl) out to eat, mall...etc. Her mothers not the best mom, so I decided to kinda put her under my wing. Her mother has three kids to three different guys, so not a good role model to say the least. But anyway, I end up walking to my grams work to get the car because she forgot to leave it for me. :roll: I get the car, get gas and then I'm on my way to go get her. Which took about a 45 minute driveto get to her house. xD We end up going to Arby's to eat because we both haven't eaten yet. Lol. Then we go to the movies and we saw "Haunting in Connecticut". Which was a really good movie. :D And finally we went to the mall! Lol. We go to Hottopic first and I use up the rest of my money on my giftcardto buy her these expensive earrings and bracelets. :? We then walk around and have a little fun!! haha. I walk down the mall and a purple glint I see from the corner of my eye!! What is it you wanna know??!! It was a little purple car that like two year olds ride...xD But hell, it was purple!!!!! So I put the quarters in it and raced some imaginary person!! 8) I won of course!!! And kinda got stuck in it!! :| Lol. We also then start taking pictures of ourselves with manneqins (or however you spell it). And get yelled at by the security guard because we're not allowed to take picture with nude manneqins!! :roll: But whatever, we had loads of fun!!! :D

Saturday night.....

Well after I take Cheyenne home it's time to go babysit. 8) I babysit this little 6 year old boy named Drake, who's super cute!!! Lol. The reason I'm babysitting is because Drake's mother is my aunts friend. And she was taking my aunt out for her 40th birthday. (haha old thang) But anywayz I get there and Drake and I start to play Wii Sports. 8) I totally pawned him at almost everything but the stupid baseball one. :? For some reason I could never hit the darn ball!! :evil: But other than that I beat him at all the other sports. It was pretty close on a few of them though. I was surprised at how good this boy is at games!! :| Totally had me running for my money when we played Bowling! xD After that we played House of the Dead 2/3. 8) And he was one heck of a partner I tell ya. Definitely one of the best partners I ever had at playing that game. :D And he's 6!!! Lol. I love that kid. 8) But anyways we then watch "Kung Fu Panda", and then it's time for him to go to bed. I read him two bed time stories. :oops: And he said he liked my voice when I read to him!! ;) Such a cutie he is!! ^_^

While Drake is sleeping I watch some t.v. Since there was nothing else to do. And it gets to be around 1:30 a.m, and Erin (Drakes moms name) is supposed to be getting home by that time. So a half hour goes by, still no Erin. :? Well now an hour goes by and finally someone comes in. But it wasn't Erin! It was my Aunt Heather. :| I was still watching t.v. when all of a sudden she stands infront of the t.v. and starts to undress!! :| (She was drunk). So she's practically naked now, and starts to like trip over herself :roll: so I get up and help her keep her balance and that was when I accidentally kinda grab her boob while holding her up!! :? And her comment to that was "You have a great grip." :| Can it get anymore awkward!!!??? She eventually gets into some pajamas somehow...didn't see her get into them...XD But anyway, that's when Erin comes home. (Drunk as well :roll: )So everyone is drunk and I need a ride home...:? And that's when Heather(my aunt) tells me to take her car. And Erin tells me to walk up to the bar to get the money from her husband for babysitting (they own a bar and bowling alley)Heather gives me the keys and as I'm about to walk out the door, Erin says "Wait wait, I wanna show you something!!"....and as I turn around she was taking her shirt off!!! :o She wanted to show me her boobs because she had glitter on them....:| :shock: So I compliment her boobs... :rolls: and walk out the door....xD Get the money from her husband, which he gave me 10 extra dollars!! 8) Get in the car and drive home. Lol. So now I'm going to have to pick my aunt up tomorrow.

And that was my saturday. 8) Hope you enjoyed the read. xD haha

Another thing - Tom and I are doing super fantastic!! 8) I love that boy more than anything!! ^.^

Well I couldn't hold in the gushiness of my love for Tom anymore!! xD So this blog is dedicated to him, our love and some updates!! (aka some randomness may be involved as well)

Ahem. *clears throat* As most of you should already know, Tom and I met over gamespot. So I would like to thank the people who made gamespot. *hoots and hollering and claps hands* Without you, I wouldn't have met my husband to be. :oops: (no we're not engaged at this time) And to think, I almost didn't join gamespot. It was a last minute thought that got me to join this wonderful community! Thank goodness I had it!! :lol: Or none of you would have met the awesome, amazing Amberella!! Your lives would surely have went down the drain without me showing up! :lol: My very prescence is what makes the dreadful sun rise I'm afraid. It rises to greet me every morning, even though I roll over and fall back asleep. The poor sun.

Well anywho...back on topic. I really couldn't imagine my life without Tom. And I can really say that with one hundred percent conviction!! He really has changed my life since the first day I met him. And changed it for the better I might add. I'm also going to admit that this distance between us is really putting a strain on my heart.:| Not a moment passes that he's not in my thoughts. I'm even beginning to cry because the pain in my chest is getting unbearable. I yearn for him like no other. My one true love. My Tom darling. My knight in shining armor. My hero. And I'll stop now. xD

It was also Azure_Supernova and my (DarkxSoul713) Two Month Anniversary yesterday! :D Got his shirt in the mail monday and as soon as I got it I put it on! :P Gonna have to take pictures of myself wearing it now! :P :D I look super cute in it! And I can't help but smell it...xD His scent is addicting and arouses all my senses! :oops: I so can't get enough of him!!

And well, just a few more updates before I take my leave. My left cheek looks mostly normal now, the swelling went down a lot, but it's still really sore. :( Hopefully it gets better real soon. I fell down the stairs twice yesterday, and on the same step too. So gonna have to be more careful around that step. :lol: Can't stop getting these images of Tom out of my head. :oops: ;) Been reading lately, which is awesome! I also had a job interview monday, so wish me luck that I got the job!! And that's all I can think of right now. So comment. :D Lol.

Sooo....I think I need a new pharmacist. :|

Well here I am, at my dentists office getting my other two wisdom teeth cut out. The other two wisdom teeth I got out before only took about 20 minutes to get out. But this time, it took well around 40 minutes. Why the difference in time you ask??? Well it was because my last two wisdom teeth were really deep and I had to have double stitches he called them. Had a too big of hole in my gums apparantly. :? And it wasn't pleasant one bit. But at least I don't have to go back. :) And here is where the real story begins.....

I get out of the dentists office and he hands me a prescription to get filled. For pain medication and penicillin so they don't get infected. Well I go to my pharmacist's office and get the prescription filled. Only takes about 5 minutes, perhaps a little longer, and I'm on my way home. Well I open the bag with my medication inside, read the label and it says to take 6 in the evening. Well it was the evening so I figured it would be best to take them now before I forget. I get an uneasy feeling because these pills look different then from my last prescription I had filled. Because I had the same prescription, which was only 2 weeks ago when I got my other two wisdom teeth out. And that's when I examine the pills further and notice they didn't look anything like the ones I had before. I was standing in my dining room with my drink in my left hand and pills in the other, getting ready to take them. And I get the uneasy feeling again....because I don't think these pills were mine. I then go to my grandmother and tell her I think I got the wrong prescription. I also then go upstairs and look up the medications he gave me, which thank goodness I went to med school and had a pharmacist drug booklet. And you wanna know what this idiot gave me!!!???

My pharmacist ended up giving me Clonazepam which is an anticonvulsant, muscle relaxer with anxiolytic properties. Clonazepam is also a benzodiazepine derivative that is highly potent!! And happens to be the second most abused drug in the United States!! For some of you who doesn't know what benzodiazepine is its a psychoactive drug with varying sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant and amnesic properties. And it happens to be very addicting. That's the first medication he gave me that he shouldn't have. Now comes the second. The second drug he gave me that wasn't mine is Clomipramine. Which is a tricyclic antidepressant and so happens to be given for major depression, panic attacks and even for cocaine addicts so they don't relapse and is used to help repair cocaine-caused neurotransmitter imblances and early brain damage. And that's not all. He also gave me Aripiprazole which is treated for schizophrenia and of acute manic and mixed episodes associated with bipolar disorder.

So I went back to my pharmacist and told him I definetly have the wrong prescription!! And he asks for my name because apparantly he forgot already when I wasn't there more than 30 minutes prior. Give him my name and he tells me he has my prescription right here. Now I look at him dumbfounded because he gave me this prescription, and I even had to sign for it. And the idiot didn't even notice???!!!! Hell, he didn't even apologize for mixing up my prescription!!

*And why am I telling you all this....it's because I have a heart condition and if I would have taken those medications I wouldn't be here right now. I'd most likely be in a coma or dead. So that was my traumatic experience....and I still can't believe he went about it all casually.*

On another note.....he also gave me the wrong dose of my pain medication.....so I think he's out to kill me....he gave me a higher dosage then what I was prescribed.

Well here I am....just driving down the road and the next thing I know some dude infront of me stops, so I stop. I didn't have to slam on my breaks or anything like that. So I stopped waiting for the person to turn because we had oncoming traffic and the driver was waiting. And out of no where this car behind me hits me from behind, knocking the wind out of me and my gram. Luckily though, the air bag didn't go off! xD So I turn to park next to the street so we can get the idiot who hit me from behinds information and such. Well it turns out that he didn't do any damage to the car so we didn't get his information or anything. It was some stupid guy trying to be gangsta. Probably didn't even have insurance anyway. So we continued down the road to the driving test center. It was a scary experience though...xD

So we get to the driving test center and I have to wait like 20 minutes for my turn or whatever!! There was this teenage boy who was ahead of me and oh my god did he look like Tom...xD My gram pointed him out actually...Lol. The boy had dark hair though, and my darling has dirty blond hair. And my Tom darling is wayyy hotter and smexxiieerrr. ;) Well he goes, and he passes. So now it's my turn and I was really freaking out...like panicky!! Lol. So I start to think of what Tom was telling me and stuff, and before I know it...I'm calm. :D The man gets in the car and I go up and around this hill, and then dunn dunn dunn parallel parking...xD I hit the curb once but I got it PERFECTLY in the white lines!! :D So then I pull out from the parking lot and drive up this steep hill...:? Which is freaky to say the least, because it was like straight up!!!!! But I go up the hill and down and around, then back to the driving test center and he tells me I PASSED!! Lol. So yeah...I'm super happy!!! And now...car shopping!!! :D

On another note: I started to read last night. I don't know why but lately I haven't been having the urge to read at all. :? Which is really odd for me. And also means something is bothering me. :? So I'm going to have to figure that out.

And also, today is my and Tom's one month and 2 week anniversary!! So I'm super happy about that!! I can't even begin to tell you how dear he is to me!! ^_^ And how happy he makes me feel too!! :D You're simply my everything babe. :oops: I couldn't do it without you cheering me on!! :lol: My cheerleader....:lol: :P