My life has been anything but boring lately, let me tell you. It's to the point now, that I don't know what to do or think anymore. Jeffrey and I broke up on saturday. The day after my mothers death anniversary, so I have been anything but okay lately. And well it finally hit me. So I'm pretty much being emotional right now with all the tears and how my chest feels like it's about to cave in. And at the same time I feel relieve, because him and I haven't been getting along for the longest time now. I mean, he blamed me for every fight we had, every wrong thing he did was my fault because I somehow made him make the choice he made. So I guess you can now see how I feel relieved and heart broken at the same time.

I mean, on my mothers death anniversary all he wanted to do was fight with me. Like I wasn't already in pain, remembering the death of my mother, he just had to yell and curse through text messages. Because I wouldn't pick up my cell phone, I knew if I did him and I would argue and well, I really didn't need that on that day. I mean, aren't you supposed to be there for the woman you love when she's crying her eyes out and mourning the lose of her mother?? But yeah, I'm single now.

Cleansing rain
To wash the pain away
Cool and carressing
Streaming life down my face

Gently thawing my frozen heart
Making memories of him run
Like ink on a wet page
Until they're blurred and forgotten

With every drop
Freedom speaks loudly to me
Let go, let go, it says
Your heart is yours again

Well today is the day that my mother died. So you can probably already tell today just isen't a good day for me at all...I was only 3 when she was taken from me...But for some reason I can remember that day better than I can remember what happened last week...It seems to haunt me sometimes...I really never told anyone about it...like the memories i have of that day.....

people always say "i know how you feel", but they really have no idea...all i used to do when i was little was daydream about my mother just walking through that door....and everything being okay again...i held on to that for what it seems like forever...and i still sometimes do...no one will ever really understand.

♥'A Mother's Farewell To Her Children'♥

I must leave you

for a little while,

Please do not grieve

and shed wild tears

And hug your sorrow

to you through the years,

But start out bravely

with a gallant smile;

And for my sake

and in my name

Live on and do

all things the same,

Feed not your lonliness

on empty days,

But fill each waking hour

in useful ways,

Reach out your hand

in comfort and in cheer

And I in turn will comfort you

and hold you near;

And never, never

be afraid to die,

For I am waiting

for you in the sky!

R.I.P. Mommy...1/30/92
..::I Love You::..

I have been wanting to post a blog about something for awhile once again. Just haven't really had much thought on what to write about. So here I am, telling you all about my tramautic experience walking back from my dentist appointment.

I don't live that far away from my Dentists office so I decided to walk today. Yeah, bad choice. It takes about 10-15 minutes to walk to my Dentists office and anything can happen within that time period I learned. Well here it goes.

I walk out of my Dentists Office and call my gram to tell her I'm on my way home and that I'll just walk instead of her coming to get me. I get off the phone and just walk my way home when this man in his 40's stops dead infront of me smelling nothing but booze, so I naturally step around him. He then grabs my arm and grips it really hard, which really hurt, I flung my arm up and he let go so I walk very fast away, clearly freaked out because he's yelling for me to come back. I, in a panic call my gram and tell her what happened because he now is following me. She sends my pap out to get me which i will meet at Mcdonalds, if I get there! So I continue to walk very fast, but he ends up catching up to me without me noticing it and grips my arm again, telling me that I'm going to follow him to his house. At this point tears are stinging my eyes because there's no one around!! And it was in the middle of the day...I tell him that my pap is coming to pick me up and he better leave me alone. And thats when I see my pap across the street running over, so the man then leaves. I felt relief like I never had before. I being a small petite girl and the man was built really big would have easily overpowered me. I like ran the rest of the way home even though my pap was with me, I was really freaked out and screamed to my gram that I'm never walking alone again when I get inside my house.

I'm still freaked out...:cry:

Well I've been wanting to make a new blog just didn't know what to blog about...haha...so here I am making a blog hoping that the Pittsburgh Steelers win!! ^_^

So Go Steelers!!!

But yeah..I know some of you won't know what the heck I'm talking about....just google it if you don't know. :P I went to Pittsburgh for college since thats where my college was, so I passed Heinz Field everytime I went to college and on my way back...my 2 hour drive to and from college everyday really sucked but hey...gotta do what you gotta do. ^_^

So here we go Steelers, here we go!! To the Superbowl babie!!! haha

Why hello everyone...^_^ I am back now as you can see. Sorry for the kinda cryptic message i sent last time but everything is going alright for now. I just had one heck of a emotional downfall pretty much. For starters I ended up getting kicked out of my house and walked around for a little over an hour in 6 inches of snow trying to find a pay phone to call my dad. Well he came and I ended up staying there for a few days. My gram took me off her life insurance and got rid of most of my stuff while I was away. She ended up throwing away some of my anime movies I bought a while ago. She even got rid of some of my books, and some I haven't even read yet. So I'm still upset over that. My room looks baron compared to how it looked before. Her and I had one huge argument that lasted for about 4-5 hours. And it was all because I was a few points away of passing this certification test. Mind you though, I can retake this test as many times as I desire. So it's really not that big of a deal. And I plan to retake it.

Also, through this whole ordeal my boyfriend, Jeffrey, didn't comfort me at all. In fact, as soon as I was able to talk to him he started yelling at me. And here I am, already crying and clearly very upset. He never even asked me if I was alright or anything of the sort. So I ended up hanging up on him because I couldn't take it anymore. When he yells at me through the phone he doesn't give me any time to speak my opinion and if I try he tells me to shut up and that he is talking. So what's the point in sitting there already crying and upset and then having someone who's supposed to be there for you when you need them most lash out at you. It's ludicrous.

Well I'm done with this blog. Don't feel like writing any more. I'm glad I'm back though. Missed all of you! ^_^ *hugs*

I won't be on for awhile....just wanted everyone to know that...I have hit rock bottom and i mean i literally did...i collapsed and just couldnt take anymore of this pain...lets just say i did something I really regret....

i will miss all of you..*hugs*

Hope all of you have a Happy New Year and a safe one at that!! ^_^

I know my year 08' has had some ups and downs...but I'm looking forward to 09'!! Hopefully this year will have more ups than downs for me...^_^

Always searching
Never finding
All my thoughts
Now unwinding
The pressure's rising
Feel it coming
All around
Slowly numbing
Forever dreaming
Never waking
In this nightmare
Smiles faking
Silence screaming
Hear me calling
Lost my voice
Faster falling
Lay here bleeding
Weak and crying
Lost and lonely
A heart that's dying..

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!! ^_^

Although I'm not really in the mood for it myself, I'm kinda looking more foward to it now that I just got done christmas baking...lol. I made chocolate chip cookies, oatmeall cookies, banana bread...and so much more!! haha.

Well Happy Holidays Everyone!!

Well today is my 20th birthday!! ^_^