First of all I don't really know why I chose this forum for this. Probably because its populated unlike the other special suicide forums. If you dont care about some random man's life please don't read.
I am 18, I live in Canada (still living with parents atm) and for most of my life so far I've been lonely. I never really had any friends, well I had some when I was a kid but since about 5 years ago I became lonely. I used to think I can live a normal life by myself but about 4 months ago I met a 20 year old girl (from Texas) on an online game called World of Warcraft. Our relation ship started kinda one sided. I told her that she is the only one who understands me in this life and that I love her even though we've never met in RL. She has a 26 year old husband working as a manager in Taco Bell. But she said that she will divorce him and that she loves me because she wants to start a new life and that I make her happy. Right now she is getting the money and getting a business going so she can come here to Canada and be with me (she still has to hide about us from everyone because she still kind of depends on her husband and that she will only go for divorce when she is able to come and meet me). I told her that, I will never be with another woman again no matter what. And now I really don't see any way that I would live without her. I have nothing in my life except her, I work at Tim Hortons as a baker and I will have to move out of parents house soon. And if we don't meet my life will continue being pointless and miserable. I have trouble getting friends and socializing with people in general, not because I am retard or handicapped but because I am so different from most people. I've told her that I would have nothing else to do but to kill myself but she says that I dont have to worry about us not being together because we both promise to be together for the rest of our lives. Also she said that me talking about suicide and crying, makes her sad and that she almost gets mad at me for that so I try not to talk about bad things with her. When we are both online she spends a lot of the time playing with other players, of course we play together too but I guess I am paronoed and it sometimes seems to me that she doesn't really need me. I really try to trust her completely and I think I've accomplished it but still.. Anyway, I cant do anything without her. I guess I am just a worrywart and that everything will be ok once we are together. It's just so hard to wait. And I know for sure, that if for any reason she leaves me or we dont get together, I will kill myself because I have no other point in life and no one cares about me except her. I know for some people it may seem silly that I love someone I never met, but we do talk over microphone online and we've seen each other's pics. And I think it only proves that it is real love and not just sexual attraction. I really dont know why I am depressed, my brain understands that I have nothing to really worry about, just need to give some time.. but I still do worry. I guess its just because my life is on the border of complete happiness and complete emptyness. For the last few weeks I dont want to do anything, I keep thinking about her, and the fact that often she cant talk to me for some reason, only makes it worse. I dont see anything in front of my life except her. I had to wait for about 4 months now and I dont know how much longer we will have to wait to be together. And the thought that in the end, we might not be together really makes me depressed. And now I cant really talk about my feelings with her because she said she would block me and ignore me if I keep talking about suicide and stuff like that.
Also I've just recently had a talk with her. She said that her friends found out that I love her and now her husband might find out too. She says that if he does, it will be all over. That we will not be able to be together. I've told her that she is the only one I will ever love and that I will never be with another woman. I didnt actually tell her that I would kill myself, because I was afraid that would make her really mad and she would leave me right away, but I think she knows that I would anyway. I feel like our relationship might break any day now. If it does I wont even look for psychiatrist help, I will find some painless way to kill myself, because I am tired of this and my life in general. I dont see point living without her. And if she will leave me, it means she doesnt love me nor care about me so she wont give a crap about me commiting suicide. I promised I will never be with another woman again nor will I live without her. And I dont remember ever breaking a promise in my life so this wont be an exception.
Log in to comment