I was cleaning my desk and shredding a lot of old notes and outdated research, old take-out menus and computer dating flyers and came across this old list I had made years ago. It concerns things about TV I never could quite understand; here's the slightly updated version:

1. Why is Roz Kelly considered one of the stars of the TV series "Happy Days" for a role seen once in a two-parter while Lynda Goodfriend who starred in three-quarters of the series is just considered a co-star?

2. Why is Kate Jackson remembered for "Charlie's Angels" and not "Dark Shadows" but David Selby is remembered for "Dark Shadows" and not "Falcon Crest?"

3. Why do fan-favorites like "Ally McBeal," "Arrested Development" and "Phil of the Future" get cancelled while stinkers like "King of the Hill" can't get cancelled?

4. Why do newscasters always pick the most ignorant, uneducated people to interview after a disaster strikes?

5. Why do cable channels run the same movies to death three to four times a week while older more obscure movies only seen once in a millenium never see the light of day?

6. Where does Jerry Springer get those people?

7. Why does Hollywood think a movie into a TV series a great idea, but a TV series converted into a movie not a good idea?

8. Why do actors credit their success to their fans then hide behind big walls and guard dogs and refuse a few autographs when they are in public?

9. Why has no one issued a court order against Pauly Shore, Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jim Carey and Kathy Griffin from doing any more movies?

10. Just who are the genuises who approve TV shows like Rugrats, Spongebob, Pokeman, Family Guy, American Dad, King of the Hill and the Mighty Freaking Morphin Power Rangers?  

I've said it before; I have weird dreams. I dream of tv series and episodes that don't exist, of acting roles that will never happen and of meeting tv characters that would have restraining orders in my name. It happened again. Removing the imagery and surreal symbolism, I dreamt I was married to Reese Witherspoon and my daughters were clones of Kelly Clarkson and Vanessa Anne Hudgins; why do they need allowances if they have multi-million dollar singing careers? To make the dream interesting, my ex-girlfriends, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera showed up. "Um, Reese, can we borrow your husband for the Grammys?" I don't know what it's trying to tell me; oh yeah, I wish I had a family of my own!!!

I don't know why I haven't blogged about this yet, but I just approved the cover of my book. It should be out in 6-8 weeks from the first week in January from PublishAmerica through Ingram and Barnes&Noble. It's called "Volunteer Ghosts" and its probably going to be the most definitive guide to haunted locations here in TN. I've been compiling this book for years from multiple sources (books, TV, internet, conversations, newspaper, magazines...) and it will list by city both cursory and extended descriptions of numerous haunted houses from the infamous, like the Bell Witch Farm to the obscure like the former Capitol Records Building in Nashville (now Music City Digital). The book lists probably 200-300 locations, several of which no longer exist. I was worried that PublishAmerica would want cover art based on the hillbilly/redneck stereotype, but they've proved more responsible than that. Haven't told a lot of my relatives I'm getting published so I can stick it in their faces, though. It hasn't hit me yet; I guess I'll believe it when the book is in my hands and I have the first residual check in my hands.

I just saw "Night At the Museum" and the previews for the next "Spiderman" and "Fantastic Four." Nick Cage ought to be a good Ghost Rider, and I've learned to accept the new Four, but I still think it would have been better if the series had occurred later in their careers and had starred Kevin Costner and Maureen McCormick as Reed and Sue. Tobey McGuire has become the best Spiderman than Nicholas Hammond ever was, but Christopher Reeve and even Dean Cain still trump Brandon Routh as Superman. Michael Keaton is still the best Batman ever in my opinion while Lou Ferrigno makes for the best tabloid Hulk as opposed to the more comic-faithful CGI Hulk. I love Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, but Vanessa Williams looks more like Storm than Halle Berry and I'd prefer Carmen Electra as an adult Rogue over Anna Paquin playing a teenage Rogue. Don't like whats-her-name as Jean Grey. If any more movies are forth-coming I suggest:

Lynda Carter playing Hippolyta to Nicole Kidman as Wonder Woman.

Tyler Mane would make a good Thor, but the role needs an unknown like Ben Reed to play the role. Besides, Ben already played Thor on "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys."

Only one actress should play the She Hulk: Roberta Vasquez, this former police woman and model and actress is a body builder and incredibly sexy; don't even mention the name of the WWF she-male around me.

I still often picture young and pre-mom Britney Spears as Supergirl, but if you're replacing Helen Slater for a better Supergirl movie, Kara should be played by Kaley Cuoco from "Eight Simple Rules" The alternate Lana Lang clone would then be Britney.

Erika Eleniak as Power Girl!

Rutger Hauer and Victoria Principal as Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch!

I can only see Green Lantern Kyle Gardner should be played by Dylan McDemott.

I still see an experienced actor like Tom Selleck playing Iron Man over than that of a younger actor.

Uma Thurman as that fictional superheroine in "My Super Ex-Girlfriend?" Ugh!!! I can think of ten much more attractive actresses that that role should have gone to!

Okay, so I hear that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are back together after he cheated on Nicole. Yeah................... There's something I never understood about this. If you're a guy, and you're dating Nicole Kidman, would you WANT to cheat? Who could possibly measure up against Nicole that you would WANT to fool around?

Same question I want to pose to Ryan Phillippe now that Reese Witherspoon is fair game. Dude, JUST WHAT were you thinking?! Again, if you are lucky enough to be married to one of the the most beautiful women in the world, would you want to cheat? If I was married to Reese, and now that she's single she's fair game, I'd be scared to death that she'd be cheating on me!!!

About the stupidest thing you can do is actually kill off a beautiful woman to fool around with a blonde anorexic bimbo. Yes, my award for schmuck of the century goes to Scott Peterson, the nimrod who killed off the beautiful woman he was married to (who was carrying his baby!!!!) to fool around with a peice of blonde trailer trash who couldn't even compare to his wife. What an idiot!

"Hey, Scott, you've just murdered your wife, tried to get away with it, become the object of hate and revile by all your friends and family, been the star of a lengthy and heavily documented trial and been crucified by the media; what are you doing next?"

"I'm going to the electric chair!!!!!"  

I used to watch a lot of DisneyChannel, but Disney cancelled all if its hit shows and replaced them with godawful cartoons. I'm watching a lot more Court TV these days; this network has the funniest shows ever. It's full of idiots breaking the law who think they are going to get away with it. Check out this dialogue from "Police Videos:"

Dumb Guy getting arrested: "Aren't You Supposed to Serve and Protect?"  

Officer: "Yeah, from people like you!"

Another one:

Dumb guy pinned to asphalt: "You shouldn't have been chasing me."

Officer: "You shouldn't be pawning bad checks."

These people are idiots. They're man enough to break the law, but they run like little kids instead of standing like men when it's time to be arrested. I mean, if past history says you're going to be arrested for the crimes you're about to do, why do it? The police, the FBI, Interpol, Scotland Yard are getting better and even more high tech every week at catching criminals, yet criminals are getting stupider. I just saw footage of five boozed out kids after shoplifting a quickie-mart and shooting at the clerk driving a bullet-ridden mercedes on its shredded rims with its back end sparking hot enough to start a fire still try to outrun the police. The police stopped the car to save their lives from the smoking gas tank and the young punks still tried to get away (they were caught in seconds spring from the car!). Funny thing, one of their mothers screams at the police station, "But he's such a good boy!" but when she sees the footage of the police video, she grabs her chest and smacks her kid with her other arm! What about the crooks getting out of jail? They say they don't want to go back to jail, but what's the first thing they do when they get out? They break the law. If they REALLY didn't want to go back, wouldn't the logical thing to do would be GO STRAIGHT and NOT rob the nearest bank?

They're idiots.....

Ever have a really great dream that you wished you would never wake up from. What have you dreamed that you can talk openly with, and did you know it was a dream? A date, a relationship or marriage with that beautiful actress that you'll never meet? Meeting the characters of a long gone TV Show? I've have personally been on Gilligan's Island, run a mission with Colonel Hogan, shared a kiss with Ally McBeal, been a guest of the Munsters, been a spirit on "Ghost Hunters" and a member of the Collins Family on "Dark Shadows." I have been Adam as an adult on "Bewitched," a cast member of "Whose Line," and shipwrecked with Hurley, Sawyer and Jack on "Lost." Why does my mind take me to these incredible and excellent places? I guess because it's the waking world I don't want to return to.

Hands up if you hate the holidays. I don't know what bothers me more: relatives arguing about who has to get what relatives in what house, being trapped in a house with a bunch of people who pretend to like you who then pretend you don't exist for the rest of the year or the question: "What do you want for Xmas?" Why does anyone ask this when they have already bought what they are going to give you? Every year I ask for white undershirts; I've been wearing the same white undershirts for twenty years, but I'm really going to get blank VHS cassettes. I've still got blank VHS cassettes I haven't used yet from five years ago. I might as well as ask for peace and quiet; I know I ain't getting that! I'd be happy to get a gift card from Wal-Mart to get those DVDS I've been putting off buying. Where will I be eating Thanksgiving? In whatever restraunt that will be open that day. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Xmas. I just feel as if the spirit of it is lost on my relatives. My favorite Xmas Carol? "Have A Merry Freaking Xmas"

I was a big fan of "That 70s Show" when it was still on the air, but I'd have liked to have seen Jackie earn some humility and get together with Eric. I mean, Kelso was no good for her and Hyde didn't give her the romance she wanted, and between Eric and Fez, I think Eric and Jackie were a better match. Laurie Prepon wasn't much of a looker anyway. I'd have called her Sasquatch!

Her name is Vanessa Anne Hudgins; she's one of the stars of that over the top Disney move, "High School High." Haven't seen it yet, but it's supposed to be good. Anyway, she's got this music video where she comes off as.... mature. She's what?... Fifteen, Sixteen, and she seems to have killer legs and she's making come-hither looks, and generally vamping her viewers, and I realize, my lord, I'm old enough to be her father!!! Her "High School High" co-star Ashley Tisdale isn't quite so blatant, but she's also trying to be more mature than her years. About the only teen pop star who isn't pulling this schtick is Miley Cyrus, aka Hannah Montana. She's funny, charming and infectious and I can't get her songs out of my head, but with Vanessa and Ashley I'm thinking, why can't I be fifteen again or wishing they were old enough to have gone to school with me. I'm not a creep, I'm not trying to be, but I think young girls should behave as young girls. Did we not learn anything from the murder of Jon Benet Ramsey? She was murdered by someone who tried to abduct her. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera? Pop stars to Rock Goddesses practically overnight. I blame it on the moral degradation of modern teenagers. As Gil Grissom says, "You can give teens a moral compass, but it's up to them to follow it!"