@emil_fontz said:
C'mon, Alli. Where you at, baby?
You definitely have an interesting start here. I quite like the contrast between the light and dark imagery, however, the line, “Its contrast with the surrounding darkness intensified its glow; it was damaging to naked eyes,” is probably not needed, in the interest of more showing, less telling.
There isn’t a whole lot of conflict here, and that’s fine. Personally, I enjoy slow buildups myself, but you may wish to consider it might be off putting to some readers who want the story to “jump right into the action” so to speak. I’m not saying every scene has to have Tolkien-esque battles, its just something to consider.
We also don’t learn much about your protagonist from this scene beyond a small shred of details, and since I’m assuming this is the start of a new story/chapter, that’s fine, but you may think about introducing some key details sooner, rather than later. The quicker your reader can identify with your protagonist , the easier it is for them to want to accompany them on their journey, so to speak.
Editing mistakes aside, a more varied word choice would definitely help. Of particular note are the words, “screen,”, “darkness”, and “sheets.” A thesaurus couldn't hurt.
It’s also difficult to completely analyze a work of fiction in anything under a few pages, but I’d say you have a decent start here.
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