@airshocker said:
5/10. A LOT of grammatical errors(I would suggest picking up the book The Elements of Style by Strunk). Your style is making you re-use words. Change it up. Instead of using bunch a second time, use group, etc. Narration seems a little bit rushed. Not enough description after the first few paragraphs. Need to clean up the spacing. Some of those single sentences don't deserve their own paragraph.
I used to make a killing in high school editing papers.
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