She said she loves me.

Alright, I suppose I should back up a bit. In a recent blog about 10 days ago, though now deleted, I mentioned that I had a great first date with a girl but the relationship was over due to our differences. However, we talked, and talked, and talked some more. Despite being two people who are in radically different places, there is a commonality in that our goals in life eventually leads us into the same direction. During our many discussions and ramblings, we officially began a dating relationship.

Here's the thing, I have come to the conclusion that I fear commitement. Due to past hurts, I find it rather difficult to become emotionally attached to another person. One of my coworkers noted that the only emotion that I am capable of is love for God, of which I corrected her by adding a second emotion of hatred toward sin.

Though I am certainly becoming emotionally attached, I fear becoming vulnerable once again. Due to my fears, of which being nothing personal with her, I have found myself incapable of becoming dependant upon another. Though I care for her more than I ever expected to within such a short length of time, I am fearful of giving away my trust once again.

Regardless of my inability to truly connect emotionally, I have enjoyed her company and being able to share with another person once again. Whether or not this is even a sensible statement or not I do not know, but over the last few years of being single I had become lonely but had forgotten that I was even lonely. Now that I am finally able to open up the amount that I have, it has been great. Sharing your life with another person is amazing, I just have to remember how to do so once again.

What will happen, I do not know. What I can say is that I am liking the way things are going more and more with each passing day despite my insecurities. Every day I find her to be more and more amazing.

Today she told me, "I think I am in love with you." I was incapable of responding in the same manner largely because of my own personal issues. Does my heart race at the mere mention of her? Absolutely. Am I capable of devoting such a large part of my life to another person? Sadly, apparently not. Hopefully she will be patient with me as I seek after my own sanity.

And as a side subject, the racism I am having to deal with inside my own family because I am dating a girl outside of my ethnicity is idiotic. I never expected so much backlash. o_O

(Also put as a topic in the Christian Union)

I have been struggling with this idea recently.

That is, not the idea of whether or not we should repent before the holy God of Scripture but at what point are we to use this phrase toward others.

Go to the vast majority of churches in the United States and the typical evangelistic message will consist of how we are publically make a declaration of our faith (typically by walking down an isle) or pray a certain prayer "to receive God in your heart.

However, is this in any conceivable way right and correct theology? Jesus' entire earthly preaching ministry is summarized with the statement in Matthew 4:17, "From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, 'Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.'" Is there any better way to summarize the general idea of his teachings?

Peter's sermon at Pentecost ended with him blaming the crowds for Christ's death followed by the statement in Acts 2:36-37, "When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, 'Brothers, what shall we do?' Peter replied, 'Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.'" To summarize, if a person wishes to respond to Christ then he should best do so by way of repentance?

For what purpose common way of presenting a salvation message as "admit, believe, and confess." Why not this: God is good, you are not, and repent of your sin. That is, place your faith in Christ rather than the things of this world

Some might say that this idea of just preaching repentance is contrary to the idea what we are to simply place our faith in Christ. However, what is truly the difference? If we place our faith in Christ rather then the things of this world then would that not mean we are repenting or turning from the idols of this world to Christ? To place your faith in and trust in Christ is united perfectly with repenting before God.

I mention all of this to go back to my original point: at what point do we actually tell others to repent?

One is not required to use the specific word "repent" but the idea must be used. Why is it that the idea is not mentioned every Sunday service? Why is the idea not mentioned between "Christian friends." Heck, have you ever on a personal basis had a Christian confront you in your sin telling you to turn from said sin toward God?

Is the idea seen too judgmental? Is it incorrect theology? Or is the church (myself included) sharing Christ wrongly?

They are idiots.

How is it that I both love the church and yet hate it all at once? It's not that I'm merely annoyed with the church but I seem to be becoming repulsed by it more and more with each passing day! I hate their lack of love. I hate their lack of hatred towards that which is not explicitly love. I hate their lack of repentance.

Before I am referred to as being "offensive" or what have you, let me explain.

What is the purpose of the church? To be specific, what is the purpose of both the institution of the church and the body of believers as the Church? Is it merely a specific place where "holy people" are to gather, "worship from the heart," and then get some emotional giddiness from an inspirational sermon? Or rather, are we to be a broken people seeking the mercy of God by means of remembering the Gospel, rejoicing in the Gospel, and then reading a text directly from Scripture about the Gospel?

Even then, that is not all of it. There are two views of what the church is. View 1: a place where Christians gather to "fuel up" for their week. View 2: a people who are actively involved in the celebration and spreading of the Gospel.

What are the differences between those two views?

In view 1 the Christian goes to church out of necessity because he has not fueled himself up in God's Word during the week. His worship experience is defined entirely by Sunday morning and possibly various church events during the week. He goes because he is supposed to and he has no other way to grow in the faith.

In view 2 the Christian goes to church to celebrate how Christ has worked during that week and simply seeks to share in rejoicing with others during that time. The purpose of church becomes less about "getting something from it" and more about releasing your joy that Christ has risen and his resurrection has changed your life, not merely your Sunday morning. He goes for the sake of building up the body of Christ, not himself. He does not simply go to church but he is the Church. Rather than going into the "house of God," he is the house of God because the Spirit of God dwells within him!

As you can tell, if I speak of the church from here on out, "church" is the building where people gather that I am aggravated with and the "Church" is who are are to become as a body of Christ. "church" = generally bad. "Church" = always good.

Now that this explanation is over with, let's rant.

I hate when the church is not the Church. I hate when people who claim to be Christians rejoice that God has saved them and yet do absolutely nothing to express that they indeed are joyful by means of sharing it. If we truly rejoice in that the infinitely good God of the universe had mercy and grace upon us who are totally depraved then how could we possibly shut up about it?

God called us to share the Gospel, to rejoice in the Gospel, and to know the Gospel. If you asked the average Christian what the Gospel even is, will they even know? Is it simply, "We get to go to heaven." Yippy ... No, that's not the Gospel. The Gospel is that God created a good earth, we broke it, and through the life, death, resurrection, glorification, and eventual second coming of Jesus Christ we might be able to receive the mercy of God rather than his wrath. We, through Christ's substitution, can be made right before God despite our wickedness. That is the Gospel! That's what is so exciting!

When was the last time you ever heard of something actually mourning the death of Christ? Our own sin? Or perhaps, when was the last time you ever heard of someone actually crying out of joy that God would have grace upon us outside of their "salvation experience"?

Why does the church not rejoice in the very Gospel in which it was founded? Why?!

Could it be that the vast majority of churches is not the Church (don't think you might be exempt bud, I'm not)? Ecclesiastes 12:13 states as the summary of the book, "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." Have you ever heard a sermon or heard another person speak of fearing God as a good thing? Ever?!

God is God. Why does such a statement seem so groundbreaking and revolutionary? If God is truly the infinitely powerful maker of heaven and earth; the author, originator, and result of all things good; the redeemer of the world; the hater of sin and injustice; the one who will make all things right in this world; etc. then why do we respond to him merely as if he wishes for us to have "our best life now" (Yes, that's a gouge toward Joel Osteen)?

What spurred all of this on you ask? A culmination of things whether it be experiences, sermons, and Scripture.

Experience: I've been trying to live as a missionary with those I am around. As a result, I had quit looking for a church job and instead find a normal job. With that, I have met people who do not attend church for the sake of sharing Christ with them. One such person gave me what I think was his last experience in a church. He did not have time to dress nicely as it was a last minute thing and he had work afterwards. As he tried to enter the church, the ushers turned him away! What the hell?! Based upon that testimony, it seemed as if he was seeking after Christ more earnestly that those who serve the "church"! This is but one of many stories I have heard recently.

Sermons: David Platt and Francis Chan. Look them up, almost radical ideas in comparison to many "church" teachings.

Scripture: Jonah, the Prodigal Son, the Sermon on the Mount, etc.

In preparation for the Bible study that I lead I have been doing some in-depth research on the book of Jonah. If there is anything I can say of him it would be that he is an idiot. Jonah is normally preached as an evangelistic sermon for people who are "running from God." However, that seems to be a lesser point of many other points made in this book. He claimed to fear God and yet every pagan in the book feared God more than he! He hated the idea of God having grace upon the 120,000 in Nineveh and yet remorses over a plant's death when the plant had been shading him. The closest thing to a good thing he did was praise God when he was saved from the belly of the whale. Even then he is a self-righteous idiot who cares nothing of the salvation of others and yet rejoices when it is over himself. Jonah is an idiot and we are all Jonah.

Within the story of the Prodigal Son the rebellious son is welcomed home by his loving father, a parable of the Gospel itself. However, this is not the whole story. Jesus when he spoke this was speaking to the religious people of the day and as such, he was speaking of something that would apply to them. He was not comparing them to the prodigal son but to the older brother. You see, the brother of the rebellious son had no heart for the grace of God. He would not rejoice in the salvation of his brother. Are we who consider ourselves to be the church any different?

The Sermon on the Mount also has multitudes of information. One point I'd like to make from it would be the idea that we should love God, love people, but not love our righteousness. We are to rejoice in the righteousness of God, not our own moral ability or supposed moral superiority.

As an end to my rant, I'll leave with this last annoyance: since when does just feeling bad for our sin or admitting who Christ is save us? We are saved not by works but solely by the grace of God! If that is the case then what are we to do? Simply receive the grace offered to us by way of repentance! Yes, repent. We need no three step ABC's of becoming a Christian (admit, believe, confess), but the judgmental word "repent" will do nicely.

Edit: As a side note, don't take what I'm trying to say wrongly for I myself do not have it perfectly right and am in need of more repenting than anyone else...

As an update of sorts from my previous post, I arise with new information and a question. Essentially, I have been invited to go to a gay bar. Alright, let's digest this a moment longer.

I have been invited to hang out at a gay bar.

If I were to respond with the phrase "Oh my God," I would not be making a profain statement but would be saying a prayer that features no other words to respond.

Alright, now that the statement has been stated, I give the question: go or not?

Should I go hang out with those who are far from Christ with the full intention of sharing Christ but feeling extremely uncomfortable, or do I decline. They know I hang out with them for the purpose of sharing Christ with them as I have explicitly stated this and yet they want me around. Do I follow through with hanging out with them so that I might be able to continue sharing Christ with them or do I retreat into a foxhole with the claim that it is for my own holiness.

As it is, I certainly agree I should not go somewhere that I might be tempted into sin but I do not have that issue here. I'd simply be uncomfortable and the "typical Christian response" that I get is that it's not safe. So? Also, how does their sexual preference cause me to be in harm's way?

If I truly wish for the world to know Christ then comfort and safety should not be my priority but rather, the salvation of those who do not know Christ.

What comfort zones will I leave in order to share Christ?

In stating all of this, please do not take me the wrong way. I am not seeking to sacrifice holiness for popularity purposes but am simply trying to exit this "religious bubble" for the sake of the Gospel. I am also not trying to think lowly upon anyone but this is simply outside of my general comfort zone. I'm used to hanging out with conservative ministry students, not those generally looked down upon by the American church.

After going through 9 semesters of school where the vast majority of my classes were spent dealing with Jesus, I had begun entering into the mindset of, "I can't wait to get out there to minister." While it's certainly possible to minister on the campus of a private Baptist University and on a seminary campus, I wanted to minister to those who were far from God. After taking classes on how to do evangelism, I wanted to actually do it.

While talking about Jesus here helped a little, it was not enough. This past January I had started a break from school and I am still on that break. During this time I had begun working as a barista in a coffee shop. I love caffeine and it was a job where "normal" people also worked, "normal" being those who were not planning to have full-time jobs sharing Christ professionally.

With this job I have been able to take 1 Corinthians 10:31 quite literally. The text states, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." In seeking to bring glory to God, my desire was and has been to share Christ with my coworkers as much as the job would allow. Thankfully, I have been able to share Christ plenty and far more than I was even expecting.

As an example of what the typical situation for me has been, last Saturday night after work I ate out with two gay guys who are in a relationship, a rather large gay man who was very ... open, a bisexual female coming out of a serious relationship with another woman, and a "normal" couple where the female just came out of a lesbian relationship. Let's not forget the Buddhist I also hang out with and the transgendered used-to-be-a-man I met recently.

It's been difficult but I have somehow managed to regularly mention our need for repentance and they still seem to want me around. The opportunities for explicitly sharing the Gospel has continuously happened and them being a "spiritual people" has welcomed such conversation. As they have begun to respect me as a person, they are beginning to at the least respect my view of who Jesus is. I just pray this process continues so that they eventually experience the mercy and grace of Christ upon them in a miraculous way.

During this process, I have experienced things and are dealing with things I had not expected nor planned.

1. Initially I had planned to have the "Protestant work ethic" and work in such a way that I stand out in my devotion to God through my job. While I certainly have that ethic, it's hard to present it in this way when I actually suck at my job. I am not a good barista. While I can certainly make any drink (almost) to perfection and can make them to look pretty, I am clumsy and slow which makes the rest of my job difficult.

Simply not being a natural at the job has also been coupled with my inability to always be morally perfect. While I certainly know of my imperfections, I try to work on them and not publicise them unless I see the need to do so for the sake of helping another person or helping myself become more holy. I have shown unintentionally that I am in just as much in need of Christ than anyone else.

Thankfully, in my professional and moral failures, God has shown himself exalted. While I cannot live perfectly, God has granted me the blessing to show his perfection in my weakness. I do not have it all together but I know someone who does.

2. One particular individual I work with is a joy. She's funny and finds me absolutely hilarious. Her falling on the floor in laughter at my statements is a regular occurrence. She's also a rather beautiful girl. There has also been a small amount of flirting on my part and a large amount of explicit flirting on her part. I'm under the impression that she might like me. The problem? She doesn't know the God I serve.

I am not a fan of "missionary dating." That is, dating that has the purpose of converting the other person. While we are certainly supposed to strengthen one another spiritually, what am I to do if she never comes to Christ? Break up with her and cause her to reject Christ because I reject her because of him? This is not how I'd want to handle a relationship.

As with point 1, I can only pray that God grants me discernment in these situations.

I would have put this into my video blog on youtube, but I felt the need to make this a little bit more anonymous. While I try to have my life be an open book, I try not to take that approach when other people are involved.

Over the past 5 weeks or so I have been working about 60 hours a week. One of these two jobs I have is about an hour away from my house so add another 12 hours or so of driving each week. A week or two of this and I was fine. Now that it has been over a month I am about to go insane from the exhaustion.

This would explain where I have been lately.

That is all, I just felt the need to complain a little. *passes out*

I figured I'd play along since more than one person tagged me. And I shall tag you guys back. :D

You've been tagged, here are the rules:

1. Put Your iTunes (or other music player) on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends.6. Anyone tagged has to do the same, because fun pointlessness spreads like a virus.


So here we go....


1. If someone says, "Is this okay?" You say
Praise to the Lord (The Parsons) (Yes, you might as well expect a lot of religious songs by people you've never heard of.)


2. How would you describe yourself?
The Battle is Already Won (Keith Green) (And this oddly does describe a major way I think and interact with the world... Being a Calvinist might have something to do with that.)


3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
Radiant (Sackcloth & Ashes) (Well it's certainly not something I'd turn down. :P )


4. How do you feel today?
All My Tears (Ex Nihilo) (LOL. In no way does the song title fit my mood. However, to clarify the song is about how Christ wipes away "all my tears")

5. What is your life's purpose?
No Depression (The Mars Hillbillies) (Not necessarily my goal but certainly not a bad thing to avoid. :P )


6. What is your motto?
Keep All that Junk to Yourself (Keith Green) (LOL. If I tried to find a song intentionally there couldn't be a better one. I don't keep that as a motto however.)


7. What do your friends think of you?
How Great Thou Art (The Parsons) (Apparently I am just that awesome.)


8. What do you think of your parents?
To Obey is Better than Sacrifice (Keith Green) (lol... I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this)


9. What do you think about very often?
Set Me Free (Casting Crowns) (Depends upon the sense. From sin? Yes.)


10. What is 2 + 2?
We are Listening (Not sure who the artist is but it's from Sojourn Church) (Apparently I seek to know what others think about the answer...)


11. What do you think of your best friend?
When I Survey the Wondrous Cross (Loma) (If I argue that Jesus is my best friend then sure. :P )


12. What do you think of the person you like?
Pledge My Head to Heaven (Keith Green) (Wait, what? The song title, not so much. However, there is a lyric within the song that very much characterizes what I wish to do in my future marriage though said in a corny fashion, "I'd rather be found dead than love her more than the one who saved my soul." Keep in mind this guy sang songs back around 1980.)


13. What is your life story?
Dedication of St. Patrick (The Mars Hillbillies) (Wait... what?)


14. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Holy, Holy, Holy (Keith Green) (Yup... but not in the sense that I'd be taking away God's holiness)


15. What do you think of when you see the person you like?
I Don't Wanna Fall Away From You (Keith Green) (Apparently I have a lot of Keith Green songs... and the title fits well I suppose. However, there isn't really anyone I like romantically.)


16. What will you dance to at your wedding?
Down Here, We All Float (Sullivan) (That's right, I dance with such skill that I might as well be floating.)


17, What will they play at your funeral?
Easter Song (Keith Green) (That's right, I'm coming back sucka!)


18. What is your hobby/interest?
Glory Be (also from Sojourn Church) (I can't make sense of this one...)


19. What is your biggest fear?
YHWH (Team Strike Force) (LOL, I seriously am following the rules here and am not making this up. I will say that I certainly do strive to fear God more than anything.)


20. What is your biggest secret?
You Are the One (Keith Green) ( :oops: )


21. What do you think of your friends?

Faithful (also from Sojourn Church) (How sweet of me to think so.)

22. What will you put as the title?
Tomorrow (Ashborne) (Apparently I'm a procrastinator.)

Though in a financial crisis, the United States has a wealth of not only money but people and other resources. The United States has more Christian book stores, "churches," Christian radio stations, and, God forbid, Christian television stations than anywhere else in the world. Financially, we are the wealthiest people in the world and our resources are seemingly limitless.

However.

We do an absolutely horrible job at making the glory of God known among not only the nations but our very own nation. Despite our resources, many argue that the United States is becoming increasingly pagan every day. Do we do such a horrible job at sharing the Gospel because of our disobedience or because God has lifted his Holy Spirit enabled power from among us?

While I do believe the answer to that is both and not simply just one answer, could it be that God wishes his glory to be made known through the insignificant instead? In what way would God be shown the most glorious, the wealthy and powerful of the world working to spread the Gospel or the downtrodden and poor working miracles to spread the glory of the Gospel?

In our weakness, God is most shown exalted. Has God lifted his hand from among us so that others will rise up or is God merely putting us through the refiner's fire so that we learn it is God who works miracles, not ourselves?

What God is doing, I do not know. What I can say is that God's glory will be made known one way or the other, I can only pray that I might be a part of that movement.

After a few days in planning, I have released my first video on Youtube describing the future direction of the channel. While I do not actually discuss anything just yet, this video lays the groundwork for all future discussions, ramblings, and vain talks.

Let me know what you think.

A logo. I felt as if this CaffeinatedTheology Youtube channel needed a visual component that united it all together and I may have found it. Being that I wish for this video blog to not only be informative but entertaining, I wish to use whatever resources I have available and drawing is one of those resources.

The current sketch I have planned out is the following. (If you can't see the whole thing, click here)

The drawing is rather ruff in design but you get the idea. While I certainly need to clean it up a bit, I am rather fond of the concept thus far, especially the heart/cross aspect. The meaning behind this cross is the basic topic I wish to address in the blog - Love God (vertical relationship) and love man (horizontal relationship), Christ being the heart of the Gospel, etc.