It all began in 1998. The video game company once known as 3DO created a phenomenal series that comprised an outstanding theory but a lousy execution. They had the right idea but made the wrong moves. They were responsible in creating countless console games throughout the years like Heroes of Might & Magic, Battletanx, Uprising and of course- Army Men. When it first made its debut in the late 90's, many were sceptical with it's bizzare control schemes and universe but the moment Army Men II was released, the audience knew what they were getting at.
Army Men is like a Toy Story spin-off but with a lot more attitude and mayhem to it. Although it had no connection nor any link with the hit Disney/Pixar movie of whatsoever, but the idea of having the human world and the plastic world co-existing together made it an interesting twist. Basically, Army Men is all about war against the Green the Tan Army battling together in a fictional plastic world. Both nations are in conflict for many years, waging wars amongst themselves and melting every last plastic souls within range. We see the Green Army as the good side and the Tan Army as the evil side, the so-called most notorious legion even far more superior than the Nazis.
The Green Army is being led around by Colonel Grimm, a sad-looking gruff man who people claims never to have seen him smile or laugh before. Sergeant Hawk, Sarge for short, is Grimm's most promising soldier and the main character of the Army Men series. Though his physique changed from time to time but Sarge isdefinitely one of the coolest hero ever to be made (From plastic). Then, you have General Plastro, a psychotic but a failing leader of the Tan army who is never good with his actions more than his words. So there are many more characters produced in the course of the series and yet, 3DO had fail to let the audience realize that this is an incredible game and it's one of its kind.
First and foremost, I would like to stress out the key element that made Army Men a really cool game- the storyline. It is a universe of imagination, filled with fantastic setups like the gardens, bathrooms, bedrooms, toyshops and many more. I always thought having toys battling with each other on these awesome locales seem like the greatest fantasy for a toy lover like myself to witness. I mean, come on, I'm pretty sure some of you had experiences with toys from the past and doing stuff like a Batman figure duking out with The Joker, the Ninja Turtles kicking The Shredder's sorry ass, and the Autobots smashing the bits out of Megatron and his clan, etc. And at one point, you wish these toys would come to life, and all you have to do is to sit down on your most comfortable couch and let your toys do the fighting and dramas for you.
As weird as it may sound for most people, I am a HUGE fan of the Army Men series and I just love playing all their games. I have a big collection of their games and one part of my wish list is to obtain ALL of the Army Men games starting from the PC version to the PS1 and finally the PS2. I really had a great time playing them all from the very day it was first released and it just made me cry for more. So after the Y2K ended, my prayers were answered. Sequels started pouring in dramatically from all ports alike and everyone had lost count because it was blooming like there's no tomorrow.
Unfortunately, that tomorrow never did come. In 2003, the 3DO Company filed for chapter eleven bankruptcy and declared themselves "f**ked". And thus, the 3DO games, including Heroes and especially Army Men, were dissolved. I was crushed and heartbroken when I heard the news. But as pitiful as it was, I had a feeling that this would come. I knew that one day 3DO will make a huge loss of profit and would start wondering to themselves why are they losing so much money after all the advertising and games they made. If I were in front of them, I would raise both of my arms high up front, give an angry look and point both middle fingers at them. After all these years, I still don't understand why 3DO did the same mistakes over and over again, even though both the press and the public had been complaining about it for so long. I'm referring to its gameplay. Almost 95% of the Army Men series suffer from probably the most awful, the most abysmal, the most lousiest, the most terrible and the most ugliest control schemes ever to put into a game. It sucks so badly, not even a child can handle a child-rated game. It sickens me to think after all the bad reviews given from all over the world, why 3DO didn't take the initiative to improve it? I mean gosh man, are they mentally retarded or something? Did they ever pass their programming lessons? Or better yet, do they know anything about making a video game? Ha! I guess they deserve to be bankrupt. Dumb ass!!
And that's not all. The graphics is the second worst thing about it. But however, I have no complain when it comes to the cutscenes. What's a video game without it's in-between cutscenes and as a one point awarded by me, it really looks good. The graphics are smooth, razor-sharp detailed and it looks surprisingly good that they should turn it into a cartoon series. But alas, 3DO had done it again. After those beautiful cutscenes, you will of course be playing the missions but problem is, the graphics of the overall gameplay looks awfully terrible, ugly and disgusting. Not only the environments were crappy but the character designs were the most appalling thing even a kid from a seven-year old drawing contest can do a better job. The PS1 games didn't look so bad due to it's hardware capabilities but when it switched to the PS2 and XBOX, physically nothing has changed. So WTF man?!! The whole 3DO company truly has an IQ of -5. That is officially "mentally retarded". To make it even more worser than worse, most games like Air Attack and Sarge's Heroes had no reasonable checkpoints. So if you die, you have to start a difficult mission all over again. So how do you expect to play a game when both the graphics and the gameplay are not even in average form? I guess that's why they call themselves 3DO. It stands for "ThRee-tarded Dumb-f**king 'Omosexuals!"
It's really really sad. Army Men was an amazing concept, a terrific universe for the whole family. The artwork is there, the cutscenes were quirky but fabulous, the sound effects were decent and the voice acting was life-like. They even got Jim Cummings (Responsible for voices like Disney's Pete, Darkwing Duck, Negaduck, Tigger, Winnie The Pooh, etc.) to lend his voice for Sarge, Plastro, Grimm and lots more. But allow me to stretch this again, the gameplay and the (In-game) graphics suck horribly. It makes you wonder why 3DO are such retarded developers who can't even make a decent video game for the kids?!! It just do not comprehend in terms of logic. I truly enjoy their games a lot because of its storyline, the cinematic cutscenes and the world that they created but it's difficult to fully appreciate it when it's in this extreme condition.
I was really hoping for an Army Men game to appear once more for the PSP or the Nintendo DS but after what they did with Sarge's War and Major Malfunction, all hope is lost. Their latest game, Major Malfunction was another terrible game too, even for a PS2 game. Like I said, 3DO is..I mean was one retarded company. Only a miracle can happen...like Syphon Filter. The first game was excellent but the following sequels were such disappointment. But the Dark Mirror game really revived the entire series, so here's hoping the next time Army Men make their next appearance, it will 150% better than ALL Army Men games combine.
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