I'll try and make this brief (hahaha famous last words).

Ish.

No more holding beers. I thought 2020 was rough with the virus and lockdowns and separation from family and friends (I spent all holidays alone, managed to see friends at their new house for a few hours sitting on opposite ends of their living room/dining room towards the end of the year, that's about it). Then, 2021 said, "here, 2020, hold my beer" and the continuation and uncertainty continued. But things were about to get better.

Until...

2022 chimed in. "Haha, n00bs... let me show you how it's REALLY done. Here's all my beer for holding!"

Backing up a bit to 2019. At the end of the year, I was on cloud nine. I had just gotten engaged to my partner of 6 years (knowing each other for 7) and got a promotion at work. I had more energy to work out and even though some personal tragedies hit that would delay a wedding (outside of dealing with immigration), I was feeling pretty darn good when I turned 40 in February 2020.

When the lockdowns hit, I thought, "OK, this is awful but I have so much to look forward to when we get out of this mess." I went about reorganizing my apartment to make sure my fiance had some space when he could finally move here, got a storage unit and all. Bought stuff that would work for the reorganizing and our future together. I couldn't plan a wedding (was waiting to hire an immigration lawyer and file paperwork until the lockdowns eased up, no sense in getting paperwork lost in the uncertainty) but got a few trinkets that were fun and helped me remember the comfort of being engaged, even though I couldn't see my fiance for almost 2 years due to international travel restrictions.

Fast forward to 2022: the work environment deteriorated over the last few years and became openly hostile--all the benefits in the world can't make up for watching a bunch of tweedles running equipment, ignoring various safety advice for operations (as it was my job to give them both training and guidance, with zero authority to hold them accountable) and their manager continually negating my training and operational assessments; my health has gone downhill and I had a major surgery in January that I am not recovering well from (should have taken another month off but i didn't know my recovery was so poor until I went back) and I was just yesterday FINALLY given a diagnosis for a lump in my tummy I've had since high school that has increased in pain and discomfort over the last few years and gotten much worse post-surgery (of course the specialty doctor was not helpful in providing how to move forward in a sustainable way and ignored most of my questions, I think he really off when I saw him, the whole appointment was ridiculous but the diagnosis makes sense). My sister has also undergone several major surgeries this year and we're really close so that's hitting me hard, I'm trying to be there for her as much as I can. Then there were some other major family health events and scares already...

But the worst part is that through everything, I had little in person support once my mom left 2 weeks post op. I felt completely isolated and everyone had their own things going on, and I don't think they realized how big my surgery was and I didn't have the fortitude to ask for help a bunch of times. The stress and depression led to a huge fight with my fiance to the point where he pretty much completely quit on the relationship and I don't even know if we're engaged anymore (though that itself is pretty telling of what the status of that is...).

So 2022 has so far been the worst year of my life. Everything I thought I was working for, that I thought my patience and fortitude had earned, has disintegrated before my very eyes. I keep seeing people making decisions that continue the cycles of pain for themselves and those around them, and I can't change it (though I've tried to help, I can't force anyone to choose happiness).

I'm really trying not to make those same mistakes. I don't want these events to change the inherently happy person that I am, and I will NOT move to inflict pain on others because I'm suffering, but I also wish I could find some sort of comfort.

The only real constant in my life has been gaming. Maybe that's dumb or childish or pathetic, but it's a great way to escape the endless running of my mind and focus on something else that can bring a smile to my face, even if temporarily, and allow me to more subconsciously process all the things going on around me. My new living room has been a bit of comfort, and with my awesome TV and gaming setup it's something I actually look forward to at the end of the day. The trick is not to let it become everything and stop you from moving on, but it is a good retreat for now and I'll take it.

And I'm trying.

Hope everyone else out there is doing OK after all the cray cray! Let me know in the comments if you like!

-z

6 years since my last blog... My, how time flies. Guess there's no time like the present to throw an update out there and see how it sticks!

Consider yourself warned, though, I'm going to get a little personal. Hopefully not creepy, though ;)

It's amazing how gaming can be like music and signify different times in your life. Games have also gotten me through a lot. Over the course of the years since my last blog, I've read articles about how gaming can help manage pain, if used properly. Gaming involves so many of your senses (and even more with the improvement of VR) it really can take you away from your thoughts, troubles and pain by shifting your senses from those issues into focus on the game experience. Like anything, there's a time and a place, healthy and unhealthy practices; if you're not careful, you forget to deal with your pain and it becomes like an addiction.

For me, gaming has been a blessing. While I have definitely games too much on occasion, I still get my stuff done for the most part. The last 6 years have been very up and down. Today, however, I write from the perspective of a broken heart. Here's how I got here.

About 9 or so years ago, I broke up with a really sad person. I will be blunt, he was emotionally abusive and that relationship changed me forever--some for better but some for worse. That's just how life is anyway, we go through things and we change. During the breakup process, he tormented me because I could not legally kick him out as he was on the lease. I finally bribed him to sign off the lease and leave, but that was some of the roughest time in my life. But gaming helped get me through it. I mined all over in Terraria, built super cool glass storage homes and decorated with all sorts of torches, I think it's the demon torches that have the rainbow RGB effect, super cool! I could lose myself for hours and flex my creative, productive muscles.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution also transported me away from the pain. That game was so good I had dreams of jumping off rooftops, knocking two baddies heads together all stealthy-like and getting my sneak on! Playing as Adam Jensen, a strong but complicated dude fighting for what's right, gave me a sense of justice that was lacking in my own life, and it felt good to be humanity's helper.

About a year later, I met another man online. I really didn't want to meet anyone online as that's how I met my ex, but long story short he was here on GS and friends with a super cool chick here so I figured I'd say hi back after he reached out. We played online games together almost every night and made a great team. A year later, we met in person and he was everything he said he was. Fast forward another 6 years and we got engaged in November of 2019. I'll get back to that in a bit.

In between all that, about the same time I'd met my fiance in person, I moved from California to Rhode Island to change jobs within the company. I was a field engineer near Sacramento, CA, for a global company, and ended up transferring to our corporate office to run classes training new field engineers and communicating our field engineering work to wider audiences. I had so much fun! It was a grueling job, but I loved it. Even when I had a few groups of students who were sourpots and hated me--how do I know? They told me in the survey lolcry! Eh, that's life. Sure it hurt at the time, but I used their critique, even as unprofessionally personal as it was, to get stronger. I also developed a bond with a great team of trainers that I still hang out with today.

During that time, I didn't game much, but I always brought my Alienware laptop with me to the hotel I stayed at when we trained. Lots of years I was gone 75+ nights for work. Great for hotel points, bad for energy! But, again, I loved my job and put everything I had into helping people succeed (even if that sometimes meant I had to dole out tough love or teach them about disappointment lol). I can barely remember what I played back then except mostly probably Borderlands 1/2, I know I got through Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 1/2 with my fiance and a bunch of other stuff. I do know that I tried to get a few hours in the evening a few nights a week if possible to relax and get my brain away from work.

About 3 years ago (I don't even know if my timeline matches up haha), I transferred from training since it was a "temporary" 3-5 year gig to our research department, a fete one of our esteemed standards writers like to tell our class (before my move) didn't happen..."field engineers don't go into research". Challenge accepted and mission complete. I figured I would have better hours and not take work home with me and get to flex my lab brain muscles.

I can admit when I'm wrong. Let me put it this way: I LOVE what I do, but I hate the environment. What it pretty much boils down to is that I've never been the one to really operate big equipment and such, and nobody in research management really knew what my job was supposed to be when I moved! So they just kind of stuck me where I am now and I'm making the best of it. My current job is to operate large scale equipment and systems that provide services to the various labs throughout our fire testing building. These systems (air exhaust and smoke cleaning, water for fire control, heptane/propane to fuel fires, etc.) are shared between labs and sometimes changing conditions in one lab for test purposes can significantly impact conditions in other labs, so there's quite an important learning curve. Improper operations could lead to someone getting hurt, not to mention it could cost the company a TON of money for the larger tests or damage expensive equipment. No pressure there!

I love systems, though, and even though my MS is in Mechanical and Aeronautical Engineering, I think of myself as more of a systems engineer, identifying how the details of system operations impact the bigger picture between all labs and how improved operations help the company succeed. I quickly ended up identifying safer, less risky and more efficient operating methods and went to work documenting them in a way many different levels of education could use them and ended up training the operators on these new procedures, and including them in the development. Being a highly male dominated workplace, many didn't seem to take too kindly to a new female employee, MS in Engineering or not, being put in charge of procedures and training as they saw that as me "telling them what to do". I even had a higher manager complain to his boss in front of me AND his team I was teaching, "why HER? Why do we have to listen to HER?" So that was fun. Ish.

More recently, I've started actively controlling water for large fire tests, which is scary as heck. One type of test we conduct is the validation of fire protection criteria (what kind of fire sprinklers you need at your ceiling or near the hazard and how much water needs to come out of each sprinkler) for various hazards like warehouse storage in racks over 50 ft high and ignitable liquid spill fires. My goal in these tests after setting up the proper air to feed the fire and clear out the smoke is to control this water delivery within sometimes very tight tolerances. If we are testing a sprinkler at a certain pressure, then, as the fire heats up and sprinklers open (we do not know when each sprinkler will open or how many will open during our test), we have part of our system controlling this pressure automatically, but manual intervention is often required. It is currently not feasible, and perhaps not even possible with today's technology, to control the entire system automatically since our tests vary so widely through all parameters. So my job is to watch the system and manually intervene if it looks like the system will not control within our tolerance.

This pretty much makes it a twitch reflex video game with tens of thousands (or more) of dollars on the line! I study the sprinkler arrangement, flows and pressures, review previous tests that may be similar, and identify the best automatic parameters to help us succeed. Once the test starts, I watch the system with an intensity that leaves me exhausted after each test, identifying if and when I need to intervene and what exact actions to take. If intervention is seriously needed, sometimes I will have to make 3 critical decisions within 5 seconds. And, if I twitch wrong and slide the valve control too high, or not high enough, I can deviate from specifications and I can fail the test. As I took on more and more responsibility with work, and dealing with the hostile environment there of people going behind my back, operating equipment improperly, blatantly ignoring my operational directions despite management saying they need to listen to me, it left me with little capacity for any other stress in my life. I ended up defaulting to games like Vintage Story and Valheim (though troll raids stress me out to no end when I'm trying to build the exterior wall to my compound! Grrrr), Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing: New Horizons. The games are fun, but I'm pretty much using them to get my mind off work as my mind will spin and spin with how to solve problems there or running through my gameplan for the next test. But it has also made me kind of boring. I long for more headshots and for the feeling of saving humanity one stealthy head cracking at a time!

Back to the personal side of things. I had to wait so long to get engaged. My fiance is in another country, so things took a lot longer, like getting to know each other, meeting each others' families, stuff like that. And being thousands of miles away from my own friends and family for those 6 years made me very lonely. So, when we got engaged, I felt like my life was finally moving forward, that I would be able to hang out with my best friend every day sometime in the near future and I wouldn't be alone so much anymore.

That hope was short lived, however. Three weeks after our engagement, a family tragedy struck, leaving my fiance saddled with an extraordinary amount of responsibility that he was unprepared for, and I could not help him with. I still went to see him for the 2020 New Year as I had every year since we'd met, though. That's the last time I saw him.

If you can't guess why, you might want to crawl out from under that wonderful rock you've been living in (and maybe rent it out to me? Sounds like an awesome vacation spot!) and read up on the current pandemic! His country's borders closed and with his responsibilities he couldn't come visit me anyway. Still, I felt helpless to support him through his troubles, and extremely lonely being in lockdown alone. My work closed in early March 2020, but reopened end of May 2020. Going back in to run equipment for fire tests was extremely stressful, and the way management handled it was disappointing, to be extremely gracious and pretty much avoiding telling people how I really feel about their level of competency in communications so I don't get in trouble should anyone know me IRL. I was beyond stressed out and I got burned out quickly due to lack of resources on site and some really bad attitudes. And it was half way through the current run of the pandemic that I took on the extra, stressful role of active fire testing. It has taken every ounce of cognitive ability to focus on these tests and perform well. I'm not alone in the stress, one of the upper managers I wholeheartedly respect has been in my shoes and has been one of my trainers and gave me the kindest words after my first big fire test about how few people have done this job and know of the stress that comes with it. That keeps me going.

Two weeks ago, I failed my first test. Time actually went by faster than I thought, even though I was paying critical attention to the test, and I did not take action fast enough. There were several additional factors I could not control, but I still failed. Every operator has failed before. I knew I wouldn't get in trouble, but it hit really hard. I worked hard to prepare and . We had to redo the test and I nailed it the next time. I learned from that experience that sometimes your best won't be good enough.

That's life. Lessons learned, all that. But after another grueling week of not being able to sleep and SHTF at work and trying to fix things, I had the worst bombshell dropped right on my head. My fiance told me that he realized many months ago that he felt he was no longer able to keep a really important promise he made to me when we got engaged and was just telling me now. I won't go into detail but I can't help feeling betrayed and am now trying to sift through the rubble to find something salvageable, even if it's just myself.

I don't know what this means for my future. My life, my job, myself. But for the time being, maybe I can throw myself into a few good games and let my brain sort itself out and maybe dull some of the pain, but maybe also make a few new fun memories. Xenoblade Chronicles (DE), I'm looking at you! Hopefully my next post will be a bit more positive.

Stay well and stay safe. And take care of yourself and others.

-z

Today marks 10 years on GameSpot :) I've gone from being a union member to a union leader, awesome user blogger and finally a moderator! I've seen the site change significantly since I joined, and had a lot of life changes myself along the way.

I'm just posting this as a placeholder blog, I'll make sure to do a proper update over the weekend so stay tuned :)

-z

...

What a year. I think that's close to how long it's been since I've posted a blog :P I really wish GS would implement some of the features that made the site so great before the redesign, like blog feeds and stuff. I also noticed that all of my old blogs lost their comments and a lot of pictures which is truly sad because I used to review them from time to time and remember the good conversations I had with a lot of people before they left the site.

Anyway, I've been INSANELY busy! Whoa. No, like I mean the Keanu-style "Whoooaaaaaaa." My head is all spinny just thinking about having been here on the east coast for a year!

What have I learned?

• I never thought I'd miss driving in California... but I was wrong :D
• The bad winter weather makes people grouchy all year!
• I like greek wraps with french fries in them!

That last one is important because I really learned that when my boyfriend FINALLY visited Rhode Island :) We had a really, really good time. I've been working so hard that I needed something for myself.

I took him to my company's hands on training lab for a tour, then to meet some of my friends at work.

Even though he's only been gone a few weeks, I miss him terribly. I can't wait to go see @GunnyHath again in just over a month, though!

In other news, I just got back from a 10-day trip to Windsor (UK), where I worked with a colleague to instruct a week-long course teaching non-engineers what field engineers in the company do. Both of us were field engineers for a few years before moving into training roles. It was a really neat trip, but I'm glad to be home! Totally jet lagged.

Jet.

Lag.

Lag kills.

Well mostly it just kills my sleep pattern :P

Time to finish some laundry and get to sleep!

Laterz,

-z

...

was the most amazing weekend ever, full of flying noodle monster burps, a lucky chicken and a grape laser ;)

i am happy, too :)

...

Moving day is soon... TOO soon! Tomorrow is my last day of slight normalcy, when I'll be getting my hair cut, then taking care of the things the movers shouldn't, like taking everything off my apartment walls and unplugging all unnecessary electronics. I'm going to keep my modem and router connected until the bitter end, though!

Here's how it's going down: movers come Wed morning to pack up my apartment and put everything on the truck; I'm not supposed to pack anything because they need to know what's in the boxes and all that so they can handle things properly since they assume full liability. I just have to be there for any questions, so I think I might play something benign like Minecraft. It should only take the crew 6 hours to pack up my <700 sq ft apartment, so that night I'll try to clean what I can and get the apartment ready for turnover.

My car also gets taken to be shipped sometime Wed, so my buddy is gonna help me out and hang out with me, clean and drop me off at my hotel. I owe him the best dinner ever! Then he gets off work early and is going to let me bribe him with iced coffee and breakfast to pick me up at my hotel, head to my favorite coffee shop for one last goodbye, then drop me off at the airport where I fly out to Providence in the afteroon.

I get in about 11:10pm EST, grab my rental car and head to the hotel where I'll be staying until I find an apartment for some sleep. Friday, the real estate person who has been assigned to me will take me on an apartment tour and hopefully I'll find something that's nifty, in my budget and available (sounds a lot like shopping for a girlfriend, eh? :?) If I don't see anything, we'll pick some more apartments to tour another time and I'll stay at the hotel until something comes up.

About 2 weeks after I ship myself out to RI, I head to Windsor to participate in a group to decide the future of Field Engineer training. I'm really hoping to have a place at least lined up, if not moved into, before then, but we'll just have to wait and see.

I do start work next Monday in my new position, so that will be interesting. I'll either have zero time to myself with finding a place and getting caught up on my new position, or tons of free time at my hotel to hang out and play games. I won't be taking my gaming laptop with me to Windsor, but I should have a new phone by then that will let me surf the internet more easily and keep in touch with people over WiFi.

Otherwise, I'm sort of freaking out! This is an amazing opportunity, but moving so far is scary. Oh well. Chin down, shoulders forward, and, wait for it...

CCCCHHHHHHAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

-z

...

Wow. When it snows, it pours.

Or something like that :P

Life has certainly taken quite a few turns in the last 10 weeks. There I was, status quo, working in the office for a week of reviewing various construction/fire protection/industrial equipment plans for clients when my friend, Stephanie, came up to me and asked if I'd seen "that email".

"That email" turned out to be one that changed my life. It was a job alert for a position to be a part of our corporate team of engineers who train all new field engineers who join my company. I probably would have missed it since I had about 200 unsorted emails in my Inbox at the time and a stack of plans piling up on my desk, but that simple question, followed by the confidence-boosting phrase, "I think you'd be good at that," sparked a fire of new possibilities for me.

Long story short, I'd been back to the east coast twice to help out with training, serving as a sort of volunteer mentor to help out with the standard training courses, and I'd loved it. While I didn't want to leave field engineering just yet, the possibility of teaching in a classroom and lab setting really called out to me. As soon as my boss got back from a business trip, I told him that I was interested in this new position--much to his dismay, as I really never thought I'd leave field engineering, and had sort of built my career around that stability--to which he agreed I could be a really good fit. I applied and was flown out for an interview. A week later, I was offered the job, and week after that I received the written offer which I accepted.

So, here I am, moving out to the east coast in just over 2 weeks. I am sad to leave the field, but the possibilities this job opens up are tenfold of the ones I leave behind. Sure, I'll miss working with Lucasfilm (now Skywalker Properties and Walt Disney--yes, we insure Disney, too), St. Joseph's Medical Center and IGT, along with a host of other amazing clients, but I will be working with a great group of people up by our corporate offices, with engineers who run the fire tests (they burn things and see what happens!). I'm getting a very nice raise, which will put me on the right financial path where before I thought I was doomed to just barely keep an even balance sheet. I will actually be able to plan for the future.

In addition, I've been selected to be on a group of 20-30 people who are going to help redesign our training program for engineers. While my new group was already going to update our training program in the next year or so, we are only in charge of how the material was going to be taught. This committee is in charge of what to teach engineers and when to teach it, and I'm honored to be a part of it. AND this committee is meeting in Windsor in September, so I actually get to go to England for a week! I had zero hopes for intercontinental travel due mostly to finances, so this is a real treasure to me.

Another bonus is that I will no longer be so solitary at work, and will get to see people on a more consistent basis. So much of field engineering is solitary, and while that can be nice with all its freedoms, it's tough for someone like me who has very few friends nearby.

The sad part of this whole deal is, of course, that I have to leave the friends I do have behind (physically, of course I plan on keeping in touch, but I rarely have that reciprocated so we'll see) and move 3,000 miles away. I've spent my entire life in California, so the Boston area will be quite a shock to my system.

That's a lot of change to handle in a short period of time. I can only pray that I handle it with grace and humility and do the best job I can for my company. The appointment is only for 3-5 years, so if I don't have any compelling reason to stay there, my boss has secured my job for me and I'll come back.

All of this has led me to be a bit absent from GS, which I don't think is a bad thing right now with all of the changes that are being so poorly implemented. I will take this as a good break to see if GS can get their act together and perhaps distance myself a bit. I'll still be around the forums, but I won't be posting much, especially not in the GSWRT. I have neither the time nor the energy, and I feel like my work is virtually useless there anyway. I thought being a Justicar meant something, but in all honesty, I'm really not sure what the point is anymore. Justicars were promised a lot in exchange for our work, and instead I have the AUB stripped from me (and the rest of the Soapbox Emblem holders) with pathetic explanations, broken links and no input as a Justicar. Not even a heads up. So, I think it's time to focus my efforts on moving, finding a new apartment and settling into my job and let this be figured out before putting much more energy into it.

Otherwise, I'll also be stunted on my gaming for quite a while. The bright side is that, with this new position, I may actually be able to afford a really nice new computer so that I can play more games and enjoy myself. A more stable schedule will also benefit my gaming life, so I'm looking forward to that.

Oh, any tips for how to deal with people in the Boston/Providence area and their inability to stay in the lane lines on the freeway would be much appreciated :lol:

ttfn,

-z

...

and so is the road to hell.

EXTRAVAGANZA!

With all the hype around this year's Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), it's tough not to get excited and starry-eyed and filled with hopes and dreams and desires for the future of gaming. This year is especially important with the release of the "next-gen" PS4 and Xbox One at a time when gamers are voicing their disillusion towards gaming more than ever. A lot is resting on this particular E3, and developers are feeling the pressure to go bigger and bolder.

But what is the cost of these great expectations? As past E3s have shown, we often end up with bloated, overhyped extravaganzas that do little more than enrapture us in a world of gaming for the hour-long show, but then leave us with unmatched expectations when finished products are revealed. The developers mean well, but in the end, they seem to be shooting themselves in the feet.

Personally, I don't want huge conferences that bloat my expectations and leave me high and dry in the end. I don't want to see extraneous dances (unless they somehow get a Jensen's Safety Dance together), gratuitious booth babes at every station or teleprompter-driven pseudo excitement. What I'm looking for in this year's E3 is much more basic and equally more important: I'm desperately looking for something at E3 to restore my hope in console gaming.

THE HISTORY OF E3

The conference we currently call E3 started in 1995 with the unveiling of the PlayStation, showings of the Sega Saturn, Virtual Boy and the Nintendo 64. This expo had grown from what was previously the Consumer Electronics Expo (CES), of which the video game industry was treated like electronic's ugly and uncooth stepbrother. The expo quickly proved popular and took off, growing in size and importance. It became an industry-wide vehicle for showcasing new systems, concepts and games. And, just like any event in the entertainment industry, companies felt the pressure to keep increasing production value of their overall presence with bigger conferences, fancy booths and gimmicks. 2005 marked the first year E3 was broadcast on TV, increasing the event's accessibility and the public's interest; this particular E3 boasted the attendance of 70,000 people.

The conference took a downturn in 2006 with only 60,000 attendees, and the 2007 and 2008 expos were renamed to "E3 Media and Business Summit", where it became an invite-only event. This was an attempt to scale back the bloated nature of E3, but was a shock to many gamers, bloggers and some in the industry, likely since the change was so abrupt. The 2007 conference only reported 10,000 attendees, and dwindled to 5,000 for the 2008 conference.

In 2009, E3 was reverted back to its previous structure, and this revision was relatively well-received by much of the community. The extravaganza continued to grow to the near-hysteric proportions of where it sits today.

NOW PLAYING...

So, now we're here again, eagerly awaiting another E3. I remember watching my first E3 conferences in 2011 and fell into the hype only to be met with the lackluster systems and games that just didn't do it for me over this current generation. In full disclosure, since this gen was announced a few years ago, I've been extremely busy with work and have had a lot of personally difficult times which I'm certain have affected my ability to get excited about a lot of things, but I also think this last generation of gaming was a disappointment to me in many other ways.

I was the proud owner of a PS3 in 2009, but I had a hard time finding games I had enough desire to put forth the money and energy to enjoy and look forward to. It didn't help that 15 months into my ownership, my PS3 met with the YLOD and attempts at fixing it at home did not work (and I'm an engineer, so I gave it a good try with the reflow solutions). I didn't have the money to have it officially repaired, so I sold it for pennies on its original price. I also got a 360, but again, the limited number of games that excited me led to me having to dust the console off more than I turned it on.

These issues partly led to me falling more and more into PC gaming. There weren't enough great experiences for me to keep with consoles, and most games I truly wanted had a PC port anyway! The last game I was truly, wholeheartedly excited about was Deus Ex: Human Revolution (PC), which had me counting down the minutes until I could get home to play, and gave me amazing dreams of crawling around in the shadows, dragging the many bodies I'd accumulated into ventilation systems...

I had tried again to get excited by watching the 2012 E3 streams, but was met with my own disillusionment when seeing the uncomfortable portrayal of an excited gamer executive by of Steve Balmer and an awkward Ubisoft conference led by Aisha Tyler (I know a lot of people thought she did great, but I felt her timing was off and it felt very awkward to me). And don't even get me started on Mr. Caffeine...

Even Last of Us garnered a less-than-expected review score here on GS, and this was a much-hyped game of the 2012 show. More recently, watching the Xbox One reveal and Don Mattrick's plastic performance did not bely my fears for the current E3. What I WANT to see are games that capture my attention and make me desperately want to get back into console games again. At this point, I almost don't even feel like the consoles themselves matter: the graphics are already good enough for me, the standard controllers haven't evolved and aren't different enough to matter, and I haven't been impressed by motion control enough yet to feel comfortable enjoying over my mouse and keyboard.

Even Nintendo has scaled back and decided not to present a massive conference, which has been met with praise from some in the industry. 2K also will not be appearing during this year's extravaganza.

What I'm most worried about with the current E3 is the best of intentions leading to overall disappointment and negative affects for the gaming industry in general. We don't need more studio collapses (or for EA to buy any more struggling studios, which sometimes leads to a wish the studio had collapsed instead of been sent to purgatory). We don't need massive increases in game prices. We don't need to be told how to use our consoles and what we want.

We need hope for the future, we need managed expectations and, more than ever, we need exciting, FUN games!

     OR    

As you may have noticed, articles, editorials and news features having to do with various social issues surrounding gaming (or with a gamers' slant) have been making an upswing here on GS. These issue range from violence in gaming to mental illness and so much in between. As gaming becomes more of a mainstream form of entertainment, the gaming community is growing, as is our social awareness of such issues. And, with the increase in the gaming population, there is bound to come an increase in pieces reflecting on social issues and their perceived relevance to members of this community.

Some pieces have been met with good debate within the community; others have been scorned and readers have threatened to leave GS for posting what they consider information that is not newsworthy. Still, some have even been praised for bringing awareness to issues that may be embarrassing for gamers to bring up on their own and opening a dialogue for change, or at the least, a better understanding of the highlighted issue.

The first topic that has really exploded across this site is feminism and gaming. It is also arguably the most hated, but is definitely one of the most polarizing. Don't worry, I'm not going to go on a rant about my actual opinion as I've done so on the numerous features on the site. Some of the more notable and commented-on pieces are as follows:

Dead Island sparks sexism flap (September 8, 2011 - 531 comments)

From Samus to Lara: An Interview With Anita Sarkeesian of Feminist Frequency (June 12, 2012 - 3724 comments)

Halo 4 devs speak out against sexism (October 30, 2012 - 700 comments)

Naughty Dog: games don't need males on cover to sell (December 12, 2012 - 454 comments)

Publishers said 'You can't have a female character,' says Remember Me dev (March 19, 2013 - 1131 comments)

Documentary on sexism in games hits Kickstarter (April 29, 2013 - 1366 comments)

A significant portion of the comments in these articles are decrying the fact that these pieces are even being published, that the issue of sexism in gaming either does not exist or that even if it does, there is no place on GS for this kind of piece. From my observation, the response to these articles was overwhelmingly negative.

Next on the list is the debate about how the violoence portrayed in video games may (or may not) affect people who play such games. Various studies have been conducted and opinions run the full gamut, some saying they affect us and may desensitize us to others saying it can help us manage pain and improve other aspects of our lives:

GS News - Violent Video Games can Ease Pain (September 11, 2012 - 134 comments)

Senator introduces bill to study violent games (December 20, 2012 - 1183 comments)

N.J. Gov: violent games must be examined (January 9, 2013 - 1447 comments)

Obama calls for game violence research (January 16, 2013 - 1298 comments)

Former FBI profiler says games do not cause violence (February 25, 2013 - 261 comments)

Study: Violent games can desensitize players (May 10, 2013 - 806 comments and counting)

This series of pieces seems to draw more of a debate than a simple "GTFO of GS". There doesn't seem to be as much of an internal argument between users as there are just differences of opinion which are handled in a more respectful manner than the issue of sexism and gaming.

Lastly, GS has gone even deeper into gamers' psyches by promoting a feature on gaming and depression and mental illness in regards to the gaming community:

Survey examines links between gaming, behavior (November 15, 2010 - 170 comments)

Study links pathological gaming to depression, anxiety in kids (January 17, 2011 - 606 comments)

Light in the Darkness: Dealing With Depression in Games (February 8, 2013 - 71 comments)

Depression Quest: A Retrospective (February 19, 2013 - 25 comments)

Video Games vs. Depression (May 3, 2013 - 1888 comments)

The last link, a relatively short documentary which was featured on the front page, has garnered a LOT of support. Comments on pieces in this group tend to be more positive and supportive in nature.

It seems to me that the most negative feedback comes from pieces where users feel judged or stereotyped themselves, which is no surprise: nobody likes to feel like they are being judged in a negative light. But pieces that analyze parts of the community and offer insight without judgement, such as the depression pieces, are welcomed overall, mostly because they are more helpful and not telling the user they need to change, or that the industry they hold so dear needs to change. Personally, I, too, enjoy these kinds of social awareness issues the best because I feel they can impact the most users in the most positive way.

I actually enjoy watching GS grow up and report on social issues. I feel that there is more than enough content on the site to the point that if you absolutely hate mixing social issues with gaming, you can find plenty to read and keep you busy without having to bother with content you really don't like. It also baffles me why so many people comment with such vitriol when GS does tackle these issues. I understand the voicing of the opinion that GS should not have these kinds of pieces on the front page, but what I mostly see are people trolling such pieces and massively increasing post counts on pieces they think shouldn't exist anyway, which is sort of defeating the purpose--but that's beside the point.

So, how do YOU feel about how all of these social issues are being represented here on GS? If you love it, what other ideas would you like to see tackled or acknowledged? If you would rather leave it behind, what would you like to see instead, and do you feel the presence of these issues truly undermines your ability to enjoy the rest of the content on the site?

-z

FPS Doug: Poster Child of Our Gaming Community!

Boom, headshot... BOOM headshot.... BOOM!!! HEADSHOT!!! From the recent publicity attempting to link violent acts in the world to video games, FPS Doug (WARNING: link contains strong language) may as well be the poster child for gamers worldwide in the eyes of the media*.
 
Whether you believe the hype or not, playing video games have also been linked to some very positive effects. Several studies have shown that video games can ease pain in patients, and that violent video games may increase pain tolerance in some people. My mother, who is in chronic pain due to various conditions, has personally found that Farmville helps her relax and improves her pain management.

Then there are all of the conflicting reports from the media at large, showing that 89 percent of parents believe game violence a problem but that a former FBI profiler says games do not cause violence. So, what to believe?

Enter Cody Thompson: Walking Gamer

Whichever side you're on, there's one gamer who is breaking this stereotype. Enter the Walking Gamer. Cody Thompson is on a mission for both himself and for charity. He is going to walk across the country, from North Carolina to California, on a journey that is to start this weekend and will take an estimated 8 months to complete. During his travels, he will be dependent on the kindness of strangers for lawn space on which to pitch his tent, donations for food and supplies during his travel and support during the difficult months he faces away from his home and his wife.

So, who is this Cody Thompson? In the spirit of full disclosure, he is the husband of one of my sister's dearest friends, and that's how I first heard of his journey. He is an avid gamer and has been since the age of 4, is a former EMS dispatcher and has a bone to pick with DLC--I won't repeat here what he had to say about the horse armor DLC for Oblivion--and he was kind enough to allow me to interview him personally for this blog. (I found out the hard way that he also hates being called "Mr. Thompson", which I did when I first requested the interview and subsequently made him twitch something awful...)

See, when Cody was 4 years old, he had a serious eye disease which required surgery. As a part of his recovery regimen, his doctor actually prescribed video games. With that, his parents got him an Atari. It's no surprise that the charity he is bringing along for his walk is Child's Play, an organization that provides various toys, books and video games to hospitalized children to try to make their stay less arduous and improve their spirits and recoveries.

He still remembers his first games, Pitfall! and River Raid. He remembers the Christmas his mom scraped together enough to get him the NES with Super Mario 2. In true gamer form, Cody will be bringing his 3DS along for the walk, with an assortment of games (if you donate enough to his Indiegogo campaign, he will even send you one of his used games from his walk!). Cody sequestered his 3DS for the last few months so that the games would be fresh and new for his journey, so he has spent his gaming time lately playing a lot of his console and PC games in the meantime (DMC, Starcraft 2 and others).

Cody's Trusty Walking Companion Will Be His 3DS

The idea to walk across the country originally came from his love of J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit" which introduced him to a world of adventure and self discovery he wanted to impart into his own life. He says it is only natural to bring a charity along for the ride, especially since Child's Play is so close to his own heart.

Bilbo vs. Frodo: Tough Choice!

For those of you wondering where he stands on the issue of Frodo vs. Bilbo, when asked the proverbial question, "Frodo or Bilbo?" Cody replied, "My answer is............. [darn], that is not a fair question really...the Hobbit is such a different tone than LOTR. Bilbo is having this adventure. He is outside his comfort zone, and I suppose I relate to that more for this walk. Frodo knows he is carrying the source of all evil around his neck, and well.... that [messes] a dude up." So now you know. (Thanks to GunnyHath for suggesting that question!)

While not the focus of his journey, Cody is well aware of how the gaming industry and community is being perceived, and he has his own ideas about games, violence and the roles of parents in all of this. When asked about his thoughts on the connection between violent acts and video games, he responded, "...the issue with games and probably movies is parents think it is just a game, so they get it, no biggie. Let's hand Darksiders over to a 12 year old and not pay attention."

He also recalls how his mom handled video game violence with him as a kid: "I grew up playing violent games. My mom got me Mortal Kombat 2 for the SNES but she watched me play it and she made the call if she thought it was appropriate for me to play." He does not believe in government censorship, and instead puts duties on the parents to make the call. To all who believe that violence in games has a widespread effect on gamers, he replies, "We are going to see a HUGE boom in America's farming community any day now. Farmville was THAT popular." I guess my mom is going to become a farmer. She already has a huge garden at home.... hmmm... I see truth in this sentiment already...

With all of the negative publicity the gaming community faces, it's nice to see something so positive coming from one of our own. So the next time somebody scared of the world and looking for a neat and tidy way to explain the violence in the world blames you, the gamer, just tell them to walk it off.

Well done, Mr. Thomps--er, Cody. Safe travels on your longest journey.

Walk on, gaming brother. Walk on.

Interested in donating to Cody's cause? Donations in his honor can be made to Child's Play by clicking here. Donations will first cover his expenses for the walk, and all unused proceeds will then go directly to Child's Play.

You may also donate directly to him to cover his expenses, which he estimates will be $8,000 by the end of his trip, at his Indiegogo site.

Cody will be updating his Walking Gamer site with blogs during his travels, but you may also connect with him via other social media sites below:

Walking Gamer Facebook

Walking Gamer Instagram

*It should be known that I think FPS Doug is about the most hilarious YouTube video ever, I'm not knocking him in any way, shape or form ;)