About a month or so ago, I had settled down for an evening of fun with a solo run of Borderlands (PC). And let me tell you, FPS Doug would have been proud: BOOM, headshot...BOOM, headshot...... BOOM, HEADSHOT!!! Running through the world with my sniper rifle and an enemy in my sights (I might have run faster holding a knife, but that's beside the point), eviscerating bandits left and right. While racking up my kill count, I decided I should probably continue on with the story. Pulling up my HUD revealed that I had a new mission on the Trash Coast. Not having been there yet, it sounded pleasant enough, so I checked my map and proceeded onward. I clicked on the transition point between zones, and once the new zone loaded, I got the "Achievement Unlocked: Discovered Trash Coast" pop up from Steam letting me know that I had, well, achieved something, and that I apparently should be applauded, recieve a medal and have this accomplishment posted on my page for all to see. Because, you know, the loading page saying "Trash Coast" wasn't enough to let me know I had, quite literally, arrived.

But what about my headshots? My eviscerations of the enemy, my smooth crit skills and melee face stabs? What do they all mean when mixed with these lackluster, "I played the story, yay!" achievements? Mixing skill-based achievements with story-based achievements waters down the sense of accomplishment for all achievements across the board.

Instant gratification is the way of the world these days. People want what they want now, not later, and they want to be acknowledged now, not later. This has become abundantly apparent through the take off of various technologies like texting and email, along with social networking "look at me" sites who shall remain nameless at this time (but you know who you are!) putting information at the hands of consumers when they want it, along with instant validation and attention. Gamers are no exception and also want gratification and acknowledgement from their fellow gamers, and this is taken into account by developers via in-game achievements.

The idea behind achievements is two fold: one, it gives the gamer gratification that they did something cool in game and gives them their own gold star, and two, it is usually combined with some live service where the achievement is posted for friends of the gamer to see and be oohed and ahhed at. Every gamer will internally utilize this differently, while some will simply enjoy obtaining a large number of achievements, others are more concerned with the kinds of achievements.

When you actually start looking at the achievements for many games, though, you start seeing that a lot of them are based on simply passing a part of the game which you are required to do in order to finish said game, like beating a boss or "discovering" a new map area that you would have to go to in order to proceed with the story...to finish the game, which I call story-based achievements (this includes game-based objectives you would have to try hard not to accomplish like buying a few items and such), and feel more like place markers to tell your friends where you are in the story rather than an actual achievement. Then there are the achievements that acknowledge the gamer for doing something that was not required to progress the game, such as killing enemies in a certain way or completing auxiliary or little-known side quests, which I call skill-based achievements.

Take Borderlands 2 as an example: of the 50 or achievements listed in a search, about half of them are story-based, which means only half of them are skill-based. I believe the reason behind this is to give the gamer instant gratification and a pat on the back because that's what most people want. But getting pop ups showing achievements where about half of them are relatively meaningless really waters down the sense of accomplishment for getting that X number of headshots, or defeating so-and-so without any teammates receiving damage. And the number of story-based achievements feels like it's getting worse. When I look at my trophies (analogous to achievements) for Star Ocean: Till the End of Time, I feel like I've accomplished something with most of my trophies, so when a pop up shows me I got something, I'm actually excited, and it's something I might actually care for someone else to see.

Sadly, a certain sense of accomplishment has been lost with today's achievements. Today, everyone must win and feel good about themselves to the point where achievement no longer feels so individual. We don't need "no gamer left behind", and while it's good to have a few achievements for everyone, it would feel more like an achievement if there weren't so many of these "I played the story, yay!" achievements out there. I'd like to once again be really proud to show my achievements off without having to wade through the bile.

In short? I don't need another cookie to feel good about myself as a gamer.

i was born in t' southern end o' t' country a small and skinny lass. i was weak and frail, but trained t' fight and did well with t' best o' them. but somethin' was missin'.

then i went off t' college t' try t' become smarter, but it didn't work and i still felt like somethin' was missin'.

that was until t' day i stumbled upon a map t' a treaaye at sea! how excitin'. i decided from that day fore t' become a pirate known as Psycho Blondi, t' polish blonde rocket scientist o' t' seven seas!

i looked high and low, but no boat was t' be had.

does anyone out thar have a boat i could conquer--i mean borrow--for a few years out at sea? we can watch t' stars, sail t' sunken treaayes, plunder and pillage and finally walk t' plank together (though we only get t' do that once).

in any case, pirates like loot. i be playin' BL2 fer some loot later today.

i have a lot of work to do as some parts are in major need of repair, but if all works out, i'll be back in action by halloween of this year.

woot!

;)

-zyxe

...

what would you do? retire, buy an island, give money to all your family and friends?

so i keep seeing some lotto story in the news about a family winning a $300M plus jackpot and they are having their entire family retire. i don't play the lottery, but i have to admit that i've thought about what i would do if i DID win big, say over $100M, or more money than i could ever rationally spend in my lifetime.

first of all, money cannot buy happiness, but it can help lift some things that weigh us down. money is a powerful tool, and i could definitely do more with, well, more money. money is also a central focus of many of our lives, in that we work to earn it so that we can use it to get or do stuff. money has the power to help us fulfill our wildest dreams, but also to break up marriages and create suspicions and discontent.

still, i wouldn't complain if i won a large jackpot or got a hefty inheritance. but i would realize that it won't fix all of my problems in life, and that with its ease would come new problems.i watched some show that chronicled the lives of some lottery winners, and sometimes it doesn't turn out well. one of the themes in the show was how unscrupulous some friends and former family could become when the dollar signs appear in their eyes, and how the winners became unsure of who they could trust and then isolated and lonely. then there are the folks who spent their money too quickly and outran their bank accounts, leaving them worse than when they started, or the ones who were taken by crooks and lost it all anyway.

i think about how, even though it might be nice to not work so hard, having a purpose is very important to some people. i'm not sure what purpose i would find with having a ton of money, and i like to feel useful for my personal skills rather than what i have in my bank account. i also don't think it's a good idea to give handouts and enable people to look at you like their personal piggy bank, and let them become lazy and dependent.

with all of that in mind, below are the things i would do if i ever won the lottery (though i have to say that this should not be considered binding should i win, and that i have every right to change my mind ;)):

1. pay off all of my debts and all of the debts of my friends and family. this would be way better than just giving people a hand out, it would free them from some burden and give them a fresh start without allowing them to become too complacent in the future. this would be a one-time deal, not a recurring bail out because anything else would be teaching them they can keep screwing things up and would always be taken care of (take note, feds).
2. buy 2 or 3 nice houses, and a decent amount of property for the future. the world isn't getting any bigger, and i might need a safe zone should the zombie apocolypse ever occur.
3. buy a decent house for each of my immediate family members, and give them enough money to pay property taxes for 20 years. no mansions, just a nice place to lay their heads and enjoy some space.
4. buy my parents each the car of their dreams, and put half a million in their retirement account. they had to put up with me for 17 years in their home, they've earned it ;)
5. keep $5M in my own account in addition to having 50 years of anticipated property taxes on all my properties, invest some of it, but more have it as a safety net.
6. set up medical care funds for any friends or families that need it.
7. donate the rest to pay for medical expenses for working class and poorer families. i have no need for so much money, it would allow me to be less of a person than i am and become lazy and complacent. i don't want people begging me for easy outs, or worrying that people are just using me for my money (i already feel so overly used for my amazing good looks *cough gag*) :P

so that's what i would do if i won the lottery. how about you?

-z

...

ok, so i never left GS, but this blog isn't about a triumphant return to a website. it's about my triumphant return to actual gaming.

if you've been following my blogs for a while, you know that i had some very bad personal things happen this year. it really knocked the wind out of my sails. and while i'm not yet full speed ahead, i've finally recovered one thing i had previously lost: my love of gaming.

part of my departure had to do with a heavy work load and a rather negative living situation over the last few years. add to that the purchase of a PS3 that died in 15 months and the fact that there were almost no games that tickled my fancy, and i was left as one jaded gamer. i like FPS, and i couldn't get back into it in consoles since i left them 5 years ago for my PC. the RPGs i found just didn't seem to have the magic i'd found in previous games, and i lost the one person i used to play games with (ironically the fallout initially started over a game, which didn't help).

the bottom of the barrel was when i was really down and could only play bejeweled 3. BEJEWELED 3!!! sure, there are lots of shiny objects and fiery explosions and stuff--every girl's dream--but it's not my usual game. i pretty much played it to get lost and pass the time because i was too stressed out to play any challenging games. i had a conversation with a good friend of mine from here and he said something along the lines that i wasn't a real gamer anymore. he may have been joking, but it kind of stung!

so i got busy ;) i ended up getting borderlands and am having tons of fun with co-op! i've never been able to play an online game with real life friends, but this game is an awesome FPS to play with other people. i got the game of the year package on steam for like $8 (that seems too low so maybe i'm wrong but i know i wouldn't have paid $20 for it). i actually look forward to gaming again and am having a good time :) but the game that really got me going was deus ex: human revolution. what a polished game with fun gameplay and amazing story! that's the first game in a while i've actually looked forward to getting home to play. i even had dreams that i was stealthing around, knocking heads together and tranqing targets. all in a day's work!

i still play bejeweled 3 a little here and there, but c'mon it's hard to go cold turkey. i like looking at all the shiny gems i'll never see in real life!

did you ever have a gaming lapse, and what brought you back?

-z

...

is a luxury.

think about the last time you were truly bored: you probably weren't thinking about where your next meal was coming from or where you would lay your head to rest the next night; you probably had lots of things you could do, but weren't in the mood; you probably had people to call and family to catch up with, but just didn't feel like it.

the next time you're bored, look towards wherever you get your inspiration and, at the very least, mumble a "thank you" to the stars, because it means that you are not preoccupied with drama and sadness or--better yet--safety. take a deep breath in, hold it for a few, then exhale the boredom.

and then find something worthwhile to do.

:)

-zyxe

...

i just got a request for this so i will post it. this is me with the yoda statue in the courtyard of big rock ranch at lucasfilm, about the only thing i was allowed to take pics of. fun!

i hate pics but heck these were just too much fun. i love going to their sites :)

-z

...

as she came to the edge of the forest, the throbbing started. in the fray and after, she had other things distracting her from the pain of the gash in her arm. unsurprised but unsure exactly how it happened she scrounged for some herbs on the forest carpet, hidden between in the bits of sunlight fighting their way through the leaves and branches above.

much like she had fought her way into the heart of this place.

it was much easier marching her way out without all of those pesky minions aching for the attention of her weaponry. finding her herbs, she sat down on a stump and chewed on the bundle and poured the small bit of water left from her hidden flask into the dirt next to her feet. she grabbed the mud in her hands and spat the herbs into it; the paste stung her arm as she patted it into the wound.

on the way in, she felt alive. every bead of sweat clinging to every hair on her body chilled as the wind flowed by; every twig that snapped under her feet sounded like a boulder crashing down the side of a mountain; every breath reinvigorated her and cleared her mind, fueling her progress.

but after the battle came purgatory. she knew she survived, but was numb from the outside in. muddled thoughts muted the sound of the ground passing under her feet and she could not remember the last time she took a breath; sweat had been replaced with blood from the various nicks and deep cuts all over. but they didn't hurt until just now.

the throbbing started pulsing throughout her body as she sat on the stump so she decided to press on. hours of daylight remained, but in her condition, she wouldn't be travelling fast.

as she passed through the remaining forest and the trees thinned, she saw the fields stretching out before her. the tips of grass danced in the wind with a quiet peacefulness she had forgotten could exist in this world. it was a stark contrast to the sounds of battle in the morn, and even though it was quiet, her ears were still ringing.

the throbbing was taking over her thoughts and she matched the pace with her steps. one foot in front of the other. as the sun set behind her, she saw the familiar site of the farmlands just on the outskirts of her home town. the familiarity gave her the final bit of strength to plow forward and make her way towards the lights.

she wondered what she would tell them as the town drew nearer; she had left without telling them of the nature of her travels. she figured that she would take care of the evil herself, and if she couldn't, there was no need to let them know what would be coming. there was no way they could have escaped, let alone won, even if they were prepared, and knowing would have only put everyone into a panic--their last moments would be that of fear and dread, and she did not wish to burden them with it.

as she crossed into the main road, she heard laughter of the town's children nearby and the call of their mothers to come in for the night. a few steps more into town and one child saw her. "she's back!" he cried to his mother with his finger extended towards her, as the energy instantaneously drained from her body, and she collapsed as a sweet darkness swallowed her sight.

her battle was over, both in the forest and to get home, and she decided they need not know. her body was home to rest for eternity.

...

VS.

this blog was prompted by an article i recently read here on GS. i thoroughly enjoyed it, personally, and it got me thinking about what my own definition of feminism is, and how i feel it pertains to my own gaming experiences. below is a comment i made for this article:

to me, feminism is trying to get the world to see that i just happen to be a female, and not having that be the very first thing cataloged in their brains when i am playing a game online and speak into the mic. it's perfectly OK to realize that i am a female, but it should be just one of the many qualities on my resume, not the primary (or sometimes the only considered) quality.

it's like the good and bad about how nintendo has portrayed samus aran throughout the various series. first, it was totally awesome that the main character in the original metroid just happened to be female, and you didn't find out until the end because--wait for it--it didn't matter! (+1) but of course you only find out about that if you beat the game in enough time for her to lose her space suit and be revealed in a bikini... (-1)

then there was metroid prime, where you get her to take off her helmet at the end, which was really well done. she did not look like a young teeny bopper, what i admired most was her mature and war-torn look, like she had just been through a LOT and was older and wiser, and more tired for it. (+1!) then you get to zero suit samus and the promo drawings for her in SSBB, and she was once again hypersexualized, looking like she was 19 with big bazongas and a ridiculously skin-tight suit (yes i get the need to have a skin tight suit under the armor but COME ON the bazongas were unnecessarily huge, so -1).

it just gets old after a while. i just want a female character in a good game, a game i actually want to play, who just happens to be female, where that's not a big deal, like from what i hear of portal and mirror's edge (i don't care for either game play so i can't quite speak for those, but from what i've read they seem to be what i'm asking for).

keep in mind that this DOES NOT mean i do not play video games because of this, but it really gets old. i still do enjoy gaming, but it degrades the experience slightly each time the sexism is terribly obvious.

also, it doesn't mean that it's ok to hypersexualize men either. i'm not sure what to say about that, except i'm not sure making these brawny characters is so sexual, it's more portraying some stereotypes about what guys might wish to be in some sense (i'm not a guy so i could be wrong), whereas the female sex toys aren't really what us females would like to be.

i also thought this video put it pretty well.

that about sums it up. questions? comments?

-z

...

one of the things i've been doing lately is trying to mentally go back to a place where i was happy. i remember looking at pictures of my old bedroom and i had put all sorts of junk on the walls, anything that made me happy! it was a bit of a mess, but really fun. then, when "that guy" moved in, i kind of got rid of a lot of it to make it more suitable to him, and make it a bit more mature.i still had some fun stuff, just not as funky (i had cartons of toys hanging on the wall like in a toy store and some dragonball z and gundam posters and stuff).

then i completely redid my room last year (about a year before everything) and really tried to make it grown up. but i realize it was missing something. so when he left, it just felt empty and hollow. i mean i like the design and everything, but dare i say it ended up a bit too mature?

well, thanks to my amazing buddy, coolcon2000, sent me a wall scroll of jensen from deus ex: human revolution. that's a game that kind of helped me get through a really tough part of my break up because it was the first game in years that i had a tough time putting down, and looked forward to playing all day. the character and design of the whole game, as well as the graphics, are amazing. ironically, they also match my room ;)

here's an up close of one of the mirrors that has a cool scroll graphic on it

and the corner it's in (with an ugly flash):

it just makes it feel like a little bit of the old life i had when i was fairly happy. i'm hoping that every morning when i wake up to sexy jensen i realize that things are all right. no harm in having a sexy man in my bedroom for once! (even if someone did have to pay him and ship him from china...)

so now i'm curious, do you guys have any cool game posters in your rooms, or is it just me? :D

-z

UPDATE

sadly, laurie died this morning. thank you for all of your well-wishes and prayers. i believe that she is in a better place, but, selfishly, i wish she were still here. i dedicated my flowers i planted this morning to her.

we love you, laurie.

-z