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last night i got an email from a good friend of mine, laurie. she's been battling cancer, angiosarcoma, since 2006. after surgery and chemo, it came back in 2009 and hasn't gone away since. it has spread to her bones and she was just given 2 months to live. she is seeking more natural cures since chemo and radiation have failed again.

the picture is a link to her website that talks a little about her disease. there is a link to donate, but i'm not asking for that. i think more than anything, laurie could use your prayers. i know religion isn't popular these days, so please take no offense; even offering thoughts of well-wishes does a soul good.

laurie is a wonderful person. i got to know her through a women's engineering program when she was assigned as my "little sister" in engineering. she worked with me in the atmospheric boundary layer wind tunnel (ABLWT) at uc davis, and became a good friend. she got a job at the insurance company CNA and that's how i learned about loss prevention consulting and got my job at FM Global (CNA had a hiring freeze and laurie thought FM Global's engineering fit would be better for me). we went to a Muse concert together like 6 years ago (pic at end) and she even stayed out with me all night while i waited in line to try and get a spot at the apartment complex she was staying in. she moved to arizona for treatment a while ago, and came back about 5 months ago in the middle of my personal drama and was kind enough to let me cry on HER shoulder about this jerk while i had no idea things were getting much worse for her. what a woman: kind, smart and beautiful.

so, if you find it in your heart to send her a prayer, be it for healing or for peace in the time to come, it is much appreciated. in the meantime, live your life like you mean it and enjoy life with those you love. life is too short to be forever bitter and angry and closed off to others.

we love you, laurie.

-z

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i'm not really a review-writer, but meh, it's nice to write about other stuff once in a while :)

i went to go see the movie, "the avengers", on a whim with my friend tracy from the office. i'm not usually in the office, as it's an hour away from me withOUT traffic, but i went in to have lunch with tracy and stephanie, another field engineer who happened to be in that day and is usually too far away from me to hang out.

so tracy was going to see the movie and invited me along.

AND IT WAS AWESOME!!!

i love action flicks, and this was one of the best i've seen in a long time. the action wasn't too drawn out (think matrix 2 ick) but it was present throughout most of the movie. the plot was actually pretty solid; not too twisty, but it served as a good vehicle to get all of these heroes together.

what i enjoyed most about this movie is that all of the actors and heroes shined, i didn't feel like any one took over the movie. it was great teamwork through the writing AND the acting. a job well-done all around.

the pacing of the movie was also exceptional. there was never a point where i felt like it was boring or spending too much or way too little time on any one part. it is a relatively longer movie, over 2 hours, but it really didn't feel like it. there was enough seriousness along with enough comedic relief to keep it fun and interesting till the end.

and you will want to stay till the end, too. the final scene is great :) make sure you really stay till the credits are completely over to catch it.

now, before you head out and see it, if you have yet to, i do recommend that you watch at least the first iron man and thor (watching the captain america movie is a good idea too but i felt not as required, but it will help you connect with his character more). thor is a must-watch because it's important to know the villain's origins. i did not watch the second iron man and did just fine.

that said, this movie was just fun all around; a great summer blockbuster that doesn't completely overcompensate with super long fight scenes or way too many special fx, and just gives you some good laughs and is solid entertainment. finally, a movie felt worth the cost to see in the theater.

zyxe's score: two thumbs AND two big toes up!

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1. drop 10 pounds - well, my BIG goal is to drop a total of 30 pounds, but the first 10 is my next goal. i will ALWAYS weigh more than other people my height because of my build (a former roommate once said my legs look like they could kick through a brick wall... i'll take that as a compliment?) and that's cool with me, but about 30 pounds ago is where i had no real weight concern, and was very happy and comfortable. but my goal is really 10 pounds permanent loss per year, slow and steady so that it STAYS off forever.
2. start jogging - i'm a HORRIBLE runner, but a few years back, i decided to get past my qualms and use my 4-year old running (aka not running anywhere really just walking around because they were ultra comfy) shoes and start jogging. one block at a time. two weeks later and my legs were looking WAY better, but i kind of crimped my back. so, i figure once i drop the next 10 pounds so it's easier on my knees, i'm gonna get a good pair of shoes and get started again, but improve my results by throwing in my 15 minute stretching DVD after any jogging session, or on off days do my 60-minute stretch.
3. start paying down debt - previously, there was a certain someone leeching off my earnings, and i hadn't realized how much i actually lost until *it* was gone. now that i have some extra money, i bought kind of a whole new wardrobe to up my game, and now i need to start paying down the debt i accumulated when my job went bust a few years ago.
4. buy a condo - AFTER i pay down a bunch of debt, which will probably take a good 5 years of hard work, i would like to start saving for a living space of my very own. i'm sure i won't be able to afford a house, but even a condo would be fine with me. something nice, cozy, with enough room for a guest and office, and maybe 2 cats :)
5. get 2 cats - i love animals, so when i'm more financially sound and have money to make sure if they get sick i can care for them, i'd love 2 cats. 1 would be fine, except i am gone a bit and i would like them to have company.

so those are my goals that i hope to really make some movement towards by the end of the year. right now it's been tough due to lack of energy from depression, but maybe writing this down, i can check them off one by one and maybe i will start to feel a bit better!

special shout out to Valek1394 who recently attained a goal of his own, and gave me some inspiration to start daydreaming about what i would like to do with my life.

happy cinco de mayo..

-z

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so i really still need to vent, apparently. i will try to keep this short so it's not too painful of a read. unfortunately, i've really been trying so hard to be happy that i kind of pushed everything down and it kind of blew up in my face this weekend. it's very personal so if you care to read then up to you.[spoiler]

i'm mad at my ex for the following reasons:

• he helped create a mindset that i am not worth anything to other people, even though i like myself
• he may have taken away the possibility of me having a family, as i am now 32 and will have to start all over again to find someone, and by that time i may not be able to have kids
• he used me for years, he said he hadn't been in love with me for the last 2 years of our 4 year relationship
• i can only imagine how many opportunities to find real love i missed by being with him
• i ended up losing so much money investing in him financially by supporting him when he didn't have a job for 2 years, and when he did, he didn't give much back to our household
• i had to basically bribe him to sign himself off the lease and leave faster with my car, in this county it is nearly impossible to have someone removed from the lease by force
• i had to sleep on the couch for 2 months while he sluggishly found a new place to live (he refused to sleep on the couch even though the bed was mine and would crawl into bed even though i told him not to)
• lastly, i'm really angry that the first time i caught him cybering with 2 girls from a game we played (MMO) and his ex gf, he was drunk and called me fat, and after that i was so depressed i gained 25 pounds. i've only lost 10 so far of that...still working on it, but all i feel is ugly

yes, i was fooled. some of this was my fault, but i believed him when he said he wanted to be a good person and needed a good woman such as myself to support him. his actions in the end overrided his words. he was emotionally abusive, and it snuck up on me; i didn't realize the damage he had done to my inner self until i finally was forced to kick him out. sadly, i cannot simply turn off the switch of sadness and be happy, it doesn't work that way even though i try. and trust me, i am trying.

[/spoiler] so that's my vent, i'm still really angry and hurt, and every time i try to push it away, it comes back ten fold. i hope it goes away soon. one day at a time, right?

-z

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so i'm in san francisco on a business trip, just got in about 2 hours ago to my hotel. usually, i HATE coming to SF because it's nasty driving, traffic, parking, and it's always for work and i never have enough time to breathe. usually i will check in the night before the walk through then check out the morning of the last day so i drive home after a long visit, usually in horrible traffic for about 3-4 hours to get home.

i decided this trip would be different!

i made sure to work hard and get my time-sensitive work done late last night so i could drive up in the afternoon when there's less traffic. besides the accident on the freeway (no fatalities, thank goodness), it was decent. got to the hotel garage without incident (yay!) and here's where it starts getting fun :D

they upgraded me to a junior suite for free! i had gotten like one step up from the crammed tiny room, only because i need some space to work, but when i got into my room, IT'S HUGE!!! so here are some pics (click on them for the larger view):

me with my feet on the bed so you can see how huge the open space in the room is! i'm gonna use it to work out in a few minutes... (in hommage to my other pic in the previous blog, too :P)

view from the door of the room

the other corner of the room left of the desk, and there's the bathroom

and THIS is the view from one of my two windows, i kid not! how awesome is that???

top it off, i've been travelling a lot this year and it's been stressing me out. this visit is HUGE to my company, and luckily my work is in the hotel that i'm staying in, so no more driving in the city until i have to leave. because it's such a time crunch and big place, and it's not exactly somewhere i can just drive back to if i am writing the report and realize i missed some info, my boss OK'ed me to stay the last night after the walk through, meaning if i work really hard on the report and know it's good, i might be able to do something fun and walk around friday morning before i check out. basically the huge room will actually be enjoyed this trip, something i really don't get to do often.

hopefully this is just a sign of things to come. i really needed to catch a break :)

wish me luck over the next few days, this walk through is gonna be intense. at least i have a nice place to crash when it's over!

-z

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do you guys remember a time that was carefree, kind of like when you had the happiness of a child?

i was looking through some of my old photobucket pictures, and it kind of dawned on me that i haven't been really happy since the ex came into my life. i THOUGHT i was happy, but he put so much stress and pressure on me to do pretty much everything with very little feedback or reward. when i saw these pics, it reminded me of happier times, i'd say about 5-6 years ago--around the time of my previous relationship and just after we broke up, which was somewhere around 8 months from when i "met" my last ex (online in a game, ugh what a fool!).

the real question i've been pondering is whether i can come back to life as i was then, in a way reincarnated to that happier state from the ashes of where i have been over the last 5 months. what do you think? a simple "yes, you can!" kind of doesn't address the underlying question of "How?????"...

anyway, here are some of the pics that made me remember the happier times, if you would be so kind as to oblige:

this is from when i got my first single apartment, with my first LCD monitor (15" FTW!), and had put some cool collector toys on the wall! i had painted my toenails :)

these are kind of a rainbow of lights in colorful disks, about 2-inches in diameter, that i hung on the wall that was parallel to my bed (there was a little nook just wide enough for the bed and a small bookshelf) and i put them on a dimmer. i used to lay in bed with these on and play gameboy (advance SP woot woot) until i was sleepy, then flip the cool IKEA dimmer switch off and sweet dreams would follow. i still have them but don't have a wall tall enough without stuff on it on which to hang them. i figure maybe when i move and get my own office someday when i can afford a 2-bedroom place.

i got this tattoo in september 2007, i think. i had broken up with my then boyfriend and had been thinking a lot about love and how that's what's important in life. i took 3 years of japanese, so i didn't think it was posing to get a japanese kanji tattoo if i could use it in a sentence and know the brush strokes for it myself :) also made sure it was the same in korean and chinese. i still have it but it needs to be touched up, they told me i'd need once touch up to get it nice and keep the lines tight, maybe i'll do that next september!

i still remember the day i got this silver and quartz butterfly ring. i was walking by the bookstore after class and they had a silver jewelry display, and this was only about $10! after i got rid of the silver/rose gold/diamond/butterfly ring my ex gave me, this is still my go-to piece, fits perfectly on my pinky finger. and lastly...

this is me in my homemade samus costume. who could forget? this is one of my happiest moments, which fueld a lot of other happy times both in designing, making and wearing the costume. especially the halloween i was walking around the UC Davis campus in it, went to the main coffee house and on my way back, took off my helmet to reveal a real blonde engineer (i got a few hoots that day and one guy asked me out haha)!

what i'm working on now is having more times like these. i really really hope i can get back somewhere in the neighborhood of that kind of happy again.

*crosses fingers and prays*

-z

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you start at the beginning, weak, but resourceful. along the way, you pick up more skills and powers and break through barriers you couldn't breach before. you pick up the pace, face greater demons and greater evils. with each battle, you grow more weary yet more determined than before to keep going. you start to doubt the purpose of your struggles, but something inside compels you forward, through the mire, one foot in front of the other. each step grows heavier with the weight of the world chipping away at your shoulders. and just when you think you can't take anymore...

the boss fight.

deep down you knew it was around the corner, but you can't help feeling surprised. all the signs were there: the calm corridor to the quiet room, the lack of lesser evils to push through, but a thickness in the air that slowly chokes your breath away. and yet, there it is, staring you in the face, knocking the wind out of you. it can smell your fear; you can't hide it, and even if it weren't so palpable, it shows in your eyes.

and that is what the boss is counting on. it's counting on you to crumble under the weight of the world and your own fears. it's counting on you to give up and walk away because you know there's nothing you can do to stop it from doing what it's designed to do: consume you.

yet there is something the boss doesn't know: though you are battle weary, beaten and bruised, morally bashed and your heart is in pieces down by your stomach, you STILL will fight. there is no such thing as giving up in the face of such evil, even if it means your own demise. and so you stand your ground, pick up your best weapon and charge headfirst into the malestrom.

the boss certainly didn't count on that. and as it cries its last, futile cries for help from its minions which never come, it whithers under the dead weight of its OWN ego. and for the first time in a long while you laugh because you see surprise on ITS face. better yet, defeat.

with the boss defeated, the battle is over. but the war for your own life wages on, even though you don't see it yet. as you walk away from the room, you breathe a little easier. the minions part a path for you--they know you can take care of evil now--and you can see the sunlight breaking through the opening of the lair. and you emerge victorious.

but noone told you what would happen should you win. as determined as you were, you didn't see an end to the battle. you figured even if you won, it would take your body and soul to oblivion to do it. but yet, you are still here. you are alive, breathing. you can taste, smell, hear, see and feel every piece of air, grain of dirt and damp corridor you walk through.

something is missing. it's your heart, your purpose. somewhere along the way, through the dungeons and murky pathways you lost your footing, your friends got in over their heads and left you, and everything you cared about was swept further away with each step towards your final confrontation.

and so you head home, pondering what the meaning of "home" really is, because you know that nothing you care about is there. in fact, you're not sure if there IS anything you care about anymore. you were so consumed by the oncoming battles that you lost track of who YOU were, what good you could do in the world besides rid it of this one evil.

then it hits you.

the evil won.

it consumed you, who you were before all this, leaving you with not quite nothing, but close enough. you lost your identity and your hope. people tell you to believe in a happy ending, but when it comes, how happy is it really? in time, this will all fade away, but what will be left in its place?

this is what they don't tell you about a hero's ending.

-z

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i need to get back into gaming; after all, i have a bit more free time now than i've been used to for the past 4 years. i'd like to hear what games you're really excited about!

personally, i'm really excited about Mass Effect 3. i'm definitely going to end up getting it for the PC. now, if you're a fan, what were the strong points of 1 and 2? i enjoyed the gameplay mechanics of 2 better since i do enjoy FPS and action games, but i really liked the RPG elements of 1 and the story of 1 better (although they really needed to make a better inventory system without 5 items that do the same thing and a relative inability to sort since that weighed it down tremendously). something about the first was really magical, and the second was great but lacked the spark, although the gameplay was more refined and fun. thankfully that means they were both great, and that 3 should be decent enough. i have a feeling it will follow more closely along the lines of 2.

hopefully in the near future i will be able to play skyrim again. it's the last truly nice thing my ex did for me, so it's been tough to start it up again.

just a brief note about that: i think i'm getting better, but there are a lot of tearful evenings still. i loved him, and i miss him, even though he treated me like crud. i am realizing now how really badly he treated me, previously i was accepting of some of the treatment because i thought it was temporary and that his attitude was a work in progress, but he decided he didn't want to progress and work on anything anymore, and that's when it was time to say good-bye. all that hard work was only towards a goal that was never going to be acheived, and i was the only one who didn't know it.

luckily, some of my friends have moved back into town! i get to go to a wedding next weekend, so that means getting all dressed up and fancy for once in a long while. the couple is extremely sweet, and they have both had their share of bad relationships and have really taken me under their wing. i like being around them because it restores my faith in love and happiness. AND they are both really nice people who invite me to their place to game :D (see how i brought it full circle har har)...

anyway, i can't think of any other games or things i'm excited about, so... your turn!

-z

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Dear Valentine's Day,

Screw you.

Love,

zyxe

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so i don't like doing this but i'm gonna 'cause i just need a little help. i've been going through some really rough times lately, and most of my friends have gone MIA.

if you're reading this that means you are still around, would you mind posting something nice? i could really use something positive right now :)

have a good day/night/morning,

-zyxe