I realize that everyone is entitled to his opinion, and I respect this. I also hope that you will all respect mine as you read this letter. The nitty-gritty of what I'm about to write is this: Beans's planning to exploit issues such as the global economic crisis and the increase in world terrorism in order to instigate planet-wide chaos. Planet-wide chaos is its gateway to global tyranny, which will in turn enable it to help the worst kinds of piteous litterbugs I've ever seen back up their prejudices with "scientific" proof.
I was, however, going to forget about the whole thing when it suddenly occurred to me that beans's apostles don't represent an ideology. They don't represent a legitimate political group of people. They're just flat distasteful. Mass anxiety is the equivalent of steroids for beans. If we feel helpless, beans is energized and ramps up its efforts to contaminate or cut off our cities' water supply.
Although beans has never read carefully anything I've written, it might violate strongly held principles regarding deferral of current satisfaction for long-term gains in a matter of days. What are we to do then? Place blinders over our eyes and hope we don't see the horrible outcome?
Already, some dodgy enemies of the people have begun to cater to the basest instincts of revolting mob bosses, and with terrifying and tragic results. What endeavors will follow from their camp is anyone's guess. From what I know of beans's epigrams, it is saying essentially three things:
- It has the authority to issue licenses for practicing moral relativism.
- The best way to reduce cognitive dissonance and restore homeostasis to one's psyche is to promote its sexist substitute for morality, which defines as hopeless any attempt to arraign it at the tribunal of public opinion.
- Bloody-minded scum (especially the immoral type) are more deserving of honor than our nation's war heroes.
Obviously, all three of these are truly biggety. To those few who disagree with some of the things I've written, I ask for your tolerance.
My position is that the absurdity of beans's dissertations did not dawn on me until I realized that when confronted with the real facts, beans usually defends itself with some weak explanation about how I and others who think it's an annoying arrogant-type are secretly using etheric attachment cords to drain people's karmic energy. Beans, in contrast, argues that its obloquies provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything. This disagreement merely scratches the surface of the ideological chasm festering between me and beans. The only rational way to bridge this chasm is for it to admit that its helots argue that self-righteous, ribald marauders should be fêted at wine-and-cheese fund-raisers. These are the same egocentric slatternly-types who pour a few drops of wormwood into our general enthusiasm. This is no coincidence; beans's blackshirts have been staggering around like punch-drunk fighters hit too many times—stunned, confused, betrayed, and trying desperately to rationalize beans's selfish, mad tractates. It is undoubtedly not a pretty sight.
This brings us to the dark underside of beans's publicity stunts, the side that's known to talk about you and me in terms that are not fit to be repeated. Beans is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, it has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people it desires to lead.
Some unenlightened champions of deceit, lies, theft, plunder, and rapine actually insist that women are crazed Pavlovian sex-dogs who will salivate at any object even remotely phallic in shape. This is the kind of muddled thinking that beans is encouraging with its contrivances. Even worse, all those who raise their voice against this brainwashing campaign are denounced as ultra-fatuous knuckle-draggers. Beans presents one face to the public, a face that tells people what they want to hear. Then, in private, it devises new schemes to infiltrate the media with the express purpose of disseminating feckless information.
We must tell the truth no matter who doesn't like it, so to speak. I didn't want to talk about this. I really didn't. But by embarking on wholesale torture and slaughter of innocent civilians, beans has erected a monument to egotism. Only it does not seem proper to say that such a thing has been "created". "Excreted", "belched", "spewed", and "spat out" are expressions more appropriate to the object here described. You see, someone once said to me, "Conventional wisdom states that beans obsesses not with what it can do for this country but with what it can extract from it." This phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since.
All that we have achieved may now be lost, if not in the bright flames of exhibitionism, then in the dense smoke of the savage conclusions promoted by self-indulgent, foul Neanderthals. Beans says that things have never been better. What balderdash! What impudence! What treachery!
Some people have compared uncontrollable, meretricious punks to indelicate, maledicent deadbeats. I would like to take the comparison one step further: Beans somehow manages to maintain a straight face when saying that we should all bear the brunt of its actions. I, not being one of the many lamebrained yahoos of this world, am greatly grieved by this occurrence of falsehood and fantastic storytelling which is the resultant of layers of social dishevelment and disillusionment amongst the fine citizens of a once organized, motivated, and cognitively enlightened civilization. It is common knowledge that beans wants to tear down all theoretical frameworks for addressing the issue. Faugh. It's unquestionably a tragedy that beans's goal in life is apparently to introduce more restrictions on our already dwindling freedoms. Here, I use the word "tragedy" as the philosopher Whitehead used it. Whitehead stated that "the essence of dramatic tragedy is not unhappiness. It resides in the solemnity of the remorseless working of things," which I interpret as saying that when you tell beans's sycophants that beans has no ground and no right to foster mercantalism at every opportunity, they begin to get fidgety and their eyes begin to wander. They really don't care. They have no interest in hearing that it is a cardinal principle that it is an actuarial certainty that it will permit repugnant killjoys to rise to positions of leadership and authority in the blink of an eye. That should serve as the final, ultimate, irrefutable proof that beans often misuses the word "photoreconnaissance" to mean something vaguely related to deconstructionism or sexism or somesuch. Beans's helpers, realizing that an exact definition is anathema to what they know in their hearts, are usually content to assume that beans is merely trying to say that its grievances can give us deeper insights into the nature of reality. In conclusion, let me just say that it is impolitic, dangerous, degrading, and unjust to violate beans's pledge not to discredit and intimidate the opposition.
Edit: I thought this particularly suited coolbeans.
[/spoiler] 
It's beautiful.
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