Picking up blue jeans should be one of the easiest things for a guy to do. Unfortunately, the days of selecting either a Levi 501 or 550 are gone. The women who judge us recognize a man who takes pride in his appearance, and jeans today vary greatly.
Quickrules: No tapered jeans, no stovepipes, no powder-blue colors, and no slim-fit. Look for boot-cut jeans in a mid- to dark-blue that appear relaxed without being frumpy. The key is a balanced appearance.
EXTENDED RULES
Thou shalt...
...not wear tapered jeans. These jeans are tight around your ankles and wide around your waist. The result is that you will either look fat, or like you are smuggling two baby seals in your pants.
...not wear low-rise jeans. Low-rise jeans are for women, not men. Exposing your underwear went out of sty1e with Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch. Exposing your Happy Trail is only in sty1e when you are actually in bed with your partner. Or a stall in a bar. Or a plane. Really, any place where your partner is also exposed.
...not wear powder blue jeans (unless you are the kind of man who powders your face). I own a pair of powder blue jeans, and my wife hates them. This is for good reason: they're ugly. They have since been decommissioned. Stick to the color spectrum between blue and navy blue. Charcoal jeans are also acceptable.
Below, from left to right, tapered jeans, low-rise jeans, and powder blue jeans. Horror upon horror.
...wear denim that is blue only; not white jeans, not black jeans, and definitely not brown jeans. Unless you are a model for Diesel or a very hot chick, stick with the color spectrum mentioned above.
...not wear slim-fit jeans. Please, do not make me accidentally check out you rear because you bought a pair of slim-fit jeans. Only Audrey Hepburn is allowed to wear them. Men look like women in slim-fit jeans.
Below, from left to right, brown jeans, white jeans, and slim fit jeans. Note also that the slim fit jeans are ironed with a crease on the front, a capital sin in some countries.
...consider distressed jeans. Even though your mom and your wallet tell you not to buy half-broken jeans, they are female-approved. Distressed does not necessarily mean holes, it can just mean that the jeans have "wear marks" in key areas (like the horizontal fade lines near the pockets on the front). Distressed jeans give you a "manly" appearance, like you've been working in the garage or riding horses all day, cowboy. Confoundingly, jeans with paint on them do not look good. They make you look like a painter. Painters are only hot if their name if Alejendro, they're pumped like Timberlake, and it's all occurring within her head, rather than reality.
...wear boot-cut jeans. These jeans lend you a cutting figure, are proportional to your body shape, and are currently "in." Flare jeans are also okay for men, but remember that you're a man with taste, not a man out of time. Keep the flare minimal. If you are concerned, stick with boot-cut.
Below, from left to right, are mildly distressed jeans with a slight flare (good), excessively distressed jeans (bad), and regular boot-cut jeans (good).
...forget stovepipe jeans. Unless your age begins with "teen" and the rest of your clothes are from Hot Topic, stovepipe jeans will only appeal to a tiny fraction of the female population, and that fraction shops at Torrid (if this is obscure, let me explain now that Torrid is a Hot Topic focused at plus-size, teenage goth and emo chicks). Sidenote: You can sometimes get away with stovepipe jeans only in ultra-casual situations and only if you wear a form-fitting top, like a tight rugby shirt. This is rare, though, and blending sty1es is a bit advanced for the geek. Employ a chick for help, if necessary.
..."baggy" is okay, but not great. Baggy is not the same as stovepipe. A boot-cut, baggy jean is a relaxing look and fit. The jeans should be loose without being airy enough to act as chimneys. Again, a baggy jean needs to have a tight top to offset the baggy bottom, or you will come across as frumpy, or worse, pudgy. Even better, wear a button-down shirt to offset the casual bottoms.
Below are stove-pipe jeans (bad) and baggy jeans (okay if you're between 14 and 20). On the far right (front and rear shot of one pair) is an ideal pair of jeans: they are a relaxed-looking boot cut with minor distress that fit well.
Putting jeans on the geek
Let's take our geek and put on some better jeans.
He keeps improving; now maybe his wife will be willing to be seen in public with him. What more can we do to improve his appearance? Check back later for another Geek to Chic (original geek before and after below)!
Shopping suggestions
Jeans do not have to cost a fortune. While GStar and Lucky Brand Jeans look good, they cost a fortune. If you are a geek just trying to look good and fit in, just head over to American Eagle or Aeropostale and pick up whatever they have on their mannequins. Also consider Pacific Sunwear, though it'll likely be a bit pricier, and you'll need to work around the stovepipes and slim-fit jeans. If you're still having trouble, ask the hottest female worker for help selecting jeans. On one hand, she'll be flattered even though you will feel embarrassed. On the other, she'll think it's cute you're trying to dress better (especially if you're dressed really geeky). It's a win-win.
I'm a conformist
Ryan106 stated in a comment in G2C 2 that I was a conformist. Well, I am. This series is for those geeks that - like me - need fashion help so they can fit in, get a date, get a job, or who are otherwise tired of being teased. While they teach you in school, "It's what's on the inside that counts," you are judged by what is on the outside. Every first grader finds this out their first day on the playground, and it does not stop until your dead.
And if you have ever been to a wake and heard someone say, "They did a great job, he looked nice." then you know you can even be judged by your appearance after you are dead.
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