While I mainly complain about my job, I finally got one of the perks. Our department kick ass. So we got to send our supervisor off for a vacation. he brought us back some free stuff. I got a set of nice wireless headphones, and 4 shirts. I'll post up picks later. But I got an

Asus T shirt

D link shirt

Logitech shirt

and Sea gate shirt

I'll post up pics of all of them later.

I worked Halloween, yeah fun times not really. Bad customers, blah blah blah. It was a lame time all around. Anywho with that. Things are going. I've tried to get a new life message going for me. And well, its sort of helping. The feelings for Kirsten still remain and yet somehow I still remain optimistic about it. So anyways. I dressed up as Dilbert and no one got. WTf is wrong with people. Does no one think the business world is funny? I do, and no one else does. I was like curly tie, glasses and a coffee mug. People were like Harry Potter? No! You're wrong.

Anyways, its hard for me to work with what I'm given, and I shouldn't be as sad as I am because I have friends going through hard times to but that seems to affect me a lot also. Y, her dad is going back to Vietnam, so her parents will be split. She is extremely sad about that. She is sad because she misses her friends(including me) because she feels she doesn't have any close friends up there anymore and I feel her pain. It makes me sad. I want to help her but I can't.

My friend Nick, his mom has had cancer for about 2 years and is struggling to survive. That has taken a big toll on him. And its understandable. His mom is very generous and nice. We are quite close. Anyways he has been struggling at work just to get hours and I can understand he has to take him mom to chemo and help her a lot so he can only do part time. Anyways, with that he just learned his mom might have to file bankrupcy. yeah I know. Great he isn't do so hot.

I tend to take peoples problems and put them on my back because I want to help, and normally I can't. And it ends up affecting me. Oh well. In due time everything will sort its self out. I just gotta keep at it and the times for me help will make themselves appearant.

Thats right, I had been looking at monitors for quite some time. And I did it. I bought one. So I got a very nice 22 inch samsung monitor. 1680x1050. Samsung t220. Beautiful monitor and right in my price range. At BB its 300. With discount I got it for 250 not bad. I thought it was a very modest price. So with that I got it. Its a gourgeous monitor. It has just the right brightness. I played crysis to see the colors and wow. So taking my old monitor I set up a dual monitor configuration. using my second as an extension of my desktop. I just throw my AIM conversation over there so even while gaming I can keep track of them Though I still have to alt tab it allows me to remeber to respond and read teh convo while gaming. Allowing for quicker better responses. And now I can play my 360 with ease and still talk on aim. Yeah its pretty great so far.

Disclaimer - This is a complete complaining post! Emotional problems which you have nothing to do with and I have no control over ensue!

Work has sucked, it has royally sucked this week, I just keep getting called in for work and blah blah blah. Jerk customers and I've just been tired overwork and extremely sad the whole week. School has been so slow, that I've almost lost interest in it all together, I'm not being challenged at all. But whatever, sociology has been the worst. We played telephone to see how rumors get distorted. Wow, I learned that in second grade. I wanted to just walk out of class it was so pointless. Nutrietion isn't as bad its just rudimentary. If i hadn't already learned this in physiology chemistry or anatomy then it would be fine but just taking the basics from all of those. I'll pass. My parents want me to take 12 units so I can get health benefits. Bleh, 12 units in that hell hole. Great...Plus work..

Work was a bunch of customers trying to tell me how to do my job. First of all if you have to bring your computer into the geeksquad you obviously suck. Don't tell me how to work just shut up and let me do my job. The less I have to talk to you the better. IF you have a nice open personality who just wants to learn fine but don't criticize me because you fail at knowing anything about your computer. But with that I just want a day off. But i got 3 more days till my next off. and I'm not ocming in on my days off next week they can F them selves. But oh well, I'm doing good at my job and thats all that matters.

volenteering at the hosipital has been unfullfilling, I just feel sorrowful after I'm done. This thursday was particularly bad, as ER I was packed and I would walk by and someone yelled at me for help. I can't legally do anything for them, and I just said sory I can't help you. yeah that sucked. I'm considering quitting as this sorrow has gone on for quite some time. I just feel bad for a day. Kirsten's mom doesn't say much to me anymore. I think that might be why I feel so bleh, I guess I'm just expecting something to happen. We got a new person now we have 3 people at our shift. I prefered two people as it kept me busier, now I'm training someone. They are old and they don't say much so I don't mind honestly. Its just less work for me do later which sucks. I'd rather keep busy.

I had a dream about Kirsten last night, my first one in a long time. I spent about 3 weeks forcing myself over her. That process generally gets me depressed, angry and anti social. I stop talking to God because I'm just filled with Rage. I let the darkness in and it just clouds everything. I just wasn't feeling like myself anymore and a couple of days ago, I started doing some heavy praying and reconnecting with God. and the dreams started happening again. Two nights in a row. They have been nice I'm not gonna lie. It seems when I turn to God I just get the overwhelming sense of hope for it. I donno why. I donno what to do at this point. I would just like to talk to her I guess, that would be super nice. Perhaps one day. Who knows, thats not really much a problem just an interesting predicament. Well, it is a problem, because I'll probably throw myself into that cycle of hate again.Ya know? I've done it before but its not the right way of doing things. I can always resort to the whatever happens will happens thought though Inever stick with it. Or I still think about these things.

Ok I have massive bags under my eyes. I honestly hope no one reads this, because I feel so whiney in a lot of my journals. But I guess I need to talk about things and thats what my journal is for. I just let everything out so you guys usually see me at my worst. I'm not like this at work or when with friends. I'm semi social. I get with a small group and I can have fun. Ok well, bye!

For three weeks I have given up. I tried to take some of my internal conflicts and handle them my way. It was just a disaster. I've been feeling worse than usual. Angery, depressed, overall pretty bad. Even good days at work as soon as I get home I just look back at the day and I think it sucks. I haven't felt like myself hence the lack of journaling. It was just a huge bottling of everything, I have no one I feel comfortable talking to anyways. When I took matters into my hands I have really distanced myself from God, I haven't prayed or anything in 3 weeks. I just feel empty. So I've realized my way doesn't work it just makes me feel worse. I'm back at square one. Maybe an answer will come to me, I need to get my life back on track. Not that I'm off course its just I've lost my zeal my motivation for really anything. I do good at work, but I'm not motivated. The only thing I work hard for is more hours so I don't have to be at home and think about things. I just get to avoid it all at work. its very nice. Things will sort themselves out eventually.

Well, its been about a week. I've been meh most of time. The only keeping me going is work now. Work is my distraction, and that is all it is. I get paid to be distracted for 25 hours or so a week. Awesomeness right? Yeah it is. With that, I can have a great day at work, get home and just feel crap and have nothing good to say about the day. I'm just supressing all my feelings and after a day it tends to make me suffer. But I'm keeping them down, constantly. They started to come back up today, but I got them back down. So I worked and did ok, decent sales. bleh, I need to stop this, part of me wants to. The other part says there is no turning back. A constant internal struggle between myself, a constant battle which always seems to be within. The battle between the my intuitive sense and my general feelings. I tend to learn towards my feelings but i hate them. I want them to die. Ok I gotta go, I'll write more tonight.

So my brother told me about this anime series. And its been pretty good so far. Only three episodes in. So I can't really say much about it, but the characters are developing and the art is really good. The action is there but its not the main focus which is really nice. I'll probably breeze through it if it just one season long. I can have a tendency to do that, espically with the mood im in.

I've been rather reclusive lately, not really leaving my house except when I have to and not really socializing. Its merely a feeling of not really wanting to do anything. Is that bad, I donno. I guess I'm just feeling a regression. I guess seeing everyone moving forward at Sonoma has made me want to do that, of course with that comes anger. I've been released anger towards her and in my mind its a way of convincing myself these things are true. Its making me feel horrible and I know what and why I'm doing it but I don't feel like stopping it this time. Whats the use. I haven't been talking much to anyone. That has been nice to. I just go about my business. I'll figure things out soon enough.

And its been rather depressing being home. I really didn't want to leave. It felt like home up there. Home is just home back to world I guess. It can't last forever ya know. But in due time I'll go back there and attend school. Haha. Yeah, I'm rather excited. Anywho, with this I guess its time to get back to work, even though most of my stuff is done with. I just gotta start doing some light studying.

While up there I did some flirting with Y, but she rejected me pretty hardcore. Haha, oh well. It was worth a try ya know. I guess back to square one. I'm sure it will be like that for a while. I don't get why I feel like this, I gues i just see everyone moving with there life and I'm standing still. It was pretty depressing for me. Oh well, we all move at different paces and have different road blocks right?

Well, I'm at Sonoma. Its been fun and I'm kind of tired they are watching Step Brothers and that was a lame movie. So I don't really want to watch it now. Haha, so I figured I would journal, That mkes sense right? Anywho my drive up there was good. With that, I got a new sweatshirt, and so I met with Y and we hung out for like 5 hours. It was a lot of fun made it worth it. it has been nice to get my mind off of things. Ya know, I get to crap talk about work and everything. haha, just get my mind off things. Its a mini vacation and you know what. I get to miss out on a meeting F yeah. I'm pumped.

I'm gonna pick up the new Armored Core, I'm actually pretty excited for it. So with that.

The drive up was a bit relaxing. A bit stressful missed a turn. But with that Igot a lot of thinking done. About life and stuff. It was deep, ya know. haha, not really. But it a nice prelude to the weekend. I remebered the drive a lot and all the thinking I use to do

yes i have a unibrow. I'm proud of it. I have always had it. And it seems people have alwys hated. I figured it would last in highschool, I mean high school is a very superficial time in peoples lives. They don;t understand. I would have at least once a week have someone tell me to shave my unibrow people I didn't even know. I mean honestly. WTF. And this still happens. But I get it from my family and my soon t obe sister in law. I have always kept it because its a distinguishing feature on me its the only thing that makes me stand out. Anywho, I'm tired of people always telling me to get rid of it. I like it, sure it may not be the most attractive thing ever, I don't care its my style, its what makes me me. Its my one unique feature.

Anywho with that, not much has gone on. I'm going to bed.