Well, my gut was right. Oh yeah, I'm getting better at these things. I had a feeling I was gonna see Kirstens mom on Thursday and I totally did. Haha. I was proud of my self I really was. It just seems like its one step after another ya know. The talk with her hit me pretty hard and it was mainly because I realized how little trust I have in God. If something doesn't go according to how I think it should be I tend to freak out and lose faith in what I'm doing. I went to the pharmacy dept. and she wasn't there so I was like **** I was wrong, this must not be right. I'm doing something wrong. Am I on the wrong path. I was running these thoughts through my mind the whole time. About 10 minutes before I go I run one last errand and run into her. Damn. Srsly. So I realzied that. While the talk we had was good because she said Kirsten was doing good. and some other things. Nothing to serious. But she asked me a lot of questions. Work = work school = bad. Nursing = no plan. Its very trouble some because I have been avoiding nursing. Its there right in front of me and I don't want anything to do wit hit. Its just there. I avoid it. Whats the plan for my future. I always have a plan for my future.

House sitting has been bad. I'm counting down the days. It ends on wensday. That leaves saturday sunday monday tuesday wensday. Saturday should go nice and easy. I got work and a meeting so I'll be gone for a bit. Not bad eh. yeah it is bad. But thats besides the poin. Next off. I work sunday. probably monday and tuesday. Wensday off more than likely. Leaving me with well. Ideally an easy time. Getting passed the mornings is the only hard for me after that I get every done pretty easy. 2 walks a day just to kill off her energy and make her go to bed. So she isn't always wanting to do something. Its a real drag let me tell ya.I'll nap tomorrow to help catch up on sleep.

Well thanks for listening

Well, I figured I'd stay up late. I've been tired all night but I don't really want today to start. But I guess it will continue on wether I want it to or not. It seems I'm quickly running out of reasons to even get up in the morning as it seems each day becomes a struggle in and of its self for me. Getting the end is a victory for me in which I get to enjoy a few brief hours a solititude before it starts all over. Its my cycle, work school, ? sleep. The question mark is left for misc things i may do. enjoyable or not. Most of the time not enjoyable its merely killing time or keeping me awake so I don't have to face my dreams or the start of the day. Something is wrong.

It seems at work my phrase has quickly become "I hate my life" and every time I say it with a smile and a small chuckle. I often wonder am I just hiding my feelings? Do I really feel that way and the only for me to feel comfortable voicing my opinion is in a joke. Do I mean it when I say it. How could this odd phrase become a common thing for me? I must have said it a lot for it to stick with me. Do I hate my life? I ask myself this a lot. I just haven't figured it out. I some how feel out of place and in the right palce at the same time. I feel like I don't belong where I am but I'm in the exact place I need to be life. Its a very odd feeling that really has be boggled. How do I go about this problem. If I'm where I need to be that doesn't mean I'm going to feel right. I could merely just be having some problems adjusting or I'm meant to feel this way. Why though. I tend to think there is a reason for everything. That if you could peer outside of zone of time and look at your life from a logical and unemotional stand point every event in our lives would have some logical conclusion for it. As these events add up each one has the sequetal event or events logically placed to put us in the next event that we need for our life. Pardon my grammar it is late for me. Back to this feeling. I don't know what else to do but accept it. Fighting it will only distance me, ignoring leads to me zoning out and all out avoiding my problems. How do I go about accepting that I need to be here but don't belong. I think time will tell me what the answers are. I've been getting that feeling when I wake up. I can tell what the day is gonna be. Good bad. It doesn't shape my mood but when I wake up with the good feeling, it can make me be a bit more optomistic. The bad days well, they tend to have a lot of stress.

My intition on these days have been spot on. Which forme is pretty good. I tend to follow my gut quite a bit and his skills at making choices is well sub par. To have him on a good streak makes me feel better. I'll start trusting him again. Though, with the new week starting I can't help but feel that I'm at a week of rest, perhaps a time in which something good will happen. I'm a bit optimistic for something to happen this week, but I think getting there will be the problem. But I'm sure I'll manage.

I think a lot of stems from the fact that I've lost my people to confide it. I hate talking to my parents as most of it turns to you need help, and then followed by we are worried about you. The mere fact that I don't want people to worry about me is probably a cause of discontent for me as I tend to keep things away from people I care about the most. I use to confide in my friend Y but after awhile things don't change for me and I feel bad for bringing up some similiar things over and over. I'm sure she doesn't care and is tired of hearing so I stop talking about it. It seems we haven't had a conversation like that in a long. We use to do it all the time. but I think things have probably moved backwards for me and her. I donno. Either way. On the spirtual front things really haven't been better. I feel like I've gone through a series of trials each one with a small reward at the end of it that will eventually lead up to what all this crap is taking me through. I feel one step closer as this week ends. As generally I use church as a renewal and volenteering as my day to focus on for something good to happen. I got through the week without both. Giving me a new found strength. I add on some extra challenges to it to make this trial period a bit harder for me. Making it a much sweeter victory. This week I get church and volenteering making me feel better at the very least.

Seems thsi was a bit of an "emo" post but it is what it is. Its merely a vent or something to confide in. Enjoy

I've begun noticing my distaste for reviews, as fanboys crowd a game that does good bad or even games that do good but not to good. Seems like they are just a fuel to hate on a game. Good games get hate cause they got a 10 or bad games get hate because people were looking forward to it. I saw the reviews for Infinite Undiscovery, they weren't promising and almost made me second guess my purchase. But thats ok, I got it and I love it. It took me awhile to get into and I think thats because of reviews. Though the game as scored plenty of 8's I'm very satisfied with it.

Next up IU is an awesome game. its a unique experience for me. Having 12 party members running around is quite awesome. But thats only happened once. So thats cool. Its a lot of fun though. As a game its unique, but it does lack polish but thats ok. I give it an 8 so far and thats after 10 hours of playing. I gotta go pick up my pre order stuff from the store as they were jerks. but I'm glad I got it and I'm sure it will take up more than enough tiem from me. Haha.

I recently discovered why I work. The money is nice and it will be a nice to help me get through college. But I really work just to escape my thoughts. I rarely have much down time at work, other than to wash my hands or pee. So thats the only time i think. and during that time my thoughts generally drift to my life. what a pain. It happens a lot. I stopped by work today to fix my hours errors in the system caused some problems. I so I got to get that fixed thankfully. I guess I just can't stay away. If it wasn't for Infinite Undiscovery I would have tried to work. I just want to be there. Getthing something done. Today has been rather dreary(sp) not much happened but playing IU has been great. I really am enjoying the game so far. Its a very unique experience for me. I knew tri ace would make a wonderful game and they did.

I've done a full week of work, and school. I'm beat, but I had a lot of good happen this week. I got my first pay check. So I'm good on that front. I like money. Haha. So with that I am now starting my saving. So thats good. I don't get a break yet I got one more day to work before I get a break. So sunday then I'm done. Thats always nice.

School is going. I'm keeping up quite well, I'm actually ahead of where I need t obe so its good.

Thursday. I ran into Kirsten's mom at the hospital where I volenteer. And we talked for a quite a while. Around 5-10 minutes. Very nicely flowing conversation abotu Kirsten, me and other things. I got the feeling her mom wants us back together, and that she had something to say to me but was undeceided on whether to say it or not. She had a worried kind of look. I donno, she is worried about Kirsten though. So we talked and she asked if I was seeing anyone. I told her no, as things progressed, she said I'm sorry about what happened between you two. She sadi I donno what happened. I answered with me neither. as it progressed she had to get back to work. SO I called out wait and asked another question and said Tell Kirsten I said hello! and she smiled a different smile than before and left. I think she was happy to hear that.And was niec was to hear how she is doing. I hope she does ok this semester and doesn't stress out to much over her O chem class. Her mom said alot of her friends failed the class and she is really stressed out. I feel so bad for her. I want her to be happy. I then found myself asking the question. Why do I still care. I don't know but I do...Well, it seems I miss her. In my off time at work I often find myself thinking about that convo, and if it will lead anywhere. Who knows. I know I don't but oh well.

So it seems time has passed and I've found myself back here posting. A lot has happened since Sunday and thats rather hard to imagine considering its only been a few days. Two to be exact. As I start on this third day I need to write. I really needed to write. Work, has been getting worse and better at the same time. One, I'm a low self esteemed guy always have been. My self esteem is piss poor because I have very high standards for myself. I've found this true. So there is a new girl and everyone says I'm way better than her and far more socially entertaining. Woo, self esteem right there. But work its self is rather mundane. Its customers and "broken" computers. But with that I do have a colorful cast of character there. All in which I do throughly enjoy hanging out with. 3 of them I go to there house regularly. Me and Jen (She is like 30 and married don't get any ideas) Get along very well, she thinks I'm smart and she talks to me quite a bit. Yeah there is the crew, the guy Adam seems cool but its usually busy so we never get to hang out.

School, well.... I have nothing good to say. Its about a 15 minute communte there. Not bad not bad at all. Except for the fact I hate it there. I just don't belong. I feel out of place. I really do. Its just like I'm there and I shouldn't be. Its a weird feeling. I doubt I'll make any friends. My mom is regretting her decision not to send me to Sonoma, which has pissed me off to no end because it wasn't her decision. It wasn't I made it. But oh well, I've been pretty upset. Its just been stress. Nursing, school, work, social life.

Speaking of social life, I think my agitation might be a bit due to my all of a sudden active life. With school, and such, and hanging with friends about 4 times a week. My brother always wants to play games online with me and my mom wants to watch lost. I have to do school work. That I don't get my time that I'm use to just sit and play games and kind of lose myself in my world. Though the one relaxing bit of life has been Y. Yeah Y you all know her. She has been an interest of mine that has fleeted and come back. Well, its back. Yeah, I know. The last few times we have talked I have just wanted to say Y, I really really like you. But I know it wouldn't work she is very busy and I know I am needy in relationships. Plus, I wouldn't want anything to happen to our friendship. I cherish it. I really do. Its kind of got me distraught. I Wonder if I'm just using her as a replacement because about 80% of the time she really reminds me of Kirsten.

As with Kirsten, well not much has happened. Its all internal conviction and internal drama. AS to wether I'm right or not I donno. I still pray for her, and I hope for a second chance. Y asked me if I was over her, since the convo came up of her old bf. I said " I don't get sad by it but I still think of the possiblity of it happening" Is it truth? I donno feelings vary from day to day. Its complicated I suppose.

I've been feeling lonely. With more friends and being more active I feel more lonely. Its just how its been. I always need the really close friend I can confide in. I also think its because I miss Sonoma, and Y. I do miss her. We were really good friends, still are but its weird not going to costco with her. Haha. Well, I guess thats all for today. It took me a long time to get the words for this. I hope you all enjoy a big snippet into my life. God bless :)

Well, it seems going to church has really been a source of renewal for me. When I'm feeling stressed, breaking and over all pessimistic, it tends to bring out me. I get uplifted and I get the strength and enlightenment to continue the week. Its been really nice that I feel pretty much changed after church. It tends to last quite a while. Its been a rather nice experience. I guess its all part of my walk. It gives me strength to continue on my path that I walk. I feel lots of encouragement in what I'm doing in life and what my current struggles are. Its been nice, its been an experience I can't explain. The words the music all seem to speak to me. The Bible is speaking to me giving me hope and courage. Prayer gives me a different feeling, a feeling that God is listening and working. Its wonderful. Well, God Bless :)

So it seems its been awhile. to be honest not much has changed for me. I'm still pretty much in the same spot I left off. Except I think I've turned really negative towards life. And the things i say to friends, they laugh at and I try to make it like a joke but I often find myself wondering if I really mean the things i say? I'm not sure but the things seem to be a more common occurance. Oh well.

My job is rather frustating. Its a job, and customers are well retarded and i already hate them. haha. Most are nice but some are just nagging me all the time. Oh well.

I've been having some really vivid dreams. Yeah they have her. I can't remeber having dreams this vivid before. I remeber a few lucid dreams but a dream this vivid never. I was there. I woke up asking myself did this just happen? Taking 5 minutes to get my bearing straight I realized it was just a dream. A dream was all it was. I laid back down and staired at the clock for 10 more minutes thinking about what just happened then went to school.

I'm going to the local JC now. Needless to say I hate that also. Seeing a common trend? Yeah, its like high school. Its all trends and what not. Its weird, I don't think I'll ever adjust or really make any friends there but then again I'm not really the social type never was. Not that I mind.

My friend bought a ps3, and his roommate rented mgs4. so I gotta beat that by wensday. I think I can do it. I put in about 2 hours today. Not bad eh? Its more action packed that I would like but thats ok. Its very solid gameplay.

Well, I'm off I got more to post tomorrow.

Ok back, Civilizations Revolution has been taking up a lot of time. Haha, its distracting as I stop the game but still try to figure out my overall stradgey of the game to achieve victory. Its tough but fun.

Been a mix of emotions today, but I've evened things out a lot. I stopped breathed and worked accordingly and prayed. Its evened me out a lot that I've started to get work done. I'm very happy with it. Ok back to apps I'll be back to post more.

I've been waking up feeling confused and distraught. I feel like something is happening my sleep that I just can't remeber but its affecting me in strange ways. It takes me about 3-4 hours to sort through it all, generally a bit of meditation a shower and some distrations but I get over it eventually and get on with my day. I haven't really had this problem before. maybe its my dreams, I often find me self having them more and more frequently. Remebering my dreams seems to be a new experience for me. I use to never remeber. But up until the last year or so its been happening. Within the past few months its a common occurrence. Can't say I like it, but thats anotehr story all together.

I'll post more in this blog is later.

School is approaching fast. To fast if you ask me. It starts Monday. I got sciology on Monday wensday and Friday. EEK. and nutrition on wensday nights. Always fun, been in a rather odd music mood as of lately. I've been just lurking youtube looking for stuff I wouldn't normally listen to. Its enjoyable to broaden horizens every some often eh? It gets old. I lie. Lol. I'm hungry I should probably eat. I've been losing a lot of weight. I dropped 17lbs this summer. Not bad eh? I want to get down to 175. But thats a little low for my height. So we shall see. I have a hard time balance my weight. Either I gain or a lose. I can't ever balance myself. But oh well. I'l figure it out eh? Yeah!

I have a sinking feeling something is gonna happen, something big. Its been in my stomach all week. Its just there. But I have been wrong about this. I've only been right on one of my predictions so far this summer. Haha. I still go with my intuition. It never leads me wrong. It just says hey something big is gonna happen, then it doesn't. Life continues on. I'll punch him later for being wrong so much.

Work...Is work. Working with the Geeksquad at bestbuy is an experience that well, isn't that enjoyable. And when I start doing 8 hour shifts I don't know how I am gonna handle it. I might F'ing explode. After about 4 hours of dealing with people I get pretty tired. Social situations take a lot out of me. That and driving. Driving for 2 or so hours just kills me. I always had to nap whenever I drove home to Sonoma. Damn I miss Sonoma. Some friends called me, and were like OMG you aren't coming back. I'm mad at you. I felt sad. I miss that place so much. It was my haven. Oh well, I'm meant to stay here for a reason I guess. Oh yeha back to work. I can't use the cash registar yet. That is lame. But so far I'm getting the hang of it. They say I'm picking things up quickly so we shall see.

Been looking at a tv/monitor to us for all my gadgets. So I can move my ps2 down stairs or soemthing and play so3. Mm so3 has been great so far. I would want a nice one. But yeah I'm gonna keep looking and see what I can get.

Yay a post without whining about certain problems. haha go me.

I've regressed and moved forward in life all at the same time. While, I came to a realization today that has given me strength for whatever stupid path I've put myself on. Work has been rather stressful, as its a lot to take in. But working at best buy will be fantastic once I get in the swing of things. THe main problem is I'm suppose to be saving money but I can easily find many things to purchase there. But I can get 50$ cables for about 8 bucks. Not bad eh. So I'm ditching the KVM and going to dvi for my monitor and getting a vga cable extender and I'm gonna get a wireless mouse and keyboard. If i can talk my parents into paying 50-75 dollars for my monitor then I might look into a nice 22 inch wide screen or soemthing. Who knows right now. The cables will happen monitor maybe not. I might also want a raptor 10k rpm hd. I'm using an IDE crap drive right now. BUt thats for later.

I've been rather down in teh dumps, I should be happier as they constantly play rattatouille at work.I love that movie. Something about it. But thats besides the point. Its just my inner demons. I use the words demons for inner conflict. Makes it sound cooler or a struggle. I donno. I worked through a lot today. I donno how long it will last this feeling I have. Its a fleeting feeling. I get pissed reconcile then it returns. So I hope I have the strength to keep it. And look forward. Things will work out it due time.

Not much has happened with me. Just a personal battle and a constant wondering if this path is right. But as I look around there are no other paths for me take. I'm stranded and I can only move forward. Does it make this choice right? I have no idea. I'm wondering where I went to wrong to end up here. Maybe I didn'tdo anything wrong and this is right. If this is right why do I feel like this. It will get sorted out. in due time. I hope and pray things get sorted out. Haha, well. Thats it for today. If anything changes I'll be back to edit :P God Bless

------------------------------

08/11/08

I got off work felt a bit sick. I've been doing nothing since I got back at 11:45. I've been listening to the Chrono Cross sound track on youtube. I'm definaitly gonna pick it up once my pay check gets in. I got in contact with an old friend. That was good. She was a highschool friend. So we talked, got a little bummed after it. Brought up a lot of memories. As for today my mind has been pretty focused. I'm not getting side tracked. I feel like i need to do something. Something is tugging at me. I don't know what to do though. Oh well maybe a nap will help.

Ah napped, I feel better I think. I had the dream again. Just another part of this progression. This one everything seemed perfect. At a water park holding hands. Quite odd. These dreams all seem interconnected and moving in an sequental progression. Oh well, a friend called me. I'll ask her about it tonight. I get to do application tonight. Then check on teh nursing tomorrow. so its going goood.Talked to a friend and she offered good insight. SHe said the dreams were my way of coping with what has happened. I donno if its true or not. It could be. I did my apps today :)