Well, I asked her to the movies today. She said I saw it already thanks anyways. Well, I guess thats that. Time to move on. This might be the closure I needed I donno. I'm pretty bummed. But I can't dwell on the past any longer. I have to move forward or something. But what is forward and where will it lead me. It will lead to more heart ache. I need to figure out other things before this happens. So I'm at a stand still again. Which I hate. I'm not doing to bad. I'm still flustered from it. I was really hoping things would work out. But thats life right. It sucks. Heh. Live and learn I suppose.

Its more than a feeling. I got that song today. I have always liked Boston has something else to mellow out to. So I got a few songs of Itunes today. Heh

I think to distract me I'm gonna re do that open pic there are a lot of errors with it. Thats bad.

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New

This has been one of the hardest journals for me to write. I'm at a loss, I'm happy,sad , anxious, nervous excited, and doubtful all at the same time. I gotta do nursing apps still I'm gonna do them tomorrow or at least get my applications sent off to the schools for admission, Then do the apps on the weekend and mail monday. They are pretty simple.

As for her. I donno what to do. Like the Boston song - Its more than a feeling. But I donno. this is what I don't know what to write. I have something to say, I just don't know how to put it. Its a horrible experience for me. I'm usually good putting my thoughts onto paper but now I just can't do it anymore. I just can't. I...I...donno, I've been staring at the line for about 10 minutes. Heh. I'm over my depression. I donno just the way things were falling into place. I thought things were gonna happen. I was gonna have my chance with her again. It was exciting. I really was excited and happy. I prayed and prayed for it. Now I donno what to do. Do I continue to pray for a second chacne or do I pray to get over her. It doesn't make sense. I guess its a problem does God actually listen to prayer but doesn't care? I guess its a theological problem I'm struggling with. Oh well, this problem will be sorted out in due time. I guess. I can't really be sad. My friends have it worse. Divorce and a mother stricken with cancer. Its affecting me. I want to help but I'm powerless. I can't help them other than comfort them. Its my weakness. I always want to save people from there problems. If a friend has a problem I can spend hours thinking up a solution for them. Its just how i am. I want to help and I always want to help. And if its something I can't help it just lingers in me and rips me apart from the inside out. It really kills me. I'm wall of texting but thats ok. Its a lot in my mind. I still care about her. Now I can't hate her since she has responded. It was easy to hate when I thought she never cared at all. Now she has messaged back and Im like she still cares (friendship way) and now its hard to hate. haha. Oh well, I don't need to date my future is unclear.

Yeah, seeing my brother and his fiancee' (sp?) has made me super excited to see Kirsten and the prospect of us getting together lingers in the back of my mind no matter how much I try to shut it down. I gotta house sit tomorrow for some scrilla which will be fun but I'll be alone with that on my mind. I'll go crazy thats for sure. It sucks. Wensday after orientation I'll message her since I'll have a clear view of what my schedule will be like. It will be exciting. So I hope I get a response. It will be good if we can revive the friendship. But who knows too many things can happen. But either way I'm super exciting for the chance. hehe. I feel calmed now.

I got my ps2 back from my brother. With that I started so3. Its been wonderful. I read a lot of negativity towards it on the boards and its nice to see that damn I really love this game. Its voice acting is suitable. Some parts I was like eh, and others I was like yeah its good. I'm glad to have the characters and story (even if the plot twist eh) it was a remarkable game.

Yeah, but lets go over today first. I went to my brothers engagement party. IT was a lot of fun. They had a chicken there for some reason. I guess they do that. I donno. Anyways, it was good food fun people. Not much to say really.

I did my best buy drug test. And being a non druggie I should be fine. I should bedoing my one day orientation soon. Hopefully I'll get a call on monday or something. But on monday I gotta do nursing applications.That is a big ass pain. I'm gonna call up Kirsten and ask her to The Dark Knight since I think she was hitting at that. It'll either lead somewhere or give me the closure I need. So its win fricken win.haha. So yeah.I want to get the nursing apps done with before we meet. They made me kind of moody. Just stress. So with that we shall see how it goes.

Well, it seems things have taking a turn for the better. I got a job. FInally. I'm working for the Geek Squad at Best Buy. 11.00 an hour and I know a lot of the people that work there so I'm pretty excited to get working there. I impressed the manager and all that and I got some options for the future, so its all looking good.

I went to a friends and played soul caliber 4. It was ok I'm new to the series or at least. i rented 3 and that was about the extent of it. It was cool but I donno I guess I would have to play it more. I prefer doa still. The new geo wars is pretty fun, I donno I'm upset they took out the gun upgrades. That was very very disappointing to me.

I messaged a bunch of friends after I got my job. and one of them was Kirsten. She messaged me back and we texted back and forth about 4 more times. It was nice to talk to her. I donno if it will lead anywhere. IT might.

Well, going on for about 3 weeks now. I've been having dreams about my ex. There are generally simple. Its us getting together. We met at church, concert, her house and just talking. We sometimes she calls me or vice versa. This dream has been happening a lot. Its not normal. I rarely remeber my dreams but all these seem so clear. I just don't get why I'm having them. Its not like me. Bleh, oh well. Had more dreams. Seems these things just keep coming at me. They must mean something. Oh well. Time will tell if they have any signifince.

I got rejected from ICNE yeah I figured I would so thats that. Pretty simple. One more college to cross off my list of places to apply to eh. Always fun. I'll update tonight.

Well, I might be getting a job at best bu. I'll be having my second interview on tuesday, Yah. I'm excited. Went to a gears tourny today. I don't even play gears. I was just there to be entertaining. It was. I won one round. IT was 1v1 so it was pretty uneventful to be honest. It was just meh. One v one big deal no tactics or anything. IT was just shoot. I was just being loud and annoying.

volenteering has been going relatively well. Its kind of boring to be honest but I make due. I go there and feel good about myself. I hope to see Kirsten's mom just to say hello and see how she is doing haha. Pathetic maybe. I don't really care anymore. One day.

I tried going out with some other girls. I tried my friend Y and that made me fall flat on my face. I thought she had some interest in me we talk quite a bit but I guess I'm just a friend. Which is ok, I don't think things would have been good between us. We are just well different socially and the way we handle things. She is logical, so if you F up in life she will say its your fault if it was and doesn't matter how bad you are hurt. I'm more emotional and will comfort. So I think that would lead to a lot of conflict. But I tired. Thats all the matters to be honest.

Not has changed except for the fact things have just gotten worse. But I'm beginning to see a reason to some of the events in my life. My friends mother just came down with cancer of the liver again. Surgery isn't an option. He is at the very least to say very very bummed. I would be to. I was in the same situation once. But yeah. So I think I didn't get into nursing to help him with this. I donno. I need to give him a call. We might hang out tonight or something. Bleh. So thats that. Its really sad times. I'm very sad. me and his mom are very close. A second mother to me. Well, God Bless.

And on to my life. OMG life. Yeah it sucks. We watched Teeth, it was a weird movie. Anywho, everyone is drunk. Can't say I'm a drinker. I've tasted it not my thing. But I digress. I came up to Sonoma, to see my friend Y and Nathan. I'll be staying the weekend. It will be cool. Er it was cool so far. Y was rather weird not her normal self. Entertaining at her picnic in which a lot of people didn;t show she was rather, ungrateful for my traveling an 1 and 30 to see her. Maybe I was expecting to much. So yeah some other things didn't work out. Seemed like she wanted to go home. I didn;t want her to go home I wanted to hang out with her more. Its weird nto seeing her . Maybe. I donno weird feelings going on her. Its the same thing I always have. I feel like we have soemthing but then other times I feel like we don't. Its on going. I don't want to ruin our friendship so its just not worth the risk to me.

Moving on, Teeth was weird. people were way to into it. Like the Chicks were LIKE OMG OMG OMGO OMG it bit off a penis Get over it. It was entertaining though. I was like alright. Kind of weird. The movie was like abstinence (sp) and stuff for a the first bit. Promise rings and what not. Everyone had had sex but me. It was Natahan and his friends for this movie. (No Y) So they were going on. And i was like umm abstinence haha. It was a bit weird for me. Just a little. The Love Guru is ok, decent.

My Ikarugaing has gotten better. I got an A rank on level 5. I was like OMg I'm pro. haha i felt like the biggest bad ass ever. I did bad on the final boss, I died on some easy parts. it ruined my awesomeness.

Yeah, I've been have some mass fluxations in my emotions. I'm falling apart and I really don't feel good anymore. My stomach feels bad I have bad sleep, and I'm suffering from some loss of appetite. I donno what to do. ITs just the same ol same ol. I donno how to fix the problems I have. Bleh.

Company of Hero's was my first rts by relic. I looked at screen shots of it before its release and was like wow this looks awesome. But I never bought the game. The following christmas I bought the game for my brother. We lan'd it and then stopped playing. About a year after that I got it and we played it some more. Then we started going online. I've been hooked ever since.

The graphics look really good. You can zoom in and see each troop with a gun and it just looks fantastic. But what I liked the most was the low amount of macro and high amount of stradegy involved with this game. It wasn't about using up all your resources the best. It was about using your troops to the best to hold territory so you can tech and use special abilities. The game has three resources. Manpower - which constantly flows into you, different troops have different up keep levels. So to many of one kind of troop will cause your man power to drop a lot. Ammunition, which allows your troops to throw grenades, lay mine, suppressing fire. Or call in off map artillery. Or buy better guns for your troops, like mp44s. Fuel is used for teching and building vechile. Tanks take fuel and building buildings takes fuel. So you have to hold these resources from your enemy.

My favorite unit. The mg's. A mg42 can defend a point from regular infantry. It is a strong early game weapon the can be easily killed if not ready. But if its set up it slows down the movement of infantry as they duck to the ground to avoid the bullets. They take less damage but can't move as much. So you have to figure out how to get the mg out. Using a squad behind green cover todraw fire then send the other squad around to throw a grenade or something. You have to think. And you have to workaround the support the units. Maybe a mortar is better for the situation or a sniper.Or you give up on the point and fight him else where.

The cover system is cool and makes you think. Green, yellow, no cover and roads or negative cover. The cover gives you a higher percentage to not get hit. Which is good, as you can have a rifle squad in cover take on two other squads not in cover. Its very helpful if you utilize it correctly. Buildings are unique because it all depends on windows. If you have a rifle squad of six go into a building with only one window on the west side then only one guy can shoot. It offers the most protection but if your damage goes down to much it can be detrimental.

Tanks can change the battle but aren't used in mass. I like that. There is no one unit that dominates everything.

The main bad thing is the terrible design of the british faction. The game is centered around fast pace combat and offense. But the british faction is all about building emplacements and holding like one piece of territory, its not fun to fight against at all.

Journal coming up tonight I will post later. Going golfing.

I'm back, and I've just had a bad time all around. I'm furthering my break down of myself. I can honestly say I'm just falling apart. I panicked attacked last night as I saw I might not get classes for the fall. That all worked out but I haven't been able to shake the feeling of nausea and sorrow. I still think of her and I pray to God to get rid of the feeling but I just have the feeling of a second chance. I'm pathetic. I'm F'ing pathetic. I hate myself for not moving forward in life. I've regressed. I'm living at home playing game competitively again. I thought I was done with that. I'm a shell of my former self and I just hate who I am. I'm no longer the nice kid, who was trying to help, who had an optimistic outlook. I'm just a jerk, who doesn't care and figures nothing works out anyways so why give a Shi t . Its a very depressing time for me. Sigh...

People have been asking me about my favorite games. I deceided its impossible for me to make a list. So I'm putting them here as why these certain games/series of games have made an impact on my gaming.

I started off with FF tactics as my first stradegy game, and I thought there is no way a game could be better than this. I was dead wrong. I started researching stradegy games becaus, it was a different style. It was like chess to me but on a more creative scale and it had a story. Having only a xbox and psx, I ventured out and found nothing on the xbox, but I stumbled across front mission 3. First off the name captivated me. I love the name for some reason. After looking at screen shots I deceided I must have this game. If only I knew what I was getting myself into.Being young, about 16 or so, my brother bought me the game off of ebay because well that the only way to get it these days. I was pleased to have it and immediatly started playing it. From the starter mission was impressed but I figured I could rock this game easily. As I accumulated some allies along the game and finally got to start custimizing my wanzers (mechs) I saw how much there was. You could choose each part of wanzer. Left and Right arms, legs, body, back. Then the weapons, shoulder mounted weapons,shield, mellee weapons, shotguns, machine guns, flame throwers. It was over whelming and amazing.

My favorite thing of the game wasn't the gameplay but setting up my team. getting the right balance of weaponry. The game has a system of each weapon has a different attack type. Blunt weapons and shotguns and impact type. Machine guns spikes and penetration. Flame throwers and missles fire damage. Creating the balance, of power house wanzers, and quick assualt wanzers gave me plenty of options ot mix and match with.

The action point system was awesome. YOu got about 22 action points. Moving used up action points and using different weapons used up more action points. Defending had increased action point usage. So if you are attacked, you can defend using a shield if its equipeed for 2 AP, or shoot at them for 6 AP. This was beautiful system because you only regened 10 ap a turn. Its been a while so my numbers might be off. So you had to balance movement, attacks, and defense so you could fit everything together. Flame thrower the strongest and had the shortest range of a ranged weapon two squares, used upp 11 ap. It was deadly but left you standing still.

*spoilers*

The story line in 3 was ok. It was believable, genetically modified soldiers to handle the stress of a wanzer become crazy and threaten the world with a new bomb. Not completely out there.

But Front mission 4 was a great story. Totally believable and down right amazing. Made you think this could really happen, in our life time. As a country who came to power through war is struggling in peace time, because its economy is tanking, so it sets up a few attacks to get countries rilled up to buy arms from them so they can become stable once again. It was awesome.

*end spoilers*

Each character plays a distinct role in the story. It was like fire emblem where people joined my party and I often wondered why. (I love FE by the way)

The game play, the game was a great stradgey RPG, it had wonderful map layouts that gave you a lot of choices. It was all done by precentages, and what not. It was a standard gameplay. hard to describe. Not to hard not to easy. Front mission has defined what a stradgey rpg is to me. With a balance of real characters, believable stories, and tons of custimization for the battles ahead. I have a hard time playing any other stradgey rpg's because they just don't offer the depth that this game/series has offered to me.

P.S FM4 wasn't bad it was really good. Its just 3 left more of an impression on me and its my favorite of the series.

It seems whenever I'm in an arguement, or get mad at someone, I'm always the one that they end up getting mad at. I was having a discussion with my dad. About jobs always fun, he was getting on me about things. I was complaining and in a bad mood to a friend. I made a typo in my rushed typing. And she was liek OMG OMG LOLO LO OO LOLOLOL you are soo dumb. So I blocked her not being in the mood to deal with that. She texts me and it just says sorry. Still pissed off at her and working with my dad. I just wrote whatever. Then about two hours late. I text saying sorry for being mad. And I get I'm mad at you you are mean. WTF you were being a B in the first place. Seems this always happens.