taking the past few days to let things settle down, I'm doing a bit better. But still a bit shaken and I guess it brought a few realizations forward for me. With that I guess things will settle down and I'll be back in the same spot I was before all the news. I've spent the past couple of days hanging out with my friend and we usually do our fair share of complaining. and we all feel better. I usually do but thats that. So with this, there isn't much to say. I've done plenty of venting over the past couple of days. I guess its just my stupid optimism that says everything will end up ok. Stupid optimism. Haha its all I got. Hope, never lose hope ya know. Its something I'm good at holding on to hope as you all have read with some of my situations :P Well good night all.

So I got up at around 11 today. Got ready for church, it was actually quite nice. My family had gone to an earlier service and I got to to go alone. And let me tell you I did enjoy it. While I enjoy going to church with my family they seem to have certain expectations, my mom likes to raise her hands in praise and dress nicely. I like to go there and meditate because of the atmosphere and other such things can get me in a meditative state. While i do this with my family it seem frowned upon because they think I'm not paying attention. Anywho, I got to really sit down, listen to a great message, open up my heart in prayer, and man I feel great. It had been about a month since I had been to church. I have renewed hope and confidence. Hooray.

I'm not doing so good. I've been spacing out sleeping excessively, I've lost a lot of motivation. I'm just in a rut. Then on top of all of that my friend gave me some rather bad news about his mom. She has been battling cancer for about 2 years now. So with that, she has had a low platelet count for some time. And its gotten so low they ahve to stop chemo, therefore cutting her life expectancey drastically. He told me weeks probably. Me and his mother and rather close. And I took this rather hard. Spending all yesterday in a rather quiet pissedoff state I barely spoke at all. Thankfully I didn;t run into Kirsten's mom at the hospital or else I would have probably broke down crying. Of course with all ths happening the one person I want to talk to is her... and since i can;t I started developing hate... A path of destruction for me. I've stopped that after I broke down mid night. Hopefully I'll get better.

As for my friend he has started going to counciliing to deal with this. So hopefully he is ok. He doesn't really talk about thing so there isn't much I can do.

Well, I just finished this series. It was rather short. To short for my liking but none hte less the story telling for the series was great. The characters were awesome. The narration from Kyon really was what made it for me. He was a guy I could relate to. A more level headed character. the problem with it though was the episodes, everyone had a different order for it. So I'm sure I missed an episode or two with it.

Another closes along with it? There was a girl at work, in which I seemed t oget a long with. She was cute. We would talk when we could at work. it was fun. We had some small inside jokes, since we usually closed up shop together. Anywho, I figured whats the harm in potientally asking her out. I know me asking someone out. Well anyways, I haven't had much luck with the ladies. I'm very picky and I still care for my ex but Ifigured I can tell if its real if I go with someone else and see where it takes me. Well, she has a BF. I'm not upset. Its just another door thats keeping me in the stand still. Oh well.

How I loathe dreams. They never seem to bring my anything but confusion.I never understand my dreams or why I have them. But they just becoming more and moer vivid. I wake up and ask myself did that just happen? I had one like that today. I got woken up at six o clock to pick my dad up from the car repair place. So I did that and went back to bed. Immediately fell asleep and had a dream. It was, so clear. Each touch, each movement. The smells were there. I remeber everything that happened. Vivid dreams make me more troubled. I usual try not to put any importance on my dreams but some how this dream was different. I don't know what say about it as I don't want to get into the dream. Not that it was gross or sexual or anything. I guess some matters I don't want to get into right now. Anywho, its just been on my mind all day. I'll get my answers eventually.

Well, I guess I've been masking some things. Its not a lie. I got my hours cut a work. Yeah it sucks. Cause now I have more time to focus on me..and I hate that. Less time to keep me distracted. Yeah, I can feel the onset of it. But I look on ward. Its not that today was a bad day by any stretch. It was really good. I got two pay checks. Cleaned up a lot. and well, I guess that it. Played Infinite Undiscovery, that always puts me in a good mood. It seems its hte only thing that puts me in a good mood. Once again that worries me. I guess the game is an actual escape. Its a nice single player game with an awesome world. Its fun for me. Anyways. I can just feel it. In my gut and in my mind. Maybe its all mental I donno.

With that, things have been going. I haven't felt much like going out with friends. Needless to say the last few times I have been out I just don't feel right. Maybe i have social problems, I'm not entirely sure. I can talk just fine to customers but sometimes i just can't find the right words to say to friends. Its just there. I get speechless and reclusive. Oh well. In other news I ran into Kirsten's mom at the hospital again. Always fun, she said Kirsten is doing not so good. Maybe thats the reason. I'm not sure yet though. I sent her a message o nface book. Oh how I loathe social networking. Anywho, I haven't received a response back not that I was looking for one i nthe first place. It was juat a friendly

hi how are things going there. I ran into your mom. So I figured I'd write ya. LMC(our JC) sucks haha. I got my hours cut at work due to the store not doing so well, but I'm looking forward to it as a mini vacation :P . Hope all is going well with you. Bye.

A nice simple message, let her know whats going on with me and what not.

Next up I got a test coming up. Oh joy. It'll be easy its an easy class, giving me a nice gpa boost. yeah. I hate it though, it feels like a waste of time. Oh well.

Wel, its been about 72 hours since my last meal. Well, I've been drinking liquids as caloric intake. Each day has been a struggle, it has been clearly defined to me.

Day 1 - Patience - Hunger never settled in but it was a long day. Nine hour work day. I had been having a horrible week. But nothing out of the ordinary happened this day angry customers etc. But I just seemed calmer and a bit more relaxed. I felt like I could handle it. I was stronger. I could handle these things. It was better. I got home and relaxed for a bit. And then spent the night in meditation. It was a nice time. I began to see what was going on. I prayed for Kirsten, my brother, and for me. I feel better.

Day 2 - courage - Hunger is light, it comes and goes.My mom had asked me what I was fasting for quite some time. I never wanted to say. I got the courage to tell her. I still care about her. I was able to let out a lot of emotions that day. A lot things I kept inside. Not letting anyone close to me know. My mother was a bit shocked when I told her I cared, but I think she understands. I tried on to stay on the subject to long. I began to look to God for courage and guidance when dealing with my brother and Kirsten. I began to feel stronger and confident.

Day 3 - Perseverance - THunger is constant - Food has been tempting me for most of the day. Spending a good amount of the day sleep. Well not a good amount. A lot of it was me talking to GOd while I was in bed. I began dreaming. Different dreams. I dreamed of a fox. That I was scared of but it tried to get close to me and I pushed it away. I began to think about it. My brother which I am praying for dresses up as a fox. Yes he is a furry. I shouldn't push him away if he ever trys to reconnect. I may want to. It got me thinking. I've been salivating quite a bit. Ready to eat. Haha. Looking forward to seeing it. Spending more time with God and listening to sermons I see that I can withstand a lot. I'm able to handle more.That well, we are a team. God will give me the opportunities to work, and i Just have to seize the moment. So I know with my struggles God is working. He is working with her, he is working him, and he is working with me.

But in all honesty I'm ready to eat..One more hour!I have eaten and it feels good. With this event over with. I feel satisified. Not knowing what to expect from it I feel like I've learned and gained a lot from it. God bless

Its been a long day. I didn't get much time in prayer. Sadly but it was a test of patience. Work for 9 hours. While not eating. its a lot. I've deceided to go till Wensday. It'll be nice.

So I spent my lunch break in prayer. I prayed for Her, and while I felt better, I wasn't fully focused. But I still felt the presence of God around me and I felt comforted with it. That I'm going good. It was a feeling I had lost and it was nice to have it again. Tomorrow isn't such a busy day so I can get a few things done then be ready more meditation tomorrow. Today was just a nice little prep time, get me going. Test my will, if I could do it. I don't think the other days will be as tough as today. Espically since I'll be spending more time in mediatation. Which I'm looking forward to. Help me get myself back on track. Hopefully find my path or find out if the path I've chosen is right. And get the courage and idea's to help those around me. And maybe learn how to reach out to her. There is a lot. I'm excited for the rest of the time. Well, thats it for tonight. I'm gonna relax for a bit. Put on some Lincoln Brewster and listen to sermon online. Thats my night. Gnight all.

Well, the past couple of days have been while. There. It seems I'm having trouble relaxing now a days. I've always got something on my mind. It can be about work, because well I always want to do my best and help people the best I can that I think if I messed up its bad times. It bothers me. I need to just try and chill a bit more. But well, I'm just I donno uptight. If I'm alone my mind wanders and it never wanders somewhere good. So I think my fast starts tonight. I'm gonna try to go 3 days at the very least. If I feel called to do more I shall. I have no problem going on some more if need be. We shall see where it goes and what it tells me haha. I'm a bit nervous. Considering all things. But oh well. Go big or go home Am I right?

I'm beginning to hate work and I hate people. I explain people things and they are like wtf why do I have to pay. Umm your service plan covers this, not that . WHy do I have to pay and it went on for 5 minutes. I wanted to punch him and say stop being so stupid. You got a stupid virus on your comp. Deal with it you are dumb. I don't get people I hate people. Its the frustrations from work that dwell within me. Its really love hate. I like getting paid and stuff and good customers are good but everything else in between, having to worry about sales figures and sort of pushing sales. So its like wtf. I just want to try and help people. Its how it is. Things go wrong all the time. I'm good and people tell me I'm good for how long I've been there but I just feel like I can't help it I'm doing bad. I'm way to hard on myself and I tend to take all the blame upon myself. Its how it is. I do it in relationships to. Any arguement I feel like its my fault. If I was better we wouldn't be here. Its painful and I've ID this problem in my I just get caught up in the moment and don't think about it until way after.

I learned of pandora.com today. And well it was refreshing to listen to some new music. One guy really caught my attention. Jeff Dodd. It was just such a calm music. Pleasant. It just surrounded me. I looked him up and all his songs were similiar to what i heard. And by similiar I mean it wasn't some odd instrumental piece. His all are just acoustic and bass. Its wonderful. He has nice acoustic and the bass carries the melody. I love it. Its something I can get lost in. I see my musical tastes shifitng. I love my old music I do. But I want something new and fresh. Insomium is still filling the void. There love songs stay with me. As they have some great lyrics and guitar. They ahve even brought a tear or two to me with there songs. Very passionate and very nice.

Iu has been great. Lots of negative press but oh well. I'm loving it.

Before we get into the fasting part of this post let me tell about whats going on. I just finished house sitting and let me tell you it sucked. I mean it was stressful tiring and all around crappy. The three dogs were just fine. They are a nice little pack. They all respect each other and they know there places. I was pack leader to them and they followed and respected me. They were good. The two cats were a bit anti social with me but by the end they would come up to me for some love. The puppy on the other hand had no rules or boundries as far as I could tell. I sought to change that. While teaching the dog to be potty trained I had to gain pack leader from this dog. It was easily gained as I'm bigger and any struggle the dog put up as I put it in to submission was easily nullified by me. But either way the dog had way to much energy. it could take a 30 minute walk and stll want to run around. It was just a 4 month year old puppy so it was a busy dog.

While house sitting I realized some things. One, I'm very lonely. I hung out with friends but all of it seemed unfulling. It was just there, hanging out with people never cured my looming lonelyness. Soon after I would after hanging out I would feel the same way. It was never good. With that I don't know how to solve it. I don't..

Next I still care about Kirsten. I do. I've tried flirting and I've tried purseing some girls but it all leads to nothing. Its just not there. Bleh. I just don't feel the chemistry or ever y path that has some interest gets completely shut off, due to various things. Maybe its suppose to be like this. I donno.

Work, work is good. Its been slowly getting better as I work there more. And the paychecks are nice. Its been fun overall and I've met some nice people. Its given me more of a social life and whether thats good or bad has yet to be deceided. Haha. Recently I've been branching out and doing more things within the job more advanced stuff. So its ultimately shaping up to be more fun than I had expected.

On to fasting. My mother deceided to fast and mediatate on things in life. Mainly for my oldest brother who is kind of way ward. He is a bit distanced from teh family amd into to abnormal things. She is worried about him like always. So this fasting is for him and that he will come back to the family. I deceided to join my mother, although he was a concern for me and he is part of the fasting, I wasn't totally deceided on what I should fast for. I prayed to God and I had a dream about her. Yeah, so I think I'm gonna fast for her and that she finds God. But I'm doing ot for me to. A day or two in strong mediatation is just what I need, to help get myself focused and improving myself. It will be struggle for me, but its something I need to do. So I guess my fasting is being broken down into three parts. Kirsten, my brother, and for me. Not bad all in all. It'll be a new experience for me I hope I get some guidance from it and some great things happen!