Overall I'm doing good. Today has been a bit of relapse. I guess I'm just more worried about never talking to her again. Its been awhile I miss her voice. Haha, I'm pathetic. But thats nether here nor there. I've moved on I think. Who knows I've given it up to God. Its a big step for me. Its been a big growing process already and that I am grateful.

Well, I messaged her, she seemed really distant from me. Not even in a friends way. I can tell she is struggling. Poor thing.

I thought I needed to write about something other than my woes and my feelings. I'm strong in the feelings and that is enough.

In Flames new cd is out. I orderd a signed copy of it. I'm really excited. They posted it up on myspace. The songs are good. Anders vocals is ok. He can do better but he is getting my dynamic with his vocals and thats cool. So far the cd seems promising. I've spent a lot of my time alone revisiting some of my favorite songs by them. Well some of my favorites, slower stuff has affected me more.

1. Evil in a closet

A pure master piece

2. metaphor

3. take this life

I'm gonna go slump back in sadness. man I miss her.

The talk last night with her has left me in a better mood. I am still on a roller coaster of emotions. Oh well, I've been getting back in touch with my favorite band In Flames. Man they have some truely amazing stuff. Its been getting me moving I spent the majority of the day feeling happy. Now I am kind of down. Oh well. I sucks when the one person you could always go to you can't anymore.

I'm starting the moving on process I think. I'm not really sure haha. She said a lot of I'm moving on FOR NOW type stuff a lot yesterday. I think she is hiding something from me. I donno what. I'm gonna look forward and if we cross paths again I won't be objective to it.

I have been feeling in the dumps the last few days. After those texts I had been waiting a call from her. To my avail nothing happened. Making peace with it I headed to church today to hear Ron Carlson speak on world religons. A personal favorite subject of mine. Though I don't agree with everything he said he had some good points. But while in a moment of mediatation within church I got the overwhelming feeling that I had when we broke up. That things weren't over. Soon after I got very pissed. I'm with conflicting notions.

One: we will meet again and it will be awesome, we are merely in a growing period, the love is still there and it will persist. But perhaps some time apart we can sort things out and come back stronger.

Two: I don't want to cling on to her, I don't want to stay hoping we will get back together.

I miss her, and I'm mad at God for giving me this feeling. I don't know what to do. I will post more later.

adding in more.

I've slumped back down into a sadness. everything reminds me of her. I got back to college and had some of the gifts she had given on my desk and her pictures on my wall. I almost broke into tears. I think I am trying to rush myself through this. But I just have that internal conflict. I don't want to find anyone else yet. I want to talk to her. I want to know what she is going through. I checked her facebook, she hasn't been on since the break up. I'm confused. I don't want to contact her again after those texts I sent I can't be too desperate. She will contact me and when she does I will know what the answer is.

Once again, I pray, God protect her and bless her.

update update

She is very sad, but wants to move on. for now..she said that like four times. bleh. I am gonna do the same. Its spiritual growth time. haha.

I texted her today, I wrote hey hows it going.

she responded I'm trying to get through this.

I responded: If you need to talk you can always call me

She responded: Yeah, I am going to dinner now maybe later

Weird

Well, I spent last night and today trying to piece together my sorrow which has been this break up. I think I have pieced it together quite well. I am not completely sure. I spent today at our resivoir. Its a peaceful lake that I use to run around on a daily basis during cross country. I love that place. So I went there, I was angry confused and sad. And I left with peace of mind. It was truely a spiritual time in which I turned my life over to God. I always felt God put me and her together and he has taken us apart for some reason. I've had this weird feeling in my gut(figurative) that I will see her again. I am extremely willing to stay friends with her, I know God doesn't want me out of her life, but I think at this point I can have a bigger influence on her as a friend than as a boyfriend. Although, I wonder if we will meet again later. I can only wonder. I am not going to sit around and wait for that though, I will move on and if it happens it happens. I will cherish what he had and looked forward to the new memories will have has friends. I look eagerly to future and will no longer linger on the past.

This break up feels different from all the others and thats why I remain optimistic for my future whatever it maybe. This isn't a time for mourning its a time for growing spiritually, and emotionally. That is why I am pressing forward trying to find my place and that special someone. Maybe I've already found her but we aren't ready yet. I don't know but I will look forward and forge a friendship with her and I will keep my eyes on others who maybe girlfriends. I march into the unknown with bright eyes. What I feel is not normal.

May God bless her and protect her. Kirsten...

I look forward, but I still have the feeling things aren't over between us. I shall continue on. I think we both need to grow a little bit, and thats why God took us apart. Of course we shall see.

Well, it was a long weekend, full of sunshine and cupcakes. Friday I drove home and hung out with some friends. Kirsten was too tired to hang out she went to bed at like 7 she just got done with all her finals. So me and buddies gathered up and did cod4 together till about 2 then we went to bed. It was pretty awesome.

Saturday me and Kirsten had a nice date. We went and saw jumper, my debt card wasn't working so she paid (w00t) the movie alright, it felt butchered. They would open up cool plot things but then never go anywhere with them. It was kind of boring at times but she thought the main character was SEXY so she was entertained. I wouldn't watch it again and if there is a squel I'll probably pass. Samuel L Jackson's white hair pissed me off.

Continueing with the date she was pretty tired still. So she forced herself awake. That was nice I guess I donno. She was kind of off in her own world. I made her dinner and it was pretty delicous. We had a really good time.

I gotta head home again next weekend (lame) I like college but sometimes its hard with a long distance relationship I do like seeing her but I like staying at college. Anyways I am going home to help a friend out. His gf just broke up with him so I figure hanging out with him will help him out. And I'll see Kirsten on one of the days. We can have another date.

I get the play smash bros one of my friends got it today and we are all gonna do that when we get together.