"Pathetic little fat man
No one's bloody laughing
The clown that no one laughs at
They all just wish he'd die."

- David Bowie, "Little Fat Man"

Al Lowe has his baby back!

I'm not really sure how it went down, but Codemasters has apparently loaned the rights to Leisure Suit Larry to Lowe. (I'm guessing the complete critical and commercial breakdown of the unspeakably vile Box Office Bust suggested that their Lowe-free Larry experiment was over.) Lowe is now hopping on the Kickstarter bandwagon and trying to get another remake of the original Larry game made for modern machines and mobile devices. He's asking for half a million and has already made about $100,000 in a day or so, suggesting victory is nigh. Of course, a strong showing here (along with the massive haul for the DoubleFine game) will be another huge win for adventure gaming, so there's a lot at stake. The success of this project will also determine whether or not Lowe is put in charge of future projects, so in many ways, we're investing in Al's future.

I'm actually a smidge apprehensive about this - if you include the original text game that Leisure Suit Larry 1 was based on, this is a remake of a remake of a remake - but I guess this is a safe, conservative first move for a guy who hasn't designed a game in ages.

The link to the Kickstarter project lies here:

http://kck.st/Haj4Fx

I'll chuck $250 onto the pile - call it a Nostalgia Tax for a decade of puzzles and laughs. $15 gets you the game, DRM-free, so that's a good place for normal people to start.

It's like 1992 all over again in here!

"'Cause I'm a 21st century digital boy
I don't know how to live but I've got a lot of toys..."

- Bad Religion, "21st Century"

But seriously, I do sometimes enjoy stuff outside this hobby. I swear! This is one of those boring "crap I'm into" blogs, so if you're not in the mood, I won't blame you for running away.

If you're still here, though...

Books

Like a lot of geeks, I read Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game in high school and it turned me towards SERIOUS SCI-FI. Strangely, I can't stand Card anymore, between his relentless sequelitis and odious politics, but I have to give credit where it is due: Ender's Game and Speaker For The Dead are stone-cold legends. I was also a big Tolkien fan, although not to the degree where I can read Elvish or tell you the name of Boromir's great-great uncle or whatever.

My current favorites are Cormac McCarthy - The Road is an unbelievably good post-apocalyptic novel if you have the stomach; ideal for Fallout fans - and Terry Pratchett, who went from "kinda funny fantasy author" to "brilliant satirist" over the years. Sadly, Pratchett has early-onset Alzheimer's, so both his family and the world will lose him soon. Still, he leaves behind one hell of a legacy: one of the most richly-detailed fictional worlds ever created.

Strangely, I am one of the seven people left that has never read a Twilight, Hunger Games, or Dragon Tattoo novel. I DID read most of the Harry Poter series. And the first two Game Of Thrones books, I think. I don't like to stand on the snob pedestal too often, but it would feel semi-criminal to read Twilight when there are still holes in, say, my Faulkner collection.

T.V.

Archer is currently my favorite show on T.V., so that should cancel my snob card right there. Actually, the show has a lot of obscure literary/film references for a raunchy animated spy comedy, but most of the humor is firmly rooted in sexual antics and people being the biggest douches possible. It's the ultimate evolution of Adam Reed's brand of humor, which first took root with SeaLab and Frisky Dingo - two hit-or-miss shows that screamed "potential!" but never could be consistently hilarious. Archer is a home run, though, and a big cult hit for FX... odds are the show will get a 7-8 year deal and another production gig afterwards for Reed, meaning he's probably set for life. Good on ya, Adam.

I always liked Reed's method of writing because it breaks a lot of the boring rules of television. Characters sometimes talk over each other, stammer, use filler words, and engage in the sort of Buffy Speak regular people often use. It makes the dialog much more organic - which, admittedly, is a strange adjective for an animated show made on what appears to be a $400 budget. It's one of those DVR/DVD essentials because there's so many funny background events and non sequiturs during the "everybody arguing at once" segments.

I also enjoy 30 Rock (although it's starting to show its age) and Parks and Recreation. Oh, and Mad Men, although I prefer it as a DVD "watch a few at once" thing since the plot is so glacial. I don't really watch much television, though - it's generally a conduit I use to watch Mario jump on Koopas.

Music

I really don't know anything about music after, I dunno, 2002. Like a lot of people, I LOVED music when I was younger, hit Year X, and just didn't care as much. I still love music in general - note my blog format - but it'll be stuff from my college days. The odds of me going out to a concert these days are microscopic, yet I practically lived at the Roseland Ballroom during college. The last show I went to was... um... Fiona Apple, at the end of the Extraordinary Machine tour, which was many years ago. My pal Kris is a semi-big-shot at MTV and we hung out with her after the show, and I had one of my better zingers:

Apple: "Do you work at MTV as well?"

Me: "Nah. They make you take a rigorous intelligence and knowledge test during the hiring process, and unfortunately, I scored too high."

Kris: "YOO ARE SUCH A JERK!" (Imagine that with a thick Long Island accent, which trust me, makes it way better.)

I do check Amazon's MP3 page every day and if the $3.99 album is something that intrigues me or sounds good, I buy it - what the hell, it's four bucks. I've gotten some duds, but on the whole, it's done wonders to expand my collection and at least keep me somewhat connected to the musical world at large. I've discovered a few artists that way, like St. Vincent and Quantic, that have become favorites of mine.

Oh, and I am also an epic Ultimate Frisbee player and Wiffle Ball pitcher. (You know you're from New England when you're down with the Wiffle.) I'm a two-sport threat.

"When things get so big, I don't trust them at all,
You want some control, you've got to keep it small.

- Peter Gabriel, "D.I.Y."

As seen in my last GOTY blog, I haven't been buying a lot of software this year. (My current tally is less than $100... that's just weird for me.) What I HAVE been doing, though, is helping Kickstart every cool-sounding game on the planet.

As you're probably all aware, Kickstarter (the site where people donate money to helps omeone realize a project) has become huge news in gaming lately. Tim Schafer's DoubleFine used the site to raise money for an old-school adventure game, hoping to somehow rack up $400,000... and ended with over $3 million instead. The guys behind the cult favorite Wasteland then went to Kickstart a sequel, angling for an ambitious $1 million... and now have $1.5 million+ with a month still to go. Even more obscure fare like Stoic's The Banner Saga, a hand-drawn strategy game with mighty Vikings, is getting double its asking price with weeks upon weeks left to keep the tally growing.

I've funded all of these games and more, and there's one constant theme running throughout their sites: "publishers told us nobody would want this sort of game." Notably, all the games I listed are "adult" in content - meaning thoughtful, not gory/naked - and are not in the 3 or 4 genres that publishers still consider worthy of their time. The coveted 13-21 male demographic is still a gold mine, but gaming as a hobby is decades old. There are grown-up gamers going underfed by the current marketplace, and it looks like we'll be getting what we want the old-fasioned way: D.I.Y., baby!

Okay, we're not technically Doing It (Y)ourselves, since we're paying other people to make these games, but it's still a nice way to circumvent the Megapublisher Machine. Now, don't get it twisted... like I said in my DoubleFine blog, I've donated enough to all of these projects ($15 apiece) to ensure my own copy of the game at launch. This isn't some charity thing; it's like a really long pre-order. But it feels good to help bring games to life that a bunch of suits didn't have the vision to realize themselves. Not every game designer demands a home run with each release... some are more than content to make an honest living, creating works thata lot of people truly enjoy. Works that are DRM-free and DLC-free. Wasteland 2 won't do Call Of Duty numbers no matter how much money we pour into it, but who cares? The staff has enough money now to make something great, live indoors, and show the world that the hobby isn't just for shrieking adolescent maniacs.

Now if you'll excuse me, a gentleman needs money for a game about an alien blob who needs to get groceries for his family.

"It's a fine line between mediocrity and dopeness, so I chose to record this/Until I'm in the Top 5, like Oprah on the Forbes list/Until I get my weight up, like Oprah on a forklift/Competition get ate up, like Oprah on some pork ribs."

- Kenn Starr, "Back At It Again"

Once again, I'm charting my Game of the Year choices every quarter to see how much my tastes change over time. Are we, as gamers, more likely to give the crown to something released late in the year because it's still hot and fresh from the oven? History has taught us that my picks don't move much, meaning my theory was wrong. Or, possibly, the very nature of these blogs keeps early-in-the-year games in the front of my mind, this contaminating my own data. Well, whatever, until I get my research grant for this vital subject, I don't care.

All of these will be spoiler-free.

1) Mass Effect 3, XBox 360

Mediocre game; amazing ending.

SEE WHUT I DID THERE?!?!?!?

Mass Effect 3 isn't even a game anymore; it's an event, a moment in history. It has become the focal point of half a dozen key issues in the hobby - DLC, the nature of choice, artistry vs. business, the megapublisher monopoly, and of course, THE ENDING. If the disgruntled fanbase gets BioWare to change the ending, or at least add more options, that is a key moment in the discussion of narrative ownership. For more thoughts on the subject, see the entire Internet.

All of this is obscuring the fact that Mass Effect 3 is actually a very, very good game. Granted, if you didn't like the changes made in ME2 - streamlining instead of exploring, more shooter mechanics, the weird Uncanny Valley crap when they ink suit actresses - you'll still be unsatisfied. But as far as chatty sci-fi adventures go, this is as good as it gets. As a fan of theseries since day one, seeing all of the trilogy's issues come to grand conclusions was extremely satisfying. Depending on your choices, the game can be a legitimately moving marathon of hope, or a bleak treatise on the things we do to win a war. The showdown with Dr. Solus at the end of the second act can be legitimately unsettling, if you're being ruthless, and doubly so if your reputation precedes you and the Krogan don't trust you, either.

And for what it's worth, I LIKE the ending. It's dark, cerebral, and just plain weird. In movies like A Space Odyssey or Brazil, those are virtues. In ME3, they're drawbacks. Maybe video gamers haven't aged as much as we'd like to think.

2) Journey, PS3

Damn, I blew my Journey song quote on the wrong game!

Live usually gets all of the good artsy games - Microsoft is aggressive like that - but thatgamecompany is keeping it real for Sony. And luckily, their products are much more creative than their company name.

Describing the game is difficult, as much like Flower, it doesn't really have a reference point. BioWare has an incredible pedigree but they're very much a mass-market developer; thatgamecompany is legitimately working on the fringes. Here's a flower patch. Here's a little dude in a desert. Now go do something. (I'd guess you'd call it a platformer at gunpoint.)

I CAN illustrate the game's many perks - gorgeous music, the joy of gliding, funky multiplayer - but it's like the code itself is a spoiler. Just buy the damn thing. *Makes happy chirping noise.*

3) Dear Esther, PC

This is a game where you walk around an island and don't get to do anything. And your avatar talks a lot about stuff. Lot of Bible themes going on. *Plays heavy metal riff.* YYYYYEEEAAAAHHHH!!!

Guys, I'm just old. Been doin' this for 25 years plus. Like most old addicts, it takes a lot to get me high now. Or something new. And so help me, a meditative walkabout through a wonderfully rendered island is more interesting to me than, say, having a space marine disembowel a giant insectoid alien.

Again, this game is all spoilers, so sorry this isn't more helpful. You use a torch sometimes, if that helps.

4) Lumines: Electronic Symphony, PSP

I played this a few times at my buddy's house. It's really fun.

Sorry, it's the first quarter of the year. I haven't really played much.

5) SSX

I liked the commercial I saw.

____________________________________

Mass Effect and Journey should have legs throughout the year (ME3 will be talking point for eons), but the list is basically up for grabs. Xenoblade Chronicles is a likely mover. What's your favorite game of the year so far?

"They could take or leave you, so they took you, and they left you."

- St. Vincent, "Cruel"

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

More and more developers are making public criticisms of second-hand gaming, or at the least, the used game market. Creators used to speak with their software - DRM, one-time codes, etc. - but with the rise of Twitter and 24-hour gaming news, chatter is bound to leak through the corporate firewall sooner or later. Before, it was business. Now, it just might be... PERSONAL.

Part of this, of course, is that developers have a lot more concrete information about how many people are paying to play. Hell, you don't need some sneaky spy worm... just about every game has Achievements for playing through the basic story mode, and Game Maker X simply has to look at two numbers and compare:

Units Sold: 370,000

Players With Story Achievement X: 710,000

That's a lot of people riding the bus for free. And let me tell you, I take the bus to work to be green, and my driver has some very strong opinions about people trying to ride for free.

I'm well-known here for generally taking the side of developers. Corporations or not, they're still creators, and I believe creators should be compensated by those who enjoy their work. But it's not a black-and-white issue by any stretch, and it's nearly laughable when a company like Electronic Arts plays the victim card after a decade plus of underhanded business and labor practices. Both sides of the issue have plenty of dirt on their hands.

Developers have tried just about every tactic in the book. Some appeal to decency ("we need legitimate sales to feed our families and keep our company afloat!", some to pragmatism ("we can't make you new games without money!"), and some of them are just plain pissed off. Hey, it happens. A team spends two years working on a game, and two days before launch, it's already been hacked and torrented across the Intertubes. That's gonna make someone a little grumpy.

A common refrain is that second-hand gaming has always been part of the hobby, but that's something of a half-truth. Everyone - including myself - has loaned and/or borrowed games here and there. The real issue is more modern: the incredibly organized and profitable second-hand market that sprung from GameStop, Amazon, E-Bay, and the like. Not even the most ruthless publisher is going to worry about people loaning games to their cousin, but once a national chain is set up that is specifically designed to promote and profit from used video games, with no kickback to the developers? Then, my friends, it is on like Donkey Kong. (I love when I get to use that phrase in a video game context.) Some developers have accused GameStop of ceasing orders for new product after the initial sales rush, so they can deal strictly in used product. GameStop is pretty scummy, but that's a very strong accusation. See what I mean? It's heated, y'all.

And as per usual, THAT'S the problem. Both sides go right to nuclear weapons without trying something gentler first. Publishers found out there were freeloaders, and went right to DRM and connectivity babysitting. Gamers feel they've been slighted in the least, and it's all "pirate these scumbags!" and "hack the code so that the guy's head looks like asex toy!"I hate to go all Jimmy Carter in here, but where's the dialog? Where's the sitdown? Just about everyone has it tough right now; why can't we find common ground in that? Why is the relationship between game makers and game players so adversarial? Shouldn't it be the opposite? Don't we need each other?

Rumors abound that the next X-Box will be designed to not play used software. I mean, rumor or not, that is draconian all over. Siblings will have to fight each other to see who gets to tie the game to their account. ISN'T GAMING FUN?!?

Maybe there's no common ground. Maybe developers would stab their own mother for a nickel, and gamers are all deadbeats looking to pay .17 for a AAA blockbuster. But can we at least try some conversation before the machetes come out? This hobby is meant to be about entertainment, and not rooting for a side in a proxy battle between hackers and digital security experts.

"We're free to fly the crimson sky,
The sun won't melt our wings tonight."

- U2, "Even Better Than The Real Thing"

Kid Icarus rises from his NES grave today on the 3DS, as Nintendo attempts to mine a bit more gold from their legacy. You think he'd be Adult Icarus by now, but he's an angel or something, so who knows. I always liked the 'Kid' part of the title, as if Nintendo was making some left-field effort to freshen up the myth of Icarus for those crazy kids and their rock and roll music. "THIS AIN'T YO DADDY'S ICARUS!"

I like the original well enough - it's somewhere on the second or third tier of NES properties - but I wouldn't say an update is essential. But you know how the Internet is:

"Franchise X is a thing that once existed. So where's Franchise X now, you silly developers?!?"

Add in Pit's rising stock from a strong showing in Nintendo's museum-with-punching Super Smash Bros., and I guess it's as good a time as any to see if Kid Icarus has legs. History has shown, though, that nostalgia reboots aren't as successful as you might expect.

For Exhibit A, I present Punch Out! for the Wii. As an NES kid, I can't stress enough how big Mike Tyson's Punch Out was for my generation. It's one of the defining games of the NES. Despite all that, though, the Wii edition sold well below expectations despite good reviews and a good product. It seems that the gamers who spent so many hours battling Soda Popinski in their youth had moved on to an HD console, or more pressing concerns, like working more hours as a claims adjuster to pay for their son's orthodontics.

Hell, we could be here all day, listing Ye Olde Franchises that were updated to no avail. Bionic Commando's downloadable remake did pretty well, but the slick 3D reboot sold in the single digits. Golden Axe's return went completely unnoticed. Rygar came back for the PS2, not that anyone cared. (Hell, how many people remember the original Rygar?) Toejam and Earl nose-dived on the X-Box despite being a pretty solid effort. A Boy And His Blob, of all things, was made into a charming family game for the Wii that nobody purchased. (That game had a 'hug' button, for crying out loud. What are you people, monsters?)

And c'mon, Paperboy 64. A game where the GRIM REAPER HIMSELF comes to stop you from delivering newspapers, because he really hates The Washington Post or something. (Maybe he's mad that they stopped printing his daily Jumble.)

To make a long story short, the mere fact that people have heard of your franchise is no guarantee they'll pay money for it. All of the Battletoads memes and prank calls in the world won't translate into sales, no matter how hilarious they may seem to the easily amused. If anything, the Internet's nostalgic fervor isn't proof that people want your game, but proof that, well... your game is, like, OLD.

Don't get me wrong: I think Icarus has a decent chance. Reviews are good, promotion is heavy, and it has broad appeal to young and old gamers alike. But to assume that Nintendo can pull any old name out of their vault for an easy million in sales is just not true. Ball's in your court, Internet critics: Nintendo has finally delivered the Kid Icarus game you've been banging on about for a decade. So are you gonna buy it, or were you just filling the ether with babble? Time to put up or shut up.

And if you don't? Well, there's a plot at Nostalgia Cemetery right next to King Hippo that Pit can crash-land into.

"Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on..."

- Journey, "Don't Stop Believin'"

The FUTURE of Mass Effect? Get it? 'Cause the game takes place in the future? Man, I'm good. Also note the Sopranos allusion in my song choice, in the vein of WTF endings. Layers, people. Layers!

Mass Effect 3 isn't over yet - the melodrama over the ending continues, and there is still C to be DLed. But the Shepard trilogy is probably over and done as far as core games go. ME3 juggled about a hundred story variables and I'm sure BioWare's programmers will be grateful to finally let them drop and roll under a couch somewhere. Still, the series remains commercially strong and a MetaCritic monster - there's no way BioWare puts it out to stud, especially with Electronic Arts holding the leash.

So now what?

New Action/RPG Series: The safest bet, of course. Start a new trilogy and see where it goes. There are some issues, of course - chief among them the ending of ME3, which has some serious consequences canon-wise - but what the hell, it's science fiction, and The Reapers only strike every 50,000 years. Push the series forward a few centuries as an excuse to update the art and help sweep story detritus under the rug. (Of course, Liara might live to be a 1,000...) Place it in a new galaxy so all the old politics are long forgotten - human, turian, and quarian colonists, living together and getting into wacky hijinx!

Krogan: "I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER!"

Quarian: "Put the lid back on! You let germs in that destroy my weak immune system!"

*Krogan headbutts Quarian and kills him; crowd laughs.*

Who wouldn't want to play that?

If people are getting tired of the BioWare formula - magnetic human hero leading a band of misfits against the evil horde - this would be a good opportunity to shake things up. Instead of a default hero, let players choose their race/gender/etc. and branch out a little. Playing as a Krogan in ME3 multiplayer is VERY entertaining, for example. And imagine the romance angles you could pursue as, say, a Turian? Trying to find a gal with just the sort of mandibles you like? Finding your Quarian gal a full body condom a la 'The Naked Gun?' Good times!

BioWare crafted a great universe with races, features, and science that people really enjoy. They'd be nuts not to make further use of it. Hey, speaking of which...

The Mass Effect MMORPG: Seemed like a no-brainer at one point. BioWare didn't have an MMO, ME already laid a universe out with distinct jobs and races... what's not to like? Of course, The Old Republic pretty much deep-sixes this idea, as B-Dub isn't likely going to spend the immense time and resources they'd need to compete with their own product. I think ME is a better fit than Star Wars for an MMO - the races are more distinct and Star Wars has a boring super-job in the Jedi - but obviously, the SW brand is a juggernaut you can't say no to.

An ME Multiplayer Shooter Thingie: ME3's multiplayer isn't just a nifty "bonus feature;" it's clearly a way for B-Dub/E.A. to test the water for the franchise's viability as a sort of Call Of Duty for smart people. "C'mon, you finicky hardcore gamers! We know you won't touch Battlefield with a ten-foot pole, but this here's a shooter for people that actually like to read stuff!" I'd call it a success so far - while limited in scope, the co-op looks and plays well and hasn't dropped me once. Teammates are staggeringly helpful for the most part, and making it co-op based scares off a lot of the shrieking jackals that make a lot of on-line games so insufferable.

E.A.'s stake in this is obvious: working over the beloved map pack/DLC market for a gaming segment they haven't really gotten their talons into yet. For BioWare, there's probably some excitement about a project that doesn't cling so closely to their shopworn formulas. Hemingway is one of America's most celebrated authors, but the man loved a good fistfight or drunken nurse - BioWare might enjoy something simpler to work on, too, even if their oldest fans will cry blood and crap bricks.

The Saga Continues: Some of the BioWare team told players to keep their ME3 saves... you know, just in case. I can't possibly imagine BioWare making an ME4 (or some continuation of the current story) after such an exhausting ordeal, but I guess ya never know. At this point, each player's save data is so different that programming a follow-up would require a human brain designed by M.C. Escher. Maybe B-Dub could use that save data in a passive way (a Liara cameo in a new trilogy, or some such), but they couldn't possibly keep this story thread up? Could they? Do you REALLY wanna go through this again, BioWare?

If they go with the multiplayer game, I say do it this generation. Otherwise, I'd wait for the next one to make save transferring easier. But then again, it's not my gazillion dollars in play.

Hell, green-light a Charlie's Angels thing with Liara, Tali, and EDI. (With Mordin as Charlie, just because.) Just keep the series alive somehow - gaming would be a lot more boring without it.

This blog will contain vague spoilers for Mass Effect 3, as you may have gathered. Of course, the ending for this game is so funky that it doesn't actually relate all that much to the rest of the game, so I'm not sure 'spoiler' is the right term here. Well, whatever. If you want to go in fresh, avert your eyes.

Eyes averted?

Good.

Mass Effect 3's ending is so controversial that it seems to have devoured the entire gaming-related portion of the Internet. It might be the most controversial game ending EVER, which is no small feat. You would've thought that Metal Gear Solid 2 had that title for life, but then again, the whole game is nuts and Kojima is just kinda like that. ME3 has a whole trilogy on its shoulders. So much more is at stake.

I'm not gonna go over the details - 17,000 sites just spring up in the last 10 minutes to do just that - but I find the discussion and fallout of the whole affair to be fascinating. I rather like the ending, in a meta mind screw sort of way.

But as I said yesterday, I also think BioWare should change it. Not because people raised $50,000 overnight for Child's Play on the hopes that they would do so. Or because some people are nerd raging because they didn't find out if Tali builds her house, or if Grunt becomes a Dad, or if Shepard's fish survive the Normandy's crash-landing. No, they should change it because they specifically promised a definitive, satisfying ending, and did not deliver one. They crafted an INTERESTING ending, yes, and one that will probably be remembered long after we'd have forgotten the predictable RPG "what everyone is doing now!" montage. But when you promise people something in exchange for their money, you need to deliver that.

In fact, BioWare delivered quite the opposite: a meta, shadowy, ambiguous ending that can be interpreted in a hundred different ways. You can argue that the terms 'definitive' and 'satisfying' are nebulous, and that BioWare thinks their ending(s) fit that criteria, but we're all men of the world here. We have a pretty good idea of what an RPG developer means when they use words like those. A definitive ending to ME3 is one where you find out what happens, specifically, to everyone you've met in your travels. It shows how much Shepard has changed the world. It doesn't, as a rule, involve hinted-at indoctrination, ghost children, and your crew landing on a mysterious jungle planet with no follow-up.

There are a number of theories circulating the Intertubes about what actually happens in the last hour or so of ME3:

ZOMGZ BioWare SUX! - currently quite popular, even if it's not really a theory, per se.

Shepard Is Indoctrinated And The Final Push Is An Illusion - popular amongst the game's more thoughtful fans. @Hirasugi has written a spectacular blog about this and you should read it now-ish.

It's A Meta-Parody Of 'Player Choice' - the Choose Your Own Adventure nature of ME's story choices has always been a source of satire, both from within BioWare and without. Why not make the game's last moments a pie in the face?

BioWare Just Finished Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Saw The Ending, And Said "Let's Go With That" - I like this one, if only because I felt DE:HR was mildly overlooked.

Deus Ex comes up a lot because Shepard's decision on how to use The Crucible is rooted in transhumanism; whether to control the Reapers, destroy all mechanical life (including Shepard, the nice Geth, and EDI), or synthesize all organics and machines. Many fans consider this a left-field bit of philosophy, but honestly, it's not. The Reaper/organics conflict is the core struggle of the ME trilogy, and the nature of organics and machines drives many of the bigger subplots, too, such as the Quarian/Geth conflict and the evolution of EDI. Even Shepard him/herself becomes a cyborg in ME2 as a not-so-subtle metaphor about his/her humanity possibly slipping away as Shepard allies with Cerberus. Transhumanism is all over the place.

Regardless, though, most fans didn't sign on for ME3 to hear BioWare opine on cybernetics. They wanted to see what happened to the characters they came to know and love. Even if many of them died - including Shepard, which seemed inevitable - they wanted that closure. BioWare all but promised said closure, and didn't make good on it. And that has to be rectified. And listen carefully, BioWare: that DLC simply MUST be free of charge. I can't possibly tell you how much it would hurt your image to basically charge people extra for an ending you more or less told them they'd already paid for. There's business and then there's brand suicide, and you need to tread VERY lightly here. People wanted a 30-60 minute reel of heartbreak and triumph, and you gave them 10 minutes of "WTF?"

I'll remain on BioWare's side here, though, even as I suggest they rewrite their own hard work. Endings are a near-impossible thing, particularly when there's so much build-up and fan anticipation. People are generally disappointed with finales, but really, it's our own fault: how can we expect a single montage/cinema scene/episode to somehow wrap up hundreds of hours of content? It's a magic act that few have achieved.

I'm reminded of some of the most famous 'WTF?' endings in popular culture, also known as "Gainax Endings" thanks to the penguin-related nuttery of Neon Genesis Evangelion. The show St. Elsewhere turned out to be the fever dreams of an autistic child. Or The Prisoner, which Patrick McGoohan deliberately wrote to be vague and infuriating. Even Seinfeld falls in here. Famously, Larry David laughed about the Seinfeld finale, making many of the same complaints I just did about fan expectations for finales. I mean, we're talking Seinfeld here - what were people possibly looking for as resolution?

I can't wait to see how BioWare plays this. A major developer rewriting their own published work to adapt to fan demand? That's a significant milestone in software storytelling. And if nothing else, it's fun having a point of reference that the whole hobby is centered around, even in our current platform-wars atmosphere.

BioWare wanted an ending that would be remembered. Well guys, for better or worse... congratulations! And good luck.

Yes, yes, I'll be discussing Mass Effect's 3 uber-controversial, all-consuming Internet-clogging ending in a blog tomorrow, to cap off ME3 Week. One of the perks of being a brazen ME fanboy is getting a thousand E-mails/posts/etc. to get my opinion of the ending, as I'm apparently the equivalent of a noted scholar in the Mass Effect community. My mother is SO proud!

Here's a little teaser, though: I liked Mass Effect 3's ending. I also think they should change it. Oh, I'm sorry, did I just BLOW YOUR MIND, man?!?

But that is for tomorrow. Today is for a topic free of invective and controversy: DLC.

BioWare often takes a larger-than-average share of the anti-DLC flak fire, for several reasons. For one, they actually engage their fans on the subject, which leads to putting a bunch of stuff in text and print that their fans can turn around on them in righteous indignation. (Which is why most companies don't say squat.) And E.A. or not, BioWare is still generally considered to be one of "our" guys; a gamer's game company that manages to keep some artistic integrity in the modern corporate era of AAA gaming. In other words, we expect DLC from the likes of Activision, but BioWare? I thought we were friends! Lastly, BioWare's fanbase is gaming's equivalent to the literari; the intelligentsia of interactive software. And smart people have a nasty habit of making themselves heard in an effective manner.

(Not that BioWare's fan base is flawless. I still get occasional teammates in multiplayer that don't understand that you need to stand in the giant, glowy circle to download our mission-critical data. And the team commander shouting "we need that data, people!" every 15 seconds doesn't seem to tip them off, either.)

I bring this up because the day-one 'From The Ashes' DLC for Mass Effect 3 has stoked the fires again. As per usual, BioWare made it better and/or worse for themselves by defending the practice across the Internet. I typically take the side of game companies on this matter, and cheerlead for BioWare in general, but I'm going against the grain here. From The Ashes should've been part of the core game.

I should note that I have no dog in this fight. I pre-ordered the Collector's Edition well before knowing it would include the Ashes DLC as part of the package, so finding out I'd be getting the Prothean mission and character for 'free' was just a nice perk. What makes this complicated, though, is that Javik (the time-frozen Prothean soldier you rescue in the mission) is fully integrated into the game's core plot. As you might imagine, Javik - a member of the all-powerful race that battled the Reapers in the last cycle and lost - offers a very unique and intriguing perspective on your current struggle with his old foes. His interactions with Liara - a Prothean scholar who, understandably, thinks Javik is the most amazing thing ever - are a priceless combination of wonder, frustration, and contempt. Javik and his buddies knew all of the ME races when they were basically sea monkeys, and he's happy to inform you of that fact. In short, Javik makes a great game even better.

So forget the arguments about money, or used games, or 'milking,' or whatever. The problem here is that a plurality of gamers will play ME3 without the DLC, and miss out on a ton of good content. BioWare is sandbagging the quality of their own product for short-term gains. And the mission to rescue Javik is actually the weakest aspect of the DLC, so if people buy the DLC after they've already played the campaign, they'll have missed so much of what makes From The Ashes compelling. Granted, they could replay the game with the DLC attached, but does everyone out there have another 30 hours to spend? I mean, sure, I do, but what about normal people?

If the DLC was just the rescue mission, then fine, it's inessential stuff and nobody but ME die-hards would miss it. You'd thaw out Javik, he'd give you his particle rifle, and then say "I have to go now. My home planet needs me."

Note: Javik died on the way to his home planet. (I was gonna put a picture of Poochie here, but I did a Simpsons character yesterday. God, I have a small reference pool.)

But having played ME3 with Javik with me the whole time, it's hard to imagine the game without him. It'd be a lesser game, for sure. And that's a problem, not just for fans, but for BioWare. Handicapping your own blockbuster game for an injection of DLC profits? I don't know if that's the move I'd make. Sometimes, fan goodwill and artistic quality are stronger currencies than the gold of frustrated consumers.

I've personally spent about $200 on the Mass Effect series; no small sum. I don't regret a nickel of it, but at some point, even E.A. has to stop turning the screws. You guys are gonna make a mountain of cash on this game. You'll make a smaller mountain on future DLC releases. And then there's the money from multiplayer boosters from players too impatient to win the credits. Maybe you should've let this one go.

Mass Effect 3 is the end of an amazing trilogy; a moment of celebration for fans and E.A. accountants alike. Don't be ants at your own picnic, E.A.

I've touched (hah!) on this topic before, so I won't drag out the introduction. By now, you're undoubtedly familiar with the scenario:

1) Mass Effect 1 features (optional) sex scenes that rate somewhere on the milder end of the Skinemax scale. If you haven't played it (or are unfamiliar with the premium late-night cable softcore my generation grew up on), I dunno, compare them to the sex scenes Angelina Jolie used to do when she was starting to become a SERIOUS ACTRESS but was still willing to get naked. And, incidentally, she still had enough body mass so you'd want to see her naked.

2) A furor springs up on the Internet, and then on to Fox News, about how Mass Effect is some weird alien porn simulation featuring sexual assault on innocent Quarians, or what have you. Yes, Fox News ran with a news story started via a blog that had clearly never even seen the game in question. Yes, Fox News is the number one cable news outlet in the United States. And yes, this tells you a lot about my country, and will tie to the larger point below.

3) BioWare releases Mass Effect 2, which features much tamer love scenes and, incidentally, no same-sex encounters. Not that FemShep/Liara was technically same-sex, since Asari are mono-gendered, but for all intents and purposes, Liara's a chick. (Players would eventually be able to continue their Liara romance via the superb Lair of the Shadowbroker DLC.)

And so we arrive at Mass Effect 3, which BioWare promised to be the sexiest game in the series. (Sexier than the Mako driving in ME1? Fat chance!) The results are dicey at best. Liara's love scene is actually pretty sensual and romantic, and firmly establishes her as the game's premier sidekick. Most of the rest involve apparent sex with some clothes still on. Or a SHOWER with some clothes still on. Call me perverse, but if I'm facing what is likely to be the end of organic life, I'm giving my partner the benefit of taking my socks off. Tali remains the biggest offender, as she keeps her whole outfit - including her farking helmet - on in bed. Honestly, BioWare, you need to throw in a Quarian immune system handwave at that point and give the fans SOMETHING. (Hilariously, Tali's long-awaited face reveal is from a stock photo - most people found it infuriating, but I like to think of it as BioWare needling us rather cheekily.)

After my Shepard's love scene with Ashley, my wife did her best "WTF?" face (one she displays a lot when she joins me for Gaming Time) and said: "dude, that's IT?" The missus had no stake in this thing (I'm pretty sure she thinks Ashley's name is Liara) and even she was disappointed. And why not? She's used to movies of equivalent R-ratings that are more frank and heartfelt about sexuality.

Video games are in a weird spot about this. The people who consider them a kid's hobby are often the same people that demanded ESRB labels that spell out, in no uncertain terms, that many of these games are not for children. I have no problem with the ESRB and think they're a fine compromise, but the agency is proof enough that games, much like film, is an all-ages medium. Yet most developers - even AAA houses like BioWare with sterling reputations - have to walk on eggshells when portraying human sexuality. (Or, you know, human-ish alien sexuality.)

Most of this can probably be traced to the fact that the United States is the primary market for most product, and my country has always had a bizarre relationship with sex. (Japan has their own hang-ups about procreation, but I won't get into it here because it's weird and I don't wanna.) We'll slap innuendo and bare skin into commercials for bathroom cleansers, but actual human sexuality? With the nudity, sweatiness, matted hair, and unfurled emotions therein? Still VERY taboo. The Fox news anchors decrying Mass Effect were probably sporting tiny miniskirts and cleavage you could lose a billiard ball in, but that's the line we've drawn. You can walk right up to that line and wink knowingly, but if you step over it? SCANDAL!!! And we all retreat into our shells because somebody must think of the children!

Not surprisingly, Mass Effect's violent content has raised almost no eyebrows at all. Granted, it can't hold a candle to Grand Theft Auto, but you can still set people on fire, push them out of highrises, and blow their heads into chunky salsa with a sniper round. ME3 in particular is home to a lot of atrocities (not the least of which is granting a paycheck to Freddie Prinze Jr.), and as the player, you can inflict incredibly cruel edicts or acts of trickery on entire species of aliens. But somehow, little Timmy being Mini-Hitler in space is less mind-warping than seeing Ashley Williams' digital rack. I just don't get it. When handled maturely, sex isn't scary - it's beautiful. And if I gotta choose between my daughter walking in on people having sex or people being burned alive by a lunatic with a flamethrower, you can bet I'm picking the former.

This isn't a call for pornography in mainstream gaming. Far from it - pornography, as a rule, has nothing to do with real human sexuality other than the base mechanics. (Unless, of course, you've actually met an 'amateur' girl with breast implants who is willing to have unprotected sex with a total stranger on camera in a bus depot, in which case, I retract that statement.) Some people want straight-up smut games and they're welcome to them, but this isn't about that. This is about games putting on their big boy pants and treating an important aspect of life with the same precision they use for decapitation and grenade physics. And more importantly, it's about us regular folk dealing with this subject matter in a mature and rational manner. It's frustrating to play out a romance in the ME trilogy - with some genuinely great writing and heartfelt character moments - to have it build up to a lame, quasi-sexual snuggle. It's just another reminder that this great hobby is still kid stuff in the eyes of millions.