I just wanted to vent somewhere that I can post but nobody I know actually reads what I post...so forgive me, and feel free to not read. This isn't all about the same person. :D

I'm sick of not living up to my own expectations, and of everybody else failing to meet my expectations too. I know I'm being too demanding of everybody involved and yet I don't really seem to understand how to change my perspective and lessen the desires that drive the crazy. I'm sick of being expected to ask for what I want when you won't ask for what you want. It's a stupid double standard. I hate that when I'm down I get an emoticon, but when somebody else is down, they get a drawing and a stream and a chat and a pat on the back. I hate feeling less just because someone gets more attention. I really really dislike your hypocrisy, that you vented to me every day for a week or two--when we'd just met--even when I was having bad days, and expect me to still be there and be okay with that, and yet you complain when one person does it to you once? Why can't I make real friends? And why am I always dissatisfied? Why does it feel like I am a fantastic friend and a horrible friend all at the same time, and why is the fantastic enough to cover the horrible for you?

Bleh. I wish I knew. I wish I could figure out how to change so I would feel less insecure and could leave you all to your own devices rather than stealing your friends and being a friend who isn't really a friend, after all.

http://community.livejournal.com/soul_society/330097.html

My first post in the Bleach forum was two years ago today!!

Maybe I don't check here every 20 minutes I'm awake anymore, but it's still been a great site, and I've found some fantastic friends here.

Today was spent moping about things I can't change (you know, like people), then realizing that hey, it's really not that bad! I think some chocolate and cuddles with my husband helped me come to that conclusion. ^_^

Many wishes for a wonderful weekend to any who read this!

Shoutout to Madeleine. Happy birthday, love.

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
-Ellen Goodman

I like a quote that makes me go "huh, they're right..." or at least makes me stop and think for a minute. Our consumerism fuels itself. Want want want want want want want... I mean, there are definitely needs in there that we must find ways to meet, but the very core needs most of us have--food, water, shelter, love--don't demand the excess the majority of our society enjoys.

Also, after researching to see if the above quote was accurate, I found this one by the same columnist:

We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck... But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.
-Ellen Goodman

I remember learning somewhere pure love is gratitude. That's stayed with me, and when I'm feeling obstinate about someone or something, if I get myself to start thinking about what I'm grateful for in regards to that person or thing, I almost always feel my heart soften. Truly, I have a lot to be grateful for. Most Americans do.

So, as a random bonus, here are a few things I'm grateful for today:

• My husband ♥
• Air conditioning
• Trying out new restaurants
• Computers
• INTERNET! (I have friends if I have the internet!)
• Truffle's (my dog's) muffled sleep barking
• Finding new songs or artists to enjoy
• Chocolate
• Good lotion
• Learning new things
• Friends like Leon texting me weird pictures or things that make me laugh
• People that plant too many squash/tomato/cucumber plants and want to give away the deliciousness
• My family
• Mazda3s...and driving them...
• Getting to talk to my friend SaccharineWrath; she has this way of making me feel useful, important, and loved
• My new mascara, it's awesome

So, what are you grateful for today?

Summer's almost over, I can't believe it! Last year I practically lived on tv.com--I've found some really good friends on here, enjoyed a lot of the blogs and the Bleach forum, and even used their messaging system to all get-out. This year's been a bit different...I dunno, I guess I just got bored with the forums, and blogs are either too frequent or too infrequent. Such is life, right? It's never exactly as I've pictured it in my head. So, if you even noticed I was gone or not commenting on your blogs, I'm sorry.

I've enjoyed these warmer months, kicking it off with a trip to California then cruise with my husband's family. Spending time with the fam (especially a non-stressed husband XD) was fabuloso, my brother came home from Russia after two years abroad, I got to hang out with two of my favorite people for a few days, I met a "clone" of myself online...she's totallyaninja's friend and a total sweetheart...oh, and there're all those family reunions and parties that fill a summer. Still to come, floating down a river in a tube, buying a new car (hopefully a Mazda3!! I inexplicably LOVE them), a picnic or three, and hopefully a few more hikes. Then, I get to go to Arkansas to visit my best friend, Willa, for our birthdays, which are only a day apart. ^_^ I'm excited.

So anyway, what have you guys been doing all summer?

Yup! I totally did. 'Twas awesome--there were muppets, spaceships, and Thai food involved, too.

SsriTelQuessir's great, folks. Funny, friendly, kind, and not smelly at all (like he'd have you believe)! My husband and I were in his home town for a day, so we met up with ST'Q after he was done with work, went to a sci-fi museum, and out to lunch to a sweet little Thai place. ^_^

I'd post pictures, but for some reason I haven't posted any pictures of me here on tv.com, so I guess I'll continue that streak.

Have you ever met anyone in real life that you've only met online previously? How was it?

I think I'm in love with my dentist.

No...I'm not going to leave my husband and join the circus only to return to town and try to propose to my dentist while he's performing a root canal on one of my molars.

It's not that kind of love.

The love I have for my dentist is based on his excellent care of my teeth with his weird water pic method of cleaning (also, he flosses my teeth! Shouldn't I be doing that?), and that he often compliments my teeth. "You have good teeth," he says. I blush. I do have good teeth! Thanks for noticing, Dentist Man! (And thank you for the teeth, Mom and Dad!) "No cavities," he says. "Nice work." I smile. See what I mean about the compliments? He knows how to make a person feel good about her mouth.

Also, he has a superb memory...it almost seems like he and his assistants keep notes on my husband and me somewhere with our dental records. Do they? I might have to write them an anonymous letter or do some sleuthing while they're out to lunch, because it's uncanny how well they remember minute details about us. He and his assistants always ask follow-up questions to conversations we've had 6 months ago at our previous appointment! How do they do that? I really want to know. Is it because we have extremely odd tastes and stick out that much? I don't really think we're *that* odd, but maybe we are. I dunno.

Aubrey, his main assistant, is always asking about our family and jobs and interests, and this last appointment she wasn't the one helping me--but she did tell the girl who was assisting "I like (my name here), she's cute," after just seeing my face through the door. How does she remember every patient's name?! Seriously. We've only been going to our dentist's office for the past 2 years, so we've only seen these people 3 or 4 times.

Even though our dentist and his assistants are extremely chatty and sociable, they're also happy to hand over a remote and let you watch tv while they take care of your routine oral hygiene needs. I've watched Pokemon and the Food Network while having a cavity filled. (Sidenote: The Food Network might not be the best thing to watch when you can't eat for a few hours, but it's definitely on my list of favorite channels I don't have at home...so...it gets watched.)

So anyway, back to talk of dentistry...if anybody's in or around the area where I live and wants a great dental experience, go to my dentist! He's awesome!

(Disclaimer: I was not payed [much] to write nice things about my dentist.)

According to LeonMorado, beans are underappreciated in this country. Is that really true? I love beans of all shapes and sizes. Maybe it's just because I'm a vegetarian and rely on them for most of my protein intake, but I eat beans all the time and in all sorts of different ways, and I think they rock.

Hummus, black bean soup, burritos, green bean casserole...all of these things would be impossible without the little devils. Plus, "bean" is a fun name to call people you like. Try it. "Hey, you cute bean-bug-girlie..." (that's what my mom calls me, but it's still fun to say to anybody else.)

Sure, they're not the snazziest food. They cause gas, after all. And they're really inexpensive (which is a huge bonus, but fancypants might find that distasteful. *nose in air* "Oh, I don't eat anything that's less than $50 a can.") But, c'mon! They're tasty, nutritious, filling, and they're really cute when you sit down and look at them. Look at garbanzo beans! There's a reason they're also called chickpeas. Chickpeas really do look like chicks! It's adorable!

Anyway, what's your opinion on beans?

Off and on my whole marriage, my husband Cody and I have talked about where we'd ideally like to live. I consistently say Utah, where we've lived the whole time, because it's close to family and friends and I like the familiar. He loves being close to family and friends, too, but he absolutely hates winter, so he'll bring up Hawaii every week or so...or maybe Arizona if it's *really* cold. California's too smoggy for him, and Vegas...Vegas is a slimy city I don't like being close to for fear of contracting anything from sitting in a booth at a restaurant. The South is too far South, and out of the country is just too much work.

Lately, Cody's been saying he'd like to buy a trailer so we can pay it off in 3 years or less and then just save up for retirement or take it easy. At first, I was gung-ho. I thought maybe we could buy an RV and a plot of land with hookups, travel around the country and visit family or new places, and just be weird traveling nomads who lived out of suitcases and smelled like cheese.

I've been feeling a little vulnerable lately, so now I'm not so sure about the whole RV plan. I want stability and normalcy, and a place to hide when the world is too scary to deal with. But then again, I know this won't last and I'll be game to try out something new as soon as my apprehension and vulnerability settles. Where would I really like to live? Oh, I'd love Hawaii! But I've said before that I think I could be happy anywhere as long as Cody's there (but it wouldn't hurt to have a high-speed internet connection, too ;)), and I think that's still true. There are places I'd rather not live if I have the choice, but if I have my Cody and a safe place to hide my head, I think I'm game to try out wherever he throws at me.

What about you, do you like where you live? Where would you live (even to just try out for a year or so) if given the chance?

It's been foggy in Utah the past few days. Magical mist filling the air... Yeah, I know some of you experience fog on a regular basis and it's nothing special, but here in Utah? We don't get much. I think I can count on one hand the other times we've had fog that wasn't just inversion ickiness, and I do love the ethereal look of buildings shrouded in earth-skimming clouds of mist.

Anyway, it's fun that there's fog outside, but there's also fog in my brain. Dense fog. Like...you should probably get out a spotlight and tread carefully if you want to wander in to take a peek, possibly give yourself a lead line and wear a helmet...there's rocky marbles in there, after all. Not all of the marbles, just the ones that're left after I sent some of them to the cleaners last week.

So, I'm conducting an experiment of sorts. When the fog lets up outside, will my brain clear up too? Will I even notice if the fog clears up if my brain fog is still here? We'll just have to wait and see...

Anyway...fog! I like it. The three feet of snow we had piled up outside is now down to bare grass in patches but otherwise it's still about a foot thick, and the parking lot is still icy. Why go ice skating when you can just walk to your car? Winter has its perks, after all. Snuggling under fuzzy blankets, seeing your breath outside (so you can have mini fog!), hearty warm food... what's your favorite part of winter? Is there something you wish happened more or less in your climate?