Chances are you've seen this on some forum, but it's been in British slang, so the jokes are misconstrued in some places. I however, have taken the opportunity of "translating" it into American for everyone to make it twice as funny!!!
How To Be Certified Insane Before You Leave School
1. Have a strange nickname. "Screaming Ferret," etc.
2. Insist that the invisible squirrels and the trees are conspiring to take over the world.
3. Come up with emergency plans to stop them.
4. Write in hieroglyphs (it drives teachers nuts).
5. Get 2 giant cardboard tubes from the art department and have a HUGE light saber fight with your best friend in the hallway.
6. Give a public speech in the school hall. Great fun. Persuade people to join the Dark Side, or warn them of invasion by an army of invisible squirrels.
7. In a test, pick a long song, e.g. Bohemian Rhapsody or American Pie. Write the complete lyrics on the paper instead of answers.
8. Re-write your national anthem and sing it all the time.
9. Whenever anyone eats sausages in the canteen, scream 'bite the sausage!' at the top of your lungs and grin like Hannibal Lector.
10. Pick a movie character or one from a book. (Dracula, Hannibal Lector and Darth Vader are good). BE that character all day. Talk like him/her and answer only to that name.
11. Sit at the back of the class and wear vampire fangs. Smile every time the teacher looks at you.
12. When the dreaded Guidance Counselor asks you what you plan to do when you leave school, smile psychotically and tell them you're going to be a homicidal maniac.
13. Bang your head against the wall and mutter 'out of cheese error, reboot, reboot from start' when class gets too quiet.
14. Periodically break into song. My favourite is 'Sweet Transvestite' from the Rocky Horror Show.
15. At lunchtime, don't be afraid to put ketchup on EVERYTHING.
16. Leave the classroom every time you need to fart.
17. Refuse point-blank to use the school toilets because they are disgusting. Hang on or go home instead.
18. Laugh evilly every time someone says 'okey dokey'.
19. Talk endlessly about your hero.
20. Torment your most boooring teacher. Invent a salute which you use whenever you see him or her, write a song and wear fan badges. They'll start avoiding you pretty quickly.
21. Insist on using pennies in the vending machine. The line behind you will get longer and longer as you feed small change in to get $1.50 for a coke.
22. Snort Pixie Sticks in class. Pretty, pretty dust!
23. Kidnap your teacher’s desk accesories and hold them to ransom for as long as necessary to get a perfect report.
24. Get the whole class to do 'Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes' complete with hand movements.
25. Waste time in French by trying to persuade your teacher to translate 'I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti' into French for you.
26. Also in French lessons it is quite amusing to shout out 'coulet un poulet'. It rhymes, see? And makes no sense whatsoever. What more reason do you want for doing something?
27. Give your pencils names. When they die falling off a table, hold a service for them. Then go outside and cremate them. I recommend a lighter. Matches do not work.
28. Hold extended conversations out loud with the personalities in your head.
29. Never forget to take your invisible pets to school with you.
30. Write a sign saying 'Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes' and leave it on your desk. Now you can go to sleep.
31. Practice sword-stabbing with a ruler in class.
32. Ask your teacher if you can go to the school nurse. When they ask why, say you are feeling slightly homicidal.
33. Make sure your exercise books have a common theme. (ie dragons, etc.)
34. Give your pencil case a name. Spend ages writing on it, but don't let it get confiscated as a hazard. Sample of Pencil Case Quotes:
"Dreams of Darth Vader are obviously signs of a repressed desire to own a leather clad Sith Lord with a large and deadly weapon."
"PUT...THE...BUNNY...BACK...IN...THE...BOX."
35. Never pass up the opportunity to publicly attack your sadistic PE teacher with silly-string.
36. Invent new and interesting ways to answer your phone. For example: 'You have reached the Death Star. This is Darth Vader’s office, the Dark Lord is out at the moment. May I take a message?' ALWAYS results in a baffled silence at the other end. Especially if its the bank.
37. Play lovely, lovely music on the door handles!
38. Collect keychains and have ALL of them on your bag.
39. Wear a badge saying Homo Sapiens: The Other White Meat.'
40. Discuss the obvious benefits of cannibalism in class.
41. Pretend to eat the dissection project in biology.
42. Hold a séance in Science to talk to Newton.
43. Draw dragons on everything.
44. Quote from movies all the time. "Do you wanna DIE today?"
45. Play Candid Camera at school.
46. Howl like a werewolf during history class.
47. Speak in Jabberwockian all day. "Twas brillig and the slithey toves..."
48. Spend boring lessons writing a celebrity hit-list with your friends.
49. Be known as THE expert on gore and bloodshed at your school. People know where to come when they want the details on Turkish torture, or on how exactly to gut someone.
50. Keep a pencil sharp in case you need to kill someone.
51. Scream every time someone says 'custard'.
52. Japanese at random moments. BAKA DEMO AHO DEMO KAMAWANAI!
53. Or, if the teacher gets you mad..."Ai to seigi no, Sera Fuku Bishoujo Senshi, Sera Muun! Tsukini kawatte, oshiokyo!"
54. Call the teacher that seems to hate you, either Professor Snape, Lord Sauron, or the name of the villain in your favorite anime series. Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and You-Know-Who should work, too.
55. Sit very quietly, normal-like, doing your work like everyone else. Suddenly, start laughing like a maniac, push over your desk, and run out of the room, laughing louder. Do. Not. Come. Back.
56. Whenever anyone says 'cheese' say 'Would you like some cheese?'
57. Refer to your most scary female teacher as 'Creepy Lady'.
58. Give all your friends REALLY weird nicknames.
59. Get photos of teachers. Make Wanted posters of teachers. Stick Wanted posters all over the school.
60.Call over a teacher in the middle of an exam, point to a question, ask for the answer. Keep at it. See if you can get it out of him/her.
61. Yell random words at intervals throughout the day. 'Avocado' is good.
62. Every Thursday, speak in a mixture of every language you know EXCEPT English.
63. Even better make up your OWN language.
64. Stick these lists of weird stuff to do at school up on the walls.
65. Talk in third person all the time.
66. During breaks, sit down with your friends and role-play randomly and very loudly.
67. If you find yourself in a classroom on your own, turn all the display work upside-down.
68. If any question is asked in class, say 'I cannot answer that question due to my religious beliefs.' If asked what your religion is, say ''I cannot answer that question due to my religious beliefs.'
69. Write intricate plans for world domination. Leave them lying around for all to see.
70. When the announcements on the loudspeakers come on, shout "Is that heaven? Can I have some money?"
71. When someone says tomato, correct them with, "It's Toe-mah-toe!"
72. Whenever you forget your lunch, gnaw on your pencils and start muttering "Shish-kabob gooooooooood."
73. Tie your shoelaces to a table leg, and when the bell rings shout, "The rabid chipmunks got me!"
74. Get several plastic forks and knives at lunch, and then proceed to not use them.
75. Make fun of someone's (preferably a teacher's) clothing. Then come in the next day wearing exactly the same thing.
76. Erase the chalkboards and write something, such as a TV theme song, your life story, or another song with many profanities, on it. Possibly in another language.
77. Stand up on your desk and dance.
78. Proclaim your love to someone who hates you, preferably someone you hate, too. Stalk them in creative ways, such as following them in a locker costume.
79. Spend a lot of time in the bathroom. When you come back, explain to everyone how good the toilet water tastes.
80. Order pizza during class.
81. Bring a cell phone to school and chat loudly with your friends... even if no one's on the other end.
82. During a fire drill, scream and run out of the room as quickly as possible. During a lockdown drill, have an in-depth conversation with your feet.
83. Raise your hand but, when the teacher calls on you, either stay silent, ask an unrelated question, give an answer that has nothing to do with the subject, sing the answer, or proceed to dance.
84. Whenever you get something wrong, to a victory dance and shout, "GO ME!"
85. Pout when you are acknowledged for good effort or work.
86. Stop in the halls randomly and being the Macarena, the Chicken Dance, or the YMCA, singing the lyrics at the top of your lungs.
87. Do charades when called upon.
88. Be a mime for a day.
89. Raise your hand and, when called upon, announce that your diaper needs changing.
90. Snuggle everyone, especially arch enemies, strangers, and teachers.
91. Go to a dance cross-dressing.
92. Bring in a fake sword and challenge everyone to a duel.
93. Go into your school's kitchen. Then burst out, yelling that today's special is made of people.
94. Flirt with the oldest teacher you can find.
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