I feel terrible. Absolutely terrible. My behavior lately has been unacceptable. I am sorry, nii-san.

I will do my best to stop it. But you need to help by pointing it out.

I don't want this to break us down. We've already discovered that it might. I can't go through that again.

I am attempting to get on with my life. But I think I'm stuck. How can you even attempt to stand up again when you're not sure where to place your feet.

Will you help me?

In her hands sat a heart.

A heart that beat like a clock.

Tick tock tick tock.

Like clockwork, this heart fell apart.

The seems stripped and ripped.

So with paitience, and a spool full of tears,

She sewn it back together again.

Tick tock tick tock

Broken again.

Frustrated, she picked up a new spool of thread.

This one red.

Red broken tears.

With her own tears of determination,

A brilliant white,

she began once again.

And once she was done,

tick tock tick tock tic-

Chime.

On this night where black cats stalk fearlessly and witches commune with the Mother, I give my thanks.

My thanks to my family and my friends.

My precious belongings, which I treasure.

The roof above my head and the food in my cabinets.

How grateful am I to Mother taking care of us ;)

Anyway, this year I was Jill Valentine from RE3...ish. Instead of a mini-skirt, I wore my black skinny jeans and instead of a blue corset thing I wore an old music t-shirt of the same shade. I had the boots right, and the weapons though ;)

Be safe and get candy-wasted :D

Suspended on silver wings

Is my fate in the wind

The light I desperately seek

I have hidden myself

The clarity I'm gaining

The insight I've found

Forever grateful for both am I.

1000 apologies to my brother and sister

You both have been so good to me

Yet I've taken advantage

My issues have amplified from June

The past few months have not been easy

But the blame lies in me.

Yes, my siblings, I should allow you a little

- Very little, microscopic -

Part of the blame.

But I won't.

Because I'm me.

So lets fix me.

Let's heal me.

Put up with me a little longer?

Humor my worries and strike down my paranoia?

Please?

Now I'm fading, into someone else, maybe someone I don't wanna be, yeah I'm fading into what you want and I'm not taking it to well

^ Not exactly the most accurate of lyrics. Honestly, they hit a few good points, but I'm not becoming what anyone wants me to be. And thats the part I'm not taking to well.

I know who I am. I am Kida-Asumi Uchiha Hikari. Its the root of who I am and will always be.

Yet I'm trapped. I'm caged. My mind tells me to beware the people that I care about because they don't really care about me. Thats probably not true, but who knows. Anything is possible.

I'm lonely. So very, very lonely. I feel myself becoming isolated and it terrifies me. I don't like it. Everyone makes me feel like I am missing the bigger picture when I'm not. If I say we never talked about it, we never talked about it.

I don't know why Sunday's are so hard. It could be work. Some stuff has been happening, some good, some bad, and some downright interesting.

I want to be happy and nonchallant. Maybe next year will bring positive changes. I certainly need them. I can't take this crying bullsh*t for much longer.

I think I've finally learned to become numb again, thank god. Emotions are annoying.

Not really sure what else to say. My distraction appeared so I'm going to wallowing in it while doing hw and then go to bed.

Things were suppose to be so easy.

I was suppose to college, get a degree, settle down, and have babies. Raise those babies, support them.

Now I'm changing majors and my sexuality has changed.

I feel lost, I feel confused, I'm very sick, and I'm soooo tired.

Work tomorrow will be interesting.

I'm glad he's gone, honestly. So he couldn't just up and disappear as I breakdown. So I can keep my promise to keep things light.

Light for the light.

I want to be happy. I get happy, and then it gets ruined. Why can't I stay happy? Whats wrong with me?

I need health insurance. Like now. So I need to do it.

I'm so sick. So very sick. I hurt and I vomit and I can't seem to pinpoint a cause.

I want so many things. I so selfish. I want a lover, I want a baby, I want school to just be done, I want a rich lover so I can be lazy, I want to be geographically closer to my nii-san, I just want!

I can't do this anymore. Its too much.

A lake. A magical, enchanted lake. As she ran to him, his arms opening wide to protect her from the world.

And then the waves crashed upon them.

He reached for her, she reached for him. They clung to each other, holding on for dear life. He looked up, she passed out, the stars went out above them.

He swam, not sure if he could save them.

Would they fade away?

Isolation.

Anxiety.

Hopelessness.

I try to be strong. I really, really do. I do not mean to be theatrical. I understand that that is how I lose people. I just wish that when i do break, people quit making me feel bad about it. I work in a terrible enviornment when my night and day manager are gone. A select few have made it terrible. There is a server who freaks out over the little things. He reacts violently and will glare and say 'seat me again and I'll kill you'. There are two kitchen preps who have an 'im better than you so do my bidding or else i'll blame you for me not working' attitude. Our servers in general are getting terrible attitudes. After getting b itched out 3 times in a row, I think its fair to say that I was allowed to break down, right? I mean, I've been putting up with this for months.

So Mama told our GM. He told me to suck it up and get back to work. That I shouldn't let them get to me.

Excuse me? After I get done telling you that I have been putting up with this mental abuse bs at this place for months, all you can say is, get thicker skin? What kind of douche are you?

I was inufuriated and humiliated.

Then, to top it all off, the threatening server had the audacity to wave it off as a joke. 'Oh honey, I was just joking'. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't take threats on my life from violent people as funny or as a joke.

And to top it all off, after that horrendous night, something very...new happened. A new situation that has never happened before. It has me a little worried because after playing an annoying bout of phone tag, all contact is gone. I'm not sure whether to be pissed or terrified.

See, the last time something like this happened, I was utterly abandoned.

I understand that I am probably freaking out over nothing. I will openly admit that. But I am also slipping into a mental state where I'm not sure where reality is.

Am I desperate for contact? Hell yes I am! I don't care what goes on, as long as it goes.

I'm pis sed, I'm hysterical, I hurt and ache, my body is freezing as my fever breaks. Tonight is really not a good night.

While my mind and heart are not in the best of places tonight, I feel the need to blog-vent, and refuse to do it on this special occasion - my 50th blog post. I had no idea I had so much to say.

First, I would like to thank my wonderful nii-san, who 21 years ago today graced us with his wonderful existence. Thank you so much for not only supporting me, but also putting up with me. You're def my best male friend, and I couldn't ask for a better one. I'm so proud of you, and hope to be half the person you are someday.

Next, my Emilia. I adore her as well. For all the times you've held me as I've cried and banished my irrational thoughts, you are my physical rock. Nii-san is my emotional. Even now, you're attempting to hold me together. Thank you so much forever thing you've done for me.

Oh waterworks :P

So he's a list of 50 things that really have nothing to do with one another:

- The number of chapters in Confessions Book 1 - Keeping Together

- The number of manga volumes I bought in one day as Borders shut its doors for good(gotta love those 90% off clearence sales ;))

- The number of children my personas have + my now 9 personas

- The number of video games I own(thanks RE6).

- The number of times I have cried in the last three months

- The number of times I cried that last week of June

- The number of people that I have known since they were born

- The number of times the Universe has reminded me that I'm right

- The number of times I've dreamt of my husband

- 2080 - our fiftieth wedding anniversary

- The number of times Emilia says the word stupid on a weekly basis in reference to something we keep strictly between us

- The number of times I've prayed to the universe desperately in the last three months

- The number of times I've been alone on KHE in the the majority of July and August

- The percentage of the things I think he actually fully grasps about my thoughts and opinions when it comes to certain things

- The number of movies I own

This is is tough, so I'll stop :P

Happy 50th, blog! - your owner

Sitting in her favorite spot, the girl watched nature happen. As always, this was her time of reflection. Watching the various breeds of insects crawling through the grass, she sighed softly.

In the house behind her, her parents were watching the evening news.

Neither realized what was happening outside.

Standing up, the girl walked to her favorite tree. She sat down at the base and looked up at the sky. When a shimmer caught her eye, a sad smile was brought to her face.

"Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight..."

"...wish I may, wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight."He murmured, standing in the attic of the abandoned barn he had found. At his feet lay dozens of cards from dozens of decks. Behind him slept his wife, her chest rising and falling peacefully.

Blissfully unaware of her husband climbing out the window.

Slowly, the girl stood once again and made her way down to the lake.

Landly softly on the ground, he made his way down to the lake.

She paused, taking one last look around her. This was her home, the place she loved with the people she loved.

Yet this place did not return her feelings. Suddenly, the world changed. Nature's gentle creatures turned vicious, their buzzing coming across as menacing. Inside, her parents were screaming at one another, drunk and unaware that their child was gone. Honestly, they wouldn't have cared.

Standing at the edge of the lake, the moon above reflecting back from the water, giving light to this world. It was his honeymoon. A gift from his mother, who was so eager to welcome his perfect wife into the family. His father had stood at his side the day they wed, his ruby eyes shinning with pride.

Everyone loved him here. The place, the people. Yet he did not return their feelings.

He wanted out.

She came to her solution weeks ago. She had been hiding under her bed, playing solitaire, when the answer came to her.

In the form of a red string.

He had been filling out his marriage certificate when the answer came to him. His wife, ever devoted, was pleasuring him beneath the desk. The answer had came to him in the form of a red string.

It had been hanging from her mattress. Annoyed by its existence, she tugged at it. When she did, a tiny picture, the size of a quarter, dropped with it. With her eyes squinted, she looked in to it.

His OCD kicking in, he swept it off the desk, only to have his marriage certificate go with it. As his wife took the movement as a good sign, his attention was on a tiny picture, the size of his royal seal, sitting where the paper had been.

She picked it up, curiousity getting the better of her. It was of a man, his blue hair and dark blue eyes standing out, even in the limited size of the photo. He was holding a little girl, who was the spitting image of him. The most appealing thing about the man was the content smile on his face. Almost against her will, her mouth turned up in a huge grin.

"Satoshi..." She murmured.

It was the picture of a woman. She looked very young. In her arms was a little girl, the spitting image of her. She also appeared to be five months pregnant. As he took in her dark hair and black eyes, her maternal smile, Satoshi let himself go.

"Kida..." He whispered. His wife did not catch the new name. As she climbed out from under the desk, he quickly hid the photo away.

For a week she did nothing but look at the photo. As the week came to a close, she noticed something very peculilar about the picture. The man and girl were seated in front of a very familiar lake.

As he let his mother and wife plan their honeymoon, he obessed over the photo. As the plane was touching down, he noticed something odd about the photo. The woman and little girl were seated in front of the lake that lay before him.

She wasn't sure when the idea came to her. All she knew was that the lake was the key. She wasn't even sure if it would work. Or what it would mean for it to work. Her gut told her to just step into the lake, and so she would.

He was sure he was insane. Howelse could he explain it? As an extra security measure, he decided to try this on the night of the full moon. If he was stupid and crazy, maybe his grandfather would save his sorry ass.

Taking a deep breath, she stepped into the lake. The ends of her red dress quickly became soaked as she stopped just a foot deep.

Trudging on in, he stepped into the lake. His white pants quickly became soaked as he stopped about a foot in.

A blinding light burst from the lake. The shrill cry of an unknown being was earshattering. The water swirled up menacingly.

"AH!" She screamed, covering her ears. His eyes snapped towards the sound. Quickly, he raced to her, pulling her into his arms. She clung to him, burying her face in his chest.

They weren't sure what would happen to them. They weren't even sure who they were. But both knew that as long as they stuck together, everything would be ok.

So last night, for one reason or another, I just kinda broke down. I over-reacted and said somethings I deeply regret. I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it. I feel better now and am quite stable. I cannot let last night happen again. If it becomes a habit, bad things will happen.