They surround me and confuse me. I am constantly lost now it seems. So much has happened in the last week. I will not elaborate because the people I am writing this to will understand.

Mentally, I am exhausted. I'm tired, its affecting my health, and I'm going to have too much time to think this weekend.

I've never really had a problem like this before. I've know for a very long time what my acceptances for myself and the community are. And now I'm having to own up.

Its terrifying. Its thrilling. And I feel utterly alone when what I expected was support.

I'm not sure if its a me thing, because it very well might be. I mean, I was told that I had support. Yet at this moment in time I feel like its closed off to me. I thought that it would be a steady thing. I knew my limits with it.

With my lack of detail, it makes it difficult to describe what happened tonight. I was happy and content and more importnantly rational and ready to talk about my issues. Or at least some thoughts on them.

And then instead of being asked the question I was earlier, instead I was asked something that I hadn't even thought of. And when I expressed my distress, I was brushed off and pushed aside. And two seconds later, the conversation was over and I was alone with my own personal hell once more.

I never expected this to be easy. Last night took me off my guard and showed me that everything would be ok. And now I feel as if I made a mistake letting it down.

I can't go through this alone. Is this why people kill themselves? No, I'm not suicidal. I'm just wondering.

But as I said, I never expected this to be easy. I expected it to be slow and painful and disappointing. With all that has happened, I never for one minute expected around the clock support or constant feelings of empathy.

History really is the best prophecy for the future.

I really do not want to have to go back to this website for emotional support. Its lonely and isolated. I'd rather use it as a medium.

So here's some steps on how to deal with me:

If you're busy, then just say so. Just assure me you'll be back with me as soon as you can(even if its not true, it still sounds nice; I'll take a nice tale over a crappy lie anyday).

If you don't feel like dealing with me, lie and say you're busy.

Tell me that everything is going to be ok. Thats what I need. Not that I'll get through this or that you don't know. Just tell me everything will be ok.

If I get hysterical, then just tell me to calm down. Stop and think. It worked the other night, didn't it.

I have no control over where my mind goes. Please, please don't tell me what to do when it comes to this. Make suggestions, encourage, but do not tell me what needs to happen. at least not yet. I've only had this problem since what, the night before last night? Cut me some slack.

IfI snap, don't snap back with frustration. Just tell me to stop for a second and breath. You have to be the strong one in this, the patient one.

If I start messing with your emotions, tell me that too. It could be beneficial and we could work things out together more accurately than ever before. But do not close yourself off from me. I will know and it will make me hysterical quickly. Like tonight.

I do not hold all the answers. So I don't expect you to. I don't need you doing the psychoanalysis stuff I do on you, done on me. If you want to, sure, go for it. But I don't expect it of you. You'll get me through this just fine with assurances that you're here and that I'll be ok.

I don't expect you to be around all the time. I just expect the half-schedule we've kinda established. So if I get emotional or moody because you were gone, don't get upset and leave, please. Bear with me. I promise this me won't last forever.

My intress in this movie died with my tears, so I'll have to watch it again when I wake up.

If you can't handle me, tell me that too. Or set up limits with me so I can know how much of me to hide or give away.

I don't enjoy this lack of control. Its terrifying. I just want to know who I am again. The entire foundation of my being is being shifted. Can't I get a little emotional?

Last night was more than I could have ever hoped for. Tonight was a nightmare. If we could find a median between the two, that would be great. I don't want to rain on your parade, but its best to tell you this now and get it over with than to wait a bit later and you think I'm just trying to stir up stuff.

And if you need me for your emotional support, I can assure you that it will not affect my problems. In my mind, I have a separate component just for you and when you need me, everything kinda gets tuned out and that part takes over. So don't hesitate to tell me.

As I write this, I cried for the good portion of it. And she sat here and didn't so much as ask what was wrong. So lets not bring her in on this for a long time, ok? Please.

I'm sorry if I was too much tonight. I didn't mean to be. And I'm sorry if this blog annoys you or makes you mad. I didn't mean for that to happen either. I just wanted to set some of these guidelines down for you tonight, and you blew me off before I got the chance.

I try so hard sometimes, you know? I do my best to be happy, to make others happy. But sometimes, despite my best efforts, they fail.

I want my husband. I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. I would give anything to have him here beside me.

I'm not sure what happened. Work had gone great and even managed to calm me down some from the anxiety attack I had been having all day. And then I came home, and was still in my good mood.

And now I can't stop crying. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why, but I just can't stop. I feel like a part of me is in great distress and I just want it to stop! For someone to tell me that its all going to be ok. But no one will because I'm surrouned by selfish people who claim to care about me but when I tell them what I need, they ignore it. I love them all and I would do anything for them. Even though they use me. I won't stop them because if they have to use someone, it might as well be me. I really am that pathetically in need of them.

So many things have been going great. And then suddenly it all has been ripped apart because I notice the flaws. I'm hormonal and unbelieveably lonely. I can't deal with this anymore. In fact, suicide sounds like a pretty awesome thing right about now.

Except it doesn't. Because I have to birth the next generation.

I have no idea where I'm going with this. All I know is that there are only two people, my husband not included, who can make me feel better and both are ignoring me. I have no idea what I did. And I can't complain because both will accuse me of being theatrical or selfish or hormonal and they will encourage me to sleep.

And yet I know thats just the selfish part of my brain speaking.

I love my family very much. I also worry about them a great deal. My sister has to attend school with the two who*es who threatended me for nearly a month and my brother is in and out of suicide-mode every other day. I don't want them to think that this hinders me in anyway. I'm not complaining. I'm just explaining.

Both worry about ending up alone. Why can't they see that they will be fine in the long run. Its me that will end up alone.

Like I always am.

To my brother and sister, I'm sorry if I offended you. I'm not sure what I did, but I am utterly sorry about it.

To everyone else, I'm sorry too. You have to read this emotional shi*t.

I just want everything to work out. I just want tomorrow to make up for the shi*tty today. I just want my siblings to contact me.

And I just want my husband.

Its so hard to keep it together all the time. I feel myself crack at many times during the day. Recently I rediscovered when I adore 1000 Words from FFX-2.

Yet I'm not even allowed to acknowledge it out loud. Dam it I hate this! Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't anything go smoothly for once,

Until I hear back from them, I'll attempt to keep it together. Hopefully this blog means that I won't unload everything onto my brother. He wouldn't handle that very well and might even avoid me. I would be devastated.

No nii-san, you're not to blame. This is all me. Please just let it be all me. I don't have the strength to calm myself, let alone keep you together too. So I'll keep this locked up once again after this blog. I'm not sure if you'll read it or comment about it. Part of me wants you to, part of me doesn't.

Its times like these I wish I had nii-san's ability to write beautiful poetry. He can blog about his emotions and thoughts and dreams so beautifully because of it.

All I have is a gross mess of everything.

I can only take so much. I can only be walked all over so many times. I'm tired of people blaming me for all of their problems, I'm tired of things randomly being shoved at me and people expecting me to just go along with it, and I will not tolerate people being **** with me because their lives are less than perfect.

Enough is enough eventually, right?

I hate this stupid bridge thing school has me doing. Honestly, its holding me back. I want my last two weeks of summer to be mine. Thankfully, tonight nii-san and I can play later than normal. That will help me relax and will allow me to take off my masks of the day.

Because the poor dears are beginning to crack

Thats about my mood. I mean, its kinda grateful for the powers that be too. This summer has overall sucked, I think its safe to say. From drama to work to the amplification of my issues...yeah. Not a good summer.

But today I went to freshmen orientation at my old hs(support for my clubs and my sisters). It was interesting to see. It also kinda saddened me to know that I'm never going attend classes there again.

Then I met with my other new mommy and she convinced me to drop a class because the options sucked. So now I'm not sure whether I should just pick up another or wait for next semester. So many decisions...

More apartment drama of course. I really don't want to talk about it. I only have it in me to tell one more person so I'll tell nii-san.

I'm so over drama. It gets too complicated and its getting overwhelming. Plus I keep getting dragged into it. Why can't people just leave me alone?

I feel like I should type more but I honestly don't think I can.

That should be a mood. I honestly have no idea where to begin.

So I'll start with the easy. We lost one apartment but gained another. The entire ordeal was stressful and hellish and has me not eating again. We're also getting another roommate.

We almost lost BB. I'm getting very terrified for his safety in this house. The man in it is abusive to animals because they do not 'obey' him and Miz and I are the only ones who actually look out for his well-being.

I might PM my nii-san about it, even though he won't reply for awhile. I'm just worried he won't respond(after the time frame that he shall return to the internet has passed) because I think I might have offended him.

Which sucks. A lot. I didn't mean to. I was just trying to be supportive, but my supportive also comes off as maternal and he admitted that my maternal annoys him.

And I have no idea how to make that stop.

I'm also having irrational thoughts that he's going to make me stay on this website forever. I honestly couldn't take that. I can't really rely on this site to do what it needs to do, but if its the only thing that he wants to communicate via, then I guess I'll just have to deal, right? Sigh.

This website is so lonely though.

And to top it all off, today I was trying to get somewhere in FFX and then suddenly I died. I was sorely tempted to just crawl into a hole and not come out again. FML.

But I don't want to be negative. I want to be the optimistic one for once. And nii-san's thoughts aren't affecting mine like mine have done to his, so this means I can be the strong one too.

I'm not sure where this blog is going. I'm kinda bummed nii-san didnt say goodbye before he left, but there's not much I can do about that. And it doesn't really matter as long as he returns to play.

Its hard to be supportive when I don't know what he needs >.>

I probably won't blog again until he returns. I don't trust my thoughts too much.

On a side note, I'm moving out around the end of august so that will be exciting. My baby will be safe and finally meet his older brother and I'll be free from my terrible mom.

Morning everyone. I felt like blogging this morning so I shall. Last night was pretty cool. I bought concert tickets to Distant World's, which is a Final Fantasy composition thing. Its the 25th of August. I am also attending Matsuricon, which will be neat.

I rearranged my college schedule so now I only have classes on Mon-Thurs, which is super awesome! Gaming/fanfiction weekends :D

At some point nii-san is going off on a vacation, and since I'm guessing it will be soon, then I shall say this now: be safe and have fun, nii-san! You certainly deserve this vacation ;)

Also, Emil pointed out that I make myself sound like a huge gossip in these blogs. I'm really not. When I talk about nii-san, its all general. I could never give away his secrets. That'd be so rude and a violation of his privacy and I respect him too much to do that. So, nii-san, if you think that I'm just sitting here recording everything you say just to repeat it all later, don't worry, I don't.

Theatrhythm is getting annoying. Currently, I'm hunting up shards to get characters and I just can't seem to figure out a way to get them. I think I figure out a system and then it fails :(

My Slingo game was driving me nuts last night. I got to the last island and it kept shutting itself off. Rude game :P

I also had a nice dream full of a forest and these odd little elven creatures.

Sorry this is kinda random and sorry if I sounded emotional last night. I really wasn't. I was sleepy and rambling.

And nii-san, you think too much. Don't read into what other people say more than necessary. No more apologies and no more passing around the blame, reguardless of what anyone says.

Beauty is only skin deep. Whats on the inside is truly what matters most.

I have always believed inthose words. I've always wanted to believe those words to be fact.

A little bit over five months ago a wonderful person entered my life and taught me that it was indeed fact. And course that person is my nii-san. He's taught me so many wonderful lessons and he knows how grateful I am and how much I appreciate his existence.

He really, truly is my nightlight.

He's going through a bit of a rough time right now, and I am hoping and praying to my Moon dynasty as much as I can that it will pass soon. While he was sparkling with supreme happiness before, he also wasn't as distressed as he is now.

And after discussing it with my gbf and one of my sisters, I don't feel any better about it.

I only have two wishes for this situation: the first, the my beloved nii-san get through this terrible bout of depression not emotionally mortified.

The other is that I can support him about half as much as he has me.

I'm not a great person. I've done some terrible things in my time and for all of the abuse I've taken, I've grown to view as punishment. Whenever I'm abandoned, I know that its just karma's way of coming back around.

But my nii-san never did anything wrong, as far as I know. So why the universe is torturing him, I have no idea. A friend said that it might be karma's way of him abandoning me awhile back. After I properly shot the idea down with verbal 'what are you an idiot?', I hope that it isn't karma's way of punishing him. He didn't do anything wrong. It was all my fault.

The me of last month would have shattered him with opinions about why he feels that way or how reality is. But the me of now just wants to help him feel better. To stop his tears and cuddle him and make him feel loved. Because he is. He is loved by myself and his other sisters here. That I can vouch for.

So, nii-san, reguardless of whatever people think, your family has your back.

Because you're beautiful and good enough for us.

That my mood for tonight. I am so sleepy. I spent a good portion of the morning/afternoon playing FFX. I am almost to the final bosses, so I am in the boring stage where everyone is leveling up. Then at 5 I went in to work and an hour before we closed about 50 people came in. We only had three servers and a cook, so our GM helped cook while I helped serve. I've never done that before so it was kinda weird.

I plan on typing tonight. I should type fanfiction. I've put it off for long enough, and now that everything is settled once more, I can hunt up my muse and snuggle her until she helps me write.

Not much going on other than work. Sometime next week or so BB is getting snipped, as well as his first bout of shots, so that will be interesting.

Hi everyone! Hopefully all of you are well. Not much to say here other than today was a fulfilling day.

I woke up, picked up some stuff from my grandma's, toured two apartments(one of which I'm totally going to get), got flea pills for BB, called in about getting him snipped, looked at IUPUI stuff to help me budget, then worked for five hours.

All in all, a successful day.

I also have been reconnecting with nii-san and a close friend, so that pleases me. Intensely. I also had a heart to heart with my new gbf, which was very insightful.

I don't have a lot to say. The con has wiped my poor creativity.

When Itachi came home from school one day, Kida could immediately sense that something was amiss.

"Nii-san?" She asked, walking over to his side as soon as he sat down. And when he hunched over immediately after, she gasped and wrapped her arms around him.

He was shaking.

"Mom! Mom, quickly, something's wrong!" She cried.

Hours later found Kida watching him sleep. Her mother and step-father had managed to pry the grim news out of him.

It was very grim indeed.

When he made a whimper in his sleep, Kida felt her heart break and without thinking much of it, she crawled into bed with him.

For the rest of the night she watched him sleep, trying to soothe his restlessness and agony as best she could. While it wasn't much, sometimes all you need is that support.

Reguardless of the problem, the solution will come eventually. Its dealing with the problem as it is now that needs to be worried about. And when the person with the problems needs help dealing with it, then others should lend a hand as much as they can. Not so much with solutions or opinions. Just with smiles and hugs and letting that person know they care.

Love is such a broad thing. It has many forms and never stays in one for all of time. The love you feel for your parents will go from adoring to begruding to appreciative. For your siblings, it could be much the same. With a love, the begrudging part is one that many give up on. When it becomes too much, most quit. When things change, they decide that it isn't worth it to stick around.

No one fights for eternity anymore.

I'm not here to guilt or to try and be anti-divorce or to win back my soul mate. Thats not what this is about.

This blog won't make much sense to many. Heck, it makes little to myself.

When you love someone, truly love someone, you know your limits, then you learn their's. Then you find a median. It might be tough, it might seem useless, but if you get a companion that could pass Lily Erikson's backporch test, then isn't it worth it? I'm definitely an ends justifies the means type of girls.

No matter what happen's in this life of mine, I will love my nii-san. And my sisters. And of course my husband. Unless my soul mate ends up married to me, my RL husband will have to deal with me being in love with another man. I dout that will change as I get older. It hasn't for six years.

What I'm getting at here is that I'm here for the people I love. Don't shut me out. If you need me but don't want my opinion, be upfront about it. I can listen just as well as I can lecture.