Hi! Its been awhile, I know. I've been away from my computer. Not much is going on around here. Well, thats a lie. A lot of stuff is happening around here.

Today:

10 am - woke up, ate, showered

11am - picked up theatrhythm

12 pm - toured apartment #1

1 pm - 4 pm - played theatrhythm

5 pm - 10 pm - work(Emil, Miz, and friend 1 worked on Xigbar's guns

Tomorrow will be more of the same. So I'll take things step by step. Lets see, the last time I got on here was what, last Friday? So saturday was chaotic. Ish. Left baby's at two, went to grandma's for her birthday, watched DVR, went to Charlie's to start Charmed season 4. Sunday I worked the morning shift for the first time, then went to Charlie's. We flea-bathed our new baby, who is just so cute, and got him a flea collar.

So lets chat about apartments. Miz and I compiled a list of 20. Then we chatted with her Dad(who worksfor the city) about the locations and bam! our list was down to four. We play to check the other three(thought I know what to expect from one of them) this week.

My keyblade is finally finished! Now we're working on Marluxia's scythes, Zexion's lexicon, and Xigbar's guns. Everyone's coats are in, and so are the wigs. I need to cut my hair and dye it. Our panel will be that saturday. But more on that in a minute.

Theatrhythm is adicting. After tonight I'll have beaten all of the basic courses.

The guy who was training me got fired. Which sucks because he was nice but awesome because I wont be.

Ikasucon stuff now. Its so close by. A week from now I'll be snuggling next to Emil as we sleep the night before we drive to Fort Wayne. I'm so excited. I told work about it sunday, and as long as they have a week's notice, its all good, apparently. Awesome :D My Death Note Mafia panel is during the rave, so I'm cutting out halfway thorugh it to let the beat flow through me ;) Emil will babysit the rest of it. My Organization XIII panel is that day too, so I'll be Xion by day and L by night. This amuses me. I also need to buy fur for my Izaya Orihara cosplay, which I will do Friday. All of these things to do :P

I am going to so stressed out here soon, so sorry about that in advance.

But that means that I can not think about my lack of brother. Btw, nii-san, hi!

So yeah. I'm going to stop now because words are effort. See you later

My darling baby girl turned seventeen today. I'm so proud T^T. We've played lots of board games(Ive never played any of them :P) We had rainbow cupcakes instead of cake, which was awesome. I ate a bit too much though, because I'm unpleasantly stuffed. Thats probably because I've not been eating much.

Theatrythm Final Fantasy comes out this tuesday! I'm so excited. It might inspire me to game more. I really should do that...

Fanfiction news: I've began typing my next Sailor Moon and Kyo Kara Maoh chapters. They will be posted tomorrow night. Tonight, another Confessions chapter goes up, which is going to be awesome. I'm super excited.

Someday I'll finish Phantom. I keep meaning to, but then Charmed happens. I will at least keep watching it so the main guy can pay for something he did. I was told he would, and I'm looking forward to seeing it happen.

I don't have a lot to blog about. My lack of emotions makes talking about what I'm probably feeling difficult and the people around me won't care to ask like nii-san did. So if I ignore them, they'll go away, right?

I certainly hope so.

Hi everyone!

First, I would like to wish my nii-san a good vacation. Be safe and have fun ;) I know how much you've been looking forward to it.

Next, I would like to mindlessly talk about David Cook. I adore him. His music is almost as great as TDG or Rob Thomas to me. Come Back To Me is my favorite song by him. Currently, it pleases my soul. Because I honestly believe that once my nii-san's life calms down, he will be open to restarting our siblingship. I'll keep subtly trying.

More news. I'm moving :D Some things happened and now I'm going to be in my own place in a few short weeks.

Today was a good day. As I was leavingmy house to go buy new white shirts, a little black kitten came running towards my grandma's van. So Charlie and I took him in.

His name is Bageria. He's a long haired version of my Aro. Both are all black except for misc. white hairs and some white chest hair.

So then I went to work and two good things happened: the first, I learned how to assist the servers. And the 'limp-wristed' server I mentioned earlier bonded with me over various things, which brought me joy

Tonight we're also finishing Buffy season 3. Thank the moon and the stars above! Then charmed season 4, which I dub 'season Cole'.

So even though I'm drained and sleepy, and my feet hurt, and charlie can't stop sneezing, it was a good day.

Hi guys. Not much to say right now. Mainly because I vented this morning. So I really like working. its the best distraction in the world.

So lets talk about that.

So I got to go home early tonight:lol: I know have officially 15 hours of work under my belt. Go me! Which means I am now the proud owner of over $100. As soon as I can, I'm getting a new phone. But more on why that's importnant later. So work: I'm being trained by the new guy, which the servers find hilarious. The guy is really dumb and today I cleaned up after his messes. But he's apparently going to be a server, so I wont have to put up with him for too long. He's a nice guy, I suppose. Just really dumb. And I don't appreciate dumb. My manager adores me, apparently. I will most certainly not complain about that. And today I learned that one of my servers in pretty...how to put it delicately...hm...lets go with 'limp wristed'. My nii-san, who is constantly curious about this, will probably pout when he realizes he missed an oppurtunity for me to ask an older male about his lifestyle. I feel bad for our servers because people give them gift cards instead of tips.

Then I came to charlie's house(Because my co-dependency has gotten so bad that if i'm buy myself i begin to shake). Her poor, poor Mommy's hand was acting up so charlie, her sisters, and I followed her around like lost puppies, helping whenever we could.

So now we're waching buffy again. I really don't care for it. Its just not getting better as time goes on. But soon I'll be watching Charmed and all will be right in my tv world.

Oh! I sent out a massive pm to all of the members of my KHE union. I got a couple responses, which makes me happy. I wish my nii-san would get on. He's interesting and drawls people in :P

I'm having trouble blogging tonight. Stupid lack of emotions :P

So I'll chat about this fanfic I'm writing. Its a mild autobiography thing, in a roundabout way. While it would be in first person, hell it won't even be me, it also won't have actual events from my life. It'll be more like general situations. Like the rape will be the same thing - rape - but probably more violent. And my relationship with my nii-san will be physical, not virtual....that sounds gross XP Also, I will live with my dad, which i don't. He is married and will have children. My brother will end up being with a man and be way more innocent and not an a**hole. But that's for reasons you'll understand.

So that leads us to why I need a new phone. Because I believe everything that is spoken is as important as the things that go unsaid, I can't bring myself to delete anything my brother has sent to me. There is too many important things there. In fact, they are the equivilant of love notes. If I could find a way to get text messages off of my phone, I would do it. And I'll try. But until then, I'll just turn off the old phone, with the messages safe, and continue on with my life. The facebook messages are saved as well. Thats probably really pathetic, but that who I am. Pathetic and useless. Meh.

I mean, why else would they abandon me when they were tired of trying to deal with me? My brother, I will excuse to a point. My ex-friend has apparently been planning to drop me for awhile. Which really, really sucks. And for him to tell everyone he knows this, that makes it worse. What an a**hat. But I'm not surprised. Its who he is. I just hope and pray to my moon god and goddesses everyday that he never breaks my brother's heart as badly as he broke mine. Because I'm used to it. I have thicker skin than my brother. We both have agreed on that.

So many thoughts. Its best that I point them out here, than vent them to him. That lesson I quickly learned.

As I sit here blogging, I keep thinking about how right my brother was. About everything. He told me once that my emotional outbursts are the reason people leave me. My heart agrees. This situation proves him correct. That really sucks. It means that the passionate me doesn't belong in this world. If I could kill just that part, I would. But I'd kill all of me. And so many people would blame themselves. Trust me, you guys probably think thats my ego, but you don't understand all of the people that like to blame themselves for my problems. Mean people, trying to steal my thunder.

My thoughts are dwindling. Stupid new kick-ass meds. Oh.

So lets talk about my new therapist. She's dumb. Like super dumb. She believes that my nii-san isn't a real person. So now, guys, you get to deal with me not being sure whats real or fake. Fun times:?

Ok. I'm signing off. I want to play in fanfiction now.

Oops. Well, last night I realized how numb I've become. I came home from work to 10 messages in my facebook inbox from my ex-friend(of 7 years)'s friends. They all were hate mail. Honestly, dude, drop me all you want. At this point, I don't care. But do you have to continue torturing me? Geez. And my nii-san would be the only one who could actually understand my emotions right now, but he can't handle them anymore, which just makes the little emotions I have all the more conflicting.

So I'll start by griping about that. I was talking to my lesbian aunt out in Cali last night, explaining the situation to her(because my therapist that I'm seeing today is not at all helpful). She told me that I gave my nii-san too much power in the relationship. I know this. I realize this. When we establish contact in the future, depending on whether I ever get my emotions back, that will determine if it happens again. Right now I'm really disappointed in him. If my emotions were too much to handle, he should have told me. Seriously he should have. I could have vented to one of my sisters instead of him, then given him the summary. he didn't have to abandon me completely. I don't think he's cruel enough to completely abandon me forever. honestly, i half expect him to contact me before I contact him again. And if he does, I'll completely ignore the entire situation and ask him how his day was. and when he tries to apologize, I'll accept it and explain that its not necessary. Because its not. I can't blame him for him being him.

If he is doing this as a way to protect me from him, first of all, thats so much bullsh*t. I'm a big girl. I can handle myself. You don't have to back me into a corner because you're a man and don't like emotions. Don't pull an Edward Cullen, nii-san. That makes me Bella and you know how much I despise her :P I was going to contact my nii-san in august. I still might. I don't know though. It all depends on how much ex-friend pisses me off. Because if this harrassment continues, i'm going to inform my nii-san of it. He'll ignore it, but I'm hoping he'll make it stop.

More advice from my lesbian aunt: if my nii-san really cared about me, he wouldn't have completely abandoned me. he would have just taken a step back. no matter how emotional I had gotten, he would have ignored it. She also thinks that he is being too lax in figuring out who he is. She suggested that I fly out there, smack him upside the head, apologize, then force him to talk. Now I'm not that crazy. Ask me again in a year, but for now, I'll give him the space he apparently needed.

I've lost 10 pounds because I've stopped eating. Oops. I'm too worried about my nii-san. About how this affects him. The darkest parts of my mind says that it didn't affect him at all. I'm tempted to believe them. But the majority of my mind disagrees. My soul disagrees. Why would I be in so much pain if he wasn't affected?

I haven't thought about killing myself yet, so that's good. I take that as a sign that I'm meant to live and see what happens with this situation.

I also decided to contact my nii-san every six months of so, until he is ready to accept me back into his life. If I have to do it in person, then I will. Doesn't bother me. If he doesn't want to deal with that, I suggest he send me some kind of sign that he's ok.

My gami, who I adore with all of my heart, suggested I contact my ex-friend and my brother via a fake facebook. I already did that and it got me nowhere. Not that I expected it too. My ex-friend is very wimpy and I half-expect to wake up to a knife above my throat one night because his not-so-stable friend is trying to protect him. My nii-san I have no idea about.

I feel very used. He kept me around when his life was in shambles, then gave me up when it was perfect. Thats pretty selfish. And he never bothered to apologize for that. I just worry that when he hits trouble, he'll be alone. Like he has been for years. I don't want him to suffer alone. Thats not right.

So if you need me, nii-san, contact me. Please. Don't even debate on whether you should or not. Just do it.

Anyway, back to my sisters. My baby and alli-chan are very worried about me. when I was chatting with them last night, apparently I sounded distant. REviewing the messages, I agree. But when I can't feel anything, there is not much that can be done about that.

I do feel one thing - lost. So very lost. Because I'm not sure how to fix things. My nii-san and I had been repaired and things were going great and I have no idea how we got to this point. Honestly, I'm stumped. I just want to be happy again. To smile again. If I have to shut off my emotions for years, then I will do just that.

I feel like I have so much more to say, but our time is running out. I have other things to deal with. I know in my gut that in the end, things will be fine. I will manage to work things out with my brother and ex-friend. So I'll trust my gut.

What do you guys think I should do?

Hello everyone. The last two days have been easier for me because I remembered how to shut off my mind. Success! I've even began to eat again. So yeah, I won't be dead before too long. Which is good. I have fanfiction that needs to be typed. in fact, as I catch up on DVR, thats what I'll be doing.

My victorian romance is such a doof. He's quite amusing. It recently came to my attention that all of my fave ffn authors that have gone on haitus have done so due to relationship issues. Geez, is there something in the air? I wish them all the best and hope that they can get their lives back in order.

I've began typing many new fanfiction ideas. One I started awhile back. The other I am in the planning stages with. I forgot how much my writing develops when my heart shatters. "When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change," Avatar Aang informed Avatar Korra in the Korra finale this past saturday. How very true that is. Its a bitter truth, honestly. My sisters insist that I don't do much for awhile. They insist I need my rest. Yet I feel very restless. So I'll take that out in fanfiction.

Soulmates. Its a startling concept. If you actually start to think about it, its just an unavoidable lable. No matter what my nii-san thinks or convinces himself of, in the end he'll discover the truth. And thats what he needs this time for. To grow. Its scary, imagining him so far away and without people to talk to. He needs to realize that I'll continue to be here for him. but more on that later. Honestly, he'll probably read these blogs and skip over parts when I mention him. Avoiding the problem has worked well for him for many years now, and being the creature of habit that he is, he'll continue to do this. But whatever. It is what it is.

So back to fanfiction, because thinking of my nii-san makes me tear up. My KKM and Sailor Moon stuff will slowly be coming along. I plan to post chapters for both tonight, depending on when I get out of work. Confessions is going well too. Soon I will begin to heavily edit book 2. I might begin to edit book 1 as well. When the beginning of July hits, I plan to start book 3. I am so excited for that. So many things happen and my mood is the mood that book needs. The tears I shed at night will be transfered to that story. I also need to finish up my FMD(or something like that ;) )'s first part. All of these things that need to happen :P I also have been typing on my Harvest Moon stuff, which is super popular.

My dreams have been pretty tranquil, despite the hysteria that my heart is in. They've been nice dreams full of the future. Not the far future, when I have babies, but the closer future, like post-college graduation. I like them and will do my best to make them come true.

Pixel art-ing is a lot of fun as well. I'm glad that I have some that needs to be done. it gives me a nice distraction. I also need to acquire another FF3, so that Emi and I can get our Onion Knight outfits. FF2 will eventually be played...maybe. Probably not. Now that the two gamers in my life have left, my drive for gaming has all but disappeared. Before the summer ends I do plan on finishing FF3 and FF4 and FF5. And my Harvest Moon games. I'll work on those once Mizu starts Charmed season 4, which should happen sometime next week.

Work is a lot better than I expected. I have a really easy job and everyone is quite friendly. And helpful. I'm curious as to who I'm working with today.

Ok. Nii-san, if you want, we can never verbally communicate. Whatever you want. I plan on stalking your blogs as I always have. That won't change. I'll be a silent observer. I'm sure you'll stalk mine too. To everyone else, thanks for reading my crap. I'm glad that you care.

Goodbye, nii-san. I'll miss you terribly but understand why you have to do this. be safe and happy. I wish to establish contact with you again someday. I realize that it might be impossible, but hopefully after a few months or even years, we can find a medium you can live with. I don't see this being the end of our friendship - our siblingship. I hope you don't either.

And to the people who read this, these blogs will probably become very common. Im very distraught right now, having to give up my beloved big brother and a friend i've known for seven+ years. So yeah.

So here was my day today. I started my job. It looks like it will be a nice distraction from my problems. I also got my pheonix down necklace, because yes, I am that geeky. Last night two of my sisters and I watched the rest of Charmed season 3 and the birdcage. Tonight we're starting Buffy season 3.

I also established contact with my victorian romance again. because honestly, i think i need to move past the last magical four months of my life. and the only way i know how is to go back to the way things were before. and maybe, just maybe, I can gain my former confidence back. be the sister my brother deserves. Only time will tell

To most little girls, thunderstorms are the scariest thing in the world.

Never could they have dreamed of something more scary than the roar of thunder and the flashes of lightning.

One night, while their brother was working to provide for them, and their older sister was in the shower, two little sisters huddled together under the protection of their blanket. Tears shinned in Kida?s black eyes as Emi shivered in fear. Suddenly something slammed open their door. Both screamed. The blanket was ripped away from them and above them stood a monster. A terrifying monster that spewed terrible things.

?But-? The older of the two protested. The monster roared, sending fear to her heart. Then it pushed her, causing her to fly back against the wall. While she wasn?t anything but bruised, she still felt very, very hurt. Then she feared for Emi. So she looked towards the two, the image broken by her black hair.

?Stop!? She screamed, racing to grab her sister from the claws of the monster. Emi?s green eyes were squeezed shut. The monster snarled and was about to throw her too, but the wails of their baby sister from the other room had it pausing. Its eyes narrowed and it dropped the girl. Kida watched in horror as her blond sister fell at an odd angle.

?Ouch!? The younger cried. Kida raced towards Emi. Taking her sobs to mean that she was at least alive, Kida realized the other potential victim.

?We have to save Kuro!? Kida gasped. As soon as she had her sister on her feet, the baby?s cries stopped. Heart stopping, the Kida into the living room that held her sister. The monster was shaking the crib.

?No!? She screamed, running at the monster. She shoved it away, but the crib fell over and her sister tumbled out. Emi went to retrieve the baby, trying to quiet her.

?What in the hell is going on here?? Mizu, their oldest sister, asked as she entered the room. The monster backhanded her, sending her flying only to land on the entryway.

?Onee-san!? Kida and Emi cried out. The monster took a look around the room. Satisfied that its work was done, it disappeared. Biting back a sob, the girl called 911.

Later that evening, their older brother picked them up from the hospital.

Mizu had a cracked skull and a broken shoulder.

Kida had a sprained ankle and a serious case of shock.

Emi?s right leg was shattered.

Kuro had severe brusing all over her body.

As the ragtag group walked towards him, and doctors began shoving paperwork into his face, Hikari couldn?t help but stand there in shock.

What the hell?

Hey everyone! Not much going on in this blog. Just rambling. So I had an odd week. It had its ups and downs. I'll start with the downs because they are boring and dumb.

I realized some things I had been worried about are in fact happening. Which sucks. Cause I really didn't want them to happen. But I suppose expirience really is the best teacher, so I'll just let things run their course and try to be strong for those who will need it. This drama was exausting. I'm still kinda tired from it.

Then I had a week full of weird dreams. Just bizarre. But I'm not going to talk to them.

Now for the good. I video chatted with my brother. It was different but a good kind of different. It is definitely the highlight of my week, which might just be a wee bit sad, but I don't care. I'm that kind of dorky I suppose :P Our plans didn't really work but that doesn't matter too much to me. Because we tried and thats what matters. And I wanna try again. Trial and error and all that. And if it never works then we can figure out something else to do. I'm just not sure how he feels about it.

I got a job! I fill the papers out Thursday. Money is always a good thing, after all ;)

I also got my secret ending in re:coded, which means I can now focus on other things. Thank goodness.

So this is a short blog, I know, but I'm not sure whatelse to say, so I'll just stop now.