Thursday:

I posted about my morning in an earlier post, so I'll skip that part. After going to the bank, we played van tetris. We headed up to Fort Wayne by 12-30 and arrived around 3 o'clock. We ate and when we came back, everyone decided to go swimming. We painted Lex's hammer for a bit, then a friend needed something from Walgreen's so my grandma and I took her. Then we picked up our badges. A few hours later, baby needed pens from there so she, myself, and Emil began to walk there. Barely a block away from the hotel, Emil got spooked and we called baby's brother michael, who came with us. We walked all the way to Walgreens just to discover that it had closed, which made us sad and we slowly walked back. Now, Fort Wayne isn't the nicest places to be walking around after midnight and the Walgreens was in the worst part of town. But no one was raped or mugged so everything is ok. Then we came back and shortly after went to bed.

Friday:

My grandma had nightmares the entire time, so I didn't really sleep much that night. I woke up and played Theatrhythm for a few hours. Then I got up, put in my contacts, straightened my hair, and after binding for my Izaya cosplay, put on the cosplay. Then Emil(dressed as Rima from Vampire Knight) and I headed to the bank and wasted a few hours taking pictures and giving/recieving hugs. I then bought volume 2 from the KHReCom manga series and MARS, A Horse With No Name and a FFX pocket watch. We went to a Durarara Quiz panel where Team Izaya(Emil, myself, and one other person) proceeded to kick butt. I won an awesome picture frame. Then we played DDR and went to an Avatar panel that we could only stand for about 15 minutes. After an very interesting KH panel, we then snuck into a very entertaining yaoi panel and we went to bed.

Saturday:

I woke up to baby and Emil whispering. i then joined them in helping to get Emil's hair into Larxene's style. Then after I got dressed in Xion gear, I followed them and Kuro down to project cosplay, where I played Theatrhythm as they worked on making a kimono from scratch in 4 hours. Then Michael, Amanda and I went to anime family fued, which is the reason i'm losing my voice. Then we got in line for the cosplay masqurade where baby, Emil, and Kuro won Project Cosplay and were awarded free passes to Ikasucon 2013. Then we waited around a few hours, in which Emil and I bought all of some FFXII profile cards/pins from a booth(I got the profile cards and she got the pins) and then got ready for our KH Organization XIII panel, which was huge success. Then I immediately did my DN mafia panel, which kinda flopped. After running around after midnight in downtown FW once more(with Emil, Kuro and I looking like whores in our under the coat get up), Kuro and I did the rave for a bit, DDR-ed, and then went to bed.

Sunday:

I woke up and began to pack, and soon everyone followed cue. I bought a moogle shirt(that looks like the goggle logo) and got refunded for my con badge, and then we left.

Overall, it was a good con expirience and I can't wait for next year.

We're heading up to Fort Wayne today for Ikasucon. I'm super excited.

So a review of last night: Kuro and I managed to get the fur and the Izaya jacket finished, and the black pants were bought. So my Friday cosplay is complete. Then Saturday I'll be Xion. And Sunday I get to do nothing. Yay! After work I came home to a house full of women. Two hours later Kuro, Emil, and I were hiding in my bedroom as they all slept. Then we slept too(Emil and I on the bed, Kuro on the floor).

And then I woke up at five-thirty.

So now I'm waiting until the bank opens so I can get money from the bank.

I had a nice dream. It was about the water and a pleasantly warm day and had all of the people that I love in it.

So today was hell. Pure, unadultered hell.

I woke up early. We got to orientation 15 minutes late. Orientation had some huge ups and downs to it.

Then after going to the back, which lasted longer than I expected, I drove to plainfield to grab Emil.

As we were turning around to leave, this mailbox, I swear, jumped out of nowhere and shattered my back windshield. We are all ok, but Miz, Emil, and I didn't see it until the thing was in the window. So for an hour we had to deal with that. So I couldn't get to Joann's. But a friend and I are going tomorrow and she even agreed to go in on half for the fur with me, which is awesome and amazing. So some sewing will happen and I'll buy the tight black pants and that cosplay is good to go.

My hair has been dyed Xion black. It actually doesn't look too bad. I'm impressed.

My panel hell got fixed. Thank goodness. Morons. So now we're all set to go for Thursday.

What a day.

Poor blog. You are so very bipolar. So I'm in the midst of a mild panic attack. Everything for this weekend is going to hell so fast. So let me explain how the next couple of days need to go.

Tuesday:

7am - wake up for orientation

8 am - orientation

5 pm - orientation ends/pick up Emil

6 pm - bank/rush to Joann's fabrics/hand Izaya's fur & hoodie to Kuro so she can work her magic

7 pm - pack for con

Anytime after that - dye my hair, then shower, also try and polish bedroom

Wednesday:

before noon - wake up, shower, force self to eat, dress self

noon and after - double check packing/polish house

4 - work

sometime after 7 - dealing with lots and lots of people

Thursday:

10 am - wake everyone up

11 am - get everyone fed

12 pm - get everyone ready and car parked

1 pm - leave for Fort Wayne

So I am extremely paniced. In fact, i'm going to write down this list now. So much to do, only 48 hours to do it in

Hi everyone. I'm blogging now because I have an oddly packed day today.

Relief is all I can feel right now. Some mild anxiety too, but there will be very little that can change that. I expect that to go away with the next couple of hours.

So why relief? Because everything is finally becoming ok again. I'm so grateful to that. This will be different and the changes might take some getting used to, but I could careless about that. I'm just relieved to have my nii-san back.

I don't like to think of change as bad. Change is neither good nor bad. It's inevitable. You can't avoid it. So you just have to roll with it.

Anyway, last night I dreamt of Tachi-nii. Which is weird because I've never dreamt of him before. I'm taking that as a good omen. We talked about some stuff that I talked to my other nii-san about. And being who he is, Tachi-nii just sat there as I rambled.

So as I talked about it, I decided some things.

1) Its probably best that nii-san lives so far away. If this had happened in person, I would have probably just snuggled him to near death and then called it good. We wouldn't have talked about stuff that should probably be talked about.

2) I'm relieved that I wasn't the only one affected by this. Now, nii-san, that is selfish. Your wanting to get into a normal schedule to improve your health isn't selfish. Its a good thing and of course I'll do everything in my power to help you. But my being relieved that I wasn't the only one affected is a terribly selfish thing.

3) This week will be as much hell as it will be fun. Not because of nii-san of course. Just work/people + Ikasucon/orientation = an equal amount of bad plus good.

4) I don't like complicated. I never have. Why people seem to think that I do, I will never know. So I am making it my new goal to make things as simple as possible.

5) With relief comes calm and peace. So, nii-san, last night will be the last time I rant in that manner to you for a long time. I promise. I might do normal rants of 'why are people so stupid' or excited rants, but I figure you don't mind those.

6) I also owe an apology to the Universe. I shouldn't have doubted you. My bad, dearest you, my bad.

7) Thank you to everyone that has stood beside me as I broke down. I owe you all my life and will be eternally grateful. To Emil, who is ever so strong and to poor Kuro, who got caught in the crossfire, I love you guys so much.

8) I am walking away from this nightmare of a situation as a stronger person. The promises I made to myself when nii-san left so long ago I will keep. Alli-chan has already agreed to replace him as my emotional support, and honestly, nii-san, that's for your sake. Because you don't deserve to have me dragging you down all the time. Don't argue with me on this and of course if I need comfort, I'll come to you still, but I won't give you my every thought and feeling. Thats too much for one person to bear.

9) The new school year will be upon us before we know it. My sisters go back to school on the 31st of July and I begin my college expirience on the 20th of August. So we should all do our best to let this summer pass by in peace.

10) I'm not really sure what to put here. I suppose I'll dedicate this to my ffn people, who haven't been able to get my update this week yet because of some things that happened Friday and Saturday. You'll get it tonight, I swear. I'm also giving you guys this weekend's chapter because I won't be able to post then.

So thanks to everyone who has read my blogs recently. They'll still be pretty daily.

As I sit here, playing FFX(my new pick-me-up game), I decided to blog. A ramble one full of not tough things.

So work was terrible. I worked from 9 to 4 with no downtime. It was just so busy. But I saw my favorite manager again, so that was awesome.

Then I came home and snuggled the baby and whinned about my feet and then began to play X. I should play Theatrhythm too...

So I had a good dream. It was my wedding day and Emil and i were being silly. Pillow fights and stuff like that. And then my husband randomly entered the picture and we were gossiping about stuff at my RL workplace.

All-in-all, not bad or serious.

And the Universe, I'm sorry I was mean. You know I never mean it when I'm being bratty. Thanks for the signs.

ps - it is way too hot in Indy. Seriously, we need RAIN.

Hey guys. Not much to say here. My doctor wants to start weening me off of my new meds(already?Isn't that strange :/) It makes me nervous. Severly so. They are the reason that I've stopped bursting into tears every five seconds. So anyway, I'm going to talk about a dream I had.

It upset me.

It was one of those dreams where you go through your day. Like you always do. And my routine was normal once again. I woke up, showered, played online with ex-friend for a bit, went to work, came home and played with my new baby(kitten, remember?), and then I began to play with nii-san again.

Which really sucked. Because he's made it clear that that is not ever going to be possible again.

When I realized that, the dream turned into a nightmare. I was being chased by all of the things that have harmed me emotionally. They tied me up and were going to set me on fire on some kind of stake(like the witch trials so long ago). I could handle that. What I couldn't handle was nii-san lighting the match. So I began to struggle - against my bindings, against the hands holding them together, against the course of the dream.

My nii-san's expression still makes me want to burst into tears. He didn't want to do it. The regret was so terrible. I couldn't bear it.

And suddenly I didn't have to. At some point I had squeezed my eyes shut. When they opened again, I was being held by my husband as Mail wrapped a blanket around me. As I sobbed out what had happened, I began to take in my surroundings.

I was in one of my chess dreams. Saix's couch, Axel's 360, Dem's curtains. The faceless man holding my husband. It was all there. I was so relieved. Tidus and Mikado were in the kitchen screwing up dinner, like they always were. Mail was worried about Saix coming home to a house full of strangers and killing us.

It was perfect.

Tidus brought in my two babies(Vidi and Nezumi) and Mikado brought out dinner. We ate and drank and laughed and Mail beat me at chess again and again.

Things were finally normal. I wondered absently if this meant that the universe was finally letting me go and giving me peace.

And then the room did that weird fade to silence and stillness that it does in movies. Confused, and quite worried, I looked around.

Xion stood by the window, smiling sadly at me. Confused, I asked her why she was here.

"You know why" I thought as she said. I shook my head, the tears starting up again.

"What am I suppose to do?" I whispered. She shrugged.

"You know what you have to do. You've always known." She sighed.

And I did know. I've known for a long time now what I'm suppose to do.

"But now isn't the right time." I insisted. She shrugged.

"For one, yes. For the other, no." As I burst into tears, she walked over and wrapped my Pheonix Down necklace around my neck.

"For luck." She insisted.

So I should listen to her. I'm not at all surprised by her appearing in my dreams. With the fic I'm writing, its a wonder that she hasn't arrived in them sooner.

So yeah. My dream was terrible. But, strangely enough, I feel better knowing that I shouldn't fight fate.

So I won't.

You know, Universe, I get it. I really do. I found my soul mate. I acknowledge that all the time. I'm not surprised, I'm made peace with this information. Yet you continue to torment me! Since I began this job, I keep finding people that have the same coloring of my soul mate. And then they end up with the same name. And today, when a super cute one wandered in, and my gbf michael and I were making comments on just how cute he was. I was cashing the guy out and his father and uncles(probably) wandered over and he tried to set us up.

Seriously Universe. Stop. Please? You're going to end up making me a crazy stalker **** And I seriously don't want that. So Imma ramble about this for a bit, ok guys?

So the Universe and I are great buds. I learn from it, it tells me what to do, typical...religon-esque relationship. So when my he called it quits, I struggled with that. The last couple of weeks have been hell for me, as you know. And just as I begin to move on with my life, the universe is like 'oh hell no, get your relationship fixed.' You know, Universe, I want to. I yearn for it. But there isn't a lot I can do about it. I can't force people to talk to me. I've tried. I've failed. Why can't you quit telling me to fix things? Its not me that you need to be sending these signs to. Its him. And when he ignores them, then you can kick his ass. And when he realizes that he shouldn't ignore you, then my sisters will kick his ass too. So please stop tormenting me.

I can't take it anymore.

So my Final Fantasy wikia got hacked. I'm so horrified that I'm speechless. That thing brought me so much joy. And now its gone. Sigh. Poor, poor wikia. I'll miss it. A lot.

News: our Xigbar guns turned out to be a flop, which really sucks. But that's ok. We'll live. The scythe and Lexicon are good to go, so no worries there.

My new fanfic baby is turning out wonderfully. 150 pages are nice and typed. I might post a preview eventually.

So yeah. Ok, time to get off and get back to that

I am chipper and perky and probably very annoying.

So I worked for three hours today, so not too bad. I found out that I will get my first paycheck the Monday before Ikasucon, which rocks. Spending money for me ;)

I beat the plot of Theatrhythm, which isn't hard at all, and now I'm addicted. Its a lot of pointless fun with music. But I don't want to ramble about that.

My doctor likes how this new medicine is working for me, so thats good. I'm utterly content currently and thats because of a few things.

1. I've began to accept that nii-san isn't going to be around for awhile

2. My baby kitten

3. Job = money

4. Ikasucon is very soon

So yeah. I'm gaining my optimism back. Which is good. Though it might just be a not feeling thing. Meh. Who cares. I certainly don't.

Um, I feel like I have so many things to say, but none of the urge to say them. So I'm getting off now.