emotions suck!!!! emotions suck!!!! emotions suck!!!! emotions suck!!!!

i saw syble this weekend, she is my ex-gf (the one that "Sweet Poison" is about), the only girl i have ever loved. well i think i loved her, i do know that i have never felt towards anyone else the way that i felt towards her. i didnt tell her i loved her until she was breaking up with me for the second time, i could give u the complete story on the year and a half i spent dedicated to being with her but that would take too long so if u want to know then ask me in person or on the phone. i will say that we went out twice, both times for about a month and a half. well the second time i was so upset that she could just breakup with me knowing that i love her and not giving me more time. after she did that i didnt want to talk to her, see her, or even hear her voice. and i went 4 months without doing any of those things, but i saw her over the weekend because i was her house to visit kiefer, since he is moving to texas next week. im going to miss him.

yes emotions suck, but im not saying that for the reason u are probably beginning to think that im saying it for. all the love towards her has disapeared, i dont get that feeling in my stomach when i see her, i dont get nervous when i talk to her, i dont feel anything, anything at all.

now here is where it sucks, she loves me. she loved me when i told her that i loved her, but she was too afraid to say it back, too afraid to leave herself completely vulnerable and having her heart at the merce of another person, she couldnt do what i did. if only she had said it, our lives would be completely different, but she didnt and things have been damaged inside me, things that cannot be repaired. by not saying "I love you too", she has completely screwed things up between us. i guess we just werent meant to be together.

i tried to feel something towards her too, i tried so hard. we were getting really close all the time, and i had my arm around her when we were watching kiefer play silent hill 4, and she fell asleep. she fell asleep in my arms, and at that point it began to hurt, because i still felt nothing but i could see just how much she loved me by the way she slept on me, and i began to realize that i had to tell her. can u imagine, this is something i have been wishing and dreaming to have for over a year and a half, and i didnt feel anything. can u imagine having everything u have wanted for so long u cant remember ever not wanting it, but not feeling anything when u finaly got it. it was like f*cking torture, i couldnt stand it. it was the worst thing ever, and that is why i say that emotions suck!!!!!

well i told her the next morning that i didnt feel the same way towards her as i used to, that is when she told me that she loved me, she looked so sad, but we still hungout until i left. we hugged goodbye 3 times, they were long hugs. very affectionate, neither of us wanted to let go really, even though i still didnt feel anything, i didnt want to let go beause i was hoping that if i held on long enough i would feel something, but it didnt work. i felt so sad when she just kept squeezing me tighter and tighter during the hugs. and as i was about to drive back to b'ville i gave a very affectionate kiss on the forehead and then she gave me a kis on the lips, and then i said goodbye to both of them one last time, and drove off. im going to miss both of them very much. i will still see them occasionally, and maybe someday i will feel something towards her again, but i didnt this weekend. i feel like its the end of an era, the biggest one in my life so far. i have known them for 7 years. we still remaind close freinds even when i moved to b'ville, but now they are moving so far out of reach, we wont even be able to talk on the phone or computer. we will send letters to each other though. this is a very sad and confusing time, so make sure to give me an extra big hug next time i see u, if your a girl i dont want any guy hugs, ok.

syble i dedicate this song to u, i have been listening to it the whole time i was typing this entry, it is called "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper.

Cyndi Lauper Lyrics

Time After Time Lyrics

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after

Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

You said go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

Time after time
Time after time
Time after time

ok here is the blow by blow description of Saturday. my day started when I fell asleep at 1am. at 2:15am I get a call on my cell phone, it says that it is unavailable, so I answer and I hear I guy breathing on the other end of the line and then he hangs up, so I go back to sleep. at 2:35am, he calls again, this time he asks if some girl is there, I say no you have the wrong number so then he hangs up. I thought I was a dream until I checked my cell later in the day and saw the 2 unavailable incoming calls. I believe it was a booty call gone horribly wrong!!!

so for the rest of the night I would wake up ever 30min thinking it was time for me to get up, but it wasnt. until my alarm went off at 6:20am, so i go down stairs, and make coffee, and drink 3 huge cups before leaving, and i had a 4th with me in the car to drink on the way. now u are probably wondering just where the hell am i going so early in the morning. i went to demo day for debate class, in sapulpa. the ride there was alright, i listened to slipknot, but my batteries died, and my extra batteries died too. so i listened to my mp3 player, which has all korn in it.

fast foward to 5 hours later, its 1pm, and my ass has died from sitting in those damn school desks. demo day is over, and good ridence. but on the ride home, i rode with autumn, the girl at school that im working on, not really working on, more like a little something here a little something there, and letting the rest just happen. its working, we talked to whole way home, and we have a lot in common, and now she is going to give me hugs all the time, because she said that she is a hugging person and i said i was too, which i am.

fast foward to 5 pm. josh and i go to walmart for a few minutes and then go to the office. we were determined to hang out with some dewey girls. but we realized that we dont have the numbers of almost any dewey girls, we thought of girls but couldnt think of there last names, so we couldnt use the phone book. we called matt to see if he could hang out with us because he knows some dg, dg = dewey girls, but he was grounded. so then i looked through the phone book on my cell, and called dana, a dg, but she wasnt home, i called coral, a dg, but she wasnt home, then i called sara, but she wasnt home, sara why are u never home, if your not home how am i supposed to call u. then we called matt again to see if there was a place where dg like to hangout, but he wasnt home. then we sat around think. i called dana, corel, and sara again, but still no one home.

it is about 7pm at this time. we go to US-75. and talk to a few people, i met the whitest black guy ever, and he was really funny too, he is really kool, the whole time we were talking to him, i couldnt stop laughing. later, still at US-75 i saw alera, or sinistrality as here xanga says, she aparently thinks its really embarassing to be recognized by her xanga, i think it would be awsome to know that someone is actually paying attention. she also thinks its kool that our band is called sinistrality. then after alera left, 3 girls came up to use and one asked josh if he had a gf and he said no, which is true, so she kissed him, and then she asked me and i said no, which is true, and she kissed me, it was a nice wet kiss, i liked it. then we started throwing cards with this guy who looks like he is 13 or 14, but he is really 18. and then we went to walmart with this guy at 10pm, and he bought 12 packs of cards for throwing, and the old guy that we bought the cards from thought that the guy was a girl, and stuff like that it was hilarious. then in the parkinglot we saw a group of people walking up to the store, so the radio was turned up and they started dancing, so we threw cards at them, and the started cussing us out as we drove off.

back at US-75, its now 10:30pm, we did a drive by carding to all the potheads outside and then we parked and threw cards at eachother for 2 seconds, then we got bored. i met the kids i gave a ride to in my jeep earlier in the summer, one of the girls said that she felt so violated on that ride, and i said u know u liked it, and she went ya your right.then josh threw a card at me and it hit my glasses, then he threw another one and it hit my throut, so i couldnt just let him get away with that, i would lose face and credibility, i didnt want to but i had to, atleast for show, do something about it, so i chased him, i caught up to him and tryed to get him in a head lock, but he turned the other way, so in order to stop, i had to let my habd hit the ground, so now my hand is all messed up. so i continued to chase him around a car. he was wearing chucks so i was able to catchup, he tried the same trick again, but i got him in a head lock and then he said are u done, and i went ya i will let go..........now. and then we went home. yesterday was fun. i was actually talking to people.

i think in this entry i have mentioned all of my local xanga freinds. oh wait, i forgot kelly. ok i will say somethink about her. um she thinks i smell good, she told me on thursday, when she gave me a hug, and then again when she gave me another hug. ok this has been a long entry, so if u have read it this far, leave a comment, i want to see who all actually reads my stuff. later.

Lord British Was Here!!!