This is going to be one of those serious blogs, so if you don't enjoy reading these kind, I understand if you just skip this one but please try and read it. I really don't have anyone else that will listen, at least listen to this.
With that out of the way, I just worked a funeral service for a family friend and it got me thinking. He was in a car accident and was in a coma for a few weeks. His wife finally had to decide to "pull the plug". It was quite sad really, he was a nice guy that had a bad problem . . . he was an alcoholic. "I'm glad he didn't hurt anybody but it's too bad he had to go and kill himself." That's what I thought at least, he didn't commit suicide but in a way he did kill himself by drinking and driving drunk.
That's when it struck me, I was reminded of a time when I had a headache, so I went to get some aspirin. And when I opended the cupboard and looked at all the medication I thought to myself, "I wonder how many pills I would have to take to stop breathing?". Sad, isn't it? It was almost like asking, "I wonder if it's going to rain today?". That was the tone, that was just how common a question it was. I was in a bad spot then. But it just wasn't then, that I thought about it . . . suicide. Not really seriously, just as a passing question . . . how many?
Yeah, I know, depressing, huh? Don't worry, I'm much better now. It took a long time, a really long time. I really didn't even realize how much I hurt. When I was about 12, I had these two friends, they were the only ones I had. My best friend that I had forever moved, my brother moved out of the house, and my dog died too. So they were all I had. It started off as a joke, "Oh, your so stupid, Niki, I can't belive it!". Little things like that, here and there. After a while though, it came out more seriously, "Stupid and worthless as always." That was the main one. And soon, I even said it too myself. I didn't realize it until it was too late, I found that I started hating myself, every little thing I did wrong, I would tell myself that . . . "stupid and worthless as always.".
So, I thought that maybe it was them, that I wasn't what they said I was. I wanted to blame them so bad, that I did, and I hated them so much. I ended up moving, getting two different friends, and the same thing happened. That really hurt, two completely different people in a completely different town, telling me the exact same things. I felt horrible, it must have been true. Now I couldn't hate them, because it really was me. I sort of gave up on having friends after that. They told me that, "I wasn't meant to have friends." I thought everything they said was right, and that was too.
After that, I always found a way to end any friendships I had when they got too close, too personal, when we got to be best friends. I was so afraid of repeating what happened before. So I always found an excuse, some way to start an arguement, and then just call it quits. My friends ended up hating me and never talking to me again . . . mission success. I thought I was saving myself from them and them from myself.
So, yeah . . . what is that . . . 8 years of this. Going from hating other people for making me this way, to hating myself for being manipulated and changed by other people, to hating myself and crying everytime I was alone, to waking up and wishing I was dead, to . . . not feeling anything. Yeah, this might sound extreme but to be quite honest, I really didn't notice. Yeah, sometimes it hurt so bad, I just wanted to go away, away from here. It's kind of odd, I don't even know what kind of hurt it is. Just that I hated myself so much. It's amazing. I have the most perfect life, parents that love me, a great education, I got to do so much in high school, and I'm doing so much now in college . . . so why did I turn out this way.
January, I hit a really bad rough patch, it was bad, probably the worse I've ever been. It took a while, half a year, but I am doing a lot better. I think I realize what my problem was, that I really can't hate myself, that I've got to learn to like me. Learn to look at myself in the mirror, and agree with people when they tell me I'm good at something.
So yeah, I guess that's what I had to say. That's my dirty little secret that nobody knows. I've tried telling people, but they either think I'm joking or just shrug it off. But yeah, I feel good now, I'm not quite sure what changed, maybe just caknowledging how I felt and telling myself that it wasn't how I should feel about myself. Anyway, I think I'm always going to remember that family friend and the way he sort of saved me from myself, without even being here. I'll be forever greatful, I just wish I could have told you what you did for me.
I guess in closing, I just gotta say if you've ever felt like you don't belong, that you're all alone, and that you're worth nothing . . . I say that you're worth everything in the world, people like you and me. Because we can be the ones to help others like ourselves that are in the places we've been, and are going to the places that we are now. I guess all I can do is say that if you hurt so bad that you just wish you weren't alive anymore, to email me about it. It helps to talk to someone about it, that's why I'm blogging about this. And I have to say that though I still call myself stupid, and I hurt and get depressed . . . the one thing that's changed is that I actually look forward to tomorrow and what it will bring.
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