A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody
home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to
play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy .... Hey buddy ....why are you doing that? He
said....Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he pulled
through.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I
don't know kid ....there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. Next Tuesday is when I jump.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the
mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't
know but your eyesight is perfect.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ...turned me over and
said. Look ... twins!
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
jokes:
The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says,
"Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the
animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?"
says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the
snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks,
"Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes.
"We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."
"Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the
bartender. "I just got the shock of my life. I
caught my wife srewing my best friend."
"Paul, that's awful. What did you do?"
"I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent
him to bed with no Kibbles N Bits."
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every 3
months for about 5 years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were
up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni
Association. Once, when checking his records, the (blonde?) asked, "Is
xxx-xxxx your current phone number?
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He
hasn't heard from them since.
"Remember, when you're out of Bud, TOUGH SCHLITZ"
Don't forget the one CPA ... I. C. Loophole
or what about the Law Firm ... Dewey, Screw'em and Howe ( thank you 3 stooges )
or what about the Gynecologist ... Dr. Poke'em
or what about the Porno Star John Holmes ... John wasn't his real name it was ..
Max Cox or his gay brother Seymour Cox ...
What do you call a fly with no wings????
A Walk.
Mr. Jones had gangrene on his left leg and had to have it cut off so he
went to the doctor to have the operation. During the operation the doctor
cut off the good leg by mistake. So then the doctor had to cut off the
leg that had gangrene. After Mr. Jones came out of the operation he
noticed that both legs had been cut off. Mr. Jones called his lawyer and
filed a lawsuit against the doctor. Well the doctor and his lawyer had a
long talk and the lawyer told the doctor he was in big trouble. I'm
not worried, said the doctor. Mr. Jones doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Everywhere this lady went nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked
her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this
would happen. So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on.
She thought that maybe there was a problem with her. The doctor told her
he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on
the table, so she did. He told her to open her mouth and he checked it.
Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said
to the lady, "Know what your problem is, you have zactly." The lady then
asked, "What is zactly?" The doctor said, "Lady your mouth smells zactly
like your ass!!!!!!!!!
One afternoon on Miami Beach
Three women were discussing their son's achievements. The first woman
says "nick, my son, the doctor! such a son a mother couldn't hope for. He's
got his own practice now in Boston, making so much money! He sends me a
check every month. I've never had it so good!" She turns and says, "So
tell me, Mrs. Rubenstein, how is your son?" "steve, my son, the dentist!
Such a son a mother couldn't hope for. He's got his own practice now in
Cambridge, making so much money! He sends me a check every month. I've
never had it so good!" The two of them turn to the third woman and ask
sadly, "So tell us Mrs. Hammerstein, how is your son, the homosexual?"
"adam, my son, the interior decorator! Such a son a mother couldn't hope
for. He has his own business now, making so much money! He sends me a
check every month. I've never had it so good! And my son! Not one lover,
but two! One of them is a doctor in Boston, the other is a
dentist in Cambridge!"
now for the horoscope:
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very
nice.
TRUE VERY TRUE!!!!
oh, i'm also VERY fickle....
------------------
btw, i got a super over priced heath leger joker doll at the mall for $80 :roll: and some posters for $12 and thats because they were on "sale."
also, anyone read about chris bale? christ...leave the man alone.
dammm he soooooo fine in this pic.
say, is it hot in here, so it just him??????? *slobber*
snowcones ne one?
!!!
2nd one 
Log in to comment