I guess, in a way, I got what I wanted: freedom from everything that has been bothering me, but now I'm suffering guilt towards the actions I chose to overcome them. I'm not saying I regret anything, but I do wish I had handled things more professionally.

I thought that simply not caring would numb my senses enough to at least get on with my life, but now I just can't enjoy life knowing that I hurt someone. I guess...well, I have one year to get my sh*t together and swallow some pride in the meantime and hope that if she does run into me, I can at least tell her my last words I've kept bottled up inside and finally be at peace.

You know, it's funny...all this time I've been angry at this woman, and now that she's left for deployment, I feel empty now. I guess all I can do is cling onto hope that one day she will be the one to forgive this time. Ironic, isn't it? All this time I've mentally prepared myself for the worst, and even though I tried to toughen myself up, I still can't handle my own emotions.

It doesn't matter if we will never be togther, I just don't want to live a life of eternal bitterness. How can I enjoy life if there's so many loose ends, so many questions unanswered...and at my hands, I've created my own downfall. I just want to get these words out to her somehow, and breathe a sigh of relief before I leave this place.

A lot of the women I work with question as to how I can just become separated from someone I've loved for years and just shut her out with unrivaled genocide. In fact, they now look down on me because of it. First, let me explain: she called me this morning to tell me that she's leaving for deployment today...telling me thank you for all I've done in the past, sorry for the things she did, and all I said was: "OK, bye."

As much as I wanted to pour my heart out and tell her the thousands of things that I've kept locked into my mind, I hesitated for a reason...there's no point in living in the past. There's no way I can possibly tell her things that her boyfriend can give her. I mean, as much as it hurt BAD to just toss all the memories into the trash, tear up the pictures, every letter shredded to the last molecule, erasing her number, it's all for a reason: No turning back. I mean, what the f*ck else can I say to a woman whom I have nothing to say to? Goodbye is the only thing I can.

Imagine you are with a woman who has shut you out for the past month because the people she's with despise the thought of an ex keeping in touch, and forbid any contact...what else do you do but move on, right? The last words she told me before we broke up was to be strong, because even she won't turn back...and I have found strength. I've fought through pain and regret, and there isn't a damn thing ANYONE can do to change my mind about this.

Now I don't hate this woman nor do I regret ever starting a relationship with her, but at the same time, now that it's over, I do not intend to crawl back to her or her to crawl back to me. I say it's over with an iron fist...I do not repeat history ever. If I had a wish, it would be for our circumstance to be different. It's not entirely her fault why I am so distant now. I gave her nothing but freedom and choice, and I expect her to stick with hers. I didn't dictate her life, I never once told her to change her life, everything that happened was her choice, and I just accepted it and moved on.

I tried being a good friend to her, but all I accomplished was burdening her life with a new man who has more insecureties than a house with an open door. I waited weeks for her to call me, and after all that silence, I just assumed that her life was perfect and there was no need for me to interfere and cause more problems. In the meantime, I adapted and chaged from being a weakling to someone who can withstand any harsh mental punishment anyone can possibly give me now.

In fact, I don't see a point in me even finding another woman. I already know it's going to end in tragedy. I've already been with the best woman I've ever seen, so why should I even bother wasting my time with a brief affair when someone that close to me can't even stand me? So people can call me whatever they want. I don't see my life as being a cold, lonely bastard. I see it as independece, and how many people can survive on their own? If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people only slow me down and restrict me. And all that time goes wasted because no one believes in loyalty anymore.

In the future, time will judge. If she wants to call, I'll listen. If she wants to write, I'll read. I won't dedicate my life to waiting for the moment, but if she gives the time to do this, I won't be an @sshole and ignore it...I'll respond. I just won't get any closer than that. To anyone. I don't need anyone in my life. I'm perfecly fine the way I am. I just want people to understand and accept it.

A couple days ago we finally got a new baker. Honestly, I accepted this application like a year-long prayer to God finally being answered. I mean, we now have someone to help us out with the hard work, right? I tell you, out of all the people on this island to apply, we get a sixteen year old kid who has no choice but to come in at 3 p.m. and looks like he can barely lift 20 pounds.

Which really defeats the purpose of having this kid, if you ask me. By 3 o'clock, the heavies are already done. But at least he can do the jobs I utterly despise, which isn't hard, I just prefer other things to do. And like all rookies, it's in the Rookie Manual that they must: 1. Suck, 2. Be As Slow As Possible, 3. Annoy Me With Stupid Questions, 4. Follow Me Like A Shadow When I Take A Smoke Break, 5. Bombard Me With Questions As To Why I Smoke, 6. Ask Me If I Drink Alchohol, 7. Help Me With Unbearable Tasks...Like Pulling Out A Napkin To Wipe My Hands, 8. Screw Up So I Get My Ass Chewed By The Managers, 9. Try To Show ME Up With My Skills? Please..., 10. Have NO Respect To The Dude Training Him.

Seriously, I hate this kid. Like I've said in the above, his extra help just slows me down to a point where I'd rather have him stand still while I take over. Although I do find it hilarious to an epic scale how this puny runt constantly tries to make me look small: attempting to roll bigger dough, try to lift up 100 pounds like me, damn, he even asks me CONSTANTLY why my fiancee' cheated on me. This boy is ANNOYING. It's like I'm stuck with the devil child from the tenth floor of Hell, and I've done something so disgraceful, that he was dropped on my lap to suffer this purgatory.

What I hate most, however is his attitude. He's got this attitude that must up his trainer in every skill that he has yet to earn, cracking his stupid ass jokes on my woman-less life (seriously, why is being single such a big freakin' deal?), and constanly asking me dumbass questions about everything I do, and why I don't follow the rules he has to...because, people, I've been here for YEARS, man...I basically KNOW everything about the bakery. Which begs the question, what is it about these damn kids and thinking they have to show up on day one acting like a real hard ass?

You know the one thing I love about sequels in games (and movies)? When the developers decide to completely ditch one killer app's slow pace in favor of a more action-packed one, sometimes even re-inventing the whole experience. This blog is about the Two's that changed my belief that something awesome cannot be possibly be created differently.

Half-Life 2: Seriously, do I need to explain? There's a reason why the PC geeks kissed their computers at night after this game came out, and it's because it has surpassed the first one in every possible way. Intense action, insane physics, being able to pick up any menial object in the game (my personal favorite), graphics that are still on par with the next gen age, and one of the best written storylines crafted flawlessly in gaming history.

Deus Ex II: Honestly, I feel nothing really has changed other than graphics, the same awesome "explore the enviroment to your heart's content" and "do things your way" gameplay was still intact in this game on par with the X-Files. But really, when you realized how the first Deus Ex looked worse than crap, a sequel that looked this good (at the time) deserves an honorable mention.

Condemned II Bloodshot: The first one blew me away because of the whole "hunt down the serial killer of serial killers" storyline, the brilliant use of forensics, and brutal melee confrontations, and a whole new enemy to fear: people. Other games make you fear zombies, ghosts, vampires, but to make you truly fear the kind of people that seem like they came from New York? Brilliant. Of course, the sequel tones down the fear factor in favor of even more brutal combat and intense moments on par with Half-Life 2, but the cutscenes that show Thomas' evaporating fear of this world just convinces you to swing that pipe at someone's face with pride.

Bloodrayne 2: Take a sexy vampire woman who loves to kill, give her even more ways to kill, and even maker her look sexier with sharper graphics...while I loved the first one, I loved the sequel more. It wasn't a decision just to kill enemies, it was more of a decision of how to do it and where to do it.

God Of War II: There's really only one word to describe the franchise: Epic. Take every known creature and person in Greek mythology, and have them sent to a glorious death at the hands of one man. Kratos is angrier, more brutal (if it's even possible), and seeks blood at a higher stake: the Gods themselves. You know someone is bad ass when they can: go back in time, change his fate, convince the Titans to help him out, come back from the dead, and kick Zeus' ass so hard he crawls back to Olympus...which Kratos follows anyways.

Dino Crisis 2: The first one was a "Resident Evil spliced with Jurassic Park," but a very fun spinoff. In 2, it's more of a run and gun type of game, where you actually try to kill as much dinosaurs as possible without getting hit for a huge combo multiplier. A far cry from the formula it once was, but when you're fighting an army of T-Rexes Hard Boiled style, you know this baffling decision was worthwile.

Parasite Eve II: Less of an RPG it once was and more of an action game, it had more shootouts, grotesque variety of monsters, bigger bosses, basically everything you loved about Parasite Eve, just more of it delivered with more "Holy Sh*t!" moments. And it was one of the first RPGs that ditched random battles in favor of actually seeing what you were going to fight, and when.

The Suffering Ties That Bind: Basically, "Resident Evil with an Oz twist," I loved the first one because it captured the dread of prison, and created more dread by unleashing Clive Barker's mind into it. If they somehow sent Pinhead from Hellraiser to prison, this is exactly what would happen in the game. The sequel completely strips you naked: instead of a prison going to Hell, an entire city is engulfed, and happy looking homes are now filled with demonic creatures. And instead of fighting in narrow corridors, you're fighting a war on a city block.

Manhunt 2: Although clearly not as good as the first one, it did have its fine moments. Danny Lamb is a complete psycho, has a dozen or more ways to massacre a small army from the shadows, and when/if you get sick of the whole stealth vibe, go ahead and run around, guns blazing.

ReLoaded: I doubt anyone remembers this game. It's an ancient PSone game, isometric extremely violent shooter, sequel to Loaded. But if I can find this game anywhere, my soul will be content. Basically, the characters are the same psychos you'd find in Twisted Metal, but instead of cars you have big ass guns to splatter hundreds of people onscreen. Seriously, the carnage in this game was beautiful: I can never forget how every man I shot left a graphic splatter mark on the pavement...hell, I still remember the code to unlock the iconic clown from Loaded: put your cursor on the robotic nun, and press: L1, circle, R1, down, down, R1, circle, L1, L1. First cheat code I've ever used, I'm not kidding.

Def Jam Fight For NY: This one surpasses the first Def Jam Vendetta by every single way. Instead of a story mode that pits you against other fighters elimination style, FFNY gives you an insane amount of options (well, for a fighting game about rappers). You create your character, fight for money to pimp out your character, and even customize your fighing styles. But what I liked most was it felt less like a wrestling game, and more about pit fighting, something that feels right if you want to make a wrestling game about hardened gangsters living in the slums.

Metal Gear Solid 2: While not as epic as MGS or MGS 3 Snakeater, at the time it was hyped up for a very good reason: Great graphics, realistic enemy patrols (when you alert an enemy, reinforcements come in...beautiful), the beginning of cinematic cutscenes for the future Metal Gear titles, it was everything a sequel should be. Although not the best in the series, it does deserve respect for literally re-defining the first MGS...gamplay wise.

Well, that's about it. If you want to mention a game you loved, feel free. I mean, I haven't really played video games until the Super Nintendo days, but never truly owned a console until the first Playstation came out. So I really have a lot to learn from the wiser gamers out there. Oh, and here's a list of games that deserve honorable mentions, but weren't included, mostly by the whole series being awesome, or it's first sequel wasn't the one to revolutionize.

GTA series

Resident Evil 4

Silent Hill series

Halo series

Call of Duty 4

Twisted Metal series

You know, perhaps the thing that has been burning into my mind for the past month was one phrase from my ex: the fact that when she broke up with me, she kept nagging me how I just let her go like that. I mean, seriousy? I don't know about anyone else, but when a woman breaks up with me, I'm not going to crawl on my knees and beg for a second chance when someon's already made up their mind. Maybe it's only me, but the most blasphemous thing a woman can tell a man she is about to marry is any mention about breaking up. Serioulsy, this has been eating me alive this whole time. Or how she kept reminscing about our past, calling me up all the time, all while her boyfriend being the whiny little b*tch that he is, throwing his little five year old tantrums about it, giving ME more problems while I'm trying to fix the ones that are way over my head as it is.

I mean, I was going crazy trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong, until I finally realized, I didn't. I was good to her. No, I was the BEST. I took care of her, I was bordeline broke every month for her, I respected her friends and family and all the losers she'd shovel into my life despite how it hurt my pride or how I'd die a little inside every time I did. I gave her the freedom her boyfriend doesn't seem to allow. I let her hang out with her guy friends. I let her go out during the long hours of the night, I never gave her any trouble for it. And despite all of this and then some, wants to leave me alone and broken while she runs off with some other fool who can't appreciate a good woman, then dump all her problems onto me? I'm sorry, but that incident has left me hardened, to a point where I don't feel pain or sympathy anymore.

If anything, I've learned a lot. I've learned that yes, even people that close will cheat on me. For reasons, I do not know, because I know for a fact that I was nothing but good to her. I've also learned to toughen up mentally. Albeit a hard decision, I've erased her number off my phone for good, threw all our memories into the trash, cut off all communications, and finally, prepared to move on once and for all without looking back. I've asked myself the same question she used to ask me before: If she came back to me, would I give it a second chance? I know the answer now, without hesitation: No.

I tried so hard all this time to get over it. I tried to artificially make myself happy, convince other people that I was happy, but no matter what, in the end I was still an emotional wreck. Now I can confidentally say that my demons are laid to rest. I have no regrets, I have a clear concience, and no matter how badly I feel that I got F*CKED over, it's all behind me. I mean, even if I never got over it and I was still pining over her, one question remains: what CAN I do about it? I'm not so desperate as to wait my whole life for an ungrateful woman to become available to me again. And even so, what proof can she give that the reason she dumped me won't circulate to another failed relationship? There's a reason why I haven't gone back to any of my exes. We re-live the glory days, yes, but also the bad ones.

I feel...relieved now. For once in a very long time I can actually say that I am comfortable. I didn't need a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to...I don't need anyone. I can solve my own problems, and those that interfere only cause bigger ones, a fact that I've proven for years. Because the last thing I've learned? If I can't fix my own problems, what good are other people to me? The same equivalent to a drug addiction that feeds off dependency to survive its existence. I've learned independence. I mean, my whole life I've been held back because other people believe that I can't handle the harder side of life...but how will I know if I've never even touched it? To me, if they're too worried about other people's problems, that means they can't even solve their own. Yes, I will get hurt again in the future, when I get another girlfriend and we break up. But you know what? Greater wisdom comes from losses, not wins.

Just got back from Eddie's funeral...you know, the head prep cook I mentioned a few weeks earlier? Man, that's some depressing stuff. I listened to the eulogy, met with some old friends, people I used to work with a while back, caught up with his son, who is the spitting image of this great man. But I guess the hardest part was the viewing: not necessarily the fact that I'm staring at a dead body, but just the mere thought that I'm staring at an empty shell that was once a proud worker, a good friend, a loving father and husband, but most importantly, a man loved by hundreds of people who agree that his time was cut too short. Let me tell you, I had nothing but the most respect and admiration for this man. Even in his 60's, he worked harder and moved faster than a lot of the fools that apply here. I don't mean to rant like this at all, but you have to understand: this was the last day that I saw him in person. And I do know one thing that I can never accomplish no matter how many years I'll put into this company that he did: he wasn't just an asset to the company, he was a Legend.

Yep, after all my earnings, I blow it on the one thing I always wanted: a PS3. Anyway, Vegas was freakin' awesome! Four days of being drunk off my ass, winning and losing money, and buying new threads and a new pair of Jordans...yeah, vacation is sweet indeed. Ironically, I'd say my heavy drinking brought me the most fun...all that time I was hitting on the waitress while she brought me a never ending flow of alchohol. I swear to God, I must've tipped this woman at least $200 by the time I left for home. But it was money well spent: she took care of me, brought me beer before I even asked for it, and even when I refused she still got me beer. Or how she got me free shots of Crown Royal. And the way she called me "baby?" Man, that's hot. I know she was only doing her job, but if I lived there, I guarantee you she'd be mine. It was a real tragedy that I left, however...I had to tell this wonderful woman that it was my final night of reckless drinking and burning money, and the last time I'd see her beautiful face again for possibly another year. So we shook hands, she told me how badly she'll miss me, and how a year was too long for her to wait for me. Suffice to say, I enjoyed that last beer like it was my final hours of life. I tell you...the most perfect women are the ones you meet only once in your life and end up being two worlds apart.

Yeah, Sunday morning, I'm leaving for vacation...one whole week to myself to get loose and do things I otherwise wouldn't do at home...and what better place to do every sin than, well, Sin City? Okay, the sex and drugs part I'm not going to do, but everything else is all fair game. I will be bringing my laptop with me, (I bring the damn thing everywhere I go) so I'll try to keep in touch and hit you guys back up. But I'm warning you: I will be most definately be wasted by hour one in L.V., and if I see anything unique on my oddyssey, I'll upload some pics(if I can figure out how to work the thing on this site). Anyways, be cool guys, and I'll tell you guys about it later. Hopefully I'll strike it rich, wish me luck.

For those of you who go on the forums regularly, you all know what I'm talking about. You always end up with a dozen forum topics about how a game sucks, or another game equivalent in its genre is superior. I'm creating this blog for you, the unbiased gamers, to discuss it. First, I'll list the games that a lot of indivduals like to emphasize their distaste for:

Halo 3: I enjoyed the first Halo, as it was the first great shooter on the original Xbox. It had a good campaign, intense feel of a sci-fi war, and mulitiplayer was as fun as Goldeneye 64 was back in the days. Halo 2 was the same, although the Arbiter missions bored me to the maximum, and what I feel was its saving grace was playing it online. Halo 3, in my opinion, is a good conclusion to an interesting story, online play remains mostly unchanged from II, give or take a few gadgets that are fun to use at times. Overall, I just feel that Halo 3 sold well because of brand, and although I don't feel it "sucked," it just doesn't go anwhere it once used to be.

Call of Duty 4: A lot of people favor this game, and feel it is the alpha shooter, and some just don't feel it. I enjoyed this game simply because it blew me away: just when I got sick of playing WWII shooters every year like I was stuck back in time, I finally got to play perhaps one of the finest shooters in a different era: modern day. My only gripe is just a personal one: there is a real war going on in this time period, and it just nags at my concience knowing that what I'm playing as a fantasy is what people in Iraq are living and dying in. I just felt that this game came out a little too soon, in my opinion, you know? Like putting the World Trade Center in an open world game where you can blow up buildings.

Gears of War: A lot of people like to rip on this game. I actually enjoyed this game, not because it was hyped up, but because it was fun. You get the intensity of Black Hawk Down in a fictional enviroment filled with all the things adults love in movies, minus the boobs. The only thing I can hate on is the zero understanding in the story and its length. Online play, it was fun before the community died, and the only things that went bad weren't from the game, but from the people playing the game: a bunch of trash talking 13 year old cheaters who take the game way more seriously than life's problems in the real world. Sometimes a good game can get ruined by the consumers alone.

GTA IV: I was actually surprised that quite a lot of people hated this game. I mean, I can understand they got bored, disliked the new approach, or just simply wasn't a fan of the franchise. No, some people actually hated it. I loved the GTA series since the playstation era, and its fourth installment doesn't take any of the fun factor out of the previous ones, it just does it differently. I know you can no longer enter every building at will, or the customization is extremely limited, but one has to look outside the box: instead of free roaming the outside world for everything to find, you use the phone for your needs which works wonders in a game that strived for that realistic approach. My only complaint is that vehicles are a real pain to drive, and the slower approach can be killer when you're on the run or on a chase. Basically, every minor gripe I ever had with any GTA is finally resolved, I just have to say that now, they've created a couple new ones.

Well, I've discussed the major titles, and the ones I did leave out, I either never played or haven't finished it. Feel free to lay down your opinions and disagree, or contribute another concern. Really, I made this so you guys can have an input on how you see the hottest titles of today.

Be honest with me, people. Good idea? I mean Gears is all about a full-scale war going on, and what better genre to capture that intensity than a real time strategy? I've been discussing it with some friends, and I'm still running into some kinks, such as the Locust have their heavies, like the Brumak, that creepy spider thing, and those flying squid demons. And the COG have...well, each other's love in their embrace. Also, the whole game is in a war-torn city which is ripe for makeshift bases and the like. IDK, just an idea that popped into my head while watching them play Chess. Heh...you all know me by now: I'm famous for my stupid ideas, but also an occasional spark of brilliance.