As a video game as well as a movie fan, I've come across many that were either so great that I have to keep in my collection, and some so bad I gave them away as birthday gifts to people I don't like. And such, I'll list some of the most god-awful movies I have to question myself, sitting through the misery, why I do this to myself.
The Dorm: This I picked up, because it's the same brand of asian horror flicks I usually buy, and the story did sound a little chilling. It's a boy's first day in dorm school, and late one night all the boys get together and tell the story of a boy many years ago that drowned in the pool behind the school, and ever since then his unrest brought fear and despair onto all that inhabit this school. To be fair, the first half hour did creep me out, such as when the boy realizes he's sleeping in the dead boy's bed and starts getting roughed up, or when the dogs go beserk(yeah, there's dogs on campus, for some reason...it's asia, man.) at night or the voices that echo through the halls. Then you realize that the ghost is actually a Japanese Casper, who creepily shows up right when the boy is showering and become friends, even going so far as to give his new friend his treasures, a hidden porno stash in a secret compartment above the bathroom. The movie was pretty much a forbidden friendship of man and spectre, as the boy watches his friend having to repeat his death every day on the eve of his death, and the boy tries to help the ghost settle his soul and go to the heavens.
Zombiez: It's basically a zombies in the hood, with the story line being a voodoo priest, who is a gangsta, forms an army of the undead to abduct people, kill them and use their innards for his meat pies that he will serve to people...which makes no damn sense, seeing that this dude kills everyone in the city towards the end. But his evil plans are stalled when a group of construction workers show up, and start fighting off the hordes of these zero special effects zombies that are basically dirty people in ragged clothes carrying plastic scythes that you find at Walmart on halloween. But the iconic part of the movie is actually watching someone die: These "zombies" bound and gag people, tear a hole in the midsection of their shirts, and sausages come tumbling out. I kid you not.
Bloodwork: One of the more recent Clint Eastwood movies I've seen, and the very movie that made me lose respect for this man. To be honest, he was the main reason for me watching the movie, and the plot is pretty cool where he portrays a cop past his prime who has a heart attack while on pursuit of a killer that just shot a woman in the head. He later gets a heart transplant from said woman, and continues his long, gritty chase for the killer. What I liked was he hired a partner for his pursuit, and every culprit he'd single out for the crimes would turn up dead the next day, a sign the killer knew him in a way more personal manner. Now what kills the movie is this myterious woman shows up, and demanding him not to give up, for it's her sister's heart that gives him life, and goes so far as to sleep with him, and in a truly baffling manner, turns out to give this woman the best sex in her life and even more baffling, survives to tell the tale. I won't spoil how the movie ends, but I will label this as the most boring movie I've seen that year.
Crazy Eights: I actually just picked this up a couple days ago, and it looked interesting enough for a purchase. It's pretty much about six friends who show up at a funeral of a recently deceased friend, and in his last request, these six people locate his time capsule he stashed when they were kids and discover the truth of their past. And one by one, a mysterious dead girl I'll assume about nine years old comes along and systematically kills off these people. I really didn't get the storyline on this one. These people are walking around an asylum they remember being in as children and know every inch of the place, while for reasons unknown, as scared as these people are insist on travelling their own journeys and meet grisly fate at the hand of this dead girl whose violence, even at the end of the movie, remains unclear. I'll go ahead and knock off two points for this movie: One, I couldn't for dear life ever figure out what the hell was going on in the movie, and Two, Traci Lords has officially lost that fondness I used to have for her...in other words, like all great actresses that I used to think were attractive, they've really let themselves go.
Mulberry Street: This movie isn't bad as I've described with the previous ones, just ridiculous. It's about rats that carry an infection, and once someone is bit, transforms into a zombie like creature. The problem is, the tense nature of a zombie outbreak in New York City really dies out when you realize that infected humans turn into blood covered flesh devouring rat people. Other than that, the actors are a likeable cast, the widespred panic you see on the news in the movie is believable, it's just that once you realize that the city is being decimated by something as unoriginal as "rat people" you really don't care about the rest of the film anymore.
Pathfinder: I'll give this a 50/50,because to be fair, I didn't actually watch the whole movie. I'm pretty sure you all know what this movie is about, or at least heard about it, it's not that old. It's just that it's so...boring. Seriously, I'd like to meet the man who just took something as awesome as vikings, and turned it into one of the most sleep inducing visual tranquilizer.
Bloodrayne & House of the Dead: I'll go ahead and combine these two movies, because I'm not giving this no talent director the honor of mentioning him twice. I'll say these movies are more offensive than terrible, considering that his abysmal work hurt fans of the video games rather than the non gamers that wasted money on those embarassments. As proof that my Bloodrayne fanboyism has nothing to do with my prejudice to the movie, my mother who is a non-gamer watched the movie and said it sucked. As for House of the Dead, it's just laughable. I'll leave it at that. As for the other movies that Uwe Boll has created as well as future titles he will surely massacre, I just already know they're terrible, and never bothered watching them.
The Underground Comedy Movie: This marks the first and last time I ever order a movie via telephone from a Comedy Central advertisement. I'm down for low budget movies, as Night of the Living Dead was a low budget film, yet one of the most iconic horror movies ever made. But when it's a comedy movie, you know you've made the worst investments in history. Apparently, somone thought that movie was good enough to advertise it on the same block as the Girls Gone Wild previews, and I dearly hope that said person not only burns in hell, but is on his way right now. I can't remember watching a single minute of this movie and ever laughing once. It's more of a pervert's movie, with such classic characters as a man who robs a sperm bank, a guy wearing a dong on his head, a naked dude running around for no reason, a necrophillia porno clip, old haggard women in a beauty pageant in the slums, this truly isn't for the sane...or those with good taste in movies.
Jon Heder(Napoleon Dynamite): I don't necessarily think his movies are bad, I just plainly don't like him. When your acting career is based on being the person that makes losers feel better about themselves, you've either hit rock bottom or you're just not cut out for movies that people give a damn about. Personally, I liked School For Scoundrels, solely because I think Billy Bob Thornton is the coolest old man in the world, and at the end of the movie Heder's character "got laid for the first time," I couldn't stop laughing. You know you suck when the only way you can get laid is by fiction in a movie, and I do believe that this man is a virgin...I mean, I can count the amount of women I've slept with...well, one. But I can still say confidently that I've still slept with more women than this guy has.
Zombie Nation: I seriously hate this movie with the outmost genocide that courses through my veins. This movie is about a crooked cop that abducts women, rapes them, kills them, stuffs them in duffel bags and buries them somewhere in the middle of nowhere, until he proceeds said actions to a young girl, who prior to being abducted, just got blessed by a bunch of voodoo priestesses that put a spiritual protection on her. After she dies, she as well as the other women that were killed by this man rise from the dead and seek vengeance upon the cruelty that was brought upon them...in fact, at one point these women get together and have a rather long speech about teaming up to become...crime fighting zombie women. I was pretty much laughing my way to the credits, but I guess the funniest thing I can really say is that I'm not making this whole paragraph up.
Rise of the Dead: I hate this movie solely because I remember at one point I was pretty hyped about this movie, and turned out to be as disappointing as the time I found out my favorite rock band was a bunch of coke addicts. This movie will have you believe that there are actual zombies terrorizing the city, but it's a little more softcore than that. It's basically about a woman being stalked by the spirit of her child she abandoned as a teenager(which shows at one scene of the child's adoptive parents fighting while the kid plays with the dad's pistol he left right on the coffee table). The whole premise is the baby's spirit jumps from one person to another, making the movie less zombie and more possession. The best part is, however, how the movie portrays someone who is possessed by the angry child: much like how a baby likes to drool and always has a runny nose, you'll see grown men with saliva pouring out of their mouths and liquid boogers tumbling out of their nostrils. In my opinion, it's not scary, they just look like special education students that strayed away from their caretakers. What makes the movie ever more disappointing is how the word "zombie" is emphasized all over the DVD case, and I can just imagine the cashier laughing at my back turned, finally relieved that they got that stupid ass movie out of their inventory.
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